Not sure where to go from here

[New Dad]

Hi my partner gave birth 11 weeks ago and we have a beautiful daughter. She sleeps 6-7 hours a night and everything seems great. However, my partner I suspect is suffering from PNI. She has not enjoyed anything sinse the birth. She is constantly tired and feels like a bad mum. Furthermore as much as I know she loves her she has told me that she never felt a complete connection. I have tried to talk to her and asked her to see the health visitor for advice but she doesnt want to and instead tells them that all is well. Therefore, everyone else thinks she is happy, when I know she is not. How can I help her, I am starting to feel so useless.

Thanks

[cheshire]

Hi New Dad,

I think many women find it hard, if they have PNI, to talk openly about how they feel - particularly at the beginning. I know it took me a while to open up to my HV and finally my GP. And it was my GP who helped me in the end - perhaps she might consider visiting the GP? Or you could direct her to this site?

Any practical help you can offer her with the baby I'm sure will be greatly appreciated (although I never did show my appreciation to my partner when I was bad with PNI) and just knowing that you support and love her despite how she's feeling etc. I'm sure will also help.

Let us know how you get on?

Hopeful

[New Dad]

Hi,
Thanks for the reply. She doesnt want to talk to her GP either. I will try this forum and see what she says.

I do the majority of the night feeds, cleaning and cooking at home. However, I have to work through the day (to put food on teh table if nothing else) and this is when I think she finds it hardest.

N.D.

[marion]

Hi New Dad

I know I still find the days hard - being alone with a baby is so daunting, especailly when they are still so young. Is there anyone who could call round every so often in the day just to let her know she's not in it alone. I didnt have much support and I think that was a huge part in me becoming unwell. It certainly sounds like you are doing all you can for her when you are home and I know she will really appreciate this even if she doesnt show it.

If she does have pni which I dont know - only she knows how she's really feeling, it may take a while to admit how bad she is feeling. It's taken me months to fully admit (Chloe my daughter is now 9mths) how bad I sometimes really feel - I have only just admitted that I dont like looking after her all the time - it's not that I dont love her I just want to be me occassionally.

I think you're doing all the right things - being as supportive as you can and giving her the space she needs and helping her with the baby as much as possible. As hopeful says, try and get her to look at this site, just to let her know that the things she is feeling are perfectly normal - it's very very scary being a first time mum!!

Love
Marion.

[New Dad]

Thank you both for the advice. I will let you know how I get on.

N.D.

[karl]

hi new dad
sorry don't get on her as much as i used to. from a mans view point i would suggest that you need to look after your self first and formost because if you become ill then the struggel is going to get harder for you both i know this will probly upset a lot of people on here but maybe you should talk to the health visitor or GP at least then they can look out for the problems and be aware

[Veritee]

Hi New Dad and Karl

I just wanted to say that I agree totally with Karl that you have to look after yourself first !

- as without doing this you will be no help to your partner or wife anyway - we all have to look after ourselves first to be able to have the reserves to offer anything to anyone else.

PNI is not just something a woman suffers in isolation, she may be the one who is ill, but this affects all that, live with her, care about her and/or depend on her - so because of this I consider PNI to be a shared illness, shared also by all that are close to the person suffering it

If you can at all perhaps you could try Karls suggestion of going on your own to see your health visitor or GP?

This might be a way forward - you are a parent of your child also and as such you are as entitled to consult your HV on anything that might affect your child as your partner is, especially if you are doing a lot of the actual care in the evenings.

As to the difficulty of you being out all day to work and needing 'to put food on the table' I understand very well this conflict as will my husband Barry.

Because my husbands job is a merchant seaman which meant that at the height of my illness he was away from home for many months and thousands of miles away from us.......................

I put huge pressure on him to leave his job which I know now must have been unbearable for him at the time but on the other hand I truly felt I just could not cope with out him and by going to work and leaving us when I was so ill I felt at the time he was putting our welfare and even our lives at risk........... so at the time I felt I would rather starve than risk this ..................

So I - and my husband Barry - understand very well the pressures and the push and pulls partners feel when we suffer PNI

So all I can say is the same as Karl is look after yourself and do what you think is best and what you feel you can do.....You can only do your best and yes you need to protect yourself too.

Veritee

[New Dad]

Hi,
Just wanted to say that since I started this post i have managed to get my wife to see someone and is getting through it admirably. My wife is who she was prior to the pregnancy and we have connected again as a couple and also as parents. So my advice to all dads on here is if you suspet anything PNI related then seriously get some medial advice. My wife tells me that if we decide to have another and it should reoccur then at the first signs drag her to see the doctor, kicking and screaming if neccessary LOL. Thanks again for th advice and everyone have faith in your partners, you can and will get through it, you just need to support her and be there for her (but remember in doing so you will always be wrong and will be a complete ba***rd in her eyes for a while!)

Thanks
(Not So) New Dad

[sianyc]

Hi

I didn't have PNI with my first daughter. However, I had an awful birth, couldn't breastfeed her, she had colic and reflux. It took me months to bond with her because of all these things. Plus, the shock of being a first time new mum was well .... SHOCKING!

By about 4 months after the birth, I had started to recover from the newness of it all and got on top of things.

With my second, the feelings were completely different. I loved my baby from the outset, breastfed a non-colicky baby who slept like a dream. Still I felt terrible and descended into PNI.

Only your wife knows how she feels. It could be PNi and it could be guilt over not bonding with the baby like she thinks she should.

Try to get her to talk about how she feels with you and definately show her this website. We're all here to help each other