our situation

[rocker]

Hi

After reading through this board part of me thinks our situation isn't that bad when you compare it to that of other posters on here, but I am looking for any advice you can give me anyway.

Our wee man is 15 months old and he was a few weeks early, he wouldn't breast feed(because he was slightly early he just wasn't ready) and I think my wife still feels guilty about that even though he is a big bouncing strapping wee man!! Anyways...... prior to his birth she also had pre-eclampsia and was laid up in hospital for 2 weeks on and off before J was born. At around that time our dog that she loved very much died as well, so it was literally one week our dog who we'd had for 11 or 12 years died the next week we had our first child. Part of pre-eclampsia is very high blood pressure which is supposed to go when the baby is born, my wifes didn't and for a few weeks after, she had "episodes" which she described as how she imagine taking drugs would be. Eventually they got her blood pressure under control and she came off the tablets.

So for a while everything was great, I did all the night feeds, helped change bath dress J etc., and then after a few months we started arguing more. I actually think it was when I got a new job offer and accepted it. My wife fears change and this seemed like a major problem, even though I was working the same hours for more money and extra benefits - the idea being when she had to return to work going part time instead of full wouldn't really affect our income too much. I would say the first major "incident" of her PNI would have been a few weeks after I started my new job, we were due to go out with friends to see a band she loved, but when I came home from work all hell broke loose because she couldn't get a new steam cooker to work properly. It took me all of a minute to fix it but by that stage world war 3 had broken out and she declared she wasn't going out and took herself off to bed. I see now that this may have been what this site describes as "foggy vision" stopping her working out a simple problem. This was also roughly 6 weeks before she was due back to work and she was very anxious about leaving J. He used to go out with his grandparents on a Friday afternoon, and I'd find when I came home from work she'd be in real fighting form with not having had the baby with her for a few hours, I'd literally walk through the door on a Friday and have the head chewed off me.

So after a few weeks of similar incidents she went to the doctors and he diagnosed PND or PNI as I'll refer to it. She was given tablets but I noticed things were getting worse between us, rows, arguments, starting fights over nothing. I mean when I came home from work my routine basically went, eat, play with J, bath J, feed J, put J to bed. I had it in my head that part of the purpose of me coming home from work was to give her a break from what she'd been doing all day and that was fine, its a pleasure looking after our wee man, but after he'd gone to bed I would do the dishes etc. then I'd find she'd start piling jobs on to me, it was as if she thought, and she has said this herself, you get a rest when you're sleeping time awake has to be spent doing chores...............

So whilst this carried on, and I believed she was taking her tablets, things continued to get worse and I tried to just carry on. One day however "the mask" slipped in front of her parents. We were all out for the day together and she basically lost it with me over something really simple. It didn't twig on me because I'd got used to her speaking to me like that, but her parents saw it for the first time. They asked me afterwards was she like this all the time, and when I said yes they got involved. Now at this point I should stress I'm no angel, I am laid back I ignore things for a while but it got to the stage where I shouted back in all the rows. So her dad spoke to her and we found out she'd taken them for a couple of weeks and felt better so she'd stopped taking them. So at this point 3 months in she promised him she'd take them again - that was 7 months ago roughly and I now know for a fact that she hasn't taken them for at least 4 months now.

Her parents know shes sometimes bluffing them when she comes down but the mask slips a lot more often. Shes actually been going through the motions of ordering repeat prescriptions from the doctor to make them think she is taking them.

She started back to work about 3 months ago. Work provided her with an Occupational Health Officer to talk to about it, she went a few times but never discussed with us what was said. Her work has been great, given her a jobshare which means she works 2 days one week and 3 the next, her mum is looking after J when she works so we've no worries there, and after the initial fear of going back to work she seems to be coping okay, but to my mind and her parents her PNI is getting worse. She has now finally given in and agreed to take the tablets again. As some other posters have said, she doesn't see anything wrong with the way shes been or what she says, one minute its "if you don't wise up one of us will have to move out" the
next its " the new house will be great for when number 2 comes along". She obseeses about a lot of things, things that to the rest of us don't really matter, and I know thats a symptom.

People have asked me how I put up with it, I just tell them shes ill and we'll get through it. I just need her to help herself, shes great with J, I just need her to be better and be great with herself first and the rest of us second.

Thanks for listening..............

[kl77]

Hi Rocker

Haven't got much time at the minute but just wanted to welcome you to the site x

KL x

[cheshire]

Hi Rocker,

Welcome to the site to you bothx

rocker said:

People have asked me how I put up with it, I just tell them shes ill and we'll get through it. I just need her to help herself, shes great with J, I just need her to be better and be great with herself first and the rest of us second.

Thanks for listening..............

I should imagine my husband's reply would be as long as yours, were he to read this, as it certainly rang bells for me...

But what you say above is really important, and something my husband said alot - only, I would add that us ladies need a bit of help to help ourselves, or time perhaps, as self esteem takes such a nose dive with this illness - it's unbelieveable really ..

Anyway, it's wonderful that you have looked into this for your partner and are supporting her. Plse. let her know that we're here if she wants to talk at all.

Thanks
Hopeful

[Veritee]

Dear Rocker

I hope that this forum will be supportive to you and thank you for telling us your story.
it can be as difficult for partners and family as the women who has PNI - this is why on here we view PNI as a shared illness
The women who has given birth may be the person directly suffering the symptoms- but as support and the attitudes and understanding of those around you can be key to recovery.........
this illness is shared by everyone in your life to some degree.

Have you shared with your wife that you have joined this forum- you do not have to at all!
as we appreciate yo may need support solely for yourself .

But I just wondered as it can be really helpful to join together and if the women with PNI does not yet feel she can talk herself on here , sometimes partners have printed off information and others experiences she could related to for her to read .

I can relate to much of what you said about your wifes story and how you have responded to the situation - my husband had some similarities in his response

I also had pre-eclampsia and was laid up in hospital for 2 weeks, only I did not go home during this time and then i had a Cesarean, full - eclamsia and was in hospital for another 2 weeks after the birth and was not physically fully well for many months
So i can relate very well to your wifes birth experience.

I also relate to what you say about saying one thing one minute such as my relationship was over and the next making plans for the future..

I can only tell you why this was for me..............


bear in mind my situation and reasons are probably nothing like yours and your wifes - I can only tell you how it was for me......

I reacted like this because basically I really loved my husband - still do and we are still together 17 years later - but I was very angry with him.

I was angry because while I knew the reality of our financial situation which meant that my husband had to work long hours - and that I had to go back to work once my maternity leave was over.

And as your wife seemed to have found - work was not too bad. As when I was at work my child was safely looked after by professional carers and I found work gave me affirmation that i was a worthwhile person. So work itself was OK.........but I was very ill and I really should never have been working at all

So the only way I could get through was to put on a mask for my husband particularly - that unfortunately would slip now and then however hard I tried.

Because I was very ill and yet having to cope and was indeed coping - but I was very ill and I felt I was not getting enough help on a daily basis that i really did need and my and my anger focused on my husband for this.


This above was my reasons for wearing the mask for my husband and why it slipped and why I was so angry with him.

But while I was reading your story I wondered how much her parents are doing practically to help the both of you?

If they wish to be involved perhaps their practical help and support might be the way forward for them?

As while i am sure your wife will not welcome their input into your relationship at this time of feel it is their business whether she tales prescribed medicines or not - as this is between her and her GP - they could still help with practical help and support to help reduce their daughters stress.

Do they live nearby? As in laws living nearby can really do a lot to relive the stress. I did not have any parents that could help as we were older parents and both our parents were too old or infirm to help with a young baby - my mother was blind for example..

But I would have really welcomed their practical help -have the baby for a few hours regularly , perhaps overnight what least once a week so that you can spend time together ..

I know you said :

. He used to go out with his grandparents on a Friday afternoon, and I'd find when I came home from work she'd be in real fighting form with not having had the baby with her for a few hours, I'd literally walk through the door on a Friday and have the head chewed off me.

I wondered what they do now to help? Do they still your son

Perhaps a break for the baby would make her more in touch with what she needs from you and sometimes you put this aggressively because you know you are not going to get what you need ..

Even if what she wanted is possible due to your work commitments and that when yo9u come home you are tired - sometimes these these things need to be said anyway before you can move on......
Perhaps a couple of days together with your child at grandparents and you can talk this through properly - you might find you argue - but it could also help to get every thing out in the open - just a suggestion as this worked for us to a degree.

As to taking the medication :

this has to be personal choice , and the choice of the sufferer and not anyone else.

I got through without talking medication at all and one of the reasons I chose this was rightly or wrongly I was worried that medication may affect my performance at work - I worked as a youth worker doing group work with very distressed young people and I have to be very aware of nuances of those young peoples emotions and feelings - previous experiences of anti -depressants had made me feel 'dulled' emotionally so i while I had other reasons not to take anti-D's I was concerned that i could not do my job properly if I did take them.

I was probably wrong as modern Anti- Ds are different from what I took many years before and since then I have learned that women do very responsible and emotionally intelligent jobs and still take medication - i was just pointing out that their are many reasons for not wanting to take meds and this has to be up to the person concerned

What job does your wife do?

So what I am saying is that the decision to take medication HAS to be down to the person concerned - and your wife could have many reasons for not taking them

Whatever they are is down to her- but if you - and her parents - are not recognizing that this is her decision, this may be a reason for deception as she may have felt she had no choice but to say she was taking them where she was not.

Your wife sounds like she is a competent person so she must have had reasons why she felt she had to deceive you about the meds? Maybe she felt she could not cope with the conflict with you - and her parents - if she told you she was not talking them?

Medication is not the only way through - have either of you thought of counseling?

If you are both coping generally and the main way PNI is affecting you is in your relationship - have you both thought of Relate counseling?
This could be a way forward

Veritee XX

[rocker]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Veritee, thanks for the support and questions you are asking I'll address some of the issues raised:

No I haven't told her yet that I've posted on here but I do see me doing it at some point - she has said to me nobody understands how she feels and if I could get her to see there are people here, she may feel like shes not alone.

My wifes parents are great, they will take J any time we need them to, my mother in law minds him while my wife is at work, and when I manage to convince her to go away overnight somewhere, its never a problem for them to take J. Literally anytime they're needed they are available, I can't fault them on that score. On the other hand, actually getting my wife to let go of J is a chore sometimes, for instance if I want to take her away overnight for a break. One example is if we were catching a plane and had to be at the airport for 9am, instead of letting J stay at the inlaws overnight, my wife would want him with us and us to drop him off about 7 in the morning, just so she sees him that day. Thankfully she is coming out of this.

i suppose what I am trying to say is they are a big help, but only when my wife lets them, sometimes I have to step in and say, look let granny look after J while you're doing whatever, or if my wife gets really tired, I'll get her to take him down there so she can get a rest. They love having him and they really do want to help relieve any stress she has. I try my best, i basically take over when I come in from work, I usually get up in the night if he's not sleeping, at weekends we split lie-ins so she has saturday mornings I have sundays, and during the day at weekends I try and be as involved as possible so she isn't doing the same thing on weekends as she does on week days when she isn't working. I do the childcare runs on the days she is working, I do dishes, I hoover, I'm no angel but I'm trying. The one thing that gets to me thats happening on Saturdays lately is if I ask her to watch J for a while while I do something like even have a sandwich and 5 minutes to myself, I'll get the response "do what I do when I'm here on my own" that worries me because it almost seems as if she thinks Saturday is her day off completely. I have no objection to her taking time out, but if she wants it she should go out and do something with friends, or go shopping, my theory is if you're in the house watching TV, you're available for 5 minutes to mind J. I could see the tirade I'd get if I tried that line lol!!! do what you do when I'm not here lol!!

Yeah I realise the meds have to be a personal choice, its just there did seem to be such a change when she started taking them (I'm assuming this wasn't a mask). She has an office based job in a hospital so theres no concerns with taking meds and the job, but I realise its personal choice. To be honest there wasn't any conflict with me or her parents if she didn't take her meds, she would shout if we asked about them so I just told her, I'm leaving it in your hands I won't check up on you.

Counselling would be an option, but since she wouldn't talk to me about how it went with her Occupational Health person at work, I don't know if it would be something she'd be into.

I've read a lot of posts in the forums here and I see so many similarities to our situation, I hope I can convince her at some point to become involved.

Over the past while we haven't had it easy, my mum had a stroke almost 2 years ago and the doctors thought she would die, 5 days after my mum had the stroke we found out my wife was pregnant, so I'm elated with joy on one hand, and stuck in a hospital thinking my mums gonna die on the other. I had to spend some part of almost every day during the first 6 months of the pregnancy seeing my mum in hospital. My mum survived but is very badly mentally and physically disabled, she is paralysed on one side and can't speak, has 9 care visits a day. This kills my wife inside because while my mum does recognise our son and can wave at him and hold him with her good arm, its nowhere near the involvement she would have had. I think because we had this "cloud" hanging over us during the pregnancy, where my wife maybe felt guilty at being so happy at the start while my mum was so sick, and the fact she feels so sad and angry at how my mum is now is maybe also a contributing factor?

Before that her own mum was very ill for a while and my wife had to take 5 years off work to look after her (my wife would have been early 20s) - a situation I see as being the same as caring for a baby, she was literally there all day every day during the week making sure she was okay etc. She did get depressed about it during that time, and to be honest I see a lot of similarities to her behaviour then and now. To be honest I was expecting her to have PNI partly because of the previous depression.

Anyway thanks for letting me get things out.............I appreciate the responses

[sare]

Hi Rocker,

I would just like to say that I sympathise with your situation, I know it was not easy for my OH when I was in the height of my PNI. I still have my bad days and they are still hard on him but I do feel that I am getting better.

I think that some of the things you are saying are all just part of being a new mum, ie when you say that if you need to catch a plane at 9am but your wife would still want to see your son that day - I can totally relate to that.

I think it's great that you have found this forum, where you can get advice and support but no one can help your wife until she admits that she needs it. This was how it was for me and now I am having counselling and getting great results, but I had to ask for that.

Also, I wanted to suggest an alternative to the prescription drugs that your wife doesn't want to take. My Dr prescribed Citalopram for me and I refused to take them as I was too scared of the side effects. I now take a homeopathic remedy only as and when I feel I need it, not every day, and I find that really helps.

Anyway, I hope this start to improve for you both soon
Sare
xx