hi a dad with a problem

[paulmartin]

first off hi to everyone on the site,my story is about my wife and our 14 month old son and our 12 year old daughter.
My wife over the last year has increasingly became more depressed and has attended the doctor who gave her antidepressants for PNI,the problem we have is that she is at home all day bar going to the shops and the mother and toddler group once a week our family is big but not as close as we would like ans the friends we have are all working parents,so she really has no one to talk to or help during the day, i am at work from 7am to 5.30pm and am in a pressure job managing crews of guys and dealing with clients.
I am at my wits end and having been just recently promoted am struggling to keep my mind on the job as i am worried about my wife her mood swings from seeming normal and happy to being really dark and thinking she is of no use to anyone and we would be better of without her,she also says things to me that i wont repeat then later she is sorry and tearfull her eating habits have changed and she has lost some weight which she didnt have to

[collette]

hi there paul

welcome to the site. i am sure that the women onhere will be very helpful. i would just like to ask if your wife is seeing her health visitor or a counsellor or someone she can talk to as well as just taking the anti depressants?

I am recovering from pni and have been on anti depressants for 4 months now but I have also been receiving regular visits from my health visitor and seeing a cpn - community psychiatric nurse. she comes to my house to talk to me about how things are going etc. it has been helpful.

if it is practical help your wife needs then I am sure Veritee will be able to tell u all about Homestart who can come into the house and help out.
Can I just say that from my own experience of having my first baby and then battling with this illness, it will get better, but what your wife is experiencing is what most of the women on here have been through.

I hope this has been of some help, just to let u know that u r not the only ones and yes it is horrible and very stressful. my husband colin has been very stressed putting up with me at my worst and now recovering. i still love my husband though and sometimes when someone is depressed it can be the nearest and dearest that bear the brunt unfortunately.

Support is the main thing that has got me through this and this forum has been excellent for venting my frustrations and anger, but face to face support is really helpful too.

I hope veritee and the other girls can help you here as well.

Lots of love
collette x

[paulmartin]

thank you for your reply collette
you know i hadnt really gave this illness a lot of thought but reading through this forum has made me realise that there are a lot of people going through this,my wife isnt getting counselling and im not sure about what health visitors she sees which is as much my fault as anyones i know i should be asking her when i finish work but sometimes you get caught up in other thing when you go home and the thought passes.i am really worried for her as ai have never stopped loving her since we meet 14 years ago and dont want to lose her in anyway

[Veritee]

Hi Paul

Welcome to the site

How can we help Paul?
What you describe is really typical from how PNI can seem on the outside ( and usually mothers are suffering much more inside than anyone ever sees outside)

First of all, have you read the men’s section? I know it is not that active but so of the threads on it might give you some help. Also I know that husbands of the women who come on here read it from time to time and will reply if you post on there – it can be found here: veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men

Your wife has been diagnosed so you know she definitely has PNI/PND so you are a step forward and not at the point of some men when they come on here who don't yet know if their wife/partner has PNI and just do not know what to do to find out.

So you know she has PNI which is the first step and you now need to work on finding ways of coping with it together to get through it.

It can be very stressful for those around us and often no one knows what to do to help.

It is a sad fact too that women are usually suffering PNI when their husbands ahd partners - and unfortunately for those like me who worked and had a career - and working mothers - are at the most difficult time of their career when they like you are struggling to climbing the latter to whatever pay and responsibility level they will finally settle at and are having to strive for promotion, hold it down when they get promotion and are constantly in the lime light at work so can not afford to put a foot wrong, be 'not at your best' or have time off for things at home.


I experienced this as both my husband and myself were at this point of our careers when I got PNI. Something had to give and basically I lost my career ( although I did not actually leave my career until Caja was about 11, I wont go into it but while I hung on the PNI changed too much for me ) but thankfully he kept his.

But I do know how you are suffering from this and understand the issues.

The I am also sure your partner also understands the issues - but she is ill and can not at the moment help her mood swings or the things she says ( and believe me I and many others have said some terrible things to our loved ones and even children) So knowing what you are also going through will also be adding to the stress she is under.

The way forward I found was you have to see this as a 'real' illness which it really is and a shared problem too. If your wife or you had treatable cancer, a broken leg, or something else that disabled one of you for the time being, but something that could be overcome in time, you would treat it as a shared problem and solve the management of it together or if one person was too ill to help manage it you would still tackle it as a shared experience.

PNI is like this; together you will have to find way s to manage it and your lives while she is ill. There is no quick cure - PNI lasts from a few months to a few years - I had it for 5 years - but proper treatment and unconditional support and understanding can really help shorten it for women. Trying to wish your wife better or the situation different will not work – the only way is to accept it, go with it and find ways to manage your lives taking this is not consideration.

This may not be how you would want things – but their will be plenty of time to live as you wish as a family once your wife is well.

You say ‘ the problem we have is that she is at home all day bar going to the shops and the mother and toddler group’ and you do not have family that can help on a day to day basis.

This is a problem many women have when they are ill – and I am sure it is very worrying for you too?

Have you looked into getting a Home Start volunteer? I am a Home Start volunteer myself and this is a charity available in most parts of the country, that sends volunteers like me to regularly visit families with children in the daytime, who hare experiencing difficulties for one reason or another .

This is an entirely voluntary organisation and do a good service - there web site is: www.home-start.org.uk/site/index.asp and this web site will supply you with the contact details of your local group.

There is also Home Start in some areas which is a government organisation which helps families with children under 5 and can I ask if your wife has regular visits from a CPN - Community Psychiatric Nurse or a HV? Has she tried counselling or therapy like CBT?

Anyway let me know what you have tried but most of all perhaps you can try to get your wife to come on here in the day when she is on her own.

A forum like this can not be all the support you have but it can help. Even just keeping a journal of how you feel can relive the your symptoms and responses from others can be helpful and point you towards other solutions or ways of dealing with PNI and getting through.


All the best to you both for now

I hope to hear from you again

Veritee

[Veritee]

My post crossed with Collette's and yours - so sorry if I repeated anything already said

[paulmartin]

Thanks for your reply veritee
my wife doesnt have any visits from CPNs so i will look into it also she doesnt bother much with the computer which i am trying to change,i think shes possibly a bit apprehensive about using it.
Using the computer would be something i would like her to do as she could access this site and also talk to me anytime she needed to as i cant always use the phone but i can use messenger.
You are 100% correct about this being a problem shared we can have the best days ever and then one little thing will change the mood of the day,as i said our family arent very helpfull which hurts as my wife and myself have always been there in their time of need, i know she can say some terrible things to me but to be honest i know she doesnt mean it and i tend not to let it bother me but its harder for stephanie who is 12 years old and finding it difficult as she is in her first year of secondary school and has also got to cope with having the condition spina bifida which gives her walking difficulties to contend with.
my wife vivienne is the most warm hearted and good natured mother you could meet and it tears me up to see her like this,but i think its time for me personally to take the bull by the horns and make a difference and try and help her more than i am at the moment

[wendabell]

dear paulmartin,
hi and welcome,
i hope you can get your wife to chat with us on here at some time as talking is such good therapy and helped me loads on here.
As for yourself would you like my hubby to chat to you as he suffered with me for many years with this and still stuck by me evn if we have had our bad times too.
let us know
love and hugs wendy x.x.x

[karl]

hi Paul
my wife asked me to come on here tonight to see if i can help, i have been on this site a few times and at one stage it was the only way we could let each other know what we were feeling many a tear was shead just to let you know more about me. my wife is a moderator on this site, we have been working through this illness for too many years now since our first was born six years ago we have three great kids but each time PNI has been with us so it seems never ending i like you have got promotion so my work life has been intense to say the least and to be truthful work was an escape from this hell anyway after six years and job change i found myself in a mess and i needed help which i got and its worked what I'm trying to say is yes you need to be there for your wife but you also need to take care of yourself ( this is from a husband/partners point of view) unfortunately there is no real site that helps men going through this I know I've looked at one point i thought about setting up a sit like this for men to help men but i can't give the time but if you feel you need support you are more than welcome to email me my address is on the members contact list
support and blessing to you

[paulmartin]

hi karl and wendabell
thanks for the support,i have shown my wife the forum and i think she likes the look of it,funnily i had actually read karls out to her earlier on the mens site as it is much the same situation,i am going to register vivienne on the site and show her how to use it as i think she will benefit from talking to other woman who relly have PNI rather than others who just throw the words around,i will also have a talk to karl at some point.
Wee paul aidan is sleeping so we are going to try and get to bed a little earlier as our sleep patterns are all messed up.
I will also highlite wendabells name for vivienne and she will contact her once she is sorted on the computer,once again thanks for taking the time to answer our call.

[Veritee]

Hi silverhalo

I found your previous thread under your last member name in case it would help you to understand or come to terms with what happened .

I have taken a risk here and it may do the opposite - I just wanted to try to help.

are you getting any bereavement counseling or anything ongoing that will help you get to a point where you can live with this thing?

All the best

Veritee

[silverhalo]

sadly i never did register vivienne and we got caught up in other things, it makes me sad reading that but dont worry it was nice that you found it i just wish i had followed through though

[Veritee]

I am sorry - I did fear that it would make you feel sad but also looking at things from the past can help you focus and help you to grieve - or i have found this anyway.

But it was not my intention to add to your distress.

Yu are not to blame for any of this though - but often feeling it is your fault is part of coming to terms with what happened , I am sure you will move on in your feelings abou this in time

We can only do our best and our lives do not stop when either ourselves or loved ones are going through PNI.

And actually Vivienne was registered on the site using the name Vivienne but your email (so I know it was her) but she never posted. I was hoping she would post at the time – but she did not

So either you did get round to registering her, or you did your best and told her enough about this forum, so registered herself, but never posted.

There is an old saying ' you can lead a horse to water etc' but whether they use it or it is what they need or can cope with is entirely up to them.

As she did know about the forum and was a member, but did not use it, or at least did not post - we could take on blame ourselves
i.e. that the service we offer was not good enough in that we did not save someone’s life (and we have been told by some that they considered this forum did at some points in their illness)

But we know that we are not to blame

We did our best, as did you
Sometimes it just does not prevent this happening.

I understand why you feel you are to blame and please continue to talk about how you feel - However often no one is to blame - it just is.

I know that nothing will help right now but keep talking and I hope you get other support too

Best wishes

Veritee

[silverhalo]

admin said:

I am sorry - I did fear that it would make you feel sad but also looking at things from the past can help you focus and help you to grieve - or i have found this anyway.

But it was not my intention to add to your distress.

Yu are not to blame for any of this though - but often feeling it is your fault is part of coming to terms with what happened , I am sure you will move on in your feelings abou this in time

We can only do our best and our lives do not stop when either ourselves or loved ones are going through PNI.

And actually Vivienne was registered on the site using the name Vivienne but your email (so I know it was her) but she never posted. I was hoping she would post at the time – but she did not

So either you did get round to registering her, or you did your best and told her enough about this forum, so registered herself, but never posted.

There is an old saying ' you can lead a horse to water etc' but whether they use it or it is what they need or can cope with is entirely up to them.

As she did know about the forum and was a member, but did not use it, or at least did not post - we could take on blame ourselves
i.e. that the service we offer was not good enough in that we did not save someone’s life (and we have been told by some that they considered this forum did at some points in their illness)

But we know that we are not to blame

We did our best, as did you
Sometimes it just does not prevent this happening.

I understand why you feel you are to blame and please continue to talk about how you feel - However often no one is to blame - it just is.

I know that nothing will help right now but keep talking and I hope you get other support too

Best wishes

Veritee

i think i did register her back then now that i think of it but life just movede on and she wasnt one for using computers anyway in fact she actualy used to get annoyed at me for being on it at times as you can get caught up in them, i know im blaming myself for lots of things and that everything is raw, but the empty hollow feeling i have is overpowering and i feel im living someonelses life as it is and i keep thinking im going to wake up and all will be fine.
I dont want to be one of those men who fail their kids after they lose their partner or the guy you see walking down the street with his hair unkempt and unshaven with people saying "hey didnt that used to paul" look at what has happeened to him