Male PNI

[dave37]

Hi All.

My wife was diagnosed with PNI 18 months ago, about 3 months after the birth of our baby boy. Shortly afterwards, I was also diagnosed with Male PNI. We were both given a course of anti-depressants and counselling. Things did get better for a while, but now I feel severely depressed again.

I have now reached the point where all I think about is comitting suicide. I feel like I need the rest and escape. I realise that this would be completely selfish but I dont think Ive done anything selfish since our baby was born.

It has been such a hard adjustment becoming a family. And after desperately trying, I think I finally have to admit that I cant handle it. I'm sick of dealing with financial pressures, fatherly responsibilities, child care while mum is at work. There is no reward. Our baby rarely sleeps through the night despite taking all the advice of experienced parents and professionals. I feel tired all the time. Work is now a nightmare - as I work long shifts my wife is constantly bringing me down calling me at all hours to tell me the baby wont sleep or is misbehaving.

I cant deal with it any more. And yet we have to go pretending to friends family and colleagues that family life is wonderful.

As much as I love my wife and baby I have physically and emotionally had enough.

And I haven't met any dads who feel the same way. Help Please!

[monica]

Hello

I'm so sorry things are tough for you. It's easy to forget that men too can have a diffiuclt time adjusting to parenthood. You mentioned sleepless nights; that's a form of torture and if you just aren't getting enough of it, it's bound to have a terrible effect on you.

Please see your dr. You sound so low, you depseratlely need help. How is your wife feeling? Is she better? You might want to consider confiding in your family firends. You'll probably find that many of them have found parenthood diffiuclt it's sjust there's this social pressure to enjly the whole experience adn if you don't you're a failure adn that's just not true.

Would anyoen ini your family be prepared to look after your child for even one night just so you and your wife can have a break? Could you put your child in a nuresery/ child minder so at least once a week you can have a rest.

AS far as the sleep issue is concerned, does your child sleep well with you and your wife? I know many people critisise this method, but soemtimes when your exhausted it's not a bad idea to do anything to get some kip.

All thebest, Feel free to post on here to let off steam. You'll find many people who can relate to hwo you feel.

Monica

[Veritee]

Dear Dave

I am so sorry you feel like this . I f you need crisis support right now, please try Parentline Plus as they are for all parents men too, 0800 783 6783 and you can talk about any problem you may have as a parent. they are for your feelings not just about the baby, they are open now

as is Cri sis 08451 228 669 as a baby that does not sleep is unbelievably stressful and lack of sleep can lead to feelings that you have now. The babies sleep patterns can be changed, which is a better solution than the ones you are considering.
Samaritans can be very good too: www.samaritans.org.uk/ and they are open anytime.

We do have dads on here that have had depression and similar feelings:
Matt who posted recently seems to be in a similar position to you, see
veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2494

DL is having treatment for depression and his wife has PNI, see: veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2483

Karl also was treated for depression and his wife had PNI, see
veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2435

and there have been others.

Those that come on here mostly have wives with PNI but I know that some men can have depression after a birth even while their wife is OK. I would argue that it is not the same as PNI but it is depression due to a new baby and just as serious and distressing

A new baby in the home is a huge change for everyone and men often try to be strong, have worries about finances and feel isolated because they can not express how they are feeling.
Perhaps also those dads you have spoken to have older children - it is easy to forget how bad it actually was, once your child is older and sleeping though the night.

However it also sounds like both of you are trying to hide your illnesses from others

I cant deal with it any more. And yet we have to go pretending to friends family and colleagues that family life is wonderful.

because you say we - so I assume that you ( like many of us at first) are bottling up how you feel and pretending to the world that everything is OK?

This puts and incredible strain in itself on you and I know that if you start to open out about your illnesses, you will both feel better.
it can be a start talking a little here to strangers and this can lead to 'coming out ' gradually to those you are close to. This can be a great relief and you can find that support is where you never expected it to be.

Do you work together to get through your illnesses or do you feel that you are alone because the emphasis has been on your wifes illness.
because PNI is always a shared illness, even if your partner is not suffering depression themselves, it affects you all and it is helpful to do it together.

Has your wife ever come on here? Or would she come on here?

It does help to start to talk about it even if only here at first -

So please keep talking and ring the crisis lines above if you need to

Veritee

[heart]

Dear Dave- Please seek some help from your GP or any of those lines that Veritee mentioned. You are not alone in having this. My husband was the same and felt he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He worked long shifts and came home to look after me and a newborn. In the end he was exhausted and felt he had nowhere to turn because he had so much responsibility. It is a really tough time that both parents need supporting through. I agree with Monicas suggestion as well about a family member taking the little one for a night so you can get a nights sleep. They use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. Lack of sleep makes everything alot worse. Keep talking and get some help.
Kirsty

[dave37]

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies and allowing me to "let off steam". It really has helped.

I still cant bring myself round to going back to see the Doctor. The thought of going back on the anti-depressants doesn't inspire me.

I don't want to tell my friends and family that I'm depressed again because so few of them understood what I was going through last time. I had to listen to several pieces of advice, mostly along the lines of "pull yourself together" and "just get on with it" - Not Helpful.

I cant even tell my wife, as I feel like I have to be a rock for her. (The main problem being who is MY rock?). On the plus side our baby is sleeping better now which is a big help!

It all seems like a downward spiral because - in essence I have everything I ever wanted in life! But rather than enjoying the experience, it seems were crippled by stress.

At the minute I'll just take one day at a time and see how we go!

Thanks
Dave

[Proud Dad]

I know exactly how you feel my friend, in fact ive just put a post of my experience so far.

About 3 days into being a dad i completely cracked up, I broke down, burst into tears and told my wife I wanted my old life back. Now lets put this into perspective, i haven't shed a tear in probably 15-20 years, I like to think of myself as a bit of a manly man (DIY, Sword fighting as a hobby, rock climbing etc) and on the sensitive side ive got my wife through a bout of work related stress, ive got through redundancy and all sorts of money worries, yet having a baby reduced me for about a day to a complete gibbering wreck.

Try and get family to take the nipper off you for a while, we have managed to get out for a meal together while my sister did some baby sitting and my mum happily takes him for an hour or two if one of us really needs some sleep.

The way i get through things at the moment is to permanently look forward, im thinking about the fun im going to have with my wife and son when he's a bit older, im thinking about when he starts to sleep through the night, im thinking about having my cheerfull, caring wife back. But most of all I hold onto the thought that at somepoint in the future things WILL get better.

Hang in there mate, despite all the hard work, all the effort, the lack of sleep, the money worries and everything else the one bit you are wrong on is the reward, because at some point your wife will turn round and say "thank you" and your son will turn round and say "i love you dad" and for me at least that will be all the reward in the world.

[kankick]

Sorry bout wat yu goin thru mate...My girlfriend is in the psychiatric ward.Its been two weeks and to be honest i almost broke down myself but i had to be the stronger one.Trust me i know what yu going thru but this will pass.Havin a baby is supposed to be a very special time but for me its been the opposite too.Nothing but stress but now i understand what my baby`s mother is going thru and trust me you will get thru it.

It does help to let the heat out yu know.I have found this site useful as i post all my fears here and pple listen and advice.

Better days ahead and always try to mantain a positive attitude coz nothing lasts forever.

Take care...