Does this sound like PNI?

[Jim Brown]

Hi all,

I'm hoping that someone here may be able to help me with some advice.
I am the very proud dad of a 19 month old son. When he was a year old, my wife and I left London, to return to Ireland where we are from. In London, we both had good jobs and a lovely, if small, flat. Things were going well. Then I was offered a good job in Ireland, which meant we could move back home, and raise our family.
We both gave up our jobs, put our flat on the market and moved home. My wife would stay at home for a few months spending time with our son etc etc.
After 7 weeks, it all went wrong, I lost the job. Since then, (4 months ago) eveything has been a mess. My wife now DESPISES me, she has spent 2 weekends with me since Christmas, She is actually abusive towards me now, not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Our marraige is all but over as we cannot communicate any nore. With other people, she is her usual self, but totally irrational with me. She tells me that she hates my guts, that I am a s**t father, and generally sticks the knife in as often as possible. Needless to say I am at my wits end.
Is it possible that our unfortunate turn in circumstances has triggered PNI?
Until 4 months ago, we were the happiest couple in the world, we have been together for 12 years so this is a very recent and sudden episode, although the damage done is huge. I have been supportive all the way, as I felt it might be depression linked, but in the last couple of days, the situation has deteriorated considerably, and my own sanity is being tested.
I read some of the posts from other fathers, and mothers, on this forum, and I actually cried, the relief I felt that other fathers have somewhat similar, if more serious, stories to tell. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you have any words of advice, please do add them.

[caterina]

Hi Jim
I can't say whether or not your wife has PNI but I know that before I was getting treatment I would be sweetness and light with everyone except my partner. Poor sod, he really suffered. It's kind of a compliment as she feels she can be herself with you but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe she could talk to her GP or HV about this? Do you think she would see them? Try to remain supportive, you obviously love her a lot to have found and posted on the website. Good luck to you x

[Jim Brown]

Update:

My wife has been to see her GP at the request of myself, her mother and her sister. She has been diagnosed with PNI, and is currently on medication. I feel that this is now the start of a very long road, and one which I will have to tread carefully and patiently. In many ways it is a relief to know that there is a reason for her sudden hatred of me, and that perhaps I am not the most worthless husband and father ever born. Perhaps now I can recognise my own depression for what it is, and hopefully we will become friends again.
I'd like to thank everyone who has posted their stories here, I have been moved by them all, and I take strength from you.

[helenr]

Hi Jim, have often wondered what happened, and I'm very glad that your wife is now getting help. Would she be interested in joining this site? It may help getting her feelings out here, rather than at you? Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing,
love and hugs x.

[Jim]

How long can this last?

We have just moved into a beautiful new home, ( 1 month ago) On the day that we moved in, my wife told me that she would be sleeping in a seperate room, she has told me that she wishes a divorce, and that her moving into a seperate room is part of her preperation for divorce. Thing is, she had told me that moving into this new house was a new start for us as a family, however as soon as we did, I get hit with DIVORCE. Where do I stand? How do I save my family? Can I save my family? Should I make plans for a single life with limited access to my son, or should I carry on with a miserable existence, in the hope that one day my wife will realise that I am not the dickhead she thinks I am, and constantly tells me I am. To leave my son would utterly break my heart, but when is the right time to say enough is enough? I know that after a seperation, my wife would seek to bar access to my son, rather than lose him, should I take the abuse that comes with living with my depressed partner? Please help.

[cheshire]

Hi Jim,

Welcome to the forum.

How old is your son? Has your wife been diagnosed with PNI – or do you think she is suffering, but not found help yet?

Husbands can take a battering with PNI, but I am not sure of your situation. I hope you show your wife this forum and what you have written – my husband has posted here and it was a real insight for me.

Hopefulx

Sorry, just seen that she has been diagnosed - my husband has said a bit here
veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2462

Feel free to ask/ post anything elsex

[cheshire]

More here:

veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2468

[gizmoracer]

Hang in there, its the PNI talking.

From what you have told us so far the pair of you had a very close and loving relationship before all this happened and I'm sure you will again. I really do sympathis with you as I too have put my hubby through hell and frequently still do. All I can suggest is to give her space but stay supportive of her needs. Its a hard job to do in this situation but just keep telling yourself that she is ill and you will have your wife back. Where possible get some time to yourself, so you can let off steam, it is emotionally tiring having to deal with someone like this all the time and without your own space you will soon crack. Is she on medication? which one? and what about couselling has she been offered? There is no mirical cure for PNI but it will pass in time and with the help of those close to her. Like someone has already said you, unfortunatly, will be her main target because she feels so much more comfortable with you. I hope some of this helps.

[helenr]

Hi Jim,

good to hear from you again.

Has anything changed with your wife? Is she getting help/meds? How is your son through all of this?
love and hugs x.

[Jim B]

Hi all,
I think there might have been some kind of a breakthrough in the past couple of weeks, it all started out of the blue, when my wife said to me "Should we seek some counselling, because there must be some reason I married you, and I want to save our marriage"
I cried my heart out (in private) although not the words I wanted to hear, they were damn close.
To those of you who have suggested showing this thread to my wife, I have to say that I have not. I am afraid to. It seems that it would be a last roll of the dice if you know what I mean. If I lay bare my true feelings, and she rejects utterly what I have to say, I feel that there would be no hope for our family. Treading on eggshells is how I treat this situation. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I don't want to force the issue. Or maybe I want to hold a card in reserve. I just don't know.
I have a chink of light at the end of this tunnel, perhaps only a glimpse, but by God I will take it, and try to work it. Thankyou all for your kind words, your advice, your patience, and your love.
Jim xo

[Veritee]

Dear Jim

I have not written to you before but I wanted to say that I have been following what you have said and I am so glad that your wife - and her relationship with you - sees to have turned a corner.

I also feel it is great you took the trouble to update us and to thank those who have written back to you.

Don't worry if you do not feel you can show this thread to your wife, this is for your support too and if you do not think it would help do not.

However if you ever think it will help for her to use this forum we can either create a separate passworded area to put your thread in for storage if you may want to continue or refer to it later - somewhere she will not know it exists unless you tell her - or delete it altogether and then you can either start to use this forum together or her use it - just post here or email me if you want me to arrange this for you?

Without your thread used only for your own support contributing here as a couple or her on her own - could be part of the communication process at a later date,

or you could have your thread moved and then tell her about the forum and promise her you will not read her post unless she asks you to or says its OK - but maybe start the counseling first

I know that this is only the beginning for you and your wife and you would have liked to hear more - that she was completely happy to be with you again, but you have to take these things slowly

However I do think that this is very hopeful.
I do not know if it helps but I have now been with my husband about 21 years and we are real pals and always will be now but 18 years ago when I had my daughter and consequently had PNI I felt similar to your wife about him as she said about you...........

That I knew that I had loved him very much and got on with him well once- enough to marry him - but I just did not feel it now, but still did want to save our marriage.

In retrospect while it was the PNI that initiated this it was also down to things on both our parts.

There is so much that a baby to care for changed in a relationship and as before your relationship was to please yourself and each other now you have a job to do together in looking after another life and the focus goes from pleasure in each others company to having to work together as a team. i knew this but my husband did not really get this at all.

Barry seemed to feel that his part of the team was to carry on as before - we were renovating a house - but accepting I would give him less help with the renovations although he still expected me to do something even though I had a baby to look after and as he knew nothing about looking after babies and young children he left this to me completely - changed a few nappies yes but really did not take responsibility at all - and forgot that I had no experience of looking after babies and young children either.... he was also very detached and uninvolved with her.

And on my part all I wanted was for him to just be a team with me and concentrate on looking after my daughter with me until we had adjusted the house - or anything else could wait, and I did not think that looking after the baby was my job only ( and anyway I was actually still working too so I needed to know I could trust him to do the job properly when I left her with him to work. He is a sea man who when he is home does not work but works away for long periods.

I couldn't care less about the house renovations or our other plans at that time, they would wait. I had not anticipated feeling like this otherwise I would have run down our other activities in preparation for her to be born, but I had not expected to feel like this I just expected my baby to fit in round us , but of course they do not.

Consequently I felt completely unsupported and that i would be better off on my own as if I was going to have to be completely responsible for bringing up a baby with no emotional support I would rather do it alone without having the extra pressure to have a relationship with him sexual and continuing the support I had always given him up to then etc without getting anything from it myself and in addition having to help with house renovations, cook for him when half the time I was not hungry and have him about adding to my work with washing etc messing up the house with renovations and being untidy etc and yet giving us , neither my daughter or me anything we really needed at that time.

At times I felt I hated him

( yes i still had his financial support but at that time I did not care about this I would have preferred him to have lost his job and gone on benefit as long as he could be there physically and emotionally to look after me and my daughter as a team)

On my part I was complete unable to tell him what I needed or suggest changes we could make that would be a way forward or explain how ill I was so I was tearful, grumpy , withdrawn, bad tempered and sometimes raging.

I am not saying it is like this for you, but I am saying that there are so many adjustments need to be made and a lot of talking and negotiation to be done and practical arrangements and changes in who does what and both need to be emotionally involved in the child/ren etc and we were just not communicating so I am sure a counselor will help.

I often think now that if only we could have a baby now as we have over the years worked all this out together and really do work as a team. No longer are household tasks seen as predominantly my concern as he does as much cooking or washing etc as me, he is very emotionally and otherwise involved with our daughter now, more than me at times and we share everything .........

and the feeling of being alone even with him in the house with a baby to bring up would never happen now - but we are two old and quite frankly are enjoying each others company now our daughter is 18.

So I would say get it sorted out as soon as you can so you can enjoy the rest of your lives together and hopefully together you will make changes that will be OK for you both with the help of better communication.

I am not saying the road will be smooth as often in the process of counseling things can get worse before they get better but stick at it and if you care for each other underneath all this you will get their in the end.

A baby is only a baby or a young child for a short while and as they grow up things change again - I found that from the moment my child was born we had to adjust and accept constant change and compromise.
And PNI does not last forever either. PNI does put such a strain on a relationship and you find yourself not accepting things and situations - especially re your relationship and your partners participation - you may without PNI just live with and get on regardless if you did not have PNI.

But if you come out the other end OK this can make a relationship stronger as you are forced to learn more about each other and compromise etc than you might have otherwise

But good luck with this and let us know how it goes

Veritee XXX

[helenr]

Hi Jim,

so good to hear from you again.

Things do sound as though they've turned a corner, and am keeping everything crossed for you and your family.

Please continue to talk to us as much or as little as you need,
love and hugs x

[Jim]

Hi all,

Veritee, I tried to answer your post the day after you replied to me, but I probably severed my internet connection accidentally. or something.
I have just reread your comment, and to be honest, I cried as much as I did the first time I read it. You are very perceptive. Gifted actually. A lot of what you said struck home deep. I can never thank you enough for confirming a lot of things that I thought anyway, but had not the confidence to express myself.
Without doubt, I have not been as supportive of my wife in the ways that she needs. I have a problem with managing my anger, for example when insulted for no good reason. I see things a bit more clearly now. That is not to say that I am now the best husband and father possible, but I am certainly more aware of what is needed to be done.
I feel that a cloud has been lifted from me, that my own depression can now be dealt with. Partners of PNI sufferes are also sufferers. I suffer every day with the radical change that PNI has brought to my life.
We are supposed to be happy, with a beautiful, healthy son, who will be 2 years old next week. Instead, we have major issues, that may in the fullness of time. destroy our family. Or make us so very much stronger.
This website, and the contribitutors to it, have helped me through a bewildering, and chaotic experience, I hope that I can contribute to this site, to help people that face the same problem. My heart goes out to those throughout the world, who have no access to the internet, and have no support network such as this.
Many, many thanks,
Jim.

[helenr]

Hi Jim,

Veritee is amazingly perceptive isnn't she?

I am so glad you have found support, help and comfort here.

Thinking of you,
love and hugs x

[sianyc]

Hey Jim

I'm so pleased that things are improving for you both. Not many spouses would have stuck around through the emotional battering you were getting and it's a credit to you that you have seen past the PNI and hung on in there.

I truly hope it continues to get better and you get your real wife back x