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Post by allover on Mar 7, 2007 22:49:50 GMT
Well, it looks like my marriage is all but over. I am in the same situation that lots of people are in. Since giving birth to our son, my wife has changed. I'm doubting my abilities as a father, my judgement and my general faith in humanity. Our son is 4 months old. We've had ups and downs - mainly since he was born. We went to Relate shortly after he was born and that looked like it had sorted things. Until last Tuesday when we had a minor argument, she called the health visitor and insinuated that I was cruel to our son. The health visitor said something about social services (I don't know, I was at work at the time). She left with him last Thursday with most of his clothes and has been at her parents ever since. I've tried everything to get her back. It's `too late' to back to Relate; she doesn't trust me, doesn't love me and wants me to sort my problems out (although she has none); she has too many bad memories. I've spoken to the health visitor who says she is very depressed, but didn't sound that interested in PND as a possible explanation - it appears that it is down to me, being `abusive' to our son (something that has since not been mentioned). I mentioned the same to her mother (with whom she is staying) and she doesn't seem interested either - if you believe my wife, her family think we should split because I make her unhappy. One moment she is apparently fine - saying she still loves me (a tiny amount); she wants to come back, but doesn't feel she can. The next I am an abusive father, more interested in playing on the computer than playing with our son and she `isn't going to give me one more chance'. I've been waiting for a week now, to find out if she intends to come back. The conversation I have just had leads me to believe it is a `no'. I love her, want to be a dad but it seems like it is all over. She is the love of my life, my best friend, but there is nothing I can do I'm not saying it is PND, but if it turns out to be...I will never forgive myself for doing more.
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Post by Veritee on Mar 8, 2007 8:19:44 GMT
Dear Allover
Welcome to the forum I am sorry about the situation you both find yourself - it is very sad to split up for any reason, especially when your child is so young.
However it is impossible for us to say whether your wife has PNI. As you say the health visitor does say that she is depressed and if she has said this I do not know why she does not see this as a Post Natal Illness as according to new Guidelines any mental illness including depression after a birth should be treated as a Post Natal Illness ( and your child is only 4 months old which is a crucial time in terms of post natal illness.
So many things change when you have a child that it could just be that the relationship that suited you both before you had children, does not suit her now. that she no longer feels that you are the partner who can support her through bringing up a child.
Have you been very involved with your son since he was born i.e cared for him for periods on your own, fed him, changed nappies, played with him , taken him out in the pram or the car on your own to give her a break, or have you carried on with your life as it was before i.e spent time on the computer and with other activities the same as before and not felt very involved... as all this can be a factor.
As perhaps your wife has told something about how she feels that makes the HV feel your wifes depression is situational i.e caused by the circumstances she finds herself in, the break up caused by how she now views your relationship - and you - and the cruelty she feels you directed to her son.
You said that 'I was cruel to our son' what exactly does she say that you did that was so cruel? You must know what this was?
As apart from actual violence or denying a baby nourishment and not seeing t him when he was crying and needed something, it would, in my unqualified opinion, be hard to be cruel or abusive to a 4 month old baby in the usual sense as they do not understand speech, do not have possessions and do not each solid food - so cruelty could not be in the form - other than the above, it is with an older child i.e taking away toys unreasonably, denying treats, starvation or restricting food.
So without knowing what she feels you have done it is hard to make any comments on this either way.
However if she really feels that you were cruel and or abusive in some way to your baby this could be a reason why she left. Because when you have such a young baby many of us have found that we are so protective that we will do anything to protect them including leave partners of many years.
On the other hand it can be a symptom of PNI to perceive threat to our babies when there is none, so to some extent it depends on whether you actually did something that could be regarded as cruel etc.
Either way as I as you point out there is not much you can do now except be there for her if she needs you and be a good father by showing interest in your baby, visiting her and the baby if she will let you , paying maintenance etc.
I was not clear if you have asked her if she thinks she could have PNI? As she really is the only person who can judge this at the moment.
I am sorry that this has happened but a you can do now is wait. But please let us know how it progresses and talk here if it helps.
I have moved your post and my response to the partners and families section as I felt this might be more appropriate for you
Veritee
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Post by allover on Mar 8, 2007 20:57:04 GMT
I've been very involved - I've fed, changed nappies, played with him, held him (especially in the first few weeks) while he screamed continually and my exhausted wife slept, pushed him in his pram, drove him around and been left with him when she's been riding her horse. Which upsets me all the more that she has said she doesn't trust me with him (incidentally, she said from almost day one that she would trust her parents to babysit him, but not mine).
What have I done that's `cruel'? When he's moaned, I've picked him up, gave him big pantomime kisses and then comforted him. When he's pouted, I've `wobbled' his bottom lip - and then comforted him. When he's screamed, I've `sung' stupid nonsense songs to get his attention (which she calls shouting at him). I've had quite a good rate of calming him when's he's miserable.
We had problems just after he was born, but these were ostensibly sorted out before Christmas. Up until the last couple of weeks, things have been better for a long time - and then she's gone. I did ask her then if she thought she had PND and she said she didn't - she basically said that it was all down to me.
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djlogan5
New Member
mother of 2year oldboy and 5 month old girl
Posts: 19
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Post by djlogan5 on Mar 8, 2007 21:01:48 GMT
hi allover.
I was sorry to read about your situation i am quite new to this forum so dont really have much advice for you i just wanted ot let you know that there are really nice ppl on here who can and will support you,and let you know im thinking of you and hoping things get better soon
take care of yourself xx
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Post by allover on Mar 14, 2007 21:10:36 GMT
Any ideas how I can approach this? I spoke to my doctor today, asking his advice and he said that her visiting the surgery would do no harm. But bearing in mind that she is now staying with her parents elsewhere, doesn't really want to talk to me and would probably roll her eyes and say that she's OK if I suggested anything, I am kind of lost when it comes to doing anything.
I will never forgive myself if my marriage ends and I didn't do enough to try and save it.
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Post by Veritee on Mar 15, 2007 10:10:34 GMT
Hi allover
Well it certainly does not sound tome that you have been cruel in any way - sorry but I had to ask.
I would have loved it had my husband been this involved. he got better later and did change nappies but had no experience of babies at all and did not realize that they needed relating to ....or that I needed a break from my baby!
Anyway as to how you approach her, we are not counselors so all we can offer is our own opinion.
As you are married and the father to your son, I would consider that you have a right to know what exactly is going on and why - and it seems you do not know.
So all I can suggest is you ask to see her to discuss the situation and the welfare of your son etc but in a place that she feels safe and with another person present who you both trust - or a person each who you trust. Maybe her mum, how do you get on with her mum?
If you did this you would have to hold it together throughout this interview.
tell her that you are confused as you feel her behavior to wards you since the birth has been out of character, that you have been married a long time and you have been a good enough husband and you do not understand why she has left, nor do you understand why she feels you have been cruel to your baby as you can not see anything you have done with or too your son as cruel. And that he is your child and you intend to support them if your wife will let you.
Perhaps suggest relate counseling again for you both - you do not have to live together while this is going on, it just might help you do know what this is all about for her at the very least
Thats all I can suggest. Or maybe an meeting with her and her HV. I was a bit concerned that her HV spoke to your wife alone without explanation of what went on, but their is also confidentiality for her to respect I suppose, even though you are married and this is your baby. But I guess she could not have thought that the suggestion of you beign cruel to your son could be substantiated, otherwise the matter woudl nt have stopped there her end.
You could contact the HV and say that as you have been accused of bing cruel and do not feel that you were, that a three way with her should happen as you are the other parent and actually should be treated as equally as important as the mother and you have the welfare of your child to consider.
Well thats all I can suggest. But really I suppose if she will not talk to you - or at least not confide how she feel and what this is all about to you, then their is very little you can do except be there and be supportive.
And visit your son Sorry I wish we could help more
Veritee XX
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