My wife won't believe she needs help

[steve]

We had our 2nd child, Elisabeth in Sept 2005, after a wonderful experience with Matt, born 4 and a half years earlier. Life, seemingly, couldn't get any better - we were so happy together. Kath, my wife was committed to attachment parenting which I fully support. However, Elisabeth is hugely demanding (though beautiful), meaning Kath has to be with her virtually 24/7. At 18 months she will only breastfeed - including all through the night, eats basically nothing at mealtimes and demands absolute attention. She won't sleep on her own or occupy herself even briefly in any way. She will not take medicine when ill, even Calpol, spitting. it out or throwing it up. People comment on the fact that she is small for her age and this causes immense guilt in Kath. I do my best to help take the pressure off but, of course, I can't feed her. Kath appears to be increasingly worried about this - 'I'm a terrible parent' she will occasionally say - 'I've done it all wrong, producing a whiny, clingy daughter.', whilst, at the same time, denying a problem. I continually reassure Kath - I have nothing but admiration and respect for her committment and patience with Elisabeth - plus the physical drain of being continually, literally sucked dry. This is a committment beyond any I have witnessed or experience and is surely taking a toll.

Our life in the last year has been tough - I was seriously (nearly fatally) ill the previous Xmas, I sold my business, was then made redundant from it by the new owners, both my parent have been v ill and we have moved house. Also, Matt was being bullied at school. Kath now feels she has had enough of the stress and has met another man, who did some work for us early last year. She contacted him again 3 months ago after a 'vision' showing her to do this. Now she wants me to agree he can come and live with us!! - he s the only thing that 'makes her happy.' She pressures me continually on this saying that I'll understand and be happy with it all. I have to play this very carefully she seems so on the edge, I can't put my foot down in any way. She says she loves me and doesn't want to break up the family but blames me for all the misery - saying she can't cope any more. Of course I have my faults - I can be moody, a bit obsessive with my interests and insecure but I understand this and am happy to do whatever's necessary to be a better husband. I sold the business to spend more time with the family. She is also becoming increasingly despondent about her 40th birthday next month.

Kath is an intelligent sensitive, balanced, highly ethical person and this behaviour is just not her! She would have been utterly horrified a couple of years ago at the thought that this might happen. She freely admits she is depressed - she has lost 2 stone in weight but would be enraged at me even mentioning she might need help. She threw her wedding ring into the long grass last week when I tried to suggest it - I still haven't found it. She speaks calmly and persuasively but totally irrationally. There are then the outbursts. My sister, with whom Kath is very close, says that Kath loathes herself. Oh God! I don't want that.

I know this is a bit of a self-pitying moan - I'm sorry but I am now becoming severely depressed myself - mainly because this other man is affecting my self worth - and am at my wits' end. All I want to do is to help her but, all too often, I get bogged down with self pity and am no use at all. I absolutely love her and she freely and frequently says she loves me.

[winegirl]

Hi Steve

I don 't really know what to say. What your wife has suggested appears very strange, but if she is suffeing with PNI then her mind will probably be all over the place and she would possibly be having strange thoughts that she would not normally. You mentioned her weight loss and admitting she was depressed, which leads me to believe that she probably is suffering with PNI. But I am not a doctor, and only by seeing a doctor can she have a diagnosis and receive the treament she needs.

I am not sure how to persuade your wife to see her GP about this. It is very tricky. Perhaps you could gently point her in the direction of this forum, where there is always plently of advice and support to go around.

You seem to be doing a grand job of being a supportive partner and I am glad you have come here to talk to us about it. I hope you feel you can come back here any time to talk. I am sorry I have not been much help, but if there is any way you can get your wife to see her gp about this i would strongly suggest she does so.

Take Care

Winegirl x

[joannem]

Dear Steve
I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances (for want of a better word) at the minute.
It does sound like your wife does need some help and you need some extra support too, it sounds like you are doing everything you can at what is a horrible, difficult time.

You say that your sister is very close to Kath, could she persuade her to see her GP or Health visitor?
Are you able to get in touch with Elisabeth's Health Visitor to discuss the feeding issues and concerns that you have? Or to get her weighed and check things out? That could be the starting point for getting help. You can see the HV and discuss your concerns re Kath.
I am a midwife Steve and I have to say that Elisabeth should be having more than breastmilk at this age, and in view that your wife has lost a lot of weight, she obviously hasnt got enough nutrients etc of her own to pass through to Elisabeth.
In a way if she knows this it may take the pressure off Kath if she is thinking she has to keep on breastfeeding. PND does have a fab way of throwing the guilt at you, so she could be feeling like SHE HAS to keep going or else she has failed, of course we both know she hasnt, but PND really does mess with your head! I can speak from experience because I had it too!

It sounds like you both had a lot of things to deal with - your accident, ill parents and moving house ( a big stress!) that was one of my factors in my PND starting!
It sounds like everything has just piled up for both of you.
Would Kath read any PND leaflets? Sometimes just looking at them you realise - "yes I feel like that" but I think your sister could be the one to try and talk to her, this is not any reflection on you Steve, a lot of the women here feel unable to talk to their nearest n dearest. It is hard Steve and sometimes you need to have the patienece of a saint, but I promise you that Kath who you know and love will return and you will be stronger than ever. reassure her of your love, help out in any way with childcare etc and remember it will be tough at times. You too need an outlet Steve, someone else who you can confide in and let off steam.
Dont give in to this "other man" Steve, Im sure thats not what the "well" Kath would want at all.
Promise it does get better - though I understand it might not feel like it at the mo xx
Let me know how you get on. hope it helps
joannem xx
Big hug! the support of your hubby is worth its weight in gold!

[caterina]

Hi Steve
Your wife souds like she needs some sort of help. If she won't go to her GP would your HV maybe come to the house? My partner got me to the surgery by saying we were going to a weigh in clinic then he had a word with the HV. I was furious at the time but I'm SO GLAD he did it now. I'm not suggesting you trick your wife but you might have to do something on her behalf.
The other man idea sounds terrible..stand firm on that one.
Do you have any support through this? Even if you can confide in a friend then it might take the pressure off a bit. Take care of yourself x

[karen1977]

Hi Steve,

I have just read your story and it is truly bizarre, you must be at your wits end. I know what it is like to have your normal family life turned upside down by depression, last year I was ready to walk out on my family after continual fears of harming our only son and just like you say, I was very calm and persuasive about the way I felt and thought that it was "normal" for me but it was totally irrational. I travel a lot for work and was going to just not come home from a trip, I hdant thought any further than that, but it all seemed prefectly rationale to me at the time. Thankfully I was scared into admitting I needed help by doing something i will always regret to my son (I briefly put my hand over his face, then "woke up" and realised what had been going on) and since then it has been a huge relief to me to not have to carry around the burden of my thoughts. I am taking anti depressants and have just been discharged from counselling sessions with my CPN. I guess why I am telling you all this is to give you hope that things can be at rock bottom and then get a lot better.

I am in awe that your wife is still breast feeding, but if you are saying that she has lost 2 stone, then is Elisabeth really getting all the nutrition she needs, will Kath not look after herself for Elisabeth if she wont do it for herself?

As drastic as it seems, have you considered a family intervention? As you say, this is not her, and I am sure that her family would agree that her current suggestion of moving this new man in is ludicrous.

Please do not blame yourself for this, PNI is a disease that affects the whole family and she can get better.

Karen x

[steve]

I am just so touched and moved by all the replies I have had - thank you so much. I am feeling very lonely at the moment. Kath has taken the children to visit her sister in Australia and will be gone for another 3 weeks. She texted me explaining the reasons why I had to let this other man move in with us - that she was entitled to happiness, she could explain it to the kids and our families and friends would understand. I phoned and reasured her that everything would be alright, without of course agreeing to this, but I don't really know how it will be.

After receiving her text, it seemed to give me some strength of purpose that it was my job to sort this out and be strong for everyone. I know I can be and I still feel that way but I just don't know how to go about it. I really think I could help if I could just get her to talk to me properly. Or, as some of you suggest, to someone else - my sister perhaps. She would be suspicious of any such attempt and resist it.

Thank you - thank you again for all your lovely replies - they moved me to tears. It is just wonderful to know that even people you have never met seem to care.

[karen1977]

Hi Steve,

We all depend on the kindness of strangers at some time and this web site has been such a huge support to me that it is only right that I give something back. I am glad you are feeling strong, try to remain positive and hopefully you can find a way to bring Kath back to you.

Keep posting

Karen x

[caterina]

Hi Steve
We do care, because we've all had our low points..some worse than others but ultimately this illness affects more than just the person who has it. Glad to hear you're feeling strong and I hope you and Kath can resolve this together. Keep posting if you want to offload or rant or share good news! It helps sometimes to talk to complete strangers..especially ones who understand. Take care xx

[helenr]

Hi Steve, I am so sorry for the terrible time you are having at the moment. It is a very difficult situation, and very hard to know how to advise. We are all here for you,
love and hugs x.