Daughter needs help

[tina12]

My daughter had a baby 3 weeks ago and is not coping very well.. Initially the baby was being beast fed and was feeding every 40 mins for 2 weeks. She had a traumatic birth and was feeling crap. Daddy helped but felt so inadequate. Now baby is being bottle fed and is doing better, now wants fed every 4 hours on the dot. My daughter feels that the baby doesn't like her because she wont settle her, but does for everyone else. The've also had a dog put down that they had for 10 years and are both grieving over this. I listen to her on the phone and feel so useless. She's crying a lot and feels inadequate, she was very tearful during the last month of her pregnancy and had pre eclampsia for which is she is still on medication for her blood pressure. We are 300 miles apart. I don't know what to do or say to help. Her husband is due to go back to work next week and she is dreading being on her own. Can anyone gbive me any advice to help her please.

[Jay]

Hi Tina,

Do you think she would use the internet to come on here and talk to us?
We don't judge people, she can talk about how she is feeling, and we will all understand and she would make some friends here as well.

The other thing is has she got a health visitor or gp who she would talk to, they would help. If they thought she was depressed they could help her with that. She does sound like she is down at the moment.
Or the hv would probably call in and do a regular visit for a while.

How are you bearing up?
I should think you are upset about it all as well.
If you need a chat, we are here for you too.

I send you my love
Jay xx

[helenr]

Hi Tina,

your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who is so concerned about her. I know how difficult being so far away from each other is, especially just now.
Has she seen much of her hv? Would she talk to her/gp about how shes feeling? Its very difficult to sat whether or not she has pni, and so she needs a proper diagnosis in order to get the proper treatment.
Shes had a lot going on over the past while, and its no wonder that shes feeling so bad.
But again, gp/hv best place to start,
thinking of you

[joannem]

Hi Tina
Just want to echo what the other girls have said really.
Is the midwife still visiting? She could be one to talk to too.
It does sound like your daughter needs someone right now to talk to.
Dont worry about the pre eclampsia in time her BP will settle down.

I know I found it difficult not having my mother close at hand and I do believe this was a factor in my PNI but please keep chatting to her, it may not seem like much but believe me will be so helpful.
Is there any way you could spend a little time with her? I know it is a long distance but a weekend away or something?
Its fantastic that she obviously has such a caring mum.
Please encourage her to talk to us on here too - you could get her to see this post - we have all been there, so fully understand what it is like.
Love Jo xxx

[gizmoracer]

Hi Tina.

It was my Mum who first picked up on how I was feeling and that I was ill. I was lucky to have her so closeby. She had just had a major operation and once home made an appointment at the docs. She asked me to go with her, when we got there turns out the appointment she made was for me.

Its a difficult one being so far away. Make sure she knows you are there for her and tell her she can tell you anything and you will always support her. Its so important to have someone special to talk to. Could you have a chat with her hubby and suggest he keeps an eye on her and speaks to the midwife / hv / gp with your concerns. He may need your support with this to. Hubbies always seem to come out worse off, they get the brunt of it all.

[Veritee]

Hi Tina

I am Veritee ( I founded this forum a few years ago after I had PNI myself)

I have not written to you before but I wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum.

I believe from what you have written above that you are a mum of a daughter who has not long had a baby and you are worried about her - that she may have PNI?

And today I have been told that you are now further worried about the babies wellbeing?
Is this right? is this the situation?

If so I want to say I know as a mother of an 18 year old daughter and a 27 year old foster daughter who has two sons herself, neither of whom live with me now - that it must be very worrying if you live some way away from your daughter and she is in distress - I believe your daughter lives 300 miles from you? My foster daughter lives in Sweden

This can be very difficult - is your daughter contacting you regularly and is distressed ..............but you feel that you can do very little from so far away? I have felt like this

This is very difficult, I have been in this situation myself to a degree with my foster daughter when she had her two sons although my own birth daughter has not yet had a baby - but I think I can understand how it feels and my heart goes out to you.

However all I can say is that unless you are actually able to be there physically with your daughter and support her practically by helping with her baby's care or helping with domestic chores so she can concentrate on her baby's needs ..........there is very little you can do from so far away except be there for her via the phone or the Internet, and listen to her concerns and suggest if she is really worried about her baby's health she contacts her GP, Health Visitor or NHS direct.

If you are really worried you could contact her GP, HV, or social services yourself

but please bare in mind before considering this that it could be that things are not as bleak as it seems and it may not be necessary for you to DO anything!
That all that is needed from you is your support, sympathy and a listening ear

When you are supporting someone from so far away it could be that the picture of your grandchild's health seems so worrying because your daughter is passing on perhaps her inexperience with babies and/or her panic due to PNI to you!!!

- this is more likely if your daughter does indeed have PNI as seems to be a possibility as you say she is being screened for PNI by her Health Visitor, but all new mothers do panic at times about their babies health even if they do not have PNI
I do not know if this is the case but I do know that apart from suggesting to your daughter that she contacts her GP or HV if she is worried about her baby's health - you can do no more than you are already by supporting her and being there for her to vent her worries.

And to reassure you it does sound like your grandchild is being seen and checked by medical professionals and I am sure if there was any real cause for concern about the baby, they would be aware of it.

I did want to say that none of us on here can advise you 'officially' about any medical problems either with your daughter or her baby as this is not a medically based support service but an on-line self help and mutual support service/group run by sufferers and survivors of PNI, so we can not give you medical advice and can only suggest that medical professionals are consulted if you are worried

That being said we do have members on here that as well as being sufferers or survivors of PNI are also medically trained so you could post your concerns for your grandchild on the forum in either of the following sections:

veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=relatives
veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=babies

If you do some of our members who do have medical training may be able to offer their opinion - but please note this will only be their opinion as it would be impossible for anyone to diagnose any medical situation without seeing the adult/child/baby concerned and even if medically trained none of us come on here as medical ( or any other ) medical professional. We all use this forum from the point of view of being sufferers or survivors of PNI.

Can I ask if it is not possible for you to visit your daughter and find out the situation for yourself ?

I understand 300 miles is a very long way and totally understand if this is not possible - I find travel difficult myself these day and have commitments at home that makes it impossible to stay anywhere away from home usually for more than a day or two -

But if you possibly could visit her for a few days it might reassure you and give you a chance to make sure your daughter and her baby are getting the medical help and personal support they need.

Otherwise all you can do - as all of us who are mothers of grown up children can do - is be there on the end of the phone if needed and try to remain calm and supportive.

And I do know how difficult this can be, but often this is all they need as they will be aware that you can not actually do anything practical to help from so far away.
It can really help to let them know that you support them emotionally.

Otherwise all I can suggest is you tell your daughter about this website and try to encourage her to at least read the main site here: www.pni.org.uk or come on here and read what other mothers of new babies are going through - and if she can to join us and post on the forum.

If she will not read it for herself can you not print off anything that you think will help in the main site and on the forum and send it to your daughter?

Please get back to me if I can help further

Veritee XX

[tina12]

Thanks for your replies and messages. Today daughter got prescribed anti depressants after HV made an appointment for her at GP. She hasn't been speaking to husband for days and won't open up to anyone. She just sobs on the other end of the phone and has one word answers. I'm taking a few days off work and driving up to help If I can. The baby has been sleeping better over night but during the days she just cries. Daughter is regretting having her and now feels guilty. I have told her that this is normal to feel like this and it will get better. Tried to get her to go onto this website but right now she's not interested in anything. I'll keep you posted to what happens next week. I spoke to her husband when she wasn't around and he is so frustrated and feels helpless. He is a good husband but they are struggling bit time. Hopefully if I go up for a few days I can give them some time together while I look after bambino......and give her a good tallking too from her Gran!

[gizmoracer]

Good luck Tina. I'm sure she will appreciate it. Don't be too hard on yourself though if she appears to go backwards when you return, dramatic changes can have that affect. Although hopfully the anti Ds will have kicked in by then and she will also beable to see that she has your unconditional support by you making the effort to go to her when she obviously needs you. If you can't get her on here as yet, do suggest it to hubby, there are a few dads on here and they need help and support too. Let us know how you get on.

[sianyc]

Hey Tina

Hope the visit goes well. I'm sure your support will be invaluable to her.

We're all here for you (and her)

[Jay]

Hi Tina

Glad you have found where to find your replies on the site.

I do hope that things get a bit better soon. antidepressants take a while sometimes to work.. and it does take a time to recover.

she will need lots of understanding, lots of TLC. It is hard sometimes when she is feeling so bad. And it is even a struggle sometimes for her to do the simplist of things.
Just be there for when she needs help and someone to talk to. She will get better, and it will seem hard on you all.

I hope you enjoy your time with the baby.

we are here for you , her and Hubby if he wants to chat.
Let us know how you get on.

Take care
Jay xx