What To Do, What To Do...

[James]

Hi

Don't know if any one can give me some help here.

My partner gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at the end of March ;D, which was fantastic. I then took two weeks of work to help adjust as we also have another daughter who is two years old.

However the majority of this time was taken up trying to get the hang of breast feeding, which unfortunately did not happen, and by the time we knew where we stood with the feeding i only had a few days left before i went back to work.

When i went back to work things started to get worse, and i took a few more days of at the end of my first week off to help out at home again, but this didn't really help to much as it wasn't enough time.

The main issue at that time was that my partner was lacking in confidence in dealling with the two kids, mainly with the logistics of going out etc as the change from having one child to having two was a lot tougher than we both imagined.

Over a period of time this confidence issue got to the stage where she wouldn't leave the house, and as a result our two year old daughter started to get cabin fever of sorts and would start to play up and misbehave, which escalated and escalated to the pont where she dreaded being on her own with her.

This situation remained and just grew and grew unitl my partner left and went to stay with family up north and left me with the kids.

Changing the subject quickly, i should point out that i work for my parents and have done for 11 years now which hasn't been easy i can tell you, but with the other situation mentioned above it got worse. Work to my parents is a huge part of their life and they have a certain expectation of me. Unfortunately my partners mother sadly passed away and her father lives abroad, and her family live up country so she has not had any support as such and therefore see's my parents slightly as her parents as they have helped out in the past with things.

My parents however could not understand the situation she/we were in and my partner felt that they provided very little support in a time when she should have had it.

For example, they would say things such as "when you were born i only had three days off (i am also a twin) and went straight back to work" - Well that doesn't really help. Also when my partner did go away, the plan was that i would take the kids up to her and then go back to work and go up and stay with her a few days latter. To that my parents repliy was " we don't think you should take the kids up to her because you might never see her again" - Once again really usefull.

I felt guilty about taking time of work at fear of what my parents would say and work colleagues, but also i had spent 8 years working for my parents when i was single and didn't take time off.

I did take the kids up to my partner dispite what my parents thought of the situation, and i came back home on my own. That evening i sat and i then realised that i should be up with my partner and not worrying about work. Work has to come second (or third).

I wish i had realsied that earlier as we may not be in the situation we are in now.

Following that i drove back up to my partner and spent the whole week with her and the kids trying to talk things through and get things sorted.

We have ,since getting back ,got some one in twice a week to help with the children and things haven't been as bad.

She has since spoken to the health visitor who diagnosed her with PND/I and she recetnly saw the psyciatric nurse who has helped and she will see him on a regular basis.

I have also now quite my job with my parents and will be starting my own business. The reason for this was to do my own thing but also i would rather my parents were just my parents and not my employers.

One of the problems that i/we have at the moment is that the mornings are just awfull. My partner recetnly has had an issue with getting up in the morning (as she is constantly tired). I would get up with the kids early, and sort them out with breakfast etc whilst trying to get my partner out of bed before i go to work (8.00am) Eventually she would rise about 10mins before i go to work and then she would be really annoyed because she hasn't seen me in the morning and we would then have a huge arguement about it.

She now tries to get up early by setting her alarm at about 6.00am so she can be up before me and the kids and sort herself and other things out.

However just recently our youngest daughter has been waking before 6.00am and as a result my partner gets up with her but is really annoyed that she didn't get up before her and that she hasn't had any time to herself, and is now thinking about setting her alarm for 5.00am.

She is paranoid that our youngest is waking up earlier and earlier and she feels she needs to get up earlier and earlier. Bear in mind that she is already tired and as a result very irritable in the mornings

We had a huge row this morning and i don't really know what to do about this and how to resolve this situation.

Hope some one can help/advise.

Thanks

[DL]

Hi James,

Matt here (otherwise known as DL - the author of Reaching Out)

I came on this site to update my post and saw yours, I'm off to a meeting in the next 10 mins but I just wanted to quickly reply and say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! My Wife has has PNI for over a year now and we have been through some rough times (to say the least).

It's taken time but slowly Lucy (my Wife) is getting better but when things were at their worst Lucy would be going about her day 2 day stuff all smiley and happy and cheery and then come home, burst into tears and have a massive panic attack - unfortunately she discovered self harm as a coping strategy.

I'm still no expert but I've learnt (mainly through 6 months worth of therapy myself) that the biggest thing I can do is try and support her and not to try and control things - getting help was a huge help, as was the Anti-Dep pills and Lucy saw a private counsellor and is now accessing therapy on the NHS. Homestart is a fab service and our volunteer is an angel.

I know it may sound like madness at the moment but things will improve over time (I must admit I never believed that when people told it to me)

Lucy still has issues with trying to be the perfect Mum/Wife/Friend etc etc but only recently has she learnt to find space for herself. I do all I can with our 2 girls (Lucy had PNI after gving birth 16 months ago) but it a struggle juggling work/life etc with trying to help out.

You should be very proud for taking the brave decision of quitting the job with your parents - Good Luck with the new business.

Off to my meeting now,

Cheers,
Matt

[sianyc]

Hi

I have the same age gap with my 2 girls and the 'cabin fever' you described your eldest having brought it all back!! I would spend days not leaving the house and then feel bad about that. It would be lovely to have time to get sorted before the kids surface in the morning but mine wake up routinely between 6 and 7 and if I try to get up before them then the alarm or the door or the stairs wakes them up. If I manage to get down the stairs then the shower, kettle or fridge opening wakes them up - ggrrrr

Here's what I did when they were younger (they're now coming up for 4 and 2)

Get up about 20 minutes before G left the house (he did what you do in the morning which is a fab thing to do by the way although I was an ungrateful cow at the time!)

Have coffee and breakfast before he left so I could eat in peace without being nagged

Put CBeeebies/Disney DVD on and the stairgate on the living room and have a shower. Sometimes it would be about 10 or later until this happened and the little one would be having a nap. Lots more times, I would have an audience while I showered

On the advice of one of my closets friends, I planned one thing to do every day which was out of the house. That could be having to go out and buy milk, post a letter or if she's up to it then the park.

The time to myself was carefully planned to coincide with afternoon nap time. I used to try not to nap as well as this was an hour and a half of feet up with a book and a cuppa.

My eldest still is a bit of a whirlwind to be honest and I find it much better to get the hell out of the house with her otherwise my stress levels go through the roof. There just isn't much time to yourself to be had in the mornings so I had to get over that idea and try to get it in the afternoon instead

It honestly does get better. Now I'm a year and a half down the line and the age gap isn't quite so stressful and mornings run a bit smoother x

[James]

Hi

Thanks for posting a reply. Its good to know that i am not the only one experiencing these issues.

I definitely agree that its a good idea to try to get out of the house at least once, whether is just to do the minor of things.

The problem that my partner has is that she is so paranoid that our two year old will play up whilst they are out that she would rather stay in the house which of course causes other issues.

The other issue is the logistical side of things. When our first was born things were OK and M soon adjusted to life with a baby and would be out most days some where or other doing some thing, right up to the days before our second was born.


And then the crunch came.....

Having two children logistically is so much different to one and both of us may have been slightly naive in that respect in that we didn't appreciate how different it was. Having to deal with two children whilst you are out and about is so much different but M is also very aware of what other people might think of her if she has to tell our oldest off.

Of course this is helped by the fact that we can't even park our car outside our house, so we have to get absolutely everything we need ready before we go. There is no putting one child in the car and then popping back in to get the other and then popping back to get the bags etc. And this of course increases the pressure before you go out because it all has to be ready

Our two year old is probably no different to many other two year olds, the problem is that because she has stayed in so much and her routine has changed, she knows exactly what buttons to press to wind up my partner.

I mentioned before that she had seen the psychiatric nurse, however i forgot to mention that he didn't think it necessary to prescribe any medication which i was a bit shocked at.

This led me ( and one of her closest friends) to wonder whether she is being completely honest with the nurse as to how bad this situation actually is.

[caterina]

Hi James
Welcome to the site and you're a total star for caring so much about your wife.
Mornings were the worst time for me as I had not slept properly all night due to PNI and 4am feeding then having to drag myself literally out of bed while my OH went to work. The tired feeling that PNI brings is awful, it's like trying to do everything through a fog of syrup. But it does get better. The most helpful thing my OH did was make up the bottles for the day ( only got 1 kid so no older sibling issue here) I found then at least if I had a really awful day then the most taxing thing I had to do was heat a bottle..sometimes that was a struggle! he would also leave a sandwich for me in the fridge so at least I could eat something..didn't always but it was nice to know it was there.
As for the medication side of things, I'm biased as I took, and still take 11 months on, an antidepressant and its really helped me. There are ladies on here though that have not taken anything and have come through it so it's not essential to take meds.
I know its difficult while you're working so hard but try to take the pressure off as much as you can, just until she's feeling a bit better. It might mean a few months of working then going home and doing another day's work there but she will appreciate it in the end. Trust me!
I think getting out of the house is a good idea too, is there a mums and toddlers she could go to and just let your older one run a bit wild? Or the park? Might tire her out a bit! It sounds silly but I used to relish my trips to Tesco in the evening on my own..OH would look after bub and I could roam round browsing..never bought much, just enjoyed the time to myself! That sounds so daft but it was my treat to myself at the time!
Take care
Cat xx

[helenr]

Hi James,

I'm sorry I missed your post, but I wanted to welcome you to the site (better late than never).

Your wife is very lucky to have someone who cares about her as much as you obviously do, she might not realise it right now, but she will when she starts to recover.

Its fantastic that she's getting help, does her CPN not update you on things? Mine used to give DH a breif outline of our sessions. Nothing was gone into detail, more Helen feels better/worse, is worried that you'll leave her etc. She would then ask DH if he thought I was better/worse. This was not to check up on me, more that at the start of this illness, it is sometimes difficult to judge just how unwell you are, and so its good to get someone else's perspective. Hope that makes sense.

As for getting out and about with the kids, I can totally understand where you're coming from. There is 18mnths between my two, and its only recently that I have fely confident enough to venture out with them on my own. In essence you have two babies, neither of whom understand.

My saving grace was putting L ino nursery. It was a descision I struggled with, but am so glag I made it. He is now back to the boy he was before all this started, and it gives me the extra incentive to do something with them on home days.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough about me. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, look forward to getting to know you,
love and hugs x