but we need it!

[c01d]

My partner gave birth to our wonderful son a couple of months ago.

She hasn’t even kissed me for around 8 months. Months ago I did mention lack affection was hurting me. I can’t tell her again. Im not a beggar, I can’t demand love. I don’t pressure her at all for sex. I don’t grope her; if she is getting changed I knock on the door and respect her privacy.

What do I do then? Work 9-5, cook, clean, bottles, feeding at all hours. She has never has to ask or complain about anything like that.

You see ladies, men need sex to feel loved.
Sex and love from the women we love can propel us to succeed in all aspects of life. It really can precipitate wonderful things.

Women don’t understand it isn’t just about the orgasm, but sex life can become so degraded over time that the big o is the only pleasure derived.

One of the biggest mistakes women make is to allow their partner to become sexually uninterested in them.

She has PNI, and is taking the antid's. Im so afraid without any affection, I will seek it somewhere else. Would it be wrong of me to have an affair? Would it be wrong of me to seek out a prostitute?

So many of the posts here are about the utter abhorrence toward your partners and intimacy. If you are not willing to provide an essential ingredient to your mans well being, do you care if he seeks it elsewhere and stops bothering you?
Women and their attitude toward sex after childbirth is the reason prostitutes exist.
Ok, so that may be a bit harsh, but im confused, uncomfortable, tense, irritated, a little angry, frustrated and exhausted and rejected to scrape the surface.

I don’t want so seek physical intimacy elsewhere, I need some answers, I don’t know what to do.
In the last 2 weeks I have felt so uncomfortable and tense ive stopped touching her at all (read non sexual) hand holding, hugging etc.

It feels she wants a father, or guardian rather than a boyfriend/husband/partner.

Sorry for the long post, but this is the first time ive gotten this out.

[sare]

Hi C01d,

It is true that it is very common for women with PNI to not want an intimate relationship with their partners, however it is also true that for most it returns once the PNI has gone, and it isn't that long since your wife gave birth, her bosy and hormones probably haven't returned to normal yet.

It sounds like you are a loving husband and are doing everything you can to support her, which is great.

Have you tried to speak to her about the way you are feeling? has she told you how she feels?

As for looking for sexual contact elsewhere, I cannot say how this would make her feel, some women may not care if their partner's went elsewhere but some would be distraught. From personal experience I can say that it would have devastated me if my partner had done this to me.

If you would like ongoing support, or just a place to vent, there is a section on the forum for partners - feel free to post there any time you like

Sare
xx

[yoyo]

Hi co1d

I can so understand your pain. For me PNI was a similar experience - PNI made me realise that sexual intimacy was one of the only times I coudl switch off from the hell of my illness and focus on my husband. THe problem is that he didn't feel this way - he foudn it hard to be intimate with me when I could be so cold, harsh & distant towards him so much of the time.

As for seeking comfort somewhere else - I can understand why you would want to do so . . . BUT thigns will improve and life will become sweet again - once your partner starts to connect with her emotions and feelings (PNI stops this somehow) things will get so much better. HUbby & I now are best we've ever been and can talk easily and love each other as we need and want to.

You sound like a really caring guy and your partner will love you for this even if she can't show it right now.

As to the Q - "would it be wrong of me . . . ?" I think that you know the answer as you're having to ask in the first place.

Please keep talking on here and with your partner if you can.

PNI Stinks but it is an illness and thigns will get better x

[gizmoracer]

OK this is a very common problem/complaint amongst most couples suffering with PNI along with other sorts of depression. I have had it from both sides. As a woman suffering with PNI as well as just a mother, the last thing on my mind was sex. I knew this was fustrating for my husband and so any form of affection was taken the wrong way. He couldn't hug me without it feeling he was 'after something'. Since I have recovered our sex life has improved greatly and I can honestly say it is better now than it ever was before, although I put alot of that down to an open relationship. From the other point of view I have also been in a similar position to you. My husband was seriously ill at the end of last year and is still suffering after effects. At one point he lost his sex drive and even now it can be very demanding on him.

So a solution. Firstly if you have always had the sort of physical relationship that finds you holding hands and cuddling on the sofa, continue with it, but make it clear you are showing love and affection towards her not asking for anything in return. this will stop your relationship from deteriorating. let her know that you appreciate her not feeling up to it at the moment and that you are happy to take things slow. Remember having sex after having a baby can be just as daunting to a woman as her first time. Right thats her and you as a couple sorted, now for you. Think back to the days before sex and girlfriends, what did you do. Perhaps its time to get reaquainted with your hand again, not a perminant solution but one that will ease some of the fustration never the less. If you have an open relationship, where she is not discusted by porn and masterbation this will take the pressure off you both, set aside some me time, when she knows only to disturb you if she wants to join in. If however she is a little more old fashoned and this is likely to upset her you may find that being a bit sneeky is the answer. Perhaps you have tried this already and it isn't quite enough. There are aids out there for men as well as women, I run a discreet online shop called Sinful Desire. You will find a link to it here www.pni.org.uk/shop.htm just be careful if she is not likely to appreciate things like this. Communication is still the key.

[c01d]

Thanks for the advice. Appreciated. Against my better judgement i have talked to her about it. Its the last time i mention it.
She has the doctor today, hopefully she asks for help. Ive set a mental date, the end of next month before a trial seperation. Date is significant, the last time she kissed me.

Think im starting to loose my mind.

[Veritee]

Hi co1d

I am so sorry you are going through this and I know my husband also understands how you feel - he has just read your post
As my husband is a seaman I too understand how it is to be denied this essential intimate/sexual contact for months at a time
And he experienced this from me when I had PNI

Everything I say is only my opinion

This is a site for women with PNI as well as relatives, husbands and partners and it seems to be a fairly common experience that women with PNI become not interested in sex or even sometimes repulsed by it.

And there maybe ladies on this site at any time that love their husbands or partners dearly but can not at present have sex with them and so their deepest fear may be that their partner/husband will lose patience and go elsewhere for sex with another person

Which is what you suggested

When I was unable to have sex with my husband I would have been very scared at the suggestion that he or any partner in this position may need sex so much they consider a prostitute. I know it is a lot to ask , but I think most of us ask/expect of our partners/husbands that they remain faithful - as when you are so down for our partner not to ( unless you did have a truly open relationship but this is rare) would feel like the ultimate betrayal

I have known some men have suggested this to their wives in the hope that this may prompt them to start to have sex with them again..
However it will not!!!

As when suffering PNI it is not always a question of not wanting sex it is often a question of not being able to !!

You might even manage it every few months of so but this does not mean that you are able to another time

I however totally understand why you may feel like this and understand it does not mean you don't love your partner -and in fact it does sound by what you say about respecting the level of physical closeness she can tolerate and being very helpful with the house, baby etc that you are a very caring man

But as for your solution, I would say that to have sex elsewhere, even with someone you pay, would be the worst thing you could do for your relationship and lead to real mistrust ( especially later when you do resume sexual relations with her)

Of course you have the option not to tell her but you do actually sound like a loving man who confides in his wife so I think you may find it hard to keep a secret like that for the rest of your life together.

Therefore as you do love your partner I feel that while you think it is the solution, sex with another may well prove empty as it will only be for the sexual release ..................

And therefore a solution like masturbation - as another member gizmoracer - maybe as she suggests with Porn or sex toys, would be the best way forward for your sex drive and in this way you do not betray your partner in anyway.

Since Giz wrote this you seem to have then given your partner an ultimatum - sex or separation - if you love her I just do not get this ? If you love her as you say - and your child - is not masturbation preferable to separation

I am hoping that your partner will not take offense if you choose this as she must realize that you have needs and will understand you have to do something as it is a biological fact for most fit healthy people.

Actually I am female but I do understand your dilemma very well myself for other reasons as I have similar problem myself I am a woman and I have needs , my husband is a seaman who goes away for up to 4 months at a time and has done all our married life so i too use masturbation etc rather than betraying his trust by having sex with someone else

However you may ask why does your partner not have these needs also ?

I guess we all do have needs but unfortunately sometimes things get in the way - Having a baby itself can make a new mother too tired or drained due to sleepless nights or hormone changes to even need sex for some months and PNI does seem to 'mask' or cut us off further from such needs for many especially if we associate sex with some trauma or invasion of privacy autonomy or personal space.

But I assure you that this will not be forever ...
If you had a good sex life once , you will again - but you will need to be patient.

I really enjoy intimacy with my husband but when I had PNI I was not able to do it at all for about a year and had no interest for at least 3

But that for us is many years in the past and it will be for you too -but please think very carefully before seeking out sex with another person as your solution -this would have so many implications for your relationship

All the best

Veritee

[caterina]

If she had a physical ailment ie paralysis or gynaecological disorder that prevented sexual contact would you feel the need to seek it elsewhere?
PNI is just as debilitating as a physical illness, she probably has absolutely no interest in sex as she feels so absolutely wretched in her own skin. Her libido will come back as her PNI gets better but meanwhile a bit of patience might not go amiss.

[Jay]

Hi

I am a wife who lost her sex life after a birth trauma.
So this post has worried me.

PNI is an illness, and one which your partner is probably living in absolute hell with. It can make you feel so ill that you think you are going to die, and this is quite a good reason to not want to participate in sex. Sometimes it is a dread and an effort just to walk upstairs.

It is not meant deliberately to deprive the partner. Infact it is very upsetting for the female too. I can remember the enjoyment and the closeness. And I can remember having to mourn loosing this part of my life.
It made me feel worthless. And still does really.

It was not something we discussed. I use to feel so awful that sometimes I use to promise to try to sort it, not really knowing how or where to start. Sex therapy was awful, and did not help.
Counselling did encourage me to try again, but it is not the same or something I really enjoy trying. It also meant that we did not have this closeness, which did break my heart.

I think it is going to be even harder to get close, now you have taken away any touching or hugging. Ladies need to be loved too.
I hate to say this but it sounds quite cruel to withdraw even a hug to someone who is not well.

Can you not have a little more patience while she tries to get well?
PNI does take a time to get over.
A cut off date of the end of Sept before you separate seems so harsh, and upsetting. Even if the gp gives any medication or counselling it is hardly going to be working before you leave.

ps. I can't sleep as this has brought back so many memories. All the things you talk about are the things I use to dread and worry so much about. The less affection we showed to each other the worse it all got.

I am still with my OH. He did stay. But it probably would have killed me then to know he was thinking about prostitutes and leaving me.
Please don't give up on her!

[gizmoracer]

One more thought, while I think of it. Why don't you get your wife on this forum so we can all help and support her with her illness too. There have been loads of men and women who have found this site to be an invaluable part of their recovery.