No one to blame and nowhere to hide

[sianyc]

It sounds like the HV has had experience of this sort of reaction to her questions before. She's clearly able to deal with it and not take it personally as she's coming back today.

PNI can make a person act very irrationally and I totally agree with Scarlet here in that she is probably scared that to admit her feelings as that will mean that her baby is taken away. This is not what will happen but that doesn't make the fear any less real.

I hope it goes better today x

[tony]

Hi everyone,
The HV is due at 4pm OH is still in a foul mood but im just trying to take that with a pinch of salt. i would also like to thank everyone for there replies and to let you all know that being able to get advise here has started to relieve the pressure i was under as i know understand a lot more than i did a few days ago about PNI

Will let you all know what happened later

Speak soon
Tony

[Scarlet]

Hi Tony,

Let us know how it goes today.

We are here for you whenever you need us.

Scarlet
x

[winegirl]

Hi Tony

How did it go?? Thinking of you xxx

WG x

[tony]

Hi all,
OH wouldnt talk at all today to HV she is not coming back til tuesday and she said this may be out of her capabilities now. I managed to get OH to talk me a bit around 8pm tonight. I know think i have got to the bottom of whats happened the last few weeks at least. She mentioned she hadnt had a period in 2/3 months (Im an open person but this is something OH never discusses as its not a daily convo topic is it) I messed up by saying it was probably worry and stress she snapped at me for saying that. She asked me to get a PT so i did from tescos and its positive. Im now scared that this is going to make things a lot worse as there was no real reaction i could pick up from her face. I think its time i brought a dr into this as she will have to visit the dr anyway.

Thanks
Tony

[winegirl]

Hi Tony

Oh goodness I don't know what to say. Your poor wife must really be struggling with all those added hormones. I think that if she is now pregnant she is really going to need lots of help. Can you go to the GP with her? Can you ring the HV and tell her? You guys need some support here and its time you started dmanding it Tony.

What did your wife say about the PT? How did she seem about it? How are you feeling?

Please keep talking here Tony, we will do our best to support you x

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hi Tony,

Sorry that you wife wouldn't speak to the HV. Does the HV know of your wifes pregnancy, were you able to dicuss anything with her at all?

From my experience and what you have said, it sounds as if your wife could be overwhelmed with a young baby and then to find out she's pregnant as well so soon afterwards (which she most probably suspected), has feelings of not being able to cope emotionally, and hormones during the early stages of pregnancy can have an effect on mood anyway.

Depression/anxiety is common in pregnancy as well, so I think you need to get her to speak to her GP as soon as possible, especially since she has found out she is pregnant again.

Keep in touch

Scarlet
x

[tony]

Hi WG - Hi Scarlet,
The HV dosnt know she is pregnant yet i will try and get hold of her on monday anyway to let her know. I didnt really say that much when she visited as i dont really know what is going through OH head right now i dont really want to say too much as my opinion may be totally wrong thus making OH feel worse than she already does.
I will definatly make sure im at Drs with her to its the one thing i never miss with her or my daughter. As im self employed im also going to cut my workload down for a while and as im a web designer and IT consultant a lot of things (80%) can be done from home anyway. This will at least give OH some extra time to herself as i can deal with the babies daily needs a lot more to during the day. I think staying at home more though may be a catch 22 situation as she might feel that i dont trust her or something plus 24hrs a day together is never healthy.
She never had reaction whatsoever to the PT either. I havent talked to her yet about how she feels being pregnant as i dont want to push the situation too much, or do you think i should?
We are going to drs on wednesday do you think i should leave asking her how she feels about it once its been properly confirmed?

Thanks for staying in touch its really helping with making decisions in my own mind.

Tony

[winegirl]

Hi Tony

Its a tough one as she might actually be wondering why you havent talked to her about it. If I were her I would be wondering why my hubby hadnt spoken to me about it. Having said that, if she doesnt want to talk about it that leaves you with a problem too. I guess if the oportunity arises to talk to her about it you will know if it is the right time.

Its great that you can stay around at home to help out, I wish my OH could have done that when I was suffering, instead he was at work 6 days a week till late at night and i found that really did make things hard.

Best of luck at the doctors on wednesday and do keep in touch with how it goes. Will be thinking of you both xx

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hi Tony,

It's good that you will be able to stay at home for a while, being self-employed. At first I am sure it will help her a lot, but I know what you mean about it being a catch 22 situation, and this may well happen. The thing is Tony, what you have to do is let her take control back gradually, so when you see her doing more things...let her do them, and ease off a bit...same with the work situation, gradually spend more time out of the house, of course a little at a time at first, but work your way slowly to getting back to the workplace, so she can learn to cope alone, and not become too dependant on you. I think from my own experience, if my hubby had been at home all the time, I would have felt even more useless as a wife and mum. It's a difficult balance, but I'm sure you will be able to pick up vibes along the way, and we will help you do this....no worries about that.

As for the pregnancy situation, you could ask her how she feels, but if she is depressed and anxious, she's probably confused about her own feelings anyways, and how she's feeling may be difficult for her to describe to you. I should make a few passing comments about how things will be fine, and whatever happens you will get through it together.

Keep in touch with us.

Love

Scarlet
x

[gizmoracer]

Hi Tony.

Wow what can I say, I have been reading through the thread and you are both in such a difficult place at the moment. Personally I would say it is very clear her symptoms relate to that of PNI and I'm sure the dr will agree with this. One of the first things drs do in this situation is offer Anti Ds however now she is pregnant again this could well complicate matters. You seem to be doing everything you can possibly think of to help her and I just wanted to say well done for that, its not an easy thing to do and even when you are helping and doing whats best you will still get it thrown back at you (unfortunatly quite frequently no doubt).

From my own point of view it may be worth getting in touch with the hv and cancelling her visit for Tuesday. The reason being this will give your OH time to cool down and feel less pressured when you go to see the dr on Wednesday. The last thing you need is her claming up on the dr.

My advice for the moment is above all else keep the communication going, it is very important to you both and your relationship. You need to try and find out how she feels about the prospect of another baby but like you said should you push it? not sure. She may well be feeling very numb right now and possibly in a form of denial. My son was 4 mths old when I fell pregnant for a second time, I was in the depths of PNI and unable to cope with a very demanding baby dispite my OH being around quite alot. It was infact him who noticed I could be Pregnant again and if it had not been for a breakdown in our communication (through us both being in shock) I think I would have totally ignored the fact altogether.

Do keep talking on here and if you or your OH want to PM me feel free.

[sianyc]

I think the Dr is the best plan for now. As you no doubt already know, hormonal changes after birth and when pregnant are HUGE. Has she been like this only since the start of the pregnancy which sounds like about 3 months in?

It really is in her best interests to confide in the GP so that he/she can advise on the best way forward from here. Perhaps it has just been her body's reaction to the hormones and the stress of suspecting a pregnancy. I was pretty evil when pregnant the second time (especially early on) as I was knackered and in complete shock too!

I'd wait for a good moment before talking to her to be honest although it's probably better if you've at least discussed it before the GP on Wednesday.

[Scarlet]

Hi Tony,

Just wondering how you and your wife are holding up, and what the doc said. If you get chance let us know.

x