Post by susanneb1984 on Sept 20, 2005 16:29:30 GMT
Ok, this is my story, not just of my PNI but of everything, I am going to be as honest as I can, and hopefully, it will reach out to one of you and give you some hope for the future.
My mum and dad split up when I was 3 years old, he left and had access every saturday, until one saturday, he didn't turn up (for reasons I later found out) and he didn't turn up the next saturday or the next, or the next. My dad had gone from my life, been 3 years old, I carried on. My mum remarried in 1989, and life carried on, my sister was born in 1990, and still life carried on. My step dad was very strict and scary, and we didn't get on very well at all, my Grandma became my tower of strength. In 1996, my mum and step dad divorced, I began starving myself in a bid to create more food for my little sister, she was, and still is my world. When starving myself didn't work, I started making myself sick, this went on for many months, until one of my friends dragged me to the school nurse, she told my mum and things got even harder at home. I didn't get on with my mum, things were very strained and I felt very alone. I began to wish my dad was around, I began to dream about him flying through my window and taking me to a magical place where nothing was ever wrong, and everything was perfect.
In 1997, my mums boyfriend moved in, they had been childhood sweethearts, and once again my life carried on. Until one night, when I was upset. My mum had gone up to bed, leaving me and her boyfriend downstairs, I was crying because I had just split up with my boyfriend and been 12 years old, I thought the sky was caving in and I'd never be able to love again. That night began the nightmare that became my life, my mums boyfriend pinned me to a chair and kissed me. I panicked and ran upstairs, crying and shaking. From that night, I tried to avoid him, I didn't tell anyone what was happening. After so much, I thought my mum deserved to be happy, and she seemed so happy, as did my sister. I did anything to avoid been left alone with him, but despite my best efforts, he carried on trying to touch me, and made me think it was my fault.
For 2 years, he made my life a living hell. And still, I didn't tell anyone, my mum and sister were happy, that was what mattered, I meant nothing.
It all came to a head when he'd been making me walk around in my gym skirt for him when my mum was out, and I couldn't bare to be looked at, so I wrote a note saying I didn't have to do PE and signed it from my mum. The school found out. I confessed everything and was taken to the school social worker. She called social services who asked me to go home and sort it out. My reply was 'make me go home and I will kill myself'
Unfortunately, my mum didn't believe me, and kicked me out, once again, my tower of strength, my Grandma looked after me. I gave a statement, stating all the things that had happened in two years, he was never charged because he never raped me, so they couldn't do anything. He denied anything happened. I continued to live with my Grandma, and everyone thought I was ok. I had been through a lot in 14 years and everyone assumed I could cope, but inside I was falling apart. I felt dirty, I felt guilty, I hated myself.
Eventually, him and my mum split up, for reasons I don't know, but she never believed me, and that didn't help build our already fragile realtionship. I moved back home, things got back to 'normal' until I cracked. I stopped doing my school work, and spent a lot of the time in tears, nobody had noticed anything because 'Susanne copes'
I started to see a counsellor, who after just 6 sessions, told me I was fine and she didn't want to see my again, great help!
I started to self harm, it was my way of dealing with the pain and guilt that was ripping me apart, again thoughts of my dad rescueing me came back into my head.
I left home at 17, and sunk back into my depression, I was given tablets, which my ex partner threw down the toilet, once again, that mask came over me, and 'I coped' because that's what I did.
I fell pregnant with Thea at just 18, and everything revolved around my baby, but when my relationship broke down when she was 3 weeks old, I felt like I had let her down, I never had a dad, now neither did my baby. I began to feel that I was a useless mum, and that she deserved better. My health visitor, said I was been stupid, so I carried on.
I didn't talk to anyone about it, and carried on. When my relationship with Thea's father finally broke down permanently in October 2003, I was finally ready for help, I knew I couldn't go on anymore. We ended up living in a homeless hostel, and I reached out to social services and asked, pleaded for help. They said I was a perfectly good mum and needed no further support, I felt they had let me down again, but not only that, they had let my daughter down.
I met my partner, Alan, in Jan 2004, an at last my life was on the up. We fell in love and I fell pregnant in December, in February this year, my depression set in again. Only now, I was pregnant and still trying to deal with the PNI that had been living over me for 2 years.
Well, I did it, with a lot of help and support from Alan, I did it. At 00:43pm on 1st September, I pushed our daughter, Georgina, into the world, with Alan by my side and I couldn't be happier.
I may have faced a lot, but I have got through it, I don't expect it to always be easy, that's why I live for the little things, I pay them attention, so when things do get me down, I have them and my children to pick me up.
I'm sorry this is so long, I got a bit carried away!
My mum and dad split up when I was 3 years old, he left and had access every saturday, until one saturday, he didn't turn up (for reasons I later found out) and he didn't turn up the next saturday or the next, or the next. My dad had gone from my life, been 3 years old, I carried on. My mum remarried in 1989, and life carried on, my sister was born in 1990, and still life carried on. My step dad was very strict and scary, and we didn't get on very well at all, my Grandma became my tower of strength. In 1996, my mum and step dad divorced, I began starving myself in a bid to create more food for my little sister, she was, and still is my world. When starving myself didn't work, I started making myself sick, this went on for many months, until one of my friends dragged me to the school nurse, she told my mum and things got even harder at home. I didn't get on with my mum, things were very strained and I felt very alone. I began to wish my dad was around, I began to dream about him flying through my window and taking me to a magical place where nothing was ever wrong, and everything was perfect.
In 1997, my mums boyfriend moved in, they had been childhood sweethearts, and once again my life carried on. Until one night, when I was upset. My mum had gone up to bed, leaving me and her boyfriend downstairs, I was crying because I had just split up with my boyfriend and been 12 years old, I thought the sky was caving in and I'd never be able to love again. That night began the nightmare that became my life, my mums boyfriend pinned me to a chair and kissed me. I panicked and ran upstairs, crying and shaking. From that night, I tried to avoid him, I didn't tell anyone what was happening. After so much, I thought my mum deserved to be happy, and she seemed so happy, as did my sister. I did anything to avoid been left alone with him, but despite my best efforts, he carried on trying to touch me, and made me think it was my fault.
For 2 years, he made my life a living hell. And still, I didn't tell anyone, my mum and sister were happy, that was what mattered, I meant nothing.
It all came to a head when he'd been making me walk around in my gym skirt for him when my mum was out, and I couldn't bare to be looked at, so I wrote a note saying I didn't have to do PE and signed it from my mum. The school found out. I confessed everything and was taken to the school social worker. She called social services who asked me to go home and sort it out. My reply was 'make me go home and I will kill myself'
Unfortunately, my mum didn't believe me, and kicked me out, once again, my tower of strength, my Grandma looked after me. I gave a statement, stating all the things that had happened in two years, he was never charged because he never raped me, so they couldn't do anything. He denied anything happened. I continued to live with my Grandma, and everyone thought I was ok. I had been through a lot in 14 years and everyone assumed I could cope, but inside I was falling apart. I felt dirty, I felt guilty, I hated myself.
Eventually, him and my mum split up, for reasons I don't know, but she never believed me, and that didn't help build our already fragile realtionship. I moved back home, things got back to 'normal' until I cracked. I stopped doing my school work, and spent a lot of the time in tears, nobody had noticed anything because 'Susanne copes'
I started to see a counsellor, who after just 6 sessions, told me I was fine and she didn't want to see my again, great help!
I started to self harm, it was my way of dealing with the pain and guilt that was ripping me apart, again thoughts of my dad rescueing me came back into my head.
I left home at 17, and sunk back into my depression, I was given tablets, which my ex partner threw down the toilet, once again, that mask came over me, and 'I coped' because that's what I did.
I fell pregnant with Thea at just 18, and everything revolved around my baby, but when my relationship broke down when she was 3 weeks old, I felt like I had let her down, I never had a dad, now neither did my baby. I began to feel that I was a useless mum, and that she deserved better. My health visitor, said I was been stupid, so I carried on.
I didn't talk to anyone about it, and carried on. When my relationship with Thea's father finally broke down permanently in October 2003, I was finally ready for help, I knew I couldn't go on anymore. We ended up living in a homeless hostel, and I reached out to social services and asked, pleaded for help. They said I was a perfectly good mum and needed no further support, I felt they had let me down again, but not only that, they had let my daughter down.
I met my partner, Alan, in Jan 2004, an at last my life was on the up. We fell in love and I fell pregnant in December, in February this year, my depression set in again. Only now, I was pregnant and still trying to deal with the PNI that had been living over me for 2 years.
Well, I did it, with a lot of help and support from Alan, I did it. At 00:43pm on 1st September, I pushed our daughter, Georgina, into the world, with Alan by my side and I couldn't be happier.
I may have faced a lot, but I have got through it, I don't expect it to always be easy, that's why I live for the little things, I pay them attention, so when things do get me down, I have them and my children to pick me up.
I'm sorry this is so long, I got a bit carried away!
