Post by sifreynir on Sept 13, 2006 8:47:57 GMT
...not just some git with a torch! 
The following may contain what some people may deem to be offensive language, apologies in advance. It is also very long and is written here as much for anyone currently facing the pits that is PND as it is a purging of the last few years for me.
I grew up, without my mum present but in a very caring and loving home, at one point during my teenage years was also subject to a beating from my boyfriend, which at the time I was more than able to deal with and left.
I met and fell in love with a young guy. After a couple of years together we fell pregnant. A huge shock to both of us and for me having to face a decision I said I would make years ago - that is if I didn't feel ready or capable of looking after a child I would abort. 'Something' changed my mind and I decided at the very last minute to go ahead with the pregnancy, much to my partners joy.
Unfortunatley by some cruel twist of fate this child wasn't meant to be and I miscarried at 10 weeks. I was absolutely devasted and it completely, totally and utterly destroyed me.
By this point my mother was back in my life and was very supportive tho as I found out later she harboured her own concerns for me as I seemed to be repeating her history.
I turned as I always did and even more so now, inwards. Wanted to deal with things on my own and shut my partner out, but the longing for a baby was overwhelming and I became pregnant again within weeks.
We were quite young looking back, I was only 19 and he was 20. we had just bought a house and were struggling financially anyway. That year brought every possible trial and tribulation life could have possibly thrown at a couple, family, friends, work, money all went wrong that year. I was constantly afraid I was going to 'kill' this baby too. Every twinge, every pain, every slightest thing not normal I panicked. As a result I had alot of admittences to hospital, wasn't able to trust my instincts...why should I they failed me before. Took all the anti-bitotics the doctors pescribed for a non symptomatic UTi, despite in the back of my mind thinking they weren't necessary.
I went two weeks over my due dates and at my 42 week consultation (a monday) was found to have pre-eclampsia. I knew what it meant had already had the discussion with my mum over her episode of it and the resultant stillbirth from it. I was induced the following morning (tuesday). It took three lots of gel if I remember correctly...and from thsi point on things do get a bit foggy for me.
I was finally taken down to the labour ward at 8am on teh Wednesday morning.
Then started a 12 hour battle to get baby out with constant harrasment from medical staff over epidurals, me giving in to their demands for me to have pethidine - which I didn't want or need, which stopped my labour. Then requiring a drip to get going again, more harrasment over epidurals. It is a shame that my only clear memory of that time was being harrassed.
My son was finally born - seconds off being wheeled down for an emergency c section - at 7.38pm the wednesday night. I remember the cord was pale, the placenta in pieces and they STILL wanted me to have an epidural.
Again...I had to fight for general anesthetic...after twelve hours of labour they still wouldn't let up!
I was complteely exhausted, don't remember much about my sons first few precious hours earthside.
I woke up to a dark maternity ward to my son crying, fought through the wires and oxygen mask to ring the midwife to come and get them to change his nappy and was then told off for trying to get up....HELLO...where were you?
Breastfeeding was a complete disaster, they had obviously given him a bottle whilst I was unconcious. I found out two days later I had stitches...initially I thought this was down to tearing but I found out only a couple of weeks ago this was actually down to an episiotomy! 8 years on and I still don't know exact details of my sons birth!
My son was born November. Those weeks are a complete blur to me, I can remember only small things and my son isn't one of them. It was January before my partner realised something was wrong and I was diagnosed with PND. Pescribed pills and referred for counselling. The pills made me feel worse, so I binned them...waited for counselling. Went back to work, tried to be 'normal'.
The counselling only had two sessions because we decided to move to try and improve our financial situation. This backfired badly. My mother and sister thought I was just being lazy and pathetic. Couldn't understand despite me telling them i had PND why I was the way I was. This crushed me again and cracks in my relationship were getting wider.
We ended up homeless, and back in our hometown. I held on to the remaining strings of my sanity for long enough to get us into accomodation and benefits sorted and then collapsed in a emotional and physical heap.
Thankfully the accomodation was supported and they got in a CPN who got me onto prozac and finally started me on the road to recovery. By the millenium I felt almost human again! The relationship I had with my son....can't remember. He was there and I tried what I could to help him. By this point my partner was on the point of collapse too but refused to take medication or get counselling..so not only did I feel guilty for not being the mother I should be, but I also felt horrible for what I put him through.
We were rehoused in a nice little semi in the new year. It was great, a new start, sure things were difficult but we would manage. I started getting myself together, found new friends with babies, we spent lots of time helping each other it was great.
Then the final crack came in my relationship and I decided I was far better off on my own. Everyone was concerned for my mental health...I wasn't. I came off my medication dead being that all extra support had gone and no one told me of a possible re-lapse.
I found during my weekends off from being a single mum the internet. Fell (stupidly I now realise) in love with a guy I met in a chat room. WIthout going into too many details, he was abusive, I should have seen it coming but looking back now the re-lapse from the anti-depressants had started and I was soon pregnant with his child....no way out!
My daughters birth wasn't so traumatic, but life in general was a constant struggle. My abuser played on my insecurities from my PND and had me right where he wanted me. I couldn't even see that was he was doing was abusive. I was diagnosed yet again with PND, but it either never went away or I was simply depressed purely because of what I was living with. But the medication helped and so did the extra support from my health visitor and doctor - who were fantastic!
Old friends disappeared, family were far away. It was just useless old me. Someone turned a light on. Even now I don't know where the realisation came from, but my old friend the internet turned up information on the abuse I was being subjected to. Once it dawned on me what was happening I knew I could not stay with him. Even then i felt guilty for taking the children away from him
I found a way out, got a place in a refuge and ran. Not too far just back to my home town to recover. By this point I was already pregnant again....facing the possibility of having another child to tie me to 'him', being a single mum to three kids with the huge possibility of the PND returning was not an option. I had to protect the children I had, had to be all I could be for their sakes, we had nothing. So I made the horrible decision to end my babies life and had an abortion.
I hope my baby forgives me for the choice I made
The realisation came day by day that in fact my abuser was not a perfect dad and that my children seemed so much happier with him away. He still plagued us tho. Tracked us down to the safe house we were put in so I had to do something.
I took the drastic decision to move 250 miles away from him and everything and everyone I knew. I could not face living with him that close to us, a constant trickle of abuse I was not about to subject us to.
So I got another refuge place organised...and we left.
Now? I have not heard from my abuser in nearly two years. My children are able to be children, they are happy at last. The post natal depression I suffered is GONE, I am more happy now than I have ever been in my entire existence and am now expecting my third child with a wonderful caring man, who is more of a father to my two children than they have ever known.
At this point I have done alot of soul searching, analysing my experiences to death. My relationship with my son is far from perfect. We have bad days but the good days are fantastic days and I finally see love in his eyes for me rather than confusion. My kids are good kids and I am told this is because I am a good mum....remnants from the PND mean I find that very difficult to believe...but I am coping better with compliments now lol
Baby is due in 21 days. I am quietly optimistic that the PND won't return ...but if it does you can be sure I will be ready to kick its arse back to where it came from.
And if you have managed to read through that lil saga....if I can beat PND after all that, then anyone can!
The following may contain what some people may deem to be offensive language, apologies in advance. It is also very long and is written here as much for anyone currently facing the pits that is PND as it is a purging of the last few years for me.
I grew up, without my mum present but in a very caring and loving home, at one point during my teenage years was also subject to a beating from my boyfriend, which at the time I was more than able to deal with and left.
I met and fell in love with a young guy. After a couple of years together we fell pregnant. A huge shock to both of us and for me having to face a decision I said I would make years ago - that is if I didn't feel ready or capable of looking after a child I would abort. 'Something' changed my mind and I decided at the very last minute to go ahead with the pregnancy, much to my partners joy.
Unfortunatley by some cruel twist of fate this child wasn't meant to be and I miscarried at 10 weeks. I was absolutely devasted and it completely, totally and utterly destroyed me.
By this point my mother was back in my life and was very supportive tho as I found out later she harboured her own concerns for me as I seemed to be repeating her history.
I turned as I always did and even more so now, inwards. Wanted to deal with things on my own and shut my partner out, but the longing for a baby was overwhelming and I became pregnant again within weeks.
We were quite young looking back, I was only 19 and he was 20. we had just bought a house and were struggling financially anyway. That year brought every possible trial and tribulation life could have possibly thrown at a couple, family, friends, work, money all went wrong that year. I was constantly afraid I was going to 'kill' this baby too. Every twinge, every pain, every slightest thing not normal I panicked. As a result I had alot of admittences to hospital, wasn't able to trust my instincts...why should I they failed me before. Took all the anti-bitotics the doctors pescribed for a non symptomatic UTi, despite in the back of my mind thinking they weren't necessary.
I went two weeks over my due dates and at my 42 week consultation (a monday) was found to have pre-eclampsia. I knew what it meant had already had the discussion with my mum over her episode of it and the resultant stillbirth from it. I was induced the following morning (tuesday). It took three lots of gel if I remember correctly...and from thsi point on things do get a bit foggy for me.
I was finally taken down to the labour ward at 8am on teh Wednesday morning.
Then started a 12 hour battle to get baby out with constant harrasment from medical staff over epidurals, me giving in to their demands for me to have pethidine - which I didn't want or need, which stopped my labour. Then requiring a drip to get going again, more harrasment over epidurals. It is a shame that my only clear memory of that time was being harrassed.
My son was finally born - seconds off being wheeled down for an emergency c section - at 7.38pm the wednesday night. I remember the cord was pale, the placenta in pieces and they STILL wanted me to have an epidural.
Again...I had to fight for general anesthetic...after twelve hours of labour they still wouldn't let up!
I was complteely exhausted, don't remember much about my sons first few precious hours earthside.
I woke up to a dark maternity ward to my son crying, fought through the wires and oxygen mask to ring the midwife to come and get them to change his nappy and was then told off for trying to get up....HELLO...where were you?
Breastfeeding was a complete disaster, they had obviously given him a bottle whilst I was unconcious. I found out two days later I had stitches...initially I thought this was down to tearing but I found out only a couple of weeks ago this was actually down to an episiotomy! 8 years on and I still don't know exact details of my sons birth!
My son was born November. Those weeks are a complete blur to me, I can remember only small things and my son isn't one of them. It was January before my partner realised something was wrong and I was diagnosed with PND. Pescribed pills and referred for counselling. The pills made me feel worse, so I binned them...waited for counselling. Went back to work, tried to be 'normal'.
The counselling only had two sessions because we decided to move to try and improve our financial situation. This backfired badly. My mother and sister thought I was just being lazy and pathetic. Couldn't understand despite me telling them i had PND why I was the way I was. This crushed me again and cracks in my relationship were getting wider.
We ended up homeless, and back in our hometown. I held on to the remaining strings of my sanity for long enough to get us into accomodation and benefits sorted and then collapsed in a emotional and physical heap.
Thankfully the accomodation was supported and they got in a CPN who got me onto prozac and finally started me on the road to recovery. By the millenium I felt almost human again! The relationship I had with my son....can't remember. He was there and I tried what I could to help him. By this point my partner was on the point of collapse too but refused to take medication or get counselling..so not only did I feel guilty for not being the mother I should be, but I also felt horrible for what I put him through.
We were rehoused in a nice little semi in the new year. It was great, a new start, sure things were difficult but we would manage. I started getting myself together, found new friends with babies, we spent lots of time helping each other it was great.
Then the final crack came in my relationship and I decided I was far better off on my own. Everyone was concerned for my mental health...I wasn't. I came off my medication dead being that all extra support had gone and no one told me of a possible re-lapse.
I found during my weekends off from being a single mum the internet. Fell (stupidly I now realise) in love with a guy I met in a chat room. WIthout going into too many details, he was abusive, I should have seen it coming but looking back now the re-lapse from the anti-depressants had started and I was soon pregnant with his child....no way out!
My daughters birth wasn't so traumatic, but life in general was a constant struggle. My abuser played on my insecurities from my PND and had me right where he wanted me. I couldn't even see that was he was doing was abusive. I was diagnosed yet again with PND, but it either never went away or I was simply depressed purely because of what I was living with. But the medication helped and so did the extra support from my health visitor and doctor - who were fantastic!
Old friends disappeared, family were far away. It was just useless old me. Someone turned a light on. Even now I don't know where the realisation came from, but my old friend the internet turned up information on the abuse I was being subjected to. Once it dawned on me what was happening I knew I could not stay with him. Even then i felt guilty for taking the children away from him
I found a way out, got a place in a refuge and ran. Not too far just back to my home town to recover. By this point I was already pregnant again....facing the possibility of having another child to tie me to 'him', being a single mum to three kids with the huge possibility of the PND returning was not an option. I had to protect the children I had, had to be all I could be for their sakes, we had nothing. So I made the horrible decision to end my babies life and had an abortion.
I hope my baby forgives me for the choice I made
The realisation came day by day that in fact my abuser was not a perfect dad and that my children seemed so much happier with him away. He still plagued us tho. Tracked us down to the safe house we were put in so I had to do something.
I took the drastic decision to move 250 miles away from him and everything and everyone I knew. I could not face living with him that close to us, a constant trickle of abuse I was not about to subject us to.
So I got another refuge place organised...and we left.
Now? I have not heard from my abuser in nearly two years. My children are able to be children, they are happy at last. The post natal depression I suffered is GONE, I am more happy now than I have ever been in my entire existence and am now expecting my third child with a wonderful caring man, who is more of a father to my two children than they have ever known.
At this point I have done alot of soul searching, analysing my experiences to death. My relationship with my son is far from perfect. We have bad days but the good days are fantastic days and I finally see love in his eyes for me rather than confusion. My kids are good kids and I am told this is because I am a good mum....remnants from the PND mean I find that very difficult to believe...but I am coping better with compliments now lol
Baby is due in 21 days. I am quietly optimistic that the PND won't return ...but if it does you can be sure I will be ready to kick its arse back to where it came from.
And if you have managed to read through that lil saga....if I can beat PND after all that, then anyone can!
