Do you ever fully recover?

[amy1]

Hi, I'm new. I had PND with my daughter who is nearly 8. It started as soon as she was born and was spotted quickly. I took prozac and felt able to cope but in reality the PND hung around for maybe 2 years. I had my son when she was 3.
I didnt bond with her but did with him. I adore him and I always feel like there is some distance between me and her.
Life is ok now but I feel like I will never really be able to let it all go. My friend has just had her first baby and is so blissed out. I love her but am so jealous of her happiness. I never experienced any of that. I am desperate to have another baby purely to do it all again "correctly", silly I know. I so want to have a tiny baby and feel all those things I didnt feel. Hubby is dead against it and whos to say I wouldnt get PND again (went on prozac as soon as son was born as a prevention).
I feel like I cant move my life on, like I cant forget it, constantly remember it all. I'm finding it really hard with my friends baby. We are going to see them at the weekend and I am scared I will break down when I hold the baby.
Any advice?
Thanks
AnneMarie

[cheshire]

Hi Anne Marie

Welcome to the site.

I'm sorry to hear you have suffered with this awful illness - but glad it was spotted quickly.

In my experience, and from what I have read on this site - it can take time to fully get over this illness - but it will get better/ thinsg will continue to improve.

I hope you feel you can post/ chat here anytime as we have all been through this and hopefully can offer you some supportxx

Hopefulxx

[caterina]

Hi Amy
Yes you will fully recover, I say this with confidence because I am now fully recovered from PNI.
It sounds like you hadn't had a chance to recover in between your children which must be so hard. It takes time hun but you will get there.
Your friend is not suffering from PNI so please don't compare yourself..be happy for her but she is not you, she is not feeling what you were feeling when you had your babies.
I understand what you mean about doing it 'correctly' as I too feel I missed out on large parts of that 1st year. You did the best you could with the hand you were dealt. Your kids won't remember that you were ill so don't feel bad.
Hope this helps xx

[shelley]

Hi Amy, I so identify with wanting to do it correctly and have a second chance. There are so many things that are fuzzy to me when I think back. I held a friends 5 day old baby last week and I though, "I can't remember my baby being like this? Was she really this small?" And then of course I feel the guilt that is like an avalanche that just never ends... I am inclined to think that for me I'll never really recover. I mean emotionally anyway... Physically the symptoms go, yes, but I still feel sad when I think about what I went through and regret and guilt. I know it's not my fault but it's still something that right now I feel I won't get over. Maybe in a couple of years though. I haven't given up hope completely. My daughter turns 3 in March and her little smile makes me so grateful that it didn't affect her.