Post by Tracy on Mar 21, 2006 20:07:35 GMT
HI i'm new to this board but have been suffering from PTSD and PNI for over 10 months now. I posted on the 'introduce youself board recently.
I feel that THE biggest factor contributing towards my problems now is the way in which i was treated by healthcare professionals throughout my pregnancy and birth. It really is a long story so i'm sorry if you give up half way through!
My pregnancy was pretty complicated firstly I have PCOS and my fertility was questioned, however I became pregnant by accident! I suffered 2 threatened miscarriages, which went from week 5 to week 12. I then developed gestational diabetes and had to follow a strict diet and test my blood sugars 6 times daily which I hated. When I first found out about the diabetes I was told by the consultant that my baby could drown in sugar and he told me how many women with diabetes had turned up for antinatal appointments and they were not able to find the baby's heartbeat as it had died in the womb. This left me feeling devastated that my own body was failing to look after my unborn baby and left me with awful images of the water inside me filling with sugar and killing my baby. Anyway all seemed to be going well and when I asked how the diabetes would affect the birth I was told that I would be induced at 40 weeks if I hadn't started naturally by then but would be induced earlier if any problems arose. It came to my 38 week check up and I was told that I would be booked in for induction on the following Sunday, 1 week before my due date. I was told that this was due to the risk of stillbirth in diabetic pregnancies even though everything looked fine with my baby and I was being monitored closely. However I went with their decision as I thought they must know what’s best. SO I went home dreading the Sunday that I would be induced, as I wanted to avoid induction after reading that it can cause a more painful labour. Anyway on the Friday before I had a phone call to say that my Nan was ill. I had lived with her all my life until leaving
home at 23. She died that night and I screamed and screamed and felt that every bit of strength left my body. I then spent the rest of the night on a monitor at the hospital as the shock triggered a false labour and I had a few pains. Things settled after a while and I was sent home at about 5 in the morning and told to go back the next day for monitoring again. Anyway I went in on the Sunday pm and was induced by prostin pessary at 6pm. I had mild pains straight away but was told that these were prostin pains and didn't count. As I was on the main mat ward my husband had to leave at 8pm. I was left in a strange place on my own grieving for someone so dear to me and also terrified of what I had to come. I slept for about 3 hours that night because of the pains. The next day I was examined at 11am and told that I was 2cm dilated and was induced again. This time I had what I would describe as a very
painful period pain but it was copeable. I began to pace the ward counting the minutes until my husband would be let in at 1pm. I was then put on the monitor and ended up being on it for the whole afternoon as the baby's heartbeat kept dropping. During this time I was in quite a lot of pain and not being able to move made things worse. Also as I was on a full public ward I felt embarrassed to let my husband give me a massage to help ease the pain and felt that everyone was starring at me as all of the other women on the ward had their babies and also it was visiting time so there was a complete lack of privacy. However no one seemed to listen when I told them how much pain I was in, I was told by a student midwife that I was experiencing niggles not pain! Then the consultant came in to asses me as the baby was beginning to show some signs of distress. She must of been due to finish her shift as she looked very annoyed at being called out slammed her handbag down on the floor and examined me in a cubicle full of midwives and student midwives. She then told me that I was not dilated at all and she could not even feel the cervix. I was then sent to labour ward for more monitoring. By this time I was in agony and I overheard the doctor telling the midwife that I was expecting something for nothing. When the monitor showed that the baby was ok I was sent back to the mat ward despite the midwife asking the doctor to examine me he just said nothing would have changed in the last hour and half. I went to have a bath as I was beginning to feel that I could no longer stand the pain but was scared to say anything as I felt so stupid and weak. This was 7.30pm and my husband would be thrown out at 8pm and I knew I would be left to deal with this on my own. Luckily at 7.50 my waters broke and I was taken down to delivery. I was then holding my baby at 8.58. Many of you are probably wishing that you could have had such a quick delivery but as it has now been explained to me I still experienced a full first labour but it was condensed into about 1 and a half hours and was extremely intense and constant, plus made more painful anyway by the induction. I was unable to have any pain relief other than gas and air, as it was too late by the time I got to delivery. I felt a complete loss of control, i didn't feel listened to, i felt so alone as the midwives were across the other side of the delivery room until i delivered, i just remember hearing them telling me to breath properly. By this time i was in so much pain, having constant contractions that i'm supprised i managed to breath at all! I was left in so much pain that i didn't know how or even if i would survive another second of it. I felt so trapped, like i couldn't stop what was happening, but could do nothing about it, as no one else could, or even seemed interested in. It was like well you have to cope with it and thats that.I no now that the pains that I was experiencing earlier were prostin pains but these are as painful as contractions as they are designed to contract the womb to make the baby’s head put pressure on the cervix, but these pains were not recognised by the midwives as they were not 'real' contractions. I am now haunted by my experience every day having flashbacks and constant memories. I can't go out alone or stay in the house on my own without having panic attacks. I can't look at pregnant women without feeling sick and my sister in law has recently given birth which was awful for me at the time, stirring everything up and I felt so angry and resentful towards her, wishing that something awful would happen to stop her feeling happy then I feel so horrid for thinking such things. I couldn't have anything to do with her throughout the pregnancy until after she had the baby. When i heard she was in labour it was one of the hardest days of my life, i felt that i would explode with anxiety.
I feel such a great sense of loss at the moment both for my Nan and also for the experience of birth that I expected and never had. I feel that everything goes so well for some people and others like me get what they want in the end but have to go through hell to get it. It makes me feel so selfish saying that because I’m sure that some people reading this have been through more than me and some people aren't lucky enough to have children at all. I just feel so sad that I’ll never have that chance again for the birth of my first baby to be happy as I expected and I’ve been told that even any future pregnancy's are likely to be complicated as I have a really high risk of getting diabetes again and face the decision of being induced at the latest at 39 weeks again with the risk that my body will react in the same way to the induction and history repeating itself, or having a planned section. All I want is a normal natural birth and its so difficult at the moment as I feel that I am almost grieving for the pregnancy and birth I never had while grieving for my Nan and also coming to terms with the fact that I will probably never experience something that since I was very young hoped and expected to experience.
I have only recently felt that i am being heard where healthcare professionals are concerned. I went to see a psychiatrist 2 months ago and was told that i was not suffering from PTSD that this was an illness, but that i am depressed and have developed a negative way of thinking and to go back to work in three weeks and see him again in three months! I came out of the hospital and tried to kill myself by walking in front of a car. I just felt so misunderstood and again let down by the people who are supposed to be the experts.
Luckily i finally got refered to the right doctor who recognised my symptoms as PTSD and PNI and who really seemed to understand. She refered me to a psychologist who i am now seeing weekly and although i have only just started to see her, most days i can now believe that i will get better.
Anyway sorry again for it being so long but i hope that it can help in some way.
Tracy.x
I feel that THE biggest factor contributing towards my problems now is the way in which i was treated by healthcare professionals throughout my pregnancy and birth. It really is a long story so i'm sorry if you give up half way through!
My pregnancy was pretty complicated firstly I have PCOS and my fertility was questioned, however I became pregnant by accident! I suffered 2 threatened miscarriages, which went from week 5 to week 12. I then developed gestational diabetes and had to follow a strict diet and test my blood sugars 6 times daily which I hated. When I first found out about the diabetes I was told by the consultant that my baby could drown in sugar and he told me how many women with diabetes had turned up for antinatal appointments and they were not able to find the baby's heartbeat as it had died in the womb. This left me feeling devastated that my own body was failing to look after my unborn baby and left me with awful images of the water inside me filling with sugar and killing my baby. Anyway all seemed to be going well and when I asked how the diabetes would affect the birth I was told that I would be induced at 40 weeks if I hadn't started naturally by then but would be induced earlier if any problems arose. It came to my 38 week check up and I was told that I would be booked in for induction on the following Sunday, 1 week before my due date. I was told that this was due to the risk of stillbirth in diabetic pregnancies even though everything looked fine with my baby and I was being monitored closely. However I went with their decision as I thought they must know what’s best. SO I went home dreading the Sunday that I would be induced, as I wanted to avoid induction after reading that it can cause a more painful labour. Anyway on the Friday before I had a phone call to say that my Nan was ill. I had lived with her all my life until leaving
home at 23. She died that night and I screamed and screamed and felt that every bit of strength left my body. I then spent the rest of the night on a monitor at the hospital as the shock triggered a false labour and I had a few pains. Things settled after a while and I was sent home at about 5 in the morning and told to go back the next day for monitoring again. Anyway I went in on the Sunday pm and was induced by prostin pessary at 6pm. I had mild pains straight away but was told that these were prostin pains and didn't count. As I was on the main mat ward my husband had to leave at 8pm. I was left in a strange place on my own grieving for someone so dear to me and also terrified of what I had to come. I slept for about 3 hours that night because of the pains. The next day I was examined at 11am and told that I was 2cm dilated and was induced again. This time I had what I would describe as a very
painful period pain but it was copeable. I began to pace the ward counting the minutes until my husband would be let in at 1pm. I was then put on the monitor and ended up being on it for the whole afternoon as the baby's heartbeat kept dropping. During this time I was in quite a lot of pain and not being able to move made things worse. Also as I was on a full public ward I felt embarrassed to let my husband give me a massage to help ease the pain and felt that everyone was starring at me as all of the other women on the ward had their babies and also it was visiting time so there was a complete lack of privacy. However no one seemed to listen when I told them how much pain I was in, I was told by a student midwife that I was experiencing niggles not pain! Then the consultant came in to asses me as the baby was beginning to show some signs of distress. She must of been due to finish her shift as she looked very annoyed at being called out slammed her handbag down on the floor and examined me in a cubicle full of midwives and student midwives. She then told me that I was not dilated at all and she could not even feel the cervix. I was then sent to labour ward for more monitoring. By this time I was in agony and I overheard the doctor telling the midwife that I was expecting something for nothing. When the monitor showed that the baby was ok I was sent back to the mat ward despite the midwife asking the doctor to examine me he just said nothing would have changed in the last hour and half. I went to have a bath as I was beginning to feel that I could no longer stand the pain but was scared to say anything as I felt so stupid and weak. This was 7.30pm and my husband would be thrown out at 8pm and I knew I would be left to deal with this on my own. Luckily at 7.50 my waters broke and I was taken down to delivery. I was then holding my baby at 8.58. Many of you are probably wishing that you could have had such a quick delivery but as it has now been explained to me I still experienced a full first labour but it was condensed into about 1 and a half hours and was extremely intense and constant, plus made more painful anyway by the induction. I was unable to have any pain relief other than gas and air, as it was too late by the time I got to delivery. I felt a complete loss of control, i didn't feel listened to, i felt so alone as the midwives were across the other side of the delivery room until i delivered, i just remember hearing them telling me to breath properly. By this time i was in so much pain, having constant contractions that i'm supprised i managed to breath at all! I was left in so much pain that i didn't know how or even if i would survive another second of it. I felt so trapped, like i couldn't stop what was happening, but could do nothing about it, as no one else could, or even seemed interested in. It was like well you have to cope with it and thats that.I no now that the pains that I was experiencing earlier were prostin pains but these are as painful as contractions as they are designed to contract the womb to make the baby’s head put pressure on the cervix, but these pains were not recognised by the midwives as they were not 'real' contractions. I am now haunted by my experience every day having flashbacks and constant memories. I can't go out alone or stay in the house on my own without having panic attacks. I can't look at pregnant women without feeling sick and my sister in law has recently given birth which was awful for me at the time, stirring everything up and I felt so angry and resentful towards her, wishing that something awful would happen to stop her feeling happy then I feel so horrid for thinking such things. I couldn't have anything to do with her throughout the pregnancy until after she had the baby. When i heard she was in labour it was one of the hardest days of my life, i felt that i would explode with anxiety.
I feel such a great sense of loss at the moment both for my Nan and also for the experience of birth that I expected and never had. I feel that everything goes so well for some people and others like me get what they want in the end but have to go through hell to get it. It makes me feel so selfish saying that because I’m sure that some people reading this have been through more than me and some people aren't lucky enough to have children at all. I just feel so sad that I’ll never have that chance again for the birth of my first baby to be happy as I expected and I’ve been told that even any future pregnancy's are likely to be complicated as I have a really high risk of getting diabetes again and face the decision of being induced at the latest at 39 weeks again with the risk that my body will react in the same way to the induction and history repeating itself, or having a planned section. All I want is a normal natural birth and its so difficult at the moment as I feel that I am almost grieving for the pregnancy and birth I never had while grieving for my Nan and also coming to terms with the fact that I will probably never experience something that since I was very young hoped and expected to experience.
I have only recently felt that i am being heard where healthcare professionals are concerned. I went to see a psychiatrist 2 months ago and was told that i was not suffering from PTSD that this was an illness, but that i am depressed and have developed a negative way of thinking and to go back to work in three weeks and see him again in three months! I came out of the hospital and tried to kill myself by walking in front of a car. I just felt so misunderstood and again let down by the people who are supposed to be the experts.
Luckily i finally got refered to the right doctor who recognised my symptoms as PTSD and PNI and who really seemed to understand. She refered me to a psychologist who i am now seeing weekly and although i have only just started to see her, most days i can now believe that i will get better.
Anyway sorry again for it being so long but i hope that it can help in some way.
Tracy.x