Dear Charlotte
Oh dear I am so sorry that things continue to be distressing for you - it does seem to me that your partner is going ut and doing exactly what is bound to make you angry and he must be aware of this.
However relationships are very complex and I would like to ask you - what does your husband do when you physically hurt him like today when you scratched him and drew blood?
I gather from what you said that like my husband, when I went for him when I had PNI - he does not retaliate physically?I have to add that I only did this twice to Barry and not with force, I was still really upset I had done it at all and because he was so passive and did not retaliate I really admired him for this – so I never did it again. But I have heard form many women who have attacked their partners regularly all through their PNI – it is not uncommon
But while many men would never dream of hitting back when attacked by a woman it can still leave feelings that they are somehow less of a man
(although obviously a man who does not hit back is more of a man than one who does)
But to do this when you are physically attacked is hard for anyone and could lead him to have a need to re - assert himself in any way he can.
Mine did it by going down the pub a lot and becoming distant and withdrawing his affection - have you considered that your partner may be doing this and going out when he knows this is the opposite from what you want him to do and dancing with other women etc - because this is the only way he can assert himself?
- as for him not loving you 'enuf' it is hard to love someone when they are physically angry towards you - it seems to me that unless he is truly completely living a lie, seeing other women and enjoying the situation he is showing his love simply by the fact he is still around? But on the other hand he could ber living that lie and this leading you to be very angry - you really need to know what it is.
Have you thought that if all he did was actually dance with a women - while it would have been better if he had not gone out at all - but really dancing with someone if this is all it is, is not a really terrible thing - he could have done worse!
Anyway whatever is happening between you - it obviously can not go on like this - you are very distressed and it is my guess that inside - so is he and as you said it is not good for your lovely little boy, who you both obviously love.
You can get through this - you just need a little help and time.
You said that 'i am really scared because half of me wants to tell him to p**s off & the other wants to say please love me'
Why do you not say to him 'say please love me' - please give me more attention, this is what I want and this is why I am so angry?
You may already have asked him this but if not - what have you to lose? you obviously love him, but if all he gets from you is anger, sometimes physical attacks - and you have never said to him that all you want is him to love and care for you - he really may not know.
I am sorry I sound a bit like and agony aunt here - and I have no right to advice so please ignore all the above if it is not helpful , just disregard what I have said.
However, you have not answered my questions about yourself?
1. Have you been diagnosed with PNI or have you come to this conclusion on your own?
2. Do you have any other symptoms common with PNI - look on the main site here for a list of common symptoms – go to www.pni.org.uk/ and scroll down to the list Feeling anger even to the point of violence is something some women with PNI suffer – but you would have other symptoms as well. Do you have other symptoms or does everything come down to your feeling that your partner is being unfaithful??
If you don’t have other symptoms associated with PNI then you could be absolutely right with your gut feeling and your partner is playing away from home and you are getting very angry because you sense this but he is not telling you the truth even though you confront him – if this is so then you are blaming yourself and consequently getting very angry.
If this were the case then of course you would feel very angry and frustrated – but if is why would he stay to be attacked physically by you because of this anger??
I need to have the answer to the questions above to try and help you make some sense of your situation??
I really do think that if you have not gone to your GP this should be your next step - they do have other things than medication to offer now and it would be helpful to have a diagnosis.
I was a bit concerned about you saying
'i am so scared to go on the tablets as i have done some research & many people have felt worse, knowing me i will feel 10 times worse or something!!!! '
Both myself and Wendy chose not to take medication - but I do not know of any research or data that points to women with PNI who take medication feeling worse!!!
There has been some recent concerns over serotax ( few women with PNI are prescribed this ) if taken by children and young people and some of the older medication was addictive.
But on the whole the benefits of medication for women with PNI outweigh the disadvantages.
In fact everything I have learnt from supporting women with PNI and from listening to women with PNI on this site does point to medication for PNI being helpful in the main.
( I am hoping her that women who have taken medication who have used this forum – might comment here and say how taking it was for them)
The majority of women on this site do take medication usually SSRIs such as Prozac, paroxetine, citalopram etc and some older tricylic ant- Ds and while few would say they are the cure in themselves that do really help most women to regulate their moods and get them through the symptoms of PNI.
I had very specific reasons my self for not taking medication and my PNI was many years ago so some of the newer drugs were not available then - but knowing what I do now I would probably take them rather than suffer what I did!
Have you been offered medication and refused it - or have you been too scared to go to the GP and talk this through?
Anyway :
I am sure that what I have said has not been very helpful as I sense the crux of the matter for you before you can start to take the right steps to get your life back on an even keel ( to get treatment and/or medication for PNI – or ask your partner to leave as he is being dishonest and not giving you the support you need seem to be central to your dilemma) is you need to know if any of your fears about your partner are justified before you can start to make some sense of it for yourself.
I will try to assist you make some sense of your situation (do you have PNI or is your partner being dishonest and lying and thus making you very angry and frustrated) but you must answer my questions about whether you have other symptoms, have you been diagnosed.
All the best
Veritee