Getting there

[SamP]

Hello, I hope it is OK for me to post here. I guess I am almost recovered from PNI and can really relate to so much I have read on this site. It sounds so clichéd to say but my experience has been that it really does get better and yet I know if someone had told me that at the time I would have never believed them.
I am living in Scotland (but all my family are in England) and I think the lack of support contributed to my PNI. I had my son nearly 5 years ago and had a horrible first 2 years – had traumatic birth , couldn’t breastfeed (no milk was coming through) and was bullied by the nursing staff to keep on trying. I knew breast was best but I just couldn’t do it so felt I had failed at the first hurdle. My son had colic and cried non-stop for the first few months and had feeding difficulties. He would scream when we were out and women would ask if I had fed him, changed him etc…really helping my confidence (not!!) I really thought I had lost my mind and just couldn't cope. I had very little help and put my child into childcare as soon as I could – which I do feel very guilty about now.. I remember my HV telling me I would laugh about how I was feeling in years to come – I certainly NEVER will – can’t believe she told me that. Also a ‘friend’ who was also a HV told me at the time ‘this was the easy bit’ – REALLY did not help in fact sent me into a spiral of despair.
However I have been gradually getting much better although stressful events still get to me and I still have some anxiety issues. Also it hasn't been easy for my generally supportive partner although he is obsessed with work and sometimes I feel family comes second with him.
However, in general, I think I enjoy life and appreciate most things more after having been through it all. I’m sorry for going on but it feels very good to be able to get it all out here. I wish I had known about this site back then and hope I can still post here.
All the best,
Sam

[Veritee]

Hi Sam

And welcome

Of course you can post here - the site is for sufferers and survivors and you input really will be welcome and helpful.

We rely on the experiences and understanding of those who have got through it, to support and give hope to those going through it.

Also we are the first to recognise that while you may have got through the illness of PNI itself - many women if they have not had a chance to talk it through with other women who have been there

Are left with many issues around having suffered so dreadfully from PNI.

This does not at all mean you still have PNI but for some ( especially if at the time you were ill you met with a lack of understanding of what PNI really means and what it does to you) you are left with sadness anger and disappointment that it could help to work through.

It sounds like you really met this lack of understanding too??

I am sure the HV meant well in saying you would laugh later at how you felt – I certainly never laughed at how I felt and for me it is over 13 years and I am not laughing now – Also your friend was probably trying to help and for a well mother she might be right as the teenage years that I am going through with my daughter are quite difficult – but there is a BIG difference between my looking after a young demanding baby when I had PNI and my looking after a moody and demanding teenager now

The big difference is that I do not have PNI now!!

Both your HV and your friend spoke as women who have never experienced PNI and had not actually got to grips with the difference – or thought through that it was not the ‘normal’ situation of being a mother of a young baby that you were suffering and you were somehow taking it harder than most - but that you were very ill with PNI.

I am always disappointed to hear that professional HVs have not been knowledgeable to make that distinction.

I am speaking from direct experience here - and while I have had many opportunities from running this site to work through my own issues – and years of counselling - I am still left with some and an awareness that PNI did mar my first years with my baby and that some of the sadness will never leave me

- as you said if I had had a site like this when I was ill with women who understood instead of the appalling lack of understanding from HV, GPs Social workers that I did in fact suffer - perhaps I too would be free of these demons!

So this is one of the reasons this site was started - in the hope that if women can join a community of others who understand PNI while they are actually going through it and support each other and get support from recovered sufferers ( survivors) too...

Then perhaps they will not be left with a legacy of anger and grief as I was for having suffered PNI.

Anyway - you are very welcome to join us

All the best

Veritee