new and looking for help

[susanneb1984]

Hiya.
My name is Susanne and I am 21 years old. I have a 2 year old daughter, from a previous relationship and I am 28 weeks pregnant with another girl with my new partner whom i have been with for 18 months. I have suffered with depression on and off since I was 15 years old, due to sexual abuse as a child. I am a recovering self harmer, and I have not self harmed for over a year now.
I was diagnosed with PNI when my daughter was about 8 weeks old, although my health visitor at the time was very understanding, I don't feel I ever really dealt with that. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I can honestly say she is happy. She is quite poorly, with holes in her heart and other health problems, but no-one ever seems to understand that.
I am so used to surviving, that my family don't seem to worry about me anymore, because I'm Susanne and I survive, it's what I do. Nothing bothers me and I never need help, but I do and even when I have screamed out for it, it's never been there.
In feb 2004, I was diagnosed with spina bifida occulta, and also had abnormal smear results, both of which are currently awaiting treatment.

This pregnancy has been so much simpler than my daughters, there's been no bleeding or high blood pressure, or problems with her like there was with my eldest, yet I can't seem to cope.
Both of them were planned and very much wanted, but I can't seem to get on top of my emotions this time, and I can't just cope this time. My midwife thinks it's prenatal depression, but the referal to the special team of midwives, can take up to 5 months to come through.
I'm so scared that I won't bond with this baby either. I have a lot of guilt towards my eldest as I smoked when I was pregnant and I can't help but wonder how many of her problems are due to that. i guess I'll never know.

My boyfriend is wonderful. it's hard for him though, he's never had to deal with anything like this before.

Sorry for the book.

[Veritee]

Dear Susanne and welcome to the forum

You feel free to write as much as you want - we all do!

I am sorry I have not replied before but Tuesdays are a bit of a busy day for me but I am here now.

I will certainly understand the hole in the heart problem.

My daughter was born full term very small, by caesarean and failed to thrive, it was later found she had a heart murmur caused by what is termed a hole in the heart .

She was very pale, small, tired and often ill for many years and I worried about her health but this worry was dismissed by most of my friends - by the way like happens for some the hole-in the heart problem resolved itself as she grew spontaneously as does often happen, but not without us having a referral to a the Bristol heart team and tests for a few years – it was worrying - but now she is 16 in the middle of her GCSEs - still a small girl - but fine on the whole.

As to the 'prenatal depression, yes this certainly can happen especially if you are perhaps not fully over PNI from another baby - but at least your are aware of it and have professional help early on and I guess you will get some extra help.

But as well as this I hope this forum can help support you - I know what you mean about being a survivor I am one too - but just because you will survive this does not mean you do not need a little support and kindness along the way.

I am sure others on the site can relate to what you are going through and its a good idea to seek support before the baby is born - others have done this too.

By the way I do not know what spina bifida occulta is ? I could look it up if you'd rather

All the best for now

Veritee

[wendabell]

Hello and welcome susanne,
And like veritee says you rant as much as you like on here it is what its for.
You say you were diagnosed with spina bifida occulta did you get a full explanation of what this is hunny.
As for the pni, had you recovered from it from your first child as left untreated it can carry on for some time.
Have you spoken to your gp about how you are feeling now too.You say you are being refered by your midwife,thats good but try not to bottle up your feelings over this.It is why she is there to support you.Tell her exactly how low you feel if you can.
The guilt you feel, i think a lot of us do things they may regret.i worked and didnt tell my work place of my third pregnancy and cocequently i lost my baby.I will never know if it was my fault. as i should have informed them so i had a lighter work load.
The main thing is you have a beautiful loving daughter and a caring partner.Can you talk to him about how you are feeling? It can be so difficult to do this to our closest friend.
As for here,we are all mums with lots of experience and we all have a good rant on this site,like me right now.
welcome again
wendy x.x.x

[susanneb1984]

Thanks for the replies.
Spina bifida occulta is a very mild form of spina bifida and usually causes no problems. However, in my case, it's caused extensive nerve damage and a lot of pain.
We have to wait until Georgina is 3 months old before they can do anymore tests to see if that's the only problem I have.

I just wanted to thank you, this site is like a breath of fresh air, I'm still not feeling wonderful, but then I know it's not an overnight thing. Wouldn't it be great if it was?
I'm having a particulaly bad day today, and my daughter was asking if it was her fault. I told her it wasn't, but she got upset because I was crying. I try not to cry too much in front of her because she is very clingy and she gets upset if I'm upset. My poor boyfriend, I really don't deserve him. He does so much for me, and he feels guilty that he can't help me. I'm hoping I'll start to pick up later, I've put Thea to bed for half an hour because I think even she needs a time out.

[wendabell]

hello again,
sorry today is not a good one.I too wished many a time i think we all do that one day we would wake up and presto gone.It does go in time,honest.
Your daughter poor love.Just an idea i have used and told a few before but, tell your daughter you are ill.Kids are very good at picking up emotions and can get worried about how you are and if you hide it it will worry them more no matter how young they are. I told all my kids that mummy was poorly and this makes me cry a lot and i get tired and grumpy too and that i need their help.Kids love to feel they are helping and on bad days i would ask them to do small tasks to help me and they loved it and it helped us all.It has certainly not effected them emotionally or socially by me doing this and my nearly 6 year old is doing really well in her class.Please dont hide it its nothing to be ashamed of really.You are ill just like having an invisible broken leg you have to tell people its there.
As for your partner ah bless him.You do deserve each other but again dont exclude him.Tell him how you feel i know its hard and i excluded my hubby from this for such a long time and our relationship suffer from it.
Again he is more than welcome to come on here and he can post as we have a mens section with a male moderator(my hubby) so he knows exactly a male point of view in all this.
hope to hear from you soon
heres to a better tommorow
love wendy x.x.x

[yorkslass]

HI

Sorry I have not replied before now as i have been offline for a while and am catching up on threads.

I think I may be able to help a little as I have just had a baby well he is 12 weeks now.
I have suffered from postnatal depression since the birth of my second child who is nearly 4.

I was told to carry on with my antidepressants tablets as they felt it was better for me to stay on them rather than to come off them.
Are you still on tablets or stopped because of your pregnancy?

My midwife kept an eye on me with my depression making sure it got no worse while i was pregnant and I knew my HV was at the other end of the phone, I was also given support from a local mental health team called On track which is ongoing for as long as I need them they concentrate on ME. I am also getting Homestart involved to help with the 2 youngest children (I have 3 children 2 girls 7 and nearly 4 and my baby boy 12 weeks)

I was expecting to get worse after the birth of my last baby but so far so good and I am no worse than i was before i had him,I have not fully recovered from PND I am recovering and still on my tablets.

Hope this helps
If i can help you anymore just ask
Melx

[monica]

Dear Susanne

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. You sound so strong and brave having had to face to many difficulties in your life - I really admire you. However, no matter how strong you are, this illness can floor you completely, it did me.

It's wonderful your partner is so supportive - that must make a difference. Have you spoken to your family about how you feel. Sometimes, people expect you to be fine and cope with anything and maybe they don't have any idea what you're going through.

Take care

Monica