I cant tell anyone

[joop]

Hi there,
Just like most people on here i dont know what to say, mainly because i cant tell anyone im suffering and secondly as the tears swell up inside me i feel foolish, alone nad really low, i cry most days sometimes in private and sometime in front of my girls, all i want is to talk to someone but i cant tell anyone, you see my family look to me for support, my mums disabled and i support my two sisters with there children as they go to work, my partner keeps putting more and more pressure on me and i just cant cope nay longer.
I want to comitt suciside but im so scared it wont work and i will have to face everyone. Then all their guilt will push me furhter and further under. I love all three of my girls but am full of guilt, about all the things that went on to have them and also about the two that died.
I dont know if anyone can understand what im saying but i needed somewhere to say it

[Veritee]

Dear Joop

Welcome to the forum I hope we can support you a little?

You can say this here and in fact you can say anything else you want to say - this is what we are here for!

I certainly did understand everything you said and so many of us have felt we needed to hide our PNI because our families depended on us and also for some out of shame that we were somehow week or inadequate

Of course this is not true , often women with PNI like yourself are very very strong because they manage while feeling absolutely awful from PNI to continue to care for their families and still do their wider tasks as well and to hide their illness - it takes a lot of strength to do this

And you are obviously strong.

But as you have found their are limits to how long you can keep this up without support and understanding.

Do you want to tell us a bit more about yourself?

How long have you felt like this - what are your most troublesome symptoms - have you sought any help either medication , counsellign or alternatives?

You mentioned two children died - would it help to tell us about this as we will certainly listen?

I big feature for many women who have PNI is a feeling of guilt - This scan be overwhelming - it certainly was for me!

I hope you will continue to talk to us

All the best for now

Veritee

[Joop]

Yes here is my story,
To understand my story i have to take you back a few years, married and pregnant and at 13 weeks the baby was not growing, 16 weeks, baby still small for dates 17 weeks high blood pressure 19 weeks in hospital there i stayed until 28 weeks, when i had emergency section and baby admitted to special care weighing 1lb 12oz, she died twice , resucitated, but came out the day due to be born. Three years later pregnant agaain this time 26 weeks baby died, 18 months later pregnant again again baby died (the only boyin the enitr family), was told that i had a condition and that there wa s no cure. 1997 Christmas mum had a car accident and spent 3 months in hospital, i lost my job and my husband left never came to terms with anthing.
2001 i met a lovely bloke he had no kids and i knew that one day he would want them and due to my age decide to seek advise i found out the condition could be treated and we agreed that we should try sooner than later as i didnt want to be an old mum and have no chance of having any.
My job wasnt going to well, and a break would do me good, it took 8 months but i fell pregnant, stated treatment and was in and out of hospital 55 miles away from home, much of this time i spent on my own. Baby was born at 34 weeks and admiited to special care, eventually she was well enough to go to a small unit in my home town.
Here i wasnt able to stay and spent every waking hour with her, watching unable to do nothing.
Finances were tight and when she was three months old i had to return to work, i found a good job and had to leave my baby with my partner as i worked (we had to move away from home town for the job) my partner wasnt coping to well at home and i was up every night looking after her, i used to go to work come home do housework, cook tea na dlook after both my girls and husband and his brother who had just moved in.
Due to all this going on i hadnt noticed the fact i had missed a period and well put it down to recovery after my baby. a lttile while later i felt really poorly and that was when iworked out i was pregnant again. Althought the baby was really wanted, i didnt feel i could cope with two under 10 months, but my quilt of the lost babies wouldnt let me do anything about it, so went ahead with the pregnany.
during pregnancy there were yet more complications and baby decided to start coming at 34 weeks, i was sectioned again (third section and two within 10 months) i ended up with a blood clot and was admitted into hospital where i stayed for a month with everyone else loooking after the baby. She was brought in to stay for one night but during the night i must of turned funny and dislodged another clot, so she was taken away fom me, i had to stop feeding her as i had an infection and the drugs where able to cross in to baby.
Now i am left with two babies now 20 and 10 months with a disability and unable to do what i would like to do with my girls. I have to attend the docotrs once a weke for check ups and blood counts. to top it all the youngest one doesnt sleep and no matter what i do she doesnt want me to comfoprt her but during the day wont leave me alone. the lack of sleep is killling me, the guilt about these two surviving and the other two not, means i cant even speak about my two dead babies. Mum needs more surgery now and my sister has found new love, i am totally on my own in a world where i feel not wanted rejected and guilty.

[yorkslass]

HI I am pleased veritee has replied as i have got to go of line now but will re read your thread and reply later I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and we are here for you and never worry if someone dose not reply straight away as sometimes no one is here for a while then every one turns up at once.



Take care Melx

[wendabell]

hello joop,
you are not alone on here hunny.I am so sorry you have had a terrible time and that alone is enough to bring anyone down.
And i fully understand too and you do make perfect sence.
I too had a hard time telling anyone of my illness still do to be honest and some of the feelings you described was me not so long ago.
You must be so worn out and i cant immagine how much.
Please dont give up, we will support you as much as we can on here and and you can use us as much as you want too.Do you have any friends you could ask for support at all, anyone else in your family?
As much as we can support you verbally on here you do need the physical kind as well to help you to rest and recover. Sorry if i missed it but have you spoken to your gp about this,believe me they will be understanding and wont take your babies away honest.
I am looking forward to getting to know you more, please dont feel alone.we are thinking of you
love
wendy x.x.x

[rach]

hello joop

sorry to hear what you have been going through and it really is not surprising that you feel the way you do, you have been through so much and having 2 children within such a small space of time must be really hard i think your doing great i have been through weeks and even months where i couldn't cope and i only have 1 child, you need to take some time out for yourself as you will not be anygood for anyone let alone yourself if you continue, you have already made a start by coming on and letting your feelings out i can assure you no will think badly of you on here, once i admitted ti myself and then built up the corage to tell everyone else things do get better it sounds as if you are a twr of support to everyone but has no one stoped to ask you how you are as it sounds as if they are starting to take you for granted.
Please try to talk to your hv or gp as they really can help.

i hope that you start to feel better and that you continue to come onto the site, the girls are all great.

love and hugs rach

[yorkslass]

HI

You have made a big step opening up on here that was the best thing I did when I was at my worst I found this site and wrote just how I felt, as you have done.

I felt foolish low sad cried all the time and yes in front of my kids too.

You say all you wanna do is talk to someone well here we are and you have already started doing so by opening your heart and letting your feelings go. So well done you.

My family too always seemed to look to me too for support as I am the oldest child of three and big sister always came to the rescue but I felt no one repaid the favour when I was the one who needed it.

I too tried to commit suicide I am glad it did not work though as I would not be here trying to help others like you and also be able to see my kids grow up let alone have a little baby boy too.

Yes I can understand what you are saying you are letting your feelings out and you have come to the right place, you are now among friends and that is what friends are for.

I also read your story and you have been through one hell of a life it has not been easy for you, you are one special lady and I open my heart to you for what you have had happen to you in your life.

You have young children and are also thinking of your little angles you lost which must be so hard for you.

I hope I have helped a little as all I want to say is you are not alone please come on here as much as you want.


Take care

Melx

[joops]

Well yet again its 5am, the little one has woken then the middle one and their both screaming, i cant remember the last time i slept 41/2 hours a night is max at moment and even that is disturbed. I feel like, well you know what i mean.

As for the Doctor yes i have been and no i havent had any support, he said there was a waiting list for counselling and that due to the fact that i dont get much sleep and have to look after two babies, that antid's were proable not an option. He did suggest he would talk to the Health visitor, she wrote a letter that i got on Thursday last week saying she would like to come round hone up and book some appointments so i did, she wasnt there. When i eventually got her she cant see me, until the end of June.

As for friends i have one good friend, that is it and i wouldnt put this on her. I would have confided in my oldest sister but she is in love and since Christmas i have been graced with her presence twice for the grand total of 45 minutes. Before this she used to come to me and cry her heart out at least 5 times a week and i would be at her house, looking after her the other two days, her husband walked out on her 6 years ago and until, middle of last year wouldnt accept it.

I wish now i had not moved back, to my home town to be close to my family. The only one who helps is my mum and my mum has her own problems, like she is due to have radicle surgery. so shes not an option. Steve well Steve is Steve what more can i say!!!!! you all seem to have very supportive husbands or partners. I have to let Steve sleep at night otherwise, he is like a bear with a sore head. He goes out to work now, thankfuly. so im left to do everything. when he isnt stressed hes lovely and i love him very much but he could do more to help.
Just one saturday a month away from the girls would help, but he cant cope with two for long.

Well i had better go so will speak later, i have parent and toddle group this morning and that does give me a break as i get help from the oldr ladies who help run the group they love the girls.

bye for now

joop

[DCS]

Hi joop

Like most of us that have found this website, we probably didn't know who to tell our true feelings to about what we were or are feeling. I know when I found the website, I was in an hour of need, found the guestbook, added what I was going through and that was over a year ago. Since then I've found alot of comfort in corresponding with others at those times of need.

You're not alone by any means, you've taken a huge step by admitting what you are feeling and I'm sure by sharing your experience and reading others you will soon see that there are plenty of girls out there who care about what you are going through.

When I read your thread I was sad for the loss you have experienced and for what you have been through. I can't begin to imagine your sorrow. It choked me up to read that you felt suicidal and if you were in front of me now I'd just want to give you a big hug and tell you, you'll be ok in time. When I was at my lowest all I wanted was a hug and those words but because no one truly understood what I was feeling it didn't happen often. I'd shut myself in my own little world and spent alot of time crying. I had times I didn't want to be here, not because I didn't love my babies, partner, or family but because I thought it would just take away the despair of what I was feeling, I'd then feel guilty for feeling that way. I took each day as it came as I still do and just look to the future.

I found it easier to tap away on the keyboard than to share it with friends or family because those who haven't gone through it do not have a clue to why or what you are feeling. All the women who've come on here are all in the same boat. Reading other womens experiences was like reading my own. Even if I haven't got anything to add I still view it regularly because I think it's a really good website.

Just as wendy said, although you can get verbal support from here, the physical support is also an idea. You did mention your GP was of little help with a waiting list for counselling. My GP was also of little help, I did seek out a counsellor privately. Have you considered that or speak with your health visitor to see if she can recommend anyone. Talking to someone out of the family may be of help because you can speak honestly about what you feel. I know it's not the same but my mum really suffered when she lost her mum, she had delayed grief and carried alot of guilt and other feelings. We found her a counsellor who specialised in bereavement. Maybe this is an option for how you feel about the loss of your babies. The main thing is to keep talking and not to bottle it up.

I find it a great comfort coming on here, no matter how low you feel remember you are not on your own, tap away and share your feelings with others who are in a similar situation. Take care.

A big hug

DCS x x x

[rach]

hi joops

sorry to hear that you had very little help from your gp, did he mention if the councillor was an in surgery one? as this happened when i first asked for help and when i eventually got the call saying there was a space i was asked not to bring my son which i can understand but i dont have anyone to look after him, i eventually told the dr that i really needed help and asked to see the comunity mental health as suggested by hv, i dont know maybe you could try this if you havnt already.

i really feel for you as pni can be very loney , and beleve me i know what its like having a husband who is not very suporting as my hubby used to sleep through even when ethan had colic!!! i to also thought it was easier to just muddle through than to have him grumpy, my hubby wouldn't change nappys feed or bath him in fact he would only cuddle him for short perids of time as long as it didnt interfere with his plans however ethan is now nearly 2 and he has started to muck in, its so frustrating

i hope you do find the support here you need and that your ok

hugs rach

[Veritee]

Hi Joops

I hope you come on here to read this - a few of us on here want to support you!

I too read your story about your children and was really moved - my heart goes out to you - you have gone through so much. I only had one caesarean and my child nearly died but lived - and that experience will be with me for life.

Sorry if I am being dense - but you mentioned that you suffer a disability as well as your mother being disabled from an accident, but did you say what it is?

I am disabled too - on higher rate mobility allowance of DLA - to give you an indication of the degree of my disability, so if I can listen or help with living with a disability please let me know.

But have I got it wrong and it is your mum only that has the disability - not you also ? let me know?

As to medication - I am very surprised and a bit concerned that your GP would not give you anti Ds because of having to care for two young children!

Many women on here are on Anti Ds and have young children to care for - some as many as 4 - and they have been prescribed them.

If you actually do not want to give them a go - this is fine , I did not take them - but if you do want to try medication I do not think that this is a good enough reason not to give them to you!!

Personally I would go back to your GP and if he will not prescribe an Anti D then ask for a second opinion from another GP.

After all these days there are many Anti Ds that do not make you sleepy, most SSRIs for instance do not have this side effect ( Prozac is the most well known of these) and some even perk you up a bit.

A GP should be able to find you a suitable medication or combination to try which will not leave you in danger of sleeping though your children’s needs at night.

But forgive me if you have said - but I read your story a few times but was not certain from what your said - as you sound so alone and do not mention anyone else helping you with your children at night - If you still have a partner? -

I f you are still with him, I understand that if a partner is working it is difficult to get them to do the night shift ( mine was very reluctant and as he was so grumpy without sleep mostly I preferred to go without myself - I did not sleep the whole night consistently with just one child for nearly 3 years but I did find ways round it for the occasional nights rest )

So can't you do what I did and your partner or a relative or a friend do the occasional night for you??


Even if you are not with him - these are his children so could he not take at least one for a couple of nights each week??? - they are not breast fed so this is not an obstacle as it is for some.

If you are a single parent do you have any other friends that are, that would be willing to sleep over for a night?

Your sister might be in love - but have you actually asked her to do a night or so for you at a weekend perhaps?

If you do not ask you do not get - and while I understand how you feel , if you are feeling as you said in your fist post - like committing suicide - then you hacve to look out for yourself and ask for what you need!

Please go back to your GP and ask for some medication that would be suitable and consider asking your partner, or family for some help also .

You sound so alone looking after your children – but you have family and your children have a dad so you must ask for the help you need.

You say your mum is disabled so cant help – maybe she is much worse than me but I am on the higher rate DLA as I said but I am a Home Start visitor for young families and if I had grandchildren I would be capable ( and pleased to do it) to have grandchildren for a night or so and look after them. If I had to I would put them in my own room so I would not have to hobble far to feed them and change them in the night.

So please try to ask for what you need – you never know until you do and it is surprising what people can do if they know what is wanted and needed.

let us now how you get on

All the best

veritee

[Veritee]

Sorry Joop

I have just re read you last post an realised I go the wrong end of the stick and that you are like I was - with a partner - Steve - who is so grumpy that it feels easier at the time for you to let him sleep and you never have a full nights sleep. – is this how it is?

If so I would be tempted to get yourself some anti Ds that make you sleepy at night like Mirtazipine and tell your partner he has no choice but to wake up at night!!

Sorry I am being a bit over the top but you are taking the responsibility for your children waking at night all on yourself – to the determent of your own health and well being

It was like this with me and Barry

But in the end I had to read the riot act. Because if you are feeling suicidal it might feel better for you to go without sleep than him – but he is not suicidal and it is not better for you to never have a nights sleep – it is better to share this!

I was desperate through lack of sleep and we are all grumpy if we do not get enough.

Ideally we would all get enough sleep but when you have young children if one person is not to be pushed over the edge - you have to share it.

You are also getting desperate from lack of sleep - quite apart from PNI.
We did not all have supportive men - mine was just like yours about the night times and at times I HATED him.

But in the end I just told him - that I did not care how grumpy he would be, I was going to lock myself into the bedroom as far away from my baby as possible for at least one night a week - take Nytol see: veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=meds&action=display&n=1&thread=4396

and wear earplugs - and sleep.

I did do this as I had no option - I was very ill with PNI , having terrible thoughts, feeling suicidal and on top of this having never more than 3 to 4 hours sleep a night.

My husband did not have PNI - he had not had a caesarean and been ill from a very traumatic birth.
he would survive a few sleepless nights - and did

and so will Steve.

The first step is to explain this to him - go and get a few nights sleep

and then take the rest from there with asking for help/suitable medication from your GP