will i ever get better?

[Christine]

Hello everyone,

It's late, I'm so tired, but I decided I'd post a quick note so I might sleep better knowing someone out there might be able to help.

I've been coping with PNI for about a year and a half now, I'll tell the story of it all later, maybe, I just don't have the energy now. I just want to know when and if I'll ever be well for more than a few days in a row. I'm weaning off antidepressants, and I'm doing so well most of the time, then I'll have a low day and that in itself makes me more depressed! Then, of course, I think to myself that I must be some kind of nut that my daughter is two and why oh why am I still suffering from post natal illness, when she's way past the baby phase!

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'll be depressed forever now, and I won't be able to say it's PNI, I'm just always depressed.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a Good Day, not a Low Day like today, and I'll have the confidence to log on here and tell you all a bit more. For now, to bed. Sleep is such a nice escape, eh?

[yorkslass]

First of all let me say welcome to the forum.

We will help you as best we can you are now in amongst pople who have PND/PNI , recovering from pnd and yes some of the ladies on here have recovered from pnd.

We do not claim to be medical experts just women who have or are suffering from the same illness as you.

I have been suffering from PND since oct 01 but am slowly recovering and am still on medication.

At first all my days where bad, low, depressed could not go out not even take my kids to school, did not get dressed if I did not have to, but then started to get better as I was seeing a good day every now and then, then after a while had a couple of good days tgethr then the good days started to get more and more and now the good days out number the bad days. Yes I do get bad days but I have more energy to fight them now and even have the energy to help on this site by being a moderator and supporting women like you.

I have also since had another child in march this year which I thought I would never have the energy to go through after I had some of the worst days of my life through this illness, and so far I have not gone backwards.

You say you are weaning of antidepressants is this with the advice of your doctor. I ask this as I did the worst thing I thought I was getting better 3 months after starting my tablets and just stopped taking mine with out the knowledge of my GP and ended going back on them about a year later as I was feeling very bad again and went to my GP.

You are no way a nut you have an illness and this illness WILL go away but it just takes time.

I feel silly when I try to explain I have PND as my daughter is nearly 4, people assume that I have it because I have a 12 week old son and don’t relise you can have it for longer than a couple of months, but no I was diagnosed with it with my daughter who is nearly 4 and my HV and support worker think I may have actually had it from when my oldest daughter was born 7 yrs ago and that I never recoverd with it from having her to having my next child. BUT I know I WILL get rid of this illness as I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel as will you as some of the women that come on here to support people with PND/PNI and some who have gone on to pastures new.

Please do come back on and tell your story you can become a member or just keep coming on as a guest but we are here to listen and to support you and don’t worry we will not judge you in any way.

I hope I have helped and not scared you by saying I may have had my illness for as long as 7 years as some part of this illness I did not realise I had it and never got help.

[Christine]

Thank you thank you thank you. I need to know there are others out there who have had this for years, not weeks or months, and that they are coping and having more good days than bad! I am so, so comforted knowing that you're out there, even though I'm going through a rough patch I have hope again. It's just so rough when I was doing so well and then feel like I've reached a plateau, ya know?

My story: tough pregnancy, had big fibroid that caused me a lot of pain from around month four. That subsided, only to be replaced by a low-lying placenta scare that had me in hospital every two weeks with bleeding. At one point we thought our daughter would be born at 24 weeks. I was homebound, no going to antenatal groups to make friends, only visits to hospital to worry that my baby would die. I wonder if PNI could mean PRE-natal illness, too, as I was quite low then!

However, my little bunny decided that we'd get the best of 'em and was not born at 24 weeks, no, she went two weeks over and was born 9-1/2 pounds!!! (I'm only 5 feet tall, so she basically took over my entire body!) The delivery was difficult, as the doctors assured me that I could have a natual delivery (), induced me, broke my waters for me after, I don't know, 24 hours or so because I was only 3 cm, only to give me an emergency Caesarean 28 hours later, after her heart rate dropped, I got fever, and a doctor suddenly said, 'Oh, I don't know if your pubic arch will allow a baby of this size to come out.' Could've told me that a few days ago when you induced, eh? Ah, if only I could go back in time with the wisdom I have now...

But I was so very proud of her, and she took to breastfeeding straight away, but a big baby needs LOTS of feeding, and I insisted on breastfeeding, I was so terrified of losing her or doing anything wrong, I had almost lost her so many times during pregnancy you see, and I think that was part of my problem from the beginning, insane paranoia. Lack of sleep, moving house...I was determined to cook all of her baby food from scratch to prove to everyone on earth that I COULD DO THIS, even when I felt I was falling apart myself.

The oddest thing is, I didn't even realise I had PNI for months and months, I just kept thinking I was simply having a tough time adjusting. See, I didn't have any of the negative feelings toward my baby that are usually associated with PNI - she was my joy, my delight, she was perfect, it was everything else in life that was getting me so down! I couldn't bare to get dressed, I didn't want to move from the sofa, but if I could just cuddle my little girl she made me feel like at least one element of life was still worth living.

Wow, I'm really writing a lot here. Finally the World's Greatest Health Visitor came to me in our new village and made me see that I was ill. She was great, she made me feel like it would all be okay. I was on anti-depressants when my daughter turned 8 months, 40mg dose, and all started getting better after that. I took pressure off myself to be Superwoman, made lots of new mum friends in our new village, and felt like I was on the road to recovery.

But it's this last bit of weaning that has me stuck. I'm on 10mg doses now, but I think I might have to go back up to 20, because I just can't seem to battle these mood swings. I had a panic attack this morning and ended up in tears. And don't even mention that time of the month - I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.

I don't want to have to go back up to 20mg, I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE! All had been going so well! I guess I just need reassurance, which is why I'm so glad you responded.

Uh oh, gotta run, little one's waking from her nap. THANK YOU

[collette]

hi there christine and welcome to the forum

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It can be hard going through the experiences in your mind again can't it?

Firstly let me say that I have had pni since Nov 04 so I haven't had it for years. However, from my experience on this forum I can tell you that you are by no means unusual in having had symptoms and struggled for a long time. Veritee will confirm that for you I am sure.

You said that for months you thought you didn't have pni and that you thought you were just struggling on and on? Well I felt that too and thought i was just a bad mum who couldn't cope with ababy who would be better off being adopted.

I am no medical expert and am not being weaned off my anti ds yet but there are plenty of women on here I am sure who can discuss their experiences of this with you. I can definetely identify with the pmt issue. Last week was a nightmare for me and I felt like I was getting ill again and so up and down it was unbelievable. It was awful but I have heard that you can sometimes get a hormonal cream or supplement to help this. If you are at all interested ask Veritee as I think she knows about this? I think I will be talking to my GP about it cause I can't handle the mood swings either.

You are not a failure if you have to up your dose again remember that! It is just a temporary blip and u will get through it. I don't thinkany of us like being on anti ds, the ones that use them but i view it as a necessary evil I need to take in order to stay well.

I am so glad u have posted and look forward to hearing more from you.

love collette x ;D

[Veritee]

Dear Christine

I want to welcome you to the forum.

I have to go out in a bit so I can not answer very fully but I do want to say that while many women only suffer thins months quite a few of us have it for years and getting support can really make a difference ( I really believe this ) to how long you suffer.

I only had one baby because I started late

and I had very little support. I had it for 4 years acutely and my baby was five before I could really say I was over it.

I have found on this forum that women who suffer it and then have another baby before they are fully over PNI can go on to have PNi a lot longer.I do not know whether I can make a generalization her but it does seem to me that if you have although pregnancy, difficult or bad birth experience - emergency Cesarean especially, that you may suffer longer.

I share with you the emergency Cesarean and the fear for almost 3 years that my precious daughter would die/ that she would not survive.

It is hard to get well when you have this worry at all times.

That PNI always only ever lasts for a short while - is one of the myths about PNI I am keen to dispel!

That it only ever lasts for a less than a couple of years for all - yes for some/even many it does - but we are all affected differently and we all have different circumstances and treatment and support.

But anyway whether it lasts for you for months or years we all share the absolute awfulness and horror of this illness while we are suffering so everyone with PNi is welcome here.

All the best

veritee

[christine]

Wow, I'm reading the responses with tears in my eyes, feeling so much better knowing that you all can relate! Of course I know that it's a common illness, and I've known others that have had it, but I thought I'd be past it by now so haven't had any connection with other sufferers for a long time. To be able to still relate to people, to know that I'm not alone, means everything to me right now.

I'm happy to report that I lifted myself out of a big gloom this afternoon by arranging an impromptu playdate with a friend and her children and then doing some gardening after my daughter went to sleep. Not much, I know, but when I really just wanted to lie on the sofa for the entire day doing anything active is a big deal to me. And my flowers are looking ever so nice!

I'm going to sleep tonight feeling a heck of a lot better than when I went to sleep last night. Thank you all for that. I know I still have ups and downs, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, but for the moment I'm feeling good. Goodnight!

[yorkslass]

I am so pleased to know that you have had a better day than you expected today.

I too have been in my garden and sorted it out well just part of it but for me too this is a big thing. When we have this illness even the tiny things are a challange and when you have managed to do somthing that you feel is big give yourself a pat on the back and look back and say I DID THAT, that is what got me through those bad days and still dose when i feel bad and have managed to do somthing i have been dreading or just feel i can not manage.

It makes a difference going to bed feeling good dont you think.

Heres to a good day for all tommorrow.

[collette]

hi Christine

It is great to hear that you went to bed feeling loads better and also good to hear that you managed to lift yourself out of a low mood.

I know how difficult this can be. I was at my v v worst over winter and getting out was not easy not having the car. But now we have just had spring and now summer and I have the car and a garden I can always find something to do.

I too enjoy gardening like yourself and Mel and this has been so therapeutic to me over the last few months. To get out and do something and as Mel says look at it and say I did that is great.

So heres to more of the positive in all our lives eh?

love collette x

[wendabell]

hi christine,
i too am glad you are better today than of late and im glad you have found us too.
When i read your post i had tears in my heart.It was so like me its untrue.
I have had this illness since the birth of my daughter in 1999, and through two other children since then.
I too did not think it was pni just having a hard time with everything else but my daughter.
I thought i cant be depressed as i thought you were supposed to be disinterested in your baby and all i wanted to do way cudle her and give her the moon.
I suffered alone the first time and i dont think it really went away but after my second child it hit home bad again.This time i went to my hv and told her i was low she sent me to the doc and all she said was without asking me questions i might add was well we can star you on anti depressents.
That made me so confused. to make an asumption and be so easily prescribed something ..i declined .
But i too was bad.Life was just passing me by as i sat on the sofa staring at the wall with the dust piling up around me.
My relatinship has suffered through this and i only finally got diagnosed officially after th birth of my third child.I have been taking anti dees but to be honest i have struggled with them but thats another story.
Things have been tough and it has helped knowing that i have a family that loves me and people on here i can relate and talk too.
Now i am in recovery.Been having quite a good time of late but have to admit for a little while now i have had all that crap returning.But this time its not as bad and at least i can identify it now.I too now suffer from bad pms as well never had it before and now i do.
I am so glad you found us and i have my diary on here if you want to read it. its under the name wendy and it is a long read but its all my post from when i first joined to where i am now.
love
wendy

[wendabell]

wendy
hey you will improve and i am so sorry you have had it so long too.
i know we have a hard time opening up to this illness but sometimes i just wish that the gp s would say that hey it can take years before you get better instead of their usual oh have some pills and we will wean you off them in 6 months as you should improve by then.( my little soapbox rant)
hey its nice to meet a fellow wendy didnt think many of us wendys existed. bit weird typing your name in at the top of a letter its like im talking to me. Glad you feel up to reading the other posts now they can be of some help and comfort.

[wendabell]

sending you a big hug.
hope today is a better one.

[christine]

One thing I've found is that, knowing that this is an illness makes the low points seem a little less hopeless. I was actually relieved to find out that what I was feeling was PNI, because then I knew it wasn't me, it wasn't a 'new me' that was born along with my baby, it was an illness that can be treated.

So many people tell you how much your life changes when you have a child, and for so long I assumed that my 'new' persona, that of a listless, depressed person, was that big change, and it made me more depressed to think that this was it, I was going to be like this for the rest of my life. But now I know otherwise, and the 'old christine' is shining through more and more as time goes on and I heal. Now I try - I don't always succeed but I really try - to go easy on myself when I feel a low mood or have a low day. I allow myself to feel however I want, I don't beat up myself for not being perfect and happy, and I cancel any housework or stressful stuff for the day. I have some close mum friends here in the village whom I can call and simply say 'I'm having a low day' and we immediately arrange a playdate to give me something to look forward to.

All that said, I still had a panic attack Tuesday, but at least I've developed some coping mechanisms in an attempt to get through.

How are you, Wendy? Having a better day?