I hope bad language is permitted, because

[elderflower]

everything is f2cking me off today and it is getting worse - I feel a quarter of a turn out with respect to the physical universe and everything is wonky, or jams, or is an eighth of an inch closer that where I thought so I bash my foot on it and scream into gritted teeth. I could shriek and shriek and shriek with rage and despair like the madwoman my mother was. Is. I fantasise about feasts of destruction where I smash and smash - windows, crockery, TV screens, glass-fronted shelves, grinding the shards with my teeth and beneath my feet and sending them whirling about me like a maelstrom. I scream and scream and froth and bubble and dissolve my face in acid tears until a kind anonymous soul in a calico smock leads me gently away by the hand to a silent cream room with cushioned walls and floor which I bury my face in and howl until I pass out. When I wake there are pale lights above my face and I hear a gentle voice say 'It's all right, we're going to look after you now. You don't have to worry any more.' Behind the panes of glass that line one side of the room are my husband, my child, my mother, my mother-in-law and representatives of my friends - wide-eyed, faces pale and pulled downwards with that concern that looks so exaggerated that it actually appears sincere. They point at me and mouth words but I can't hear them through the glass so I watch them blankly for a minute or more and then turn aside. Then I am led away.

[wendabell]

hello elderflower,
what you describe there is so how we feel in all this.
I too felt that the whole world was staring in on me with that look you so well described.
And yes everything is that fraction too close so you stub your foot or catch your elbow on it.
And the pain.......the physical pain you think right now will take it all away.

Im sorry you are this low right now.
But you are not alone.
I hope you can find us usful to you and that we can support you in some way.
Nothing you say will shock us or make us judge you as we more than likely have felt exactly the same way too.
Please post if it helps,many find that by writing on here it is a good safe form of venting what boils inside us.It certainly helped me through some really bad times.
You dont need to post anything personal if you dont want to but we would love to get to know you better.
love
wendy x.x.x

[Veritee]

Welcome to the forum elderflower

again what a lovely log on name.

You describe the torment of how people feel when they have PNI -

I take it you have been diagnosed with PNI?

I am not very poetic in my writing like you, so can only put it plainly - but everything seemed to go wrong sometimes when I was ill and I live up a lane in the middle of nowhere so I did
'and shriek and shriek with rage and despair' and I also smashed things - not in the house where my child would see but I would go up the barn and let rip throwing things against the wall.

I too felt like I was a madwoman.

However the reference to your mother (I take it your mum had a mental or emotional illness? Did she have PNI or something else?

The rest about the white smocks and your family through the glass - is this part of what happened to you ie have you been hospitalized now or at some point or is it what you fear might happen.

I feared hospitalization but I have recently had a friend hospitalized and last year for 3 months and these days the reality of a modern psychiatric unit is not at all as you describe ; at least in the one I visited my friend for 3 months

So just to reassure you - the staff usually wear their own clothes , even the nurses, all residents in for psychiatric issues get their own room usually with a digital code so you can lock it and only the staff can get in, in the one my friend was in everyone had their own bathroom radio, bed wardrobe seat. there were TV lounges coffee bars and drinks machines for when no one is serving if you want a coffee in the night and no one gets put behind a glass screen away from your family however ill and upset you are - you might have some medication to settle you down, but you would not be in a silent cream room so I am guessing this was a dream of a fear?

Anyway I am just trying to help and guessing really as to what will help you at the moment.

So as Wendy says please post on here whatever you wish to say if it will help - yes you can swear, only if anyone swore or abused at anyone in particular on the forum would we delete or question it I certainly swore when I had PNI - a lot! especially when I stubed my toe! Thats the pits isnt it when you are down anyway?

So we hope to hear from you more

All the best

Veritee