mrsb
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mrsb on Jul 7, 2005 14:04:39 GMT
Hello ladies
I am Lisa, 30, and mum to a beautiful son who is 17 months old and I'm 29 weeks pregnant with another boy. Married for 4 years, mostly happy! I suffred a miscarriage in March 2002, which triggered depression and I was put on Prozac later that year. Stayed on Prozac throughout my pregnancy, and was diagnosed with mild PNI by a horrible HV May last year, and have my Prozac does doubled. This made me a zombie, so I reduced does and came off Prozac before trying for baby 2. We started trying October 2004 and were succesful in December. I never really dlet with my PNI, I knew I hated being a mum to a newborn, lukcily though I still bonded and love my son dearly. But I wanted to 'get it right' hence my desire for another baby son soon (My sone will be just under 20 months old when his baby brother arrives!). however, now I am scared, and very low. I am worried about the PNI coming back and being worse, and am in a terrible state - crying all the time, scared to go out. This was all triggered 3 weeks ago by a stupid thing. when my son was 5 weeks old my HV held a 'new mum's group' which was held over 3 weeks - just a couple of hours on a Tuesday. After the last session lots of people asid 'let's get together' and the HV got us all to write down our phone numbers and copied the sheet for us all. I made a few calls to arrnage a get together, and left several messages, but got no replies. Then at the baby clinic a few week slater i saw 3 of the mums, and they were chatting, so I sat by them but they refused to allow me to join the conversation. It was clear they were all meeting up and had ignored my calls, but to give them the benfit of the doubt I then called them again ... said I got the impression they met up and could I join them. got 2 calls back, one saying she was moving south and the other said she was too busy, always going up North to see her family. She said they only saw each other when they 'bumped into each other walking their dogs' which I didn't believe. Anway, i was very hurt and I think this was the start of the PNI. was I a bad person? Why did these ladie that had only met me a few times hate me? Was my son going to grow up without any mates as his mum was so unliked? I refused to go out. My son was ill so I had to go to the baby clinc, and saw another mum for the group that I hadn't called (she wasn't a new mum - she has 7 kids but was new to the area) she aksed how I was and was friendly so later that week I called her, she called me, we met up and now i am her daughter's godmother and we are 'best friends' I suppose, text daily, see each other everyweek. She helped me get out and about, and I thought all was ok. 3 weeks ago my son moved up a stage in Tumble Tots, and as we walked in on the first session the 2 horrible mums that snubbed me before were there (so she didn't move to Devon!) they kept looking at me, and staring and sblack personed) I got home after the class and cried my eyes out. I went the following week adn they were the same, so I was too scared to go this week. I have gone from confident and happy to go out, to scared and lonely just like last year. We only have another 2 sessions paid for at Tumble tots so my husband said don't go if it makes me so upset and find another activity (I am a member of the NCT and my local group have lots of coffee mornigns but I feel such an unlikeable failure that i put off going). So we are up to date, I am lonely and scared to go out.
I am going to see my GP tomorrow and see what she suggests. I dont' want to go back on antiD's but feel that may be how it goes - if not now after my son's arrival in September.
I look forward to chatting, I know I'll need uspport and I'll try not to be too ME ME ME, and offer friendship adn support too! I recently posted on a website in the pregnancy section, but found it really bitchy and horrid. I am haivng a hard time, adn was told I was ungratful for moaning about my health problems I should just be grateful I am pregnant. I am grateful, I love my son and will love this son when he arrives. Being a mum is the best thing I have ever done, and I wouldn't change it. But physically due to my back injury it is hard (I damaged my pelvis and lower spine in a car accident 11 years ago, so normal life is painful, pregnancy agony. told not to have kids, but i did. I ahve to deliver by c/section as a labour could be too damaging).
Anyway, now you knwo me and my story, and I look forward to reading about you!
Lisa
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Post by angel on Jul 7, 2005 14:34:55 GMT
hi I'm 27 and i have two children a boy who is three and a baby girl four months. I have also had similar experiences at mother and baby groups and things like that so i try not to go now i only pop down to get my baby weighed i have not been diagnosed with PND but i guess thats what i have as i feel so low all the time and cry lots. I'm too frightened to go to the doctors and i don't have any close friends to talk to. But i have found that this forum really helps it makes me feel not so alone to know that so many other people are going through similar things and i have also had some good advise from here. Hope this helps in some way I'm here if needed and big hugs are coming your way.
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Post by Veritee on Jul 7, 2005 17:26:26 GMT
Dear Lisa I really felt for your description of the 'new mums group'
I actually have a very similar tale of being snubbed because I just did not 'fit in' and even though it was 15 years ago now - it still hurts sometimes when I think of it!
I was actualy asked to leave my Mother and babies/playgroup because this certain group of mums who did not take to me, could to cope with my talking about my PNI.
I was mortified - I felt like an 'unclean ' person and yes it did drive me into not goign out foe a while for fear of not being accepted.
I was trying to educate people about PNI by this stage as I had realised by then that I was not the only one and many more must be suffering in silence but that PNI carried great stigma.
Well I did not 'fit in' with this group anyway - but talking about PNI ( and about this time I started to contribute to a book about PNI too and was in the local papers about it) went down like a led balloon.
But this group of women felt Post Natal Illness ( or any suggestion that having children was nto wonderful in every way) was not a suitable topic of conversation in the playgroup and actually requested that I was asked to leave-
I guess anyone reading this would think that my behaviour must have been really out of order or something - but believe me it was not, I just did not fit in from the first and by refusing not to share my PNI this made me a really taboo person for the cosy playgroup where issues were not discussed.
Well they were not the only people at the playgroup and my position was eventually defended by some other women who are still my good friends 15 years later - so at the playgroup I stayed .
Because I continued to live in the same area and my child went to the same schools as these mother's children, I continued to feel in their presence that they felt I was a second class citizen.
This ceased to bother me once I recovered from PNI and I now have a working relationship with all of them ie I will be polite when I see them and ask how their children are - many of whom took their GCSEs with my daughter.
And had I not had PNI their attitude towards me would not have worried me at all, as it does not now.
After all we can not all get on with everyone and I recognise that in the main the mothers that snubbed me come basically from a different social group than I and the women who became my friends
- the simple explanations that they were 'middle class' with 'middle' incomes and 'middle of the road' in their lifestyle and their culture was 'middle' england in that they were not cornish working class like most of my friends now, on benefit or single parents an fthey were very 'straight laced ' in their dress and outlook.
( sorry this sounds very judgemental but I do not know any other way of describing how it seemed at the time , I have since found that they all have their concerns and they did not all find looking after their children easy - it just helped them to pretend that it was at the time)
and I, while these days we have an reasonable income have never really fitted into this category ie middle anything - being that my ethnic origins that I am very proud of is ‘gypsy’ , I am a bit of a throwback punk/hippy and dress like one at times , pink hair for the last 20 years an eyebrow peicing etc ( sorry to anyone that does not approve!!) and I am very outspoken hence my speaking out about my PNI to all who would listen and many who would not! I do swear occasionally when heated about something
- I don’t know maybe I am just looking for explanations as to why I did not fit in - but one thing is for sure is I defiantly did not fit in with this particular group of women who were the backbone of local playgroups and other social meetings for women in my community with young children.
But these days I do not care one bit and I live totally in harmony with the same women - one even became a teacher at my daughter’s school - with no bad feeling on either side.
But I guess what I am trying to say is that when you first have a baby and especially when you have PNI you so much want to be accepted by other mums - all other mums - that something like this can really set you back.
I remember being literally 'scared' to go to the playgroup because these women did not want me there and in my state with PNI I just could not face their disapproval.
So I totally relate to what you are going through and what set off your not being able to go out in the first place.
But I doubt this caused your PNI - that these women mattered may have been a symptom of your PNI?
All I can suggest from experiencing something similar is that you concentrate on the women you have met since that are supportive - the mum of 7 sound great!
and try to accept that you can not get on with everyone and it is nothing you have done and it does not make you a not OK person if this particular group of women do not want to accept you into their group.
You have been unlucky to meet up with them more than once but if it is anything like my area - all the same mums are at every activity.
But these women will not be the only women with children in your communitee - they trick is to meet the others who also do nto feel they fit in wiht this group!!
When you have PNI you can get a little obsessed with things and want to get on with people you other wise would not bother with - well this was what I did anyway.
This can be overcome and you certainly are not a failure.
We hope you can find support here and acceptance
All the best
Veritee
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mrsb
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mrsb on Jul 9, 2005 14:09:28 GMT
Just to update you all! I went to see my GP yesterday, and cried again (that is all i do at the moment) she was really lovely. I am back on Prozac 1 x 20mg daily. She feels I came off it too soon last time (she was on a sabatical so a locum saw me) and she would feel happier if I was on it. So I came home, cried again, and discussed it with my husband, he agreed that I should be taking it so i took the first tablet yesterday. Obviously it is too soon for it to be working, but the fact that I am talking about my feelings with my husband, GP and you ladies, is making me feel better. I do not feel alone anymore. I saw my chiropractor this morning for my back injury, so am in a lot of pain and can't stay online long, but I just wanted to update you. Veritee - you sound very colour and great fun. so much better than being grey and dull Maybe oneday I'll be brave and colourful, I am very 'middle class' I guess (good income, 3 bed semi, people carrier..) but can be outspoken and too the point, and try not to judge. These ladies at my mum's group seemed judgmental. For exmaple, they disliked me (that questioned the HV and disagreed with her in public) and the lady that is now my best friend - she is black, was 37 and mum to 7 (4 kids with husband 1, 3 with husband 2 and now pregnant so baby 8 or 8&9, as she has 2 sets of twins already!) ... they obviously found her alien too! So we are two aliens together! anyway, back to bed. Talk more soon L x
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Post by Veritee on Jul 9, 2005 22:24:13 GMT
Oh mrsb
I did not mean to judge - I do not feel like this about any of the women I mentioned these days and as I live in the same small community I still know most of them!
- I was just trying to convey to you how it felt for me at the time. I am good neighbors if not close friends with them all now!
But they did seem to judge me and hurt me at the time I suppose - but I now realize that it was because I had PNI and was vulnerable that the fact I did not fit in with their group mattered - it would never matter now as I accept we do not fit in with everyone and every one has their own friendship groups.....
Yes I am a 'bit' colorful, but I am middle class too in that we have a good income and I too have a big car, nice home - I am worried I came over like I was categorizing people and judging them ?
It was not meant, my post was entirely about how I felt when I was really suffering with PNI and felt that I just did not fit in and no one liked me - I guess it was my stuff - sorry
But when I had PNI - PNI destroyed my self confidence - made me so sensitive to others opinions and I was just so desperate to 'fit in'
something I really do not care about very much now.
But then if anyone was judgmental - it really affected me
As I said what I did which helped - was stay with the women who were not judgmental and accepted me pink hair and all - we all formed a special bond that now nearly 15 years later is still there and now are children are practically grown - we still support one another.
Please do not think I was making a class judgment - this was not intended - it was just about my PNI stuff- about how when I had PNI I was desperate to fit in with all mums or similar aged children
- I felt that if I fitted in this would somehow prove I was a good mum as I felt so much that I was a bad mum. That I somehow did not match up to mums that seemed to be enjoying being a mum and finding it easy - so I felt if they accepted me it would all be OK and when they did not I had all sorts of explanations as to why they did not
ie class, culture, background , lifestyle
but had I been well it would not have worried me one bit as we all can not fit in with everyone and I had not up the them - so why should I now I had a baby??
I am sure this is not how it was for you - but I just wanted to say I felt t I did not fit in too and it mattered when I had PNI and \i can understand how you felt when the group of women at the 'new mums group' did not accept you.
It is very hurtful and the last thing you can take when you are so vulnerable
all the best
Veritee
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mrsb
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mrsb on Jul 10, 2005 19:16:19 GMT
No, veritee, I wasn't thinking you were judging, I am sorry if you thought that. I was trying to say that maybe because I speak my mind - and had an elective c/section which they seemed to disaprove off, emergency c/setion Ok, planned not ok- I didn't fit their 'mould' as you found with your group!
anyway, got to dash, a ton of ironing to do. I am slowly starting to do a bit more at home, thank goodness! But I just wanted to say you hadn't offended me and I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I seem to always come across wrong, probably why I have so much trouble communicating and making friends.
Take care
Lisa
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Post by Veritee on Jul 13, 2005 14:12:13 GMT
Not at all-
you do not come across wrong at all!
It is just I find it difficult when only typing and not speaking to someone to know if I explained myself right - so sometimes I check it out.
I think we all when we have pNI feel we come across wrong ( which is another reason I want to make sure what I say is clear)
or that we have trouble in communicating or making friends.
I thin this is because PNI hits your self confidence and self esteem so badly
Thats one of the reasons we exist - to be on line friends until you get up your confidence.
So do not worry I was not offended - just checking out thats all.
I speak my mind too and rarely 'fit the mold' we seem similar?
How are you today?
I really admire you for doing the ironing! This is something I avoid even now.
Congratulations on feeling able to do a bit more around the home though.
It is not easy anyway with young children around to get tasks done - so well done you! I hope you got piles of ironing done....
all the best
Veritee
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mrsb
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mrsb on Jul 13, 2005 19:18:50 GMT
Hi Veritee
I am doing good today (got cross once with Luke, but generally calmer) - allbeit way too hot! It is about 29degrees which is too much for me and my 30 weeks preg bump! L is also not happy with the heat! He has a horrible heat rash so resorted to giving him Piriton tonight to calm it down.
I did the ironing, and today I vacummed downstairs .. little steps but each one counts towards the marathon we are running! yesterday we went to Hot Tots at the local Leisure Center, L had great fun climbing, running around and we met up with a friend - her son was born the same day at L, and she is pregnant, due about 10 days after me, such a coincidence that we are doing it all again at the same time, we compare notes and it is so funny as our boys are like two peas in a pod - 3 weeks ago they both had ear infections within days of each other!
Right, off for an early night - the air conditioning unit has been in our bedroom for 40 minutes so it should be bearable up there! Hope you are well?
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Post by wendabell 1 on Jul 13, 2005 19:44:02 GMT
hi rhere lisa, its good to hear from a fellow midlander, im in coventry where abouts are you? I just read your story top to bottom and i have to say i too have met simular people that judge to easily in life and it annoys the hell out of me. for example recently i have been involved in a collection for my sons nursery teacher as she is leaving. Me and another mum is doing the collection and she said not to bother asking the mums that we have from africa that have only been in the country about a year because they wont give towards the collection. of course how wrong, the ones i have approached seemed most grateful i actually talked to them as i think they are alienated quite abit, proberbly due to the fact they still wear traditional african wear( which is beautiful and colourful). But i too have been snubbed as well,it hurts. It takes me a while to get to know someone and feel confident with them and relaxed as i am quite shy really and i do panic about meeting new people and talking.So i suppose i come across as ignorant at first even though i do try it all comes out wrong so i get left in the corner. But i am glad that you have found a fellow mum and boy with so many simularities its nice when that happens. love and hugs wendy x.x.x
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