How long will this last?

[alex]

Hi everyone,

Really glad to find this website tonight and felt real comfort in your accounts of PNI, as I too am suffering big style at the mo. Since the birth of my beautiful daughter 8 months ago, I had totally tried to 'put on a brave face' to everyone that things were cool - even tried to deceive myself that I was enjoying motherhood, but the truth was that I hated nearly every moment of it as felt inadequate as a mother and also felt I had a difficult baby (still do!). I did, however, feel lucky that my pregnancy and birth were pretty straight forward and was really up for the idea of motherhood ...however unfortunately shortly after my daughters birth (4 days old) she fell off the bed and banged her head. We ended up in a&e that night and thankfully she was fine, except for a bump on the head, however myself and my partner were beside ourselves with anxiety. I guess this is where things headed down hill for me, coupled with a baby who developed reflux and therefore puked most of her feeds up which meant I had to breast feed 24/7 (or felt like!) until she was 4 months old. I put all my negative feelings down to tiredness and broken sleep, but realised when she was pretty much sleeping through the night that there was alot more going on... took another 2 months of feeling isolated, detached, bad mother, difficult baby etc until I saw my DR and spoke about how I was really feeling. DR was really positive in saying that PNI is very treatable with medication and talking therapy. So got started on ???course of Prozac (20 mg per day) and seeing a pycho - therapist. Seemed to feel loads better after about 4 weeks, but 3 months into things now and I seem to be hitting another down patch so have upped medication to 40 mg per day, but not sure if that is the answer and now asking you ladies - how long does this last.....

[wendabell]

hello alex and welcome,
How long varies from woman to woman im afraid but we do recover.for me its through 6years and 3 children for others a hec of a lot less.
Yes sometimes it is nessecary to up or even change medication as some work better for some and not others.
Please read some of the other ladies postings as it will show you the range of times it takes.But we will recover and you must tell yourself that.
Oooh i remember the first time my first rolled off the sofa, the panic and guilt and the fear of am i a good parent. well the answer is of course yes. Bumps happen,and as they get older more and more.My 22 months old fell off the garden slide today and had a bleeding knee.i felt very guilty as i just popped in to get the laundry when it happened.But hey it happens.
My first also suffered a reflx and used to projectile vomit across a room like an olympic event.She was a little monkey too as i breast fed but she only would feed in a sitting up perched on my lap position and no midwife could convince her otherwise so i too had a stressul time there.I questioned if it was me as it was my first child but no...just her being picky.It didnt help either as she was so hungry cos of the vomitting.
I felt almost like a pirate with a parrot on his sholder i sat on the sofa with her perched and latched on my lap. an unusual site.
Hang in there though it doesnt last forever as they grow their sphincter muscle will stop relaxing and the vomitting will stop.
love and hugs
wendy x.x.x

[Hi Wendy]

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It's good to know that I;m not on my own in feeling like this and that it won't last forever!

The hardest thing that I have found is that other women that I have met in baby groups are not prepared to really talk about PNI and always paint a picture of how good things are. But I know this can;t always be the case? But only serves to make me feel worse as a mother and that my baby is difficult too.

Will keep you guys posted....

[wendabell]

hi again,
I think society in general paints the perfect picture of how life is supposed to be with kids.
Look around you at all the tv adverts, mum and baby magazines telling you how everything is to be done.The programs on positive parenting...the list goes on.
They should have a program on tv for parenting with pni. That would shake the world up a bit eh
But yes pni is still a taboo subject but its getting more talked about freely now.But still frowned upon when mums talk of their perfect routine with thier babies........well like i am going to believe everything they say.
I think mums are too scared to say about anything that goes wrong in case they dont fit in with their peer group.But chances are everyone experiences difficulties, pni or no pni i just think it is enhaced in our case sometimes and it feels like we are the only ones suffering with our kids.But truth is we work so much harder at being a good parent as we feel so crap all the time.
Oooh i will get off me soap box now didnt mean to ramble.
But yes plesase keep us posted, you are not alone.
love wendy x.x.x

[monica]

Hello and welcome

You sound as if you are doing so well (even if you don't feel you are). Well done for going to the drs. Many women find that such a struggle; even admitting to yourself that things aren't right can be hard.

I've had PNI since October 2004, when my babe was 4 months old. It was about 3 months before I took meds. I started on citalopram 10mg, felt better then bad again, so my meds were upped to 20mg. I generally feel so much better now, but still have difficult patches, which sometimes seem to coincide with PMS.

I can certainly relate to the pressure of being the perfect mother. I have 2 kids and was fine after my first. I found adapting to two such a shock even both of them were very good. I wanted so desperately to enjoy the whole motherhood experience and it seemed that eveyone around me with kids was doing so well and so happy. I love my children to bits, but felt knackered, that I was forever chasing my tail and rushing without a minute to myself and felt as a failure. I think motherhood can be so difficult.

I hope things get better for you.

Monica

[Hi]

Thanks Monica - so true about the whole ideal in society of motherhood. I definately think this should be decontructed by doing a program on the realities, with particular focus on PNI, as it might mean that women like myself won;t feel like social outcasts...
One of main other main issues I have, is that my family are unable to support me at this time as there is a history of past and current depression/alcolholism. Which means that I tend to keep them all at a distance as can;t cope with their issues too right now (as have always been used as the family therapist).... so that does make me feel more isolated, even though I have a supportive husband and friends....
So great to have this website and look forward to feeling better soon.....
P.S Has anyone read Elaine Hanzak's account of PNI? Really brave and amazing account....took real courage and is really inspiring....so to is Brooke Shields book - When the Rain Came down....