I'm new to this and would love some help!

[jc]

My name is Jane, I'm 39 and have two children, Mia who's five and Pip who's two in August. I've been suffering with what has been diagnosed in the first few weeks after giving birth as PND/PTSD. I haven't been on medication since last Sept as none of what was prescribed really helped and so for the last 23 months my life has been mainly hell. I not as depressed as I was but struggle every day with the awful panicky feelings and this is what I find the hardest. I have a loving husband, two beautiful children but most days I still find myself in my own little world thinking that life isn't going to get better ...... I can't bear arranging things as I never know how I'm going to feel and I feel that if only those awful physical symtoms were to subside, I'd be able to cope. Does anyone out there have those awful feelings of not being able to breathe ........ I'm so worried that this has turned from PND into a form of agoraphobia. It just want my life back again. I used to be a professional musician/singer and sang with a big 40's band, and now if I manage to get to TESCO's without having a panic attack I think I've done well. I feel I must have done something terribly wrong to have deserved this illness ..........

[yorkslass]

First of all let me say welcome to the site.
You say you have been on medication for 23mths and it not really working, have you been back to see your GP since and told them this as there are many different tablets out there and some that suit one may not suit another it took a few different ones for them to wprk on me and now they think I may need them changing again, also the dose could be upped.

Not being nosey but why did you stop medication not that I have anything against women who decide to stop.

I can understand you having trouble getting out and about as this is a big part of my PNI which I am working on with suport of a wonderful lady who visits me I was in fear of it getting agoraphobia.

You said

I feel I must have done something terribly wrong to have deserved this illness ..........

You have done nothing wrong to deseve this illness none of us have , it can affect anyone, who has given birth to a child.

PNI/PND can affect the rich and the poor the famous and the everyday mum.

I hope this forum is a good suport for you as it has fetched me through some rough times.

Take care and post as often as you need to

Melx

[Veritee]

Hi Jane

I am sorry I did not reply before - but I would like to welcome you to the forum now.
This posts just crossed with Mel's reply to you so we are both replying together!

As all the support we do is voluntary and in our own time I am afraid that sometimes it goes like this - that we get times when not many are around on the forum and others when many are at one time.

Many women with PNi feel less that their problem is depression and more that it is anxiety and agoraphobia is a common problem with PNI.

I used to be scared of making dates to do anything in case I let people down or had a panic attack in front of people

I really understand the feeling of wanting your life back and a trip to Tescos being an achievement

- I too felt just like that

but you will!

I will not say you will not be unchanged by becoming a mother and having PNI - everything that happens in life has an affect on you but this does not have to be negative

I hope this forum will be supportive for you and that you will talk some more

All the best

Veritee

[cheshire]

Hi.

I would just like to say something in response to your question:

'''Does anyone out there have those awful feelings of not being able to breathe''

I have just written something about this on another thread as I had breathing problems too. I have been in hospital for an ECG and heart scan twice because at times my breathlesness became so severe. They could find nothing 'wrong'. I found it hard to relieve it - probably should have taken anti-ds but didn't. All I know is that your breathing does regularise again in time. I'm trying to think what helped as the onset of breathlessness was unpredicatable and could go on for up to 48 hrs.

- exercise sometimes helped in that I was so worn out by bed time - I literally 'crashed out' (although other nights I could not sleep at all until about 6am)
- I found talking to someone helpful -either on the phone or to my husband -even at 4am. I sometimes spent time at 4am speaking to a triage nurse. It didn't take it away completely, but I stopped worrying about it if you know what I mean and became less aware as I focused on something else.

I was given some telephone numbers you can use when breathless or if having a panic attack (although I don't think one necessarily leads to another -only my opinion!) by NHS Direct. Happy to share these with you.

- I also took sleeping tablets - my GP assured me that it was safe with regards to breathing - I did sleep better, I must admit.

Hope this helps in some way.

[amandar]

Hiya JC,

Agrophobia is horrible as it sort of just creeps up on you without you realising. My son is just 17 months and I have recently been diagnosed with PND although I have probably had it for months. The anxiety and fear of going out really stresses me out. I did go through a stage of not going anywhere. I have been on medication for 3 weeks now and am starting to feel a bit better. I have managed a couple of trips to the shops and even went back to work after nearly 4 weeks off. I cried all the way to the office but after being there a few hours I calmed down a little bit......still early days but things do get better and that is what you have to tell yourself.

Take care

Amandar

[jc]

Thaks for replying everyone ..... it's nice to know that I'm not going mad. The reason I stopped taking medication was that I was on a drug called trazadone for 8months, this had little effect. Eventually I got an appointment with "mental health" who told me that those particular drugs were doing nothing so they swapped me to cipralex. These made me worse .....I couldn't sleep, eat and really all I did was lay on the floor thinking that I was going to die. Eventually after trying these for nearly a month they replaced them with diazapem. I was in such a state, I couldn't even function. The diazepam were great until I had to come off them. Unfortunately, nobody told me that coming off them would be as bad as the symptoms I had before being put on them. I didn't sleep for two whole weeks and my poor family had to come and look after me and the children everyday as I couldn't be left on my own. It finally took two months before I started to calm down and my sleeping pattern return a little. This is the reason why a CAN'T bear the thought of taking any medication again. Although sometimes I think I wish there was a magic pill I could have, I can't put myself or my family through that again. I'm just going to have to get through this with the love and support of the people around me. So I thank you for being part of that support and I think I know that eventually I will get my life back!

[yoyo]

jc

You sound like you're already making the right moves, you sound positive in your desire to beat PNI. Well done. It's a hard old fight sometimes but you WILL get there. The highs don't last but remember that neither do the lows (even though they're longer at first).

I can understnad where you're coming from with not wanting to go back to medication. I found that coming off one anti-depressant was worse than the symptoms it was supposed to be releiving too!! I turned to herbal medicine & acupuncture and for me that's been a real help. There are alternatives that may help you just to get through this horrid illness, you don't necessarily have to resort to meds. Just got to find what works for you.

Hope you're having a slightly better time, well done & hang in there.

[amandar]

Hiya jc

When I first went to my gp about my bad thoughts and agrophobia I was prescribed diazepan.......I took it for a week because I trusted the gp and it turned me into a quivering wreck, it made the agrophobia worse, I was up there with the fairies......it was awful.............then I went back to the gp and saw somebody else who was more sympathetic........he made me come off the diazepan.....and yes the withdrawal symptoms were horrible (worse than before I took them) but it took a couple of weeks to calm down.....then I went back to the gp and saw somebody else.............who prescribed Fluoextine............and I have been taking them for about 3 weeks now...........I had a couple of side effects like feeling very sick etc................but I got over that and now am feeling a tad better.........after 4 weeks of being off work I can now face going into the office (ok so I work just 3 days a week).........but it is better........I have always hated the thought of medication..........and after the diazepan it nearly killed me off..but I am now getting a little better and feel more relaxed..............I have been told now that I could be on this medication for at least 6 months....................but hey.............if it helps in the long run, it is better................so just keep on there.

Lots of love

Amandar

[collette]

hi there Jc
I too just wanted to welcome you to the forum and to say that you sound very positive about how you are dealing with your symptoms.

I can identify with what you were saying about goign to tescos being an ordeal and yet before you could get on stage and sing and play music to an audience.

this is a strange irony to me because when i was in the depths of pni i too found doing the supermarket etc v v hard and even panicked when i had to take jacob out for a walk and he would start to cry. i would be in tears in a heap as well.
but things do get easier bit by bit and especially if you are getting professional help and support. You haven't done anything wrong and i too felt like that but we need to remember that we have not inflicted this upon ourselves, it has happened to us.

and yes you will get your life back, slowly but surely things do change i can certainly testify to that. i am not great all the time but i have more than my life back at the moment but recovering from these things is like baby steps and you need to give yourself time and be easy on yourself.

hope this is of some help
all my love
collettex

[yoyo]

Jc - how are you doing? Missed you on here x