pohlpoggen
New Member
3 kids, 18 and 16 yr old girls and 9 yr old boy..2 cats of 15 and 4yrs old
Posts: 7
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Post by pohlpoggen on Jul 23, 2005 14:30:38 GMT
hello, i thought i would join after exchanging emails with veritee on another site. i will introduce myself, i am janet and 41, i have two girls of 18 and 16 and a boy of 9 TODAY ;D my 16 yr old has been horrendous to bring up, she is autistic spectrum difficulties with psychotic tendencies and dyslexia, so things havent been easy, although she is doing good now, with lots of hard work from both of us. I had a late miscarriage at 5 months, 17 yrs ago, and although i moved on i always still think of her, so it never goes away. I suffered PND after my last child, it took a long time to diagnose, and i wasnt diagnosed till late on when i was at my worst!! I suppose i was in denial, i was horrendous and it caused my marriage to breakdown.I also put on weight and went to 18 stone, due to meds and depression, which i have lost now.I did and said terrible things while depressed, and was threatened with hospitalisation, if i didnt co operate! so i ended up going to "the fruitcake club" (this is what we all called it.It was a godsend, i met some fantastic women there, all at different levels of recovery, and it was the turning point, to prove i wasnt mad, and there was a way out.I thought i had done some wicked things, but when i joined and after a few weeks when i decided i would participate in the group, instead of sitting and being a total absolute %$*&, and being totally angry and nasty, i spoke to these women, and realised i was quite normal after all.It didnt cure me, but helped me. I also found a fantastic doctor, who himself had suffered depression, so he understood, as at the time i was being told "to pull myself together" "women have babies all the time", or "i have kids and never suffered, its in your head"..so was lovely to hear that i wasnt alone. i dont know what i can bring to the forum, an understanding when you think you have gone crazy, or wont get through, as i know it is an horrendous time, i wont be shocked, as like i said i did some wicked things!! my daughters remember me being ill, which is my one regret, but they now always refer to things as "it was at the time you were a looney", well now i can laugh about it, but back then i couldnt.sorry for rambling, and if i can help at all i will ,
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Post by Veritee on Jul 23, 2005 14:55:23 GMT
Hi there pohlpoggen
It is lovely to see you here - I know you could bring a lot to this forum.
You have got through and you have survived - but you are still in touch with how it felt?
This is so needed - women on here really need to know that they will get better, that their children will not grow up resenting them for your PNI and they will grow up loving and respecting you and to be great people.
My daughter and I also have a bit of a joke about when I was a 'looney' - but I have to admit to still having 'issues ' personally with the effect PNI had on my life.
I am very interested in the "the fruitcake club" that you went to!
Who was it run by? - I assume it was a 'service users 'group run by the mental health team for people with depression and not specifically for PNI or an organization with similar aims?
But if it was specifically for PNI I am even more interested as there is so little generally like this for women with PNI- it would be interesting to know if this is still running and if others could access this group today?
Another thing you can offer is that
' i wont be shocked'
so many of us when we have PNI thing and feel things that we feel if we told anyone the consequences would be drastic.
Women still very much fear i=that if they tell anyone how they feel - their children will be taken into care for instance.
yet when we have PNI we really NEED to talk about how we feel and the effect it is having on us and our families.
The things that we are scared to tell anyone are different for everyone - using myself as an example I planned my daughters death by my own hand regularly and the words I used when angry to a defenseless young child were shocking.
For me this was years ago - but everyday new women come on here, scared to tell anyone what they really feel or even what they really do!
I started this forum as a place where you could begin to tell your story and survivors could help those suffering now - but in safety
If you want to join us in that
you are very welcome
Veritee
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pohlpoggen
New Member
3 kids, 18 and 16 yr old girls and 9 yr old boy..2 cats of 15 and 4yrs old
Posts: 7
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Post by pohlpoggen on Jul 23, 2005 16:25:24 GMT
Hi My son has gone with his dad today for a few weeks,and feels strange without him already!His dad dosnt keep contact only when it suits, so this is the first time in 2 years that my boy has been away, so is going to be weird, but i am also looking forward to doing things i want to do for a change.
This group i went to "fruitcake club", was run in catterick by a health visitor. I know it was fairly new when i went to it, and most of us were from forces families, although we had a few civilians in the club to. It was initially set up, as the HV herself had suffered PND, and it was for a time to see how well it would work.It was very successful, and the women actually turned up week after week. I am not sure if it is still running,but we were fairly isolated in catterick and with military doctors who didnt "understand" women!So i think it was initially a pilot scheme, and i suppose due to military postings, the HV herself would have moved on. Not that it would stop another HV, or even a mother, woman setting one up, as it wasnt or needed to be run by professionals.It was mainly so we could meet with other women in our situation, share experiences not feel isolated and make some friends into the bargain, people who understood. it was held in a room attached to the hospital ( i think this is because she was HV, and could get access to one), but any room would do. I will try to explain what we did...nothing...lol My first time i was reluctant to go, but didnt want to go to hospital, so i went.( i didnt want to go to hospital, not because of my baby, but because my daughter of 7 at the time had undiagnosed problems, and no one understood her, and i felt i was the only one who could protect her) we all sat in a large circle in comfy chairs, kids went along to, and the HV would go round the room asking if anyone wanted to introduce themsleves and explain a bit about there ilness.There was no pressure if you didnt want to, we went to the next person. I refused to speak for weeks to these "so called people who didnt understand".But i also listened to the other women, and it was like a breath of fresh air.Two women, who went on to be very good friends of mine, and are fully recovered and back in fantastic jobs went on to explain what they had done!the first friend, was very posh and looked really well dressed, she spoke posh to, (this is relevant), she was also very rich, had more than what i ever had, yet as she had been diagnosed and been getting treated for 2 yrs, she was able to talk more freely.She had tried killing her child, she had tried stabbing her husband, at this my other friend joined in and laughed and said " i did that to", this made me sit up and gawp, as i thought wow, they are just like me, it sounds like me....this is when i decided this group was for me. We became friends, they took me to mother and toddler,(which they ran also) they assured me no one would laugh at me, be cruel to me, they also ran the group so did not tolerate bitching, which was a relief.I also found out after, most of the mothers at the toddler group had also attended the fruitcake club!!! It was named this, as like they said, we were different, and some women outside who had not suffered PND classed it as this, people seemed not to want to mix with us, in case they caught, whatever we had!! This group was on for 2 hours a week only, and it was a godsend.They told me not to worry that if i ever didnt feel like meeting them, for pre arranged coffee etc, they would not be offended if at the last minute i let them down, they had been there and like they said, from one day to the next you never know how you will feel.Some days i would get up and be happy, clean the house go shopping and appear totally normal, then in a flash i would slump, i would be miserable or manic, i did develop OCD, and i used to stay up all night cleaning and bleaching my house, (i even took the paint off the walls)i also had a fellow sufferer across the road, who did the same, she used to pop over if my lights were on for a coffee at 3am, nothing out of the ordinary to us, but strange and weird to our husbands/neighbours. So the group was basically a free for all, you either chatted and shared experiences or you didnt, but nearly all the women would eventually join in, as we all had the one thing in common PND.So no medical qualifications were required for this group, and the women used to basically run the group as the further on you were , were more experienced, but the over whelming feeling of being accepted and welcomed the first time i went, actually made me cry, that i had found somewhere, other people who had been there.To this day i often wonder what would have become of me if i hadnt found this group, as i attended for about 18 months, before i decided i was going to go it alone, as by this time, i had decided on my next move, which with my new found health and braveness, i packed up my house, left my husband and moved back south with 3 young children in tow...and i am still here today. I have often thought of setting up one of these groups, but i work full time and would find it difficult, i also need to work full time, for my sanity. ( i still feel worthless if i do not work)It is a shame there are not more of these groups, as i truly beleive it helped me, just the talking about it, the listening to others experiences..although, when i meet anyone with PND, i do get quite scared as i remember like yesterday what it was like, and it is truly something i never want to experience again. Maybe we should all badger the HV, to set up these groups, as i know for fact we have not got one in our area, as it is still an ilness which is shunned in a lot of places.Although anti depressants are a good factor and do help, they are not a cure, and being with other human beings and listening to them is a tonic in itself. I hope i have explained this well, as i tend to write how i speak) janet
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Post by Veritee on Jul 23, 2005 19:26:01 GMT
You have explained it perfectly!
and you have done it without fear and honestly.
I too relate so much to so much of what you said.
That HV who started the group was wonderful - and I doubt she really understood how wonderful and unique she was! I hope she is still working and justly rewarded for her efforts!
There are a few groups as you describe around the country . But unfortunately they only exist usually because of one dedicated women who suffered PNI herself and just happened to be professionally a HV or Nurse or GP or community or sure start worker or whatever
and has been able to use her professional status and her experience of PNI to start something like this.
When these groups happen they are so great for those who get the opportunity to attend
But what I would like to see ( like you ) as these groups being 'main stream' and available for all women with PNI.
Until this happens we can only do our best. (I used my professional position as a youth & community worker to run groups for women with PNI as well but I am no longer employed)
But I have fund raised some money specifically for this I am again starting such a group in my local town in the autumn - and I know a few from this forum have gone on to start groups like this for themselves and a couple I know are working on starting a group like this as we speak.
I had to laugh at your description of coffee at 3 pm
I did this too with someone in my village who did not in fact have PNi but was manic for different mental health reasons!
So we would meet up in the middle of the night - me with baby asleep in a buggy - for a cup of tea as if this was the most normal thing in the world and compare bleaching routines!!
I do hope you stick around as you describe your group as a bit of fresh air but you are on here too a breath of fresh air as you are recovered and .....
you feel able to say about the reality of women who tried to kill their partners etc and understand that this was not who they were but PNI and they got better as you and I did!!
perhaps I will call the group I am starting in autumn ' the fruitcake club!!'
ATB Veritee
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Post by yorkslass on Jul 23, 2005 22:58:00 GMT
Thank you
You are like a breath of fresh air.
I would love to go to a group but can not find one near me.
I will one day when well start up one.
It is so great to meet a women who has come out the other wnd just like Veritee.
We would love you advice and suport on here.
Thank you Melx
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pohlpoggen
New Member
3 kids, 18 and 16 yr old girls and 9 yr old boy..2 cats of 15 and 4yrs old
Posts: 7
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Post by pohlpoggen on Jul 24, 2005 18:30:01 GMT
Hi Thanks veritee and yorkslass, i am glad i am welcome. If i can help anyone in any way i will be only to glad to, that includes email me for long emails back or calls, as i do know how hard it is finding someone who understands. I also hope i never come across as patronising, as it is so easy to do at times i fear, and it is the last thing anyone needs. So a quick, "oi and a kick up the bum", and i will check myself. Although i am recovered, and hopefully am quite normal, i have changed in myself! Some people thought not for the better, as i am very selfish now, with "my time".So if friends want to call they can, but only if it suits me.I do things my way, although it may be the wrong way, i also go by my own instincts now and trust them very much. I am a calmer person now, but i am also very good at "reading between the lines" now to.One thing people used to say to me was "if you need me call me, i will be there"!!!!...well not all cases but some, i know this means, "god i have to say something, but hope to god she dosnt call cos i wont know how to handle her"..lol....and i also know when you are at your lowest, people dont pick up on it, and you know you wont call, as you dont want to bother people and you also dont want them to know there is anything the matter!!! CAN I JUST ADD, THAT ALTHOUGH I AM RECOVERED, I STILL HAVE TIMES WHEN I FEEL OVERWHELMED BY THINGS, AND I TEND TO STEP BACK, RETREAT INTO MY SHELL AND HAVER A FEW DAYS OF ME TIME.......i think it is a healing process still which protects me. My ex husband picked up my son yesterday, and although i didnt realise, he still looks at me weird, and keeps his distance....i mentioned to my daughter about what was his problem, and she said, well last time you really saw each other you used to throw things at him and attack him.....lol...poor man, he dosnt understand that after 9 yrs you recover...lol
I think it is a good name for your group veritee...lol....."fruitcake club",,can you imagine when a doctor, HV, nurse has to refer a lady, "oh i am referring you to the fruitcake club"...lol
I also have read a few things on the site, not been round and read everything yet, and dont get time to read all the posts, but from what i see it is a fantastic site...WELL DONE.... and i hope i can help, even if it is knowing that some time in the future, you lovely ladies will come out the other end, there will be light and your kids will still love you the same, mine have survived, are all doing well and have had fantastic school results, so having a looney mum for a while never held them back. LOVE TO ALL JAN XXXXX
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collette
Senior Member
Jacob will be a year on the 1st September!!
Posts: 248
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Post by collette on Jul 24, 2005 19:08:22 GMT
hi there jan
can i just say welcome to the forum and your attitude is just wonderful. i thinkyou will be a real asset to this forum and i take my hat off to how you have came through this horrible illness.
i can agree with what u say about the me time thing. i find that even though i am recovering from pni if i have had a few busy days i need to follow that with a kind of chill out day if that is possible with a 10 and a half month old crawling baby!! but just a day to hang around the house etc.
anyhow welcome and feel free to share and support and remember we are here for you too chick.
all my love collette xxxx
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