struggling to cope with my 4 kids

[j]

hi all im from manchester and i have recently given birth to my 4th baby who is just gorgeous called adam .
The problem i have is that i am struggling to cope since i came home as i have no support from anyone. My hubby doesnt seem to understand how i am feeling which has caused lots of arguments. My mum lives in belfast and i dont have contact with my dad. My husbands family dont seem to want to help out at all and i find myself constantly screaming at my other 3 children who are 6 4 and 3. Since i came home from hospital all they seem to do is fight and ignore me when i tell them to stop. I am scared of going to the doctors as i dont want my children taken off me and as i have already said i cant talk to my husband cause he doesnt understand. My midwife doesnt know how i am feeling as i was scared to tell her and i have now been discharged over to my health visitor. I dont know where else to turn as i am on the end of my tether and all i seem to do is cry.

[cheshire]

hi J

You will find support on this site, sorry you're having a rough time.
You are amazing if you can cope with 4, I find it hard with 2!
Something that was told to me when I was bad was that health visitors are there to keep the family together - and I chose to trust this view..
I actually found my GP very helpful and in the end I told her everthing and it was only then that I got the right help.
I really would try to go to see a GP if you can face it. I saw 3 before I was satisfied that they understood my symptoms.
My husband is great but I think it must be very difficult to understand if you've never expereinced this immense pressure and the symptoms that go with it - maybe especially if you're male (?) maybe that is a sweeping generalisation. Actually I must admit I found friends without children to be more understanding for some reason and some of these are male I must admit..
Anyway I digress, just keep going back to the GP until you find some kind of help that makes you feel better.

Take care, Hopefulx

[angel]

WOW i think your amazing for managing with four children i had the same problems as you described when i had my daughter recently, i found myself shouting at my little boy all the time and mostly for no reason. Please don't worry about your children being taken from you cause they will do everything they can to keep you together. You really should talk to your health visitor or your doctor they will try to help, the health visitor may try to get you to fill in a Edinburgh's score all i will say about that is you have to be honest in your answers please don't just say what you think you should. Anyway hope things start to get better for you. Take Care

[Veritee]

Dear J

First of all - like everyone I think you are amazing to cope with so many children so soon after having a baby.

Do you have any help at all?

Even if he does not understand what you are feeling, does your husband not help at least with the practical stuff - after all you re still in a very vulnerable time, and any woman this soon after a baby needs some practical help ( it used to be called the lying in period - a time when new mothers were expected to rest and do nothing at all beyond care for their new baby for at least a month and ofter longer, we think things have improved but we do not have time for this in the modern world!)

If he does not help with the housework, and the children and give you a break from the baby, then he has to start - don't let him get away with this, these are his children too - I guess he wanted them - and 4 is too much for anyone without considerable help!

Anyway even if you do not have any help - please still be kind to yourself, and do the minimum - the housework etc can wait till a better time when you are feeling more on top of things.

But I have to respond to your saying

' I am scared of going to the doctors as i don't want my children taken off me '


If we had a pound for every time we have heard a woman say this or similar on the forum - this forum would be a well funded charity!!!

So many women with PNI just do not seek the help they need because they are frightened they will lose their children.

And believe me this is just not going to happen!

If you think about it why should it?
It does not matter what your thoughts are and how much you shout at your children at the moment unless you are consistently physically or otherwise abusing your children over time there is no one in the world who will want to take your children off you.

All you say is that you are constantly screaming at your children - well who of us with PNI have not screamed at someone?

we all wish we had not, but few under the stress of pNI have not done something they regret and wish they had not done - I only had one baby - and screamed mostly at my husband - but at the time I had her I had a 16 year old foster child ( not social services fostering but a private fostering arrangement between me and her mum) and I was very intolerant of her when I had PNI even though she actually would help me with my own baby.

I know you will think that this is not the same as this girl was older than your children- but I regretted my behavior as much as anyone.

No one on this forum has EVER had their children put into care unwillingly because they suffered PNI and this forum has been going some years now.

And this includes women who have had some very awful symptoms ( I had thoughts of killing my baby) other symptoms include, horrible thoughts, bazaar behavior, visions and hallucinations, some due to not coping with PNI have lost it and shouted and screamed at their children constantly and even punished them too hard physically and some have has psychotic symptoms which at times have been very worrying to their families and have had to be hospitalized - but no one has come along and put their children into care

( except at their request as a temporary fostering placement to give them a rest or so they could go int hospital) .

Most of the support and advise I have to offer on here is my opinion only but on this subject it is not just opinion -

I know you are in no danger of having your children taken into care because child protection training was part of my job as a professional youth worker for over 20 years and I am currently a Home Start visitor : www.home-start.org.uk so have recently had some more training on this

and until I retired due to a severe accident I worked professionally for many years with young families who's children were on the 'at risk' register, which means that their was strong evidence that they had abused or harmed their children or that they could potentially do so.

Take it from me, the only reason children get taken into care these days unwillingly ( of course parents do opt for voluntary fostering sometimes ie if they are single parents and are ill - some on this site have been hospitalized for PNI and have asked for temporary fostering and even when you request it this is hard to get as their are so few foster parents these days and virtually no children's homes ....

So please believe me there is no risk whatsoever that if you go to your GP because you think you have PNI, of having your children taken away from you!!!!


It is more likely that you would not get enough help and intervention than this would happen - women with PNI more often complain that too little happens when they seek help rather than too much!

Even if because of your mental health your behavior toward your children was abusive - the response would be to work with you over it for as long as it took, as it is obvious from what you have said here that you are a caring mum under great stress - not an abuser, I doubt that this would be necessary.

I am sorry to go on so much about this

But when I had PNI 16 years ago I too lived in fear it would lead me to lose the only daughter I was ever likely to have and I therefore did not get the help I so badly needed.

I am not saying that what a GP can offer you is the right treatment for everyone ie they usually offer Anti D's and other medication and sometimes Cognitive Behavior Therapy

But I very much urge you to go to your doctor and tell your Health Visitor.

Because if you are lucky and you have a sympathetic GP and HV, you can be offered much in terms of support and it is best that your family GP at least knows that you are suffering this - but at the very worse and your GP is not helpful, the outcome will be not enough is done rather than too much

But at least then you have told your GP and it is in your medical notes so you then have a good basis to push for the help you need.

Actually Also this might be of interest to you


I know about a lovely women who had PNI herself and she often runs a PNI group at the Salford Womens Center

is this anywhere near to you? or anywhere you can get to?

If so I have her telephone number so if you email me on:

[e-mail] I will let you have it.

She has backing from various places - I think also the NHS just as this site gets a grant from them - but the group is completely independent so it could be a good starting place.but do go to your GP first.

But even if you do not feel up to that yet or contacting the group

please come on here for support - you are very welcome and we would live to have you join us

Al the best for now

Veritee

[Veritee]

Dear J

I am worried I have frightened you off by suggesting you go to your GP etc.

I stand by what I said - that if you do go to your GP or health visitor that their is no chance that your children would be taken away from you....

and I feel that I have to at least try to encourage women who come on here and who are not getting any help or treatment - to go and seek somw...

but you do need to accept support from somewhere

and if you chose NOT to go to your GP

then we will respect this

So please accept support from us here? you are welcome to come on this forum whatever you decide to do.

Not all of us on here had treatment from their GP or anyone else -

But I do feel that it is part of my responsibility in running a forum like this to suggest that if you have not sought help and treatment , that you try

But in fact I did not myself ever get any treatment or professional help until right at the end of my illness when I got some great counseling and support from a Family Center run by the local health authority - but I never took any medication.

The reason I did not get treatment was at first I was so very scared as you are that Caja would go into care - such was the severity of my symptoms - and because her dad, Barry works away at sea 8 months of the year there would have been no one to have her if I had been hospitalized.

My symptoms were so bad and frightening to me that I felt that if I told anyone , I would immediately be hospitalized and my child taken into care!!

However after about 2 years of nightmare suffering I began to understand that this would not happen..

even though I now realize I was certainly bad enough to need hospitalization and that actually it might have been the best thing - but one of the reasons I never got any help was I lived alone with my baby, Barry was away at sea most of the time and while I was really really ill, even having hallucinations, I would hold it together while out and while at work.

I think if Barry had been home he would have called the doctors himself and insisted I get proper treatment!!

After about 2 years I realized this partly due to my work as a youth worker with often very traumatized and disturbed young people some of whom were parents themselves- basically I saw the system in operation from the other side and despite the problems I had had earlier myself from social services ( another reason totally, they did not realize about my PNI and I was routinely refereed because my baby failed to thrive - but thats another story which I will not go into here - but it is in my story on the main site if you are interested? www.pni.org.uk/stories.htm

I realized through my work that children being talk en into care was quite rare and at the end of many months or even years of trying other solutions and bad as my symptoms seemed to me -

unless I was sectioned I would not be hospitalized unless this was what I wanted and if insisted on it.

So then I tried to get help and treatment -

but ironically no one seemed to believe I needed it !
b]as at the time no professional thought that PNI lasted for more than a year at the outside so as far as they were concerned I could not have this

and as I was functioning fairly well ie working half time as an assistant coordinator of a youth project/youth worker and ruining a small holding and looking after my child

No one could believe I actually needed any treatment until a year or so later I found the family center.

So my experience is of not getting enough intervention - not getting too much and many women on here found the same over the years that , rather than too much being done they can not get the help they need even if they plead for it.

Anyway - in my usual long winded way I am trying to say:

If you do not want to seek treatment now or even never this is OK by us!

But please let us support you on here -

if you are worried about anyone knowing this is you , you can continue to get support as a guest and not register on this site


If you do this no one - not even me will know who you are or be able to trace you so everything you say is anonymous

I hope you come back

Veritee

[tj]

Hi J,

As with all the other girls before, I think you are truly amazing!!!, four children..I cannot imagine coping with four children, pnd, also no support.

I just want to say I live in Manchester too, if you would like to e-mail me maybe we could swap numbers, if you fancied a chat, I'm not a million miles away.

Look forward to hearing from you.

god bless
tj