Would it drive him away?

[Sexless]

I am wondering what your thoughts are about this.

I am much the same as others have written threads about. I have not been able to have sex since the birth. I have talked to the GP, had counselling and I have tried. I have hated every minute of it. I have found it painful. I have felt guilty about it. I get upset and cry everytime. I use to sometimes manage to put up with a small amount of sexual touching. But it also makes my skin crawl and make me nearly freak out.
Trying stops and guilt raises its head again and again.

At one time I promised to sort it out, but I cant.

Its now been six months or so since OH has touched me. This made things easier, and made a small cuddle seem sort of ok. I had begun to feel a bit safer at just having closer non sexual contact which I liked.

Now he has started the wandering hands problem. The odd hand slide up inside the nighty thing and each time he tries he is pushing a bit more. And I lay there thinking dont you dare touch me, dont you dare, over and over and I nearly freak and shun him and it is making things seem horribel again.

I feel I want to tell him that I dont want to bother anymore, I dont really want to be touched or have sex again.
Would it drive him away and make him leave me?

It worries me what will happen if he tries anything more on, I have visions of running out the house in a panic.
It also worries me if he leaves me.

[winegirl]

Hi Sexless

The way you describe things is exactly the same for me too. My LO is heading on 2 now and things have not improved for me, but I have been told I will be reffered to a psychosexual counsellor for help.

I think all you can do is be honest with your OH about how you are feeling at the moment, but it is important to know that this is not forever. Many ladies on here will tell you that they all went through the same thing, but it DID get better again!

If you explain this to your OH then he knows he just has to wait longer as opposed to never again.

I often worry that my hubby will get sick of this and leave me too, but deep down I know that as long as we keep talking about it we will be ok x

WG xx

[littlelotty]

Hi Sexless

I have been the same too and my LO is 18 months - we are going to relate and this is helping us both to understand what the other is thinking and to set groundrules. My hubby has understood that it is not that I don't want him or I don't find him attractive but I don#t physically want it. The more we are talking the more it is helping us both and I am starting to feel confortable cuddling etc as I know he will not push anymore than that.

As WG said the more you talk to him the more he will understand and will stick around.

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx

[Sexless]

I feel that my problem is forever.

I had about 3 Psychosexual therapy sessions about 6 months after the birth. I got examined to see if there was a problem there, and if I had got sawn up ok. I got checked for vaginaisum [this might be the wrong word and spelt wrong].
My therapist suggested lots of non sexual massage etc, as my homework. It was a desaster, and she got all cross with me so I left. Its so hard to tell OH how to touch you when you don't even know yourself what you can put up with or manage to stand.

I've just done a bigger freak out session, and we both ended in tears. I think he thinks I'm horrible. I just can't stand it.
But I also feel that its so final to talk about it.
And I so fear that to say no sex again could mean I don't even get a cuddle anymore, which is the only thing that sometimes comforts me when I feel so depressed.

Why is life so difficult?

[winegirl]

Hi Sexless

Quite frankly I feel as though I would be quite happy to never have sex again. But I know this will change. It can take different lengths of time for everyone. It has already been two years for me. But I know it will come back one day, you have to believe this for yourself too.

WG x

[littlelotty]

Hi Sexless

Like WG I would too feel happy to never have sex again but sometimes my mind does change but not too often!

Have you tried other counselling - I am going through relate and because I was sexually abused as a child it has had a massive impact on the affection side and they are helping both of us work through this - they have been fantastic and they are helping us both so much - I couldn't recommend them enough. They means test people and whatever you can contribute - maybe worth a try as my hubby was getting very upset and angry when I pushed him away.

Take Care and let us know how things go - we are all here for support.

LittleLotty
xx

[Sexless]

I also had an abuse problem when I was younger. I had counselling to cope back then.

I have spells of trying hard to sort things, then something happens and it shoves me back to the beginning again.
At the moment I can't stand anything and I may have to try to talk to him as he is pushing and upsetting me.

The counselling I had more recently made it all become real again, and seems to have frightened me.

Littlelotty - have you ever talked to your hubby about the abuse thing?

[littlelotty]

Hi Sexless

Yes I talked to him before about it and he was good but we are having to talk about it a bit again as I am trying to make him understand why when he pushes me it makes me not want it and freaks me out. When he kisses me when I am asleep or half asleep he says it is like I have been attacked and the counsellor said it is because she has been so they are trying to help him understand what is 'safe zones' and what is not 'safe zones' and he has not been pushing or touching me in places that freak me out. It is helping although we do have to keep talking about it to reassure him.

Have you talked to your hubby about it? I have tried to push it away for 13 years and it is only now that I feel ready to deal and talk about what happened as I can't let it affect me for anymore years. I have been having nightmares and flashbacks for the past 7 months and this has made it very difficult and I knew I needed some help. I am having separate counselling for me as well as going to relate with my hubby and this is helping although painful and hard at times.

Keep talking and we are here for you

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx