Negative thoughts or am I just evil?

[smiley]

Hiya

I am on my road to recovery and some of you may have read my diary in the diary section. I have suffered from extreme anxiety, negative and obsessive thoughts. Happy to say that they are disappearing and not so relentless although they havent totally gone.

I am now getting really worried that these negative thoughts are actually part of my personality and that they will always remain with me even when I am better. The thing is I am finding it really hard to share my baby with anyone and that includes caring, feeding and looking after etc. These feelings are especially present with my husbands family. I get very worked up if they express any interest in him and very very anxious when they are with him. I cant bear them looking after or cuddling him etc. I know these possessive thoughts are irrational but I cant help them. I am living in a constant state of fear and dread their calls and visits. I dont know what is making me feel and think like this. I feel really selfish and evil and a bad mum.

On the weekend my husband bought a web cam so they could see baby while calling and I felt really sick, anxious and uncomfortable about this. I look at the webcam and it feels me with dread.

Can this illness really make you feel like this? Or is this just me? I want to share my baby and show him off to the world but I can't. Will this get better in time?

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

I suffered the same as you from extreme anxiety, negative and obsessive thoughts, in fact I'd say these three things make up PNI for the most part together with depression.

The negative thoughts are NOT part of your personality hun, I promise you that, they are part of PNI and PNI is not you. Negative thoughts are distortions and nothing more, and they will go with time as you recover and become the person you were before you had PNI.

The feelings you have with your hubbys family are due to the anxiety. Not wanting them to cuddle him etc, is the anxiety, it is not you, anxiety does this to us. It's because we don't want our OHs to pay more attention, give more love to others when we ourselves are the needy ones. It's due to the insecurity we feel whilst suffering this dreadful illness and not knowing our own minds. This will pass when you get your self-esteem back hun.

This illness can definitely make you feel as you described, but I can tell you with confidence that it's a passing phase hun.

Take care

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Thanks Scarlet I am glad to hear that. Yes indeed I feel unloved and needy and scared that my baby will not love me back. I also feel I dont deserve him. When he shows interest in someone I get very insecure and resent him. I am glad this will go but there is one big question in my mind. I was fairly insecure with my hubby's family before the baby and didnt really get on with them. Only then I hated them showing interest in my hubby and now its baby but the feelings are ten times worse. So thats why I am wondering whether these feelings are part of me and not pni. any ideas?

I dont want to be this person who resents their baby...

[Scarlet not logged on]

In that case Smiley, I'd say that you'd go back to being the person you were before the PNI (i.e the feelings being 10 times less). Maybe you will have to grit your teeth a bit with your 'outlaws'...but you'll be a hell of a lot stronger and have more confidence to deal with it than you do now ;D .

[scarlet again]

oops to answer you question, I think the insecurity and negativety you feel towards them is over-empahasised at the moment because you are suffering PNI, and when you are well again...perhaps you may still resent them, but you will accept it, and be able to deal with it, without analysing it like you do now.

[smiley]

Scarlet you really are a life saver I was hoping that was going to be your answer! As before i could cope and grit my teeth but now its really too much and unbearable

Cheers my dears xx

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

Odd that you should feel how you do about the webcam, I always found I would feel really sick and dizzy when people spoke to my baby on the phone! Guess its not just me then!

You are NOT evil, you are poorly, and when you get better you will lok back on this as just a rocky patch in your life.

Winegirl x

[smiley]

That is crazy isnt it. Yes phone makes me feel really sick too.. Argghhh cant wait to get better.

Thanks sweetie

xxx

[carol]

Smiley - I think the whole PNI thing is irrational and even though I still try to work out why I feel the things I do and behave the way I do I keep going back to its the PNI not me and I tell my loved ones the same. Good luck hun.
PS - nearly smashed the car up at the weekend cos I got all panicky cos I was lost and pulled onto a roundabout when I shouldn't have done! Guess who is getting a SAT NAV for Christmas. Carol xoxoxoxoxox