hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Mar 31, 2006 9:51:42 GMT
i posted this thread yesterday then deleted it because i was ashamed with what i do to myself. please don't judge i going to tell you my feelings. i am a self harmer i cut my arms as a way of release. i know i shouldn't but when it all gets really bad or where Ive reached my lowest point if find myself cutting my arms. for some reason it gives me a emotional realize when i do it and when my blood runs down my arm but after i feel worse. i feel angry sick and disgusted with myself. i know what I'm doing is stupid and wrong but i feels like its the only thing i can do when i feel so low. Ive spoke to my c.p.n and she said most women do it and when I'm getting better i will eventually stop. she said admitting that i cut myself is the first step to stopping. i just feel so alone and unsupported at the moment. sorry if this post doesn't make much sense i posted it while I'm very emotional.
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Post by bam02 on Mar 31, 2006 10:15:21 GMT
Sorry Hannah got to go and pick up my daughter from Nursery , but thought I would post to show you I have read it and listening.
Of course we wont judge you - its a problem for lots of women with any kind of depression and/or other mental illness - its some thing you do when out of control - because like eating its something you have control over when all things about are seeming impossible to deal. well thats only my opinion.
Please don't feel alone. i will be back later.
luv
Anne-Marie
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Post by cheshire on Mar 31, 2006 11:14:17 GMT
Hi Hannah,
(I started this last night and then PMed you instead after I lost your thread)
I know just what you're saying... It's good that you've had the courage to set up this thread.
I have self harmed since the birth of my first child, 5 years ago. I think I have almost stopped this habit now, but knives were a thing for me too. But remember, as you say, it only in the long term made me feel worse..and even worse about myself. I never did anything like this before I had children..
It's good that you have shared with your CPN, that is so brave hunni. It took me years to tell anyone, although my husband obviously knew in the end...
Do you have any strategies that help with this? I may be speaking out of turn here, but things that helped me incuded biting a lemon, or using ice instead can help. Also, going for a massive power walk or just shutting yourself away for about 1/2 an hour, I found, helped me. My husband also knows to say that he loves me when this happens/ used to happen - even if I am ranting. Being held helps too if you can possibly give in to it and be loved.
I may have blown it and said all the wrong things here - but I am just trying to say I understand, and that it does get better
Love and (((hugs))) HopefulXX
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Post by Veritee on Mar 31, 2006 12:53:38 GMT
:)Dear hannah You are not alone at all on here - there are many women on here past and present who have in the past self harmed or are doing it right now. Some have done it before PNI but quite a few never did it at all until they had PNI or they had only done it mildly some years ago and it re-started when they had PNI - there are even a few who used to do it but have not since they had PNI - but every one who has ever self harmed will relate to what you are saying and even some who have not but have felt liek ti can also relate - so do nto feel down on yourself or that you are the only one .......... Did you do it before PNI or has it started since? Maybe it is not apparent how many women with PNI self harm as not everyone is able like you to discuss it on the open forum - so I will leave it to those who do feel able to tel you about their own self harm to do so - but please just believe me when I say that you are not the only person who does this and not by a long way - I would hate you to feel alone with this because you really are not at all . You were brave to speak about it so openly and I know that just you saying it, even if others are too scared to join in - will help many women. Because this is an issue many do not even feel they can talk about on here I am currently setting up a private area for this and other issues that members do not feel able to talk about openly.As many can not even tell their relatives and partners and some do not even admit to themselves that they are self harming. This area will not be open generally for a while but when it is - would you be interested in joining it?? In the past we have had many discussions on self harm and we even have a management member who is an ex self harmer and now an artist who explores self harm in her work - I have posted some links to self harm info sites in the info area (but you do have to be careful of self harm websites as some almost relish it which is not always helpful ) and a book that our management member recommends is 'Bright Red Scream' details can be found in our book page here: www.pni.org.uk/book.htmI guess the reason you feel that self harm is the only thing you can do when you feel low and other feelings like guilt and down on yourself is while it is not a very good coping mechanism - it is just the same a coping mechanism and one used by more women than me and more people altogether than is usually known and one that works for many, which is what your health visitor was getting at I believe. And yes it will stop when you are recovered and even if you did it before PNI it is possible to learn other ways of coping with stress so that you use this less if at all as time goes on. I know the temptation is to be even more down on yourself because you do it and then add guilt and remorse to how you feel... but I have been told that the trick is to accept that you use this as a way of coping just like some use smoking and alcohol and that once it is done every day is a new day and a new chance - you are not at all alone in using this strategy to get through traumatic times in your life - it is not good as it may scar you and there are better ways - but if you have not got any better ways do not punish yourself when you used this one start every day afresh Let me know if you are interested in joining a separate area when it is open to others to join? All the best Veritee
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Post by Katrine on Apr 8, 2006 23:11:56 GMT
Hi Hannah. You've tapped into things that are happening for me at the moment. I'm thankfully not self harming directly at the moment. I used to for many years until i managed to beat it about 9 years ago. Now I think I'm suffering from PNI and the thoughts have come back to haunt me.
I haven't really sought help though i have been low for a long time now. I keep trying to rationalise it and work through it myself but it's not working. Having cut myself for years, I'm proud i have still managed to stay away from the razor blades but the thoughts have crossed my mind. Instead, and I dont think its better, because i still feel bad about my body I have had bulimic tendencies instead. I think it is all about self destructive behaviour.
i'm trying to get help and think i've finally realised I can't cope with it myself any more. Thanks for raising this topic, it made me feel less alone.
Kat. xx
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 12, 2006 20:33:13 GMT
i got really stressed out today and i sat scratching my arm didn't realize until it started to bleed. don't know why i do it, i feel so low and in such a dark place at the moment. why does it give me emotional release.
in need of hugs and support.
Hannah xx
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Post by noodles on Apr 12, 2006 20:48:18 GMT
oh hannah i really feel for you, we are all here for you, your not alone... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by bam02 on Apr 12, 2006 22:03:19 GMT
Don't know what to say - but the release is temporary? Like Alcohol or drugs !!!
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Post by marion on Apr 13, 2006 15:19:55 GMT
Hi Hannah It's like a drug - sometimes it's all you can think about all day and you just think that you will do it one last time as it makes you feel better for that short moment. But it's not the answer. It can be a way of releasing frustration - when you feel so cross with yourself and you tense up all over and just find that harming yourself (by cutting/hitting yourself) is the only way to release that tension and take it away. Babies can wind you up so much that it makes it even harder to stop doing it but when you wake up each day just concentrate on getting through that day without doing it - if you cant then dont punish yourself. Just start afresh the next day. You will stop. Love Marion.
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 16, 2006 10:54:27 GMT
feeling really stupid and mad at myself today. after the row i had with my mum i was that upset about it i was in a real state and ended up cutting my arm again. i feel sick to the stomach that Ive done it again. i promised myself i wouldn't do it again. why when i feel so bad i cut my arms, i wish i could stop doing it.
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Marion not logged on
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Post by Marion not logged on on Apr 16, 2006 19:17:04 GMT
Hi Hannah Remember tomorrow is another day to start again. Dont be ahrd on yourself - it's not your fault. Thinking of you Love MarionXXXXXXXXXX
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Post by monica on Apr 16, 2006 20:09:18 GMT
Dear Hannah
Don't punish yourself. I don't know much about self harm so I don't want to say the wrong things to you, but I used to feel guilty about all sorts of things when I was really ill with PNI ie that I was a bad mother, bad person, inadequate, didn't deserve to live, failure - the list is endless. With this illness, it's s difficult to cope with the tough times.
you're a wonderful, kind mum and person and everyone around you is so lucky to share their lives with you. You've posted to me several kind not to mention helpful replies. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Everyone has their demons with this illness - mine were and are obsessing about illnesses even though it's something I know I shouldn't do as I don't gain anything from it. It's just so hard at times to control.
A big hug to you....
Love
monica
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Aug 28, 2006 12:05:17 GMT
feeling really ashamed of myself. i stopped cutting myself for over a month, then the darkness is coming back. i find cutting my arms is the only way to stop the darkest pulling me in. i want to stop cutting myself but i don't know how to? I'm really scared that one day i will got to far
Hannah
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Post by cheshire on Aug 28, 2006 12:28:48 GMT
Dear hannah We're here for you - I can identify with how you feel- I am a recovering self harmer. My last episode was before I went away in July and because of the severity of it - it has strengthened my resolve to beat this awful illness. The urges are still there - but I think I must be finding other strategies - getting things of my chest, phoning people etc. - screaming I have been SH since I had my first child - I never did or thought of it before this I have heard that CPNs are inspecting a 'safe self harm kit'. I will get details from my sister (CPN) if it helps? Thinking of you Hx
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lucie
Full member
Posts: 34
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Post by lucie on Jan 2, 2007 0:10:58 GMT
Noticed this old thread - wondered if Hannah was still out there. I have posted a bit about self harm but hadn't seen this thread before. Am sitting here at gone midnight having just stratched my arms to shreads, at least i didn't cut them. Started the whole sh after my daughter was born last March, never did it before. Got so bad a month or so ago i was admitted to a mental ward for 3 weeks. Only been out a couple of weeks, have managed ok so far, not cut my arms but am really struggling tonight. If you are still around would appreciate some help, am feeling very lonley, guilty and fed up.
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