effect of pni on children

[elephant]

how have your children suffered .
? o they have long lasting effects from your pni or do they not even know?

can anyone that has made it through the cloud of PNI tell me if they feel that their children have suffered because they had it? As resilient as they are will my 2 year old and 4 month old be effected as i pull myself out of this cloud?

[sianyc]

I ask myself that too. Especially when I lose the plot and start shouting. My eldest has just turned 3 and if she sees me taking my tablets, asks me if they're making me better

[Veritee]

My 'baby' is 17

I honestly think that she has not suffered any effects from my PNI

Only I suffered

She is not without her own issues and is at the moment a bit 'difficult' but this is no more than I see many other parents of 17 year olds going though and in many ways she is a lot 'better ' than some

- what I mean by this is she does not misuse alcohol, she does not take drugs of any kind, she is at times sulky and uncooperative and does not help me round he house at all despite my beign disabled, but she is never abusive or 'mouthy'

She has 2 jobs and is at 6th form college doing her A levels , she has a regular boyfriend that she has been with for over 8 months now and this shows that she can sustain relationships
She does not remember my PNI at all and the only way it affects her these days is when I have bouts of guilt and remorse due to worrying that she may have been affected .....

if I do have these bouts of remorse then I am then often short with her and shout more than normal and then she says to me ' mum I can not even remember your PNI I was too young, but your shouting at me now is upsetting me now'

And she is quite right ..

My PNI does affect the way I deal with my daughter now as a teenager but this is not due to her in any way

this is due to my own feelings as my PNI did not affect her fundamentally as I made sure she was always cared for both physically and emotionally whatever I felt like she always knew I and her dad loved her and this I feel is what really matters - but my bouts of guilt I can suffer due to PNI does affect her

I can only speak for my own experience - and this is that PNI itself has not affected my daughter adversely at all

But my ongoing guilt does at this time threaten to have an effect on her

If you want to talk to me further about this I am always here as even 17 years on I am still battling with my guilt at having had PNI

But I do absolutely know that my daughter despite the current difficulties her age and her learning to be independent of me and her dad is causing just now.

That this is short term and on the whole has grown up sane, well grounded , without any ongoing problems, issues or mental ill health or addictions and able to cope with life and all it throws at you.

I could not really ask for more
It is my own feelings about having had PNI I am still battling with and the more I can 'sort them' the better it will be for her and our future relationship
easy to say but very difficult to do

But no my daughter was not affected by my PNI

VeriteeXX

[elephant]

Thanks for the replies . I am short with my little boy turned 2 in August and he has had to cope with a lot. A new baby, moving groups at nursery as over 2, his favorite carer leaving and Mummy being far less patient. In addition his daddy has had to spend days away for work and he misses him terribly. this results in tears when I leave him at nursery and it breaks my heart but the staff there tell me that as soon as I leave he stops. It is hard to seperate that behaviour of a typical 2 year old from what I create in him.

He is a very good boy and makes me giggle. If I cry which sometimes I am ashamed to say I do in front of him he says simply its okay mummy i give you cuddle. do you need a flannel to make it better. so sweet that it actually just makes me feel even worse. more guilty for letting him see me cry.

I am however inspired by what i read and hope that my son and daughter come through this unscathed too.

[Bobby]

My mum had PNI since before I was born and because it was never properly treated the depression went on for years and years.
I do think I was affected, but maybe that's because it went on for so many years.
I don't say this to make anyone feel guilty, but to offer some advice as to how to minimise the effects on children.
Talk about it. Explain what's going on, even if it's in child-friendly language. My parents never spoke about it and that made it so confusing. Allow your child t talk about it. I was told not to tell anyone which made me think we had a guilty family secret. Acknowledge that it's hard for children and don't act as if they are immune just because they're children. When you can't be emotionally strong for your child, try and make sure there's someone else who can be. Lastly - I'm sorry to say this because I know it's hard- but try to release emotion away from your children. The worst thing for me was watching my mum sobbing and feeling completely helpless.

[Veritee]

Dear Bobby

I have often looked at your post and felt I had to reply to it someday but found it really difficult so have not had the courage until now to give it a go.

The reason I found it difficult is first becasue I can hear your pain in your post at being a child of a mother with PNI and of course this hit my own triggers around whether I dealt with it right in the way I involved my own daughter with my PNI.
But also reading your reply made me doubt my own reply above where I said I felt that Caja had not been affected - it is very hard to consider this? As up to your post I would have said that it had not!

I also had untreated PNI which went on for some years - like your mum.

As for me I have been there too- both ways - with PNI.

My mother suffered PNI too and I also suffered it myself and have a daughter that I have always worried about how - and if? - my PNI affected her.

And because my mother took the path that your parents took i.e.

My parents never spoke about it and that made it so confusing.

My mother however never showed her feelings ever!! quite unlike you mother and myself!! And it was also a 'family secret'

I think I can remember her crying only about twice in my life and I can only ever remember her getting angry with any of us kids ( I have one sister and two brothers) about twice too- so she certainly never sobbed or vented but the fact she did not left me confused and unable to help..... Just as your mother sobbing in front of you had the same effect!!

Sometimes I wonder if as parents we can ever get it right?

My childhood was marked by being aware of my mothers complete sadness and despair but that it was under the surface and hidden - so my only conclusion as a child was that it had to somehow be my fault she was so sad but could not tel me why??

So when I had PNI I was determined to take the path that you as a child of a mum with PNI recommend i.e

Talk about it. Explain what's going on, even if it's in child-friendly language. ..... Allow your child t talk about it. I was told not to tell anyone which made me think we had a guilty family secret. Acknowledge that it's hard for children and don't act as if they are immune just because they're children.

I certainly did this as above all I wanted Caja to understand so she could NEVER blame herself for what I was feeling and because of my own experiences i certianly never thought she was immune because she was a child - as I certainly had not been immune..... and I did nto keep it a secret at all - I told every one - in fact even the whole internet if they care to read it by starting this forum!!!

And I think I succeeded in this in that I never left her out or hid what was happening - I was never 'not in front of the children' - I always explained to her that I was unwell and it was not her fault at all and explained it always in language that she could understand at any given age.

But the reason it has been so hard to respond to your post is I certainly many times failed in your other suggestions i.e.

When you can't be emotionally strong for your child, try and make sure there's someone else who can be. Lastly - I'm sorry to say this because I know it's hard- but try to release emotion away from your children. The worst thing for me was watching my mum sobbing and feeling completely helpless.

Because yes.. I often sobbed uncontrollably in front of Caja and even cried and screamed at times..........
And because my husband was at sea for months at a time and my parents were in their 70s by the time she was born and lived hundreds of miles away.
I could never follow your other suggestion: 'When you can't be emotionally strong for your child, try and make sure there's someone else who can be'

As there was no one around who could care for her - except for me ..

So this has been difficult to write because although you said: 'I don't say this to make anyone feel guilty' and ' I'm sorry to say this because I know it's hard'-

But what you said had the immediate affect of making me feel guilty. (I know that this was not the intention)

Yet having no where to go with it because my daughter is now 18 and it is really too late to change it now!! I know that my guilt is my stuff not yours but if felt guilty when I read your words, I am sure others on this forum did too?

I do not think that their is any one of us who as mothers with PNi did not do our best under the circumstances for our children - and your words made me at least very scared that my best was just not good enough???

On the one hand I am not certain I would want to change how I handled my emotions around my daughter - because I did have people involved with my life when I had PNI that told me 'never to show my distress and emotion in front of my child'.

And I have to admit that it was not entirely by accident that I did show her my emotions from an early age as I was in the opposite position from you as a child with my own mothers PNI...
As in my case the damage I felt as a child from my mothers PNI was due to my mother NOT showing her emotions in front of me and thus leaving me totally confused and blaming my self for her unhappiness.

So I am not sure any of us - however much we try - can always get it completely right?

In retrospect we can only do our best and their comes a time when our children have to also take responsibility for their feelings and how they responded to our PNI.

I also believed when I had PNI in what another mother was told by her counselor on here recently

'my counceller pointed out that inorder to learn how to deal with different emotions we first have to experience them. Perhaps my children will beable to deal with these sorts of emotions better than I do when they are older'

veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=intro&action=display&n=1&thread=3751&page=1

This is the core of why I handled my PNI and what I shard with my daughter and maybe I did not get it right?
Maybe I did - only time really will tell???

I am sure also that your mother wanted to get it right too?

But was at times ( like many of us) just so overwhelmed by her distress - and maybe she too did not have anyone to care for you when she was so distressed, as you suggest we do? So she could not help her feelings showing and sobbing etc in front of you at times - I am sure though she never meant to hurt you.

I do admit to far to often letting my feelings show in front of my daughter, or worse. As she got older while I was over PNI I suppose I expected her to reassure me that it was OK that I had suffered it and I was a good mum anyway and so got distressed even when I was over PNI because she has never has reassured me of that?

And therefore I have probably always involved her in my distress to too great a degree, when it was not her fault and nothing she could do about it and she had no part in the cause , except by accident to be a baby who was born to a mum who suffered PNI.

But as I said at the start I feel your pain when you wrote what you did Bobby and I am sorry that you did not feel able to become a member and you have not come back since your post - so we have no way of talking to you any further.
As I think it might help you as well as us if we could have talked to you further.

But thank you for sharing your experiences.

I would have liked to know how you are with this now? what your relationship is now with your parents ?and whether you have had any children of your own as yet to relate to in the way you would have wished to have been yourself as a child?

I apologise for not being able to respond before but your post came at a time I was struggling with issues with my own 18 year old so I just could not at that time - but perhaps we shall hear from you again?

All the best

Veritee