am i being a selfish cow?

[carlie]

jus wanted a bit of advice as pnd can cloud your judgement at best of times. Il cut the story short to sve rambling on!
Basically my partners mum, dad and sister live in australia and cant afford to come to england for a visit. They want to meet me and their grand daughter which i totaly understand.
Thing is as i have pni and also hate flying anyway i do not want to go. I have told my partner i am not prepared to go as i cannot book it this far in advance (he wants to go in march) as at the present time it wil give me one more thing to worry about and get anxious over.
So then comes my problem, he wants to go without me with my daughter. He said four weeks and i said no way i cant have her away fom me for that long so i comprimised and said 2 weeks. He says thats not long enough he wants three weeks out there. I really dont want her gone that long, its other side of the world, 2 weeks would be bad enough.
This morning he said im being a selfish cow. am i? if i am please be honest dont spare my feelings i need to be told.
Thanx for listening
carlie xxx

[cheshire]

Hi Carlie

Well if you're selfish, I don't know what that makes me?

But of you're ill, you're ill - and I could not travel either - not even by foot for a long time, so I can understand why you wouldn't want to fly to Australia! But I would not be able to be apart from mine either - so I think your compromise of 2 weeks IS VERY FAIR.

You must stick to your guns - it is important for your recovery. One of the first things my GP said to me was that I had to learn to say no.

Thinking of you
Hopefulx

[winegirl]

Hi Carlie

I wouldn't let my OH take my little one away from me over night - let alone for 2 weeks to the other side of the world!

And I, like you, couldn't even thinking about getting there right now, getting to the post office is a great mission for me, so you must not push yourself to do it.

You are not selfish, you are a mum who is ill and needs support, if they want to see their grandchild then they should come to you at the moment.

Thats just my opinion anyway x

Winegirl x

[gizmoracer]

eek difficult one but as a fellow sufferer I'm inclined to agree with Winegirl on this one. You are ill, not in a fit state to travel, and this is going to be your first meeting with his family? what sort of an impression are they going to get of you ... the wrong one to be frank. This also goes for you staying behind, if he goes all that way with your daughter what will they think of you? I couldn't bear the thought of hubby taking ours away overnight either to be fair.

If I remember rightly, you are still new to your meds, therefore they haven't kicked in yet. Can you try and get him to hold off plans for a while, even if its just a couple of months to give you a chance to start to feel a bit more human again. Then maybe the trip won't seem so daunting to you. Also have you spoken to his family yet? do you know them so to speak? Do they know you are ill? If his Mum and Sister are understanding it will certainly take alot of stress away from you. Coz lets be honest having them come to you could be just as bad at the moment.

[Gizmos OH]

Hi Carlie

My wife has just read this post to me. Not an easy situation to be fair. Just a thought though. You say his family can't afford to come to you, would an alternative be that you guys help to pay for them to travel over instead? This will be less stressful on you as you are on your own turf and will I'm assuming have a place to hide if it gets too much (a friends house or your family?)

As a partner myself I have to admit is is very hard to fully understand and appreciate excatly what you are going through.

[carlie]

hey guys, thank you all for your advice. It is a very tough one and an ongoing conflict in our household!!!
Winegirl i totally think they should come here too! But go forbid if i say that!! Apparently its a lot more expensive for them to come here because our cost of living is much more expensive. So when they exchange their money they dont get much for it.
I also think im being fair saying to weeks because what i really want to say is sod off your not takin my daughter the other side of the world without me and im not ready to go!!!! But as im trying to understand how hard it is for him havin his family live so far away and havin not seen his parents in 3 years im willing to comprimise with 2 weeks!

I have not met his mum and dad but a few month back his sister came over for three weeks as a suprise so i met her. I recently told his mum on the phone about the pnd as she had no idea. My oh likes to keep things private but i prefer to be open and upfront i dont feel i should have to hide it. She was nice about it and said i could call anytime to chat, but she also harped on about how i should go over there!!
To be honest i cannot think of anything worse than a plane journey for 18 hours, i hate the heat and the time difference will really thro me!! I could sleep all day as it is!!

Gizmos oh thanx for the suggestion, i appreciate how hard it must be for a man to understand a woman goin thro pnd! Its frustrating for us as we cant get our heads round it either or understand why we are like it so it must be hard for u guys to even begin to imagine what its like!! You cant do anythin right sometimes eh! well my oh cant anyway! he trys his best bless him. Anyway as for us helping financially, no chance! we only jus manage to get by ourselves. I dont work and my partner has a pretty low paid job so we get no luxuries im afraid!
But ur right it would be so much easier if they came here. I dont understand the whole exchange rate business to be honest but its supposidly douvle for them to come here. They want to pay for our flights out there u see as we couldnt go otherwise.

Sorry ive rambled, so should i stick to him takin here for 2 weeks if thats not good enough then not at all?

love carlie x

[gizmoracer]

Hi Carlie

I had to come looking for this post to see what had happened, Its good youve been able to talk to his mum, pity she is laying the guilt trip down. It would be good if you could keep in touch with her and gradually explain what your problems are with coming over, so she see's its real and not just you being a pain for the sake of it. If you could get on the right side of her it would help you to delay things a bit. Anyway keep us all posted, and in answer to your question I think 2 weeks is very fair. He has got to understand how ill you are right now.

[carlie]

thanx giz, the discussions have died down now this is what happens then it wil crop up gain in a few weeks. but im standin my ground on this one.
im sure i will be posting about it again and will let u know what the outcome is. wants to go in march so why it needs to be booked now i dont know!!!

[stevensmummy]

Hi carlie

I just noticed this post and can I say you are being very reasonable even lettin him take your daughter for 2 weeks! bearing in mind its your daughter 2, you gave birth to her of course you are going to feel terrible her leaving your side for 2 whole weeks never mind 4! I wouldnt let my oh take out boys. But like you say difficult situation and I'm not sure how to advise. Cant you try explaining that you may feel ready to go by the time march comes along. Isnt january soon enough to book flights? Cant he see that?

Sarah x

[sianyc]

18 hours travelling with a little one - my idea of hell

[flobob]

Hello Carlie

I just wanted to respond to you on this. I went away for a weekend to Spain with my parents in early Sept. And my husband stayed home with our little boy (who is now 18 months). That was the first time I'd been away from my baby for the night (except a practice night in London with a friend in August).

I was fine whilst away but thought about little boy all the time. But before I went I was in a terrible state. I thought the plane would crash and I would die. Or I would die in some other way whilst in Spain. Or at the very least that my little boy would never forgive me for being away and would stop loving me. Of course none of those things happened but the mental strain beforehand was awful and I would imagine you'd feel terrible too.

I'm sorry to say these things - I don't want to upset you - but wanted you to know that for me it was all the thinking before we were apart overnight that was the worst.

If at all possible try to get your husband to wait before booking flights. And maybe you'll feel well enough to travel.

Your compromise of 2 weeks is more than fair. If you can't go with them then please make sure that you have good friends to call on when they're away.

I hope you sort this out how you want it soon.
Take care, FloBob