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Post by newwie on Feb 27, 2008 11:16:32 GMT
Hi,
My daughter is four going on fifty, but i need a bit of advice.
Just lately as she has started school she has started to ask questions about her dad.
Now she has never met him and he has never been in contact since i was twelve weeks pregnant and he walked out on me as he didnt want kids.
Now the fact is he still lives not five mins away from us but we have not seen him in a while.
But anyway daughter is asking why doesnt she see her dad, at the min i have just said that he doesnt live with us because him and mammy didnt get along.
She is starting though now to ask where he lives and also what he looks like and also wy she cannot see him?
Now i have answered as basic as possible as i dont want her to be or feel rejected and also i dont want to lie to her.
I have said just basically he doesnt live with us end off really, but it doesnt seem to be satisfying her anymore and wants to know more.
Now i cant tell her that he dad wants nothing to do wit her can i? That would be creul but i also dont want to lie to her so that when she turns 16 she hates me for lying to her. So what do i do?
I also dont want her to have any contact with him as i dont think he deserves it untill i feel she is old enough to handle what he can throw at her. Basically 16 if i can hold off that long.
I dont mind saying to her im not sure where he lives as im not really he could of moved, highly unlikely but its not totally a lie.
NEED ADVICE quite quick as she is asking daily at the min and im frightened i say the wrong thing.
Desperate newwie
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Post by winegirl on Feb 27, 2008 11:35:49 GMT
Hi Hun
One thing is for certain - dont lie to her, ever. Oddly i have just read an article in a magazine this morning about a woman in the EXACT same position but she didnt know where the father was or how to conatct him, and her now grown up daughter resents her for not letting her have the opportunity.
I think everything you have said to G so far is spot on, and if you genuinely dont know his address i would stick for a little bit with telling her you are not sure where he lives as you havent seen each other for a very long time. Tell her that things didnt work out for you guys and so he left, you can say that without having to say he didnt want her.
Tell her that sometimes these things just dont work out, but if it ever gets to a point when she is older that she wants to see him, then you may have to contact him to let him know and see what he thinks. I know you want to protect your baby from hin, but when she is older if she wants to see him, stopping her would be a disaster.
For now I would sit down and talk to her about it but explain you are not sure where he is and you dont think you are likely to see him as you and he dont get on, thats about the best i got really!
WG x
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Post by gizmoracer on Feb 27, 2008 16:08:41 GMT
Keen and I agree.
Basically you must never lie to her. By saying you're not sure where he is is quite sufficient and that when she is all grown up if she wants to meet him you will help her find him, shows that you are not stopping her from finding out about her Dad and like you say by then you can prep her for his possible responce. She will stop asking questions eventually, she just needs to feel she has all the information you can give her right now. Being at school has been the start of this she has seen other children with Dads and its a natural question.
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Post by newwie on Feb 27, 2008 19:11:34 GMT
Thanks guys appreciate your advice. Will tell her and talk to her more about it when she next asks, luckly she hasnt done again this afternoon, so hopefully till tommorow i will be able to word it on how to do it.
But defo not gonna lie to her. I do have a photo of him, but im not sure that woudl help her at all, i know it wont help me as if she wants to put it in her bedroom, i think i would freak. So mybe miss that one out.
Anyway thanks guys
newwie
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Post by winegirl on Feb 27, 2008 20:05:38 GMT
Keep hold of the photo hun for when she is older. Maybe in a few years it may be worth her having if she still asks then. Hope you get it sorted with her hun xxx
WG x
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Post by gizmoracer on Feb 27, 2008 20:50:29 GMT
Yes I agree, keep the photo for the time being especially if he is fairly local. If she wants to know what he looks like you can give a vauge discription for now.
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Post by newwie on Feb 29, 2008 9:36:28 GMT
Thanks guys, i have kept the photo and i have hidden among other things that i have kept but i ain't ready yet for that, just a discription is bad enough but have told her. She talked about it again yesturday evening and i just answered as basic as i could and hope that it is enough for her till she is at least older.
I suppose i should think at what age she ill be ready but as she gets older i will prob pick up on that depending on how she grows up i suppose, silly girl or mature enoug to handle it sort of thing.
Horrible this, its not fair and i hope that one day, i havent gone through all this for her to end up loving him more than me. And also going on about him when she gets older and he does this that the other sort of thing i don;'t think i would be able to cope with that. As god its been hard enough for me to even get this far through her life never mind anything else an she won't understand that till she is in her thirties proba nd had kids of her own.
Anyway im babbling now
newwie
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Post by winegirl on Feb 29, 2008 9:47:24 GMT
Hi Hun
I am sure that will NEVER happen. She knows you do everything for her and love her very much and noone could ever replace you to her. As she gets older I bet she is so grateful for everything you have done for her, and its great that you do such a good job of protecting her now x
WG x
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Post by stevensmummy on Mar 1, 2008 16:58:39 GMT
Hi Newwie,
I've just read ure post bee away a few days. Sounds to me a diff sit but I think you did the right thing. Its hard to be honest to a 4 yr old without being too honest. Sometimes kids ask the hardest things. Just now I reckon you keep to the story. it'll wear of I'm sure. A friend of mine is a single mum and her LO's dad gets access once a fortnight. She doesnt really like her dad as hes just not into kids and cant relate to her on the same level. I'm sure if you find later she wants to see her dad then you could take to him first. If hes as hardfaced as you remember then you'll have to think of something to keep it from her just yet. Would u ever consider letting them see eachother?
Sarah x
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