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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 14, 2005 9:57:30 GMT
Natalie, Thank you so much, just knowing you are all here make it a bit easier to cope with, Thanks again.
Had a really crappy night. Robbie came back and things were ok, i was on here in the chat room and he was watching tv and then we decided to go to bed. I asked him if he felt better for going out and he said yes and that it was them that he was annoyed with not me. We ended up having a big discussion about them all again and i ended up coming back downstairs in tears (again) and he followed and we managed to talk and decide that our relationship is worth so much that we are going to try and not let them get to us! (easier said than done i think!) anyway when i went to bed i started having horrible thoughts such as, should i send my kids to live with their dad then there can be no arguements with me involved, would my kids be better off with him. This just made me feel ten times worse and i think i cried myself to sleep. I just feel so miserable about this whole situation, i feel like everyone is getting at me and all i'm trying to do is be the best mum to my kids. Is it so wrong to take their school clothes down? to make sure they have everything they need? Oh i don't know, is it me? is it them? i'm just so confused. I feel like i'm walking on eggshells with Robbie too now in case i accidentally mention something or one of them phones again, i even thought about changing my phone number last night!! but realised that probably won't solve any problems? I talked to my mum about it this morning vaguely (its her 50th today and don't want to spoil it for her) and she suggested talking to the HV to help me put pressure on the council so we could get a move to another area so we didn't have to see or meet them all the time. but how long would this take? would it be worth the energy? i just can't seem to muster up the energy to fight anymore, i'm just so sick of it, i feel like taking the kids and running away somewhere that no-one can find us. I know deep down that this would never be the answer but its so appealing right now.
Anyway, the kids are coming home today (i think?) and Robbie is at college today. We are going to my mums tonight for a celebratory meal i think, i'm always the last to know the plans and i'm supposed to be the one cooking!! Oh i wish somebody had the answers!
Rant over, hopefully i can try and enjoy the rest of the day with the kids.
Loadsa love to all
Sarah.xxxx
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Nov 14, 2005 10:05:19 GMT
Hey Sarah, I'm in the chat room if you want to chat Sorry you had a crap night! It's good that you and Robbie talked things through! It does help! Communications such a big thing! I'm always here for you! Love Nat xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 14, 2005 21:19:51 GMT
Progress at last!!! YAY, today started of so shitty for me, i couldn't stop thinking about last night/yesterday and all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep (didn't sleep weel last night) and i was having thoughts about taking the kids and running away from everyone/everything! i was mentally planning it! However, after talking to my mum again, she'd sussed there was more to it than i was letting on! (mums eh?) and she asked if i'd talked to my ex, as it might make me feel better. I sat and thought about it all afternoon and when Robbie came in from college i told him what i was going to do, he said if it would make me feel better then i should do. We went over to my mums and just had coffee and cake instead of a meal (phew!) and had a good laugh about her turning 50 which made me feel heeps better, we then came home and i phoned HIM. He's agreed to write down for me the days and times he's going to have the kids and he's not getting them til i get that bit of paper, we've agreed that he will come and collect them/drop them off and also he will collect any things they need for school etc. We've also agreed that they are not to go down to his mums unless he is there as that has been causing problems with their behaviour due to her not disciplining them! I'm actually amazed that he agreed to all this but i'm still sceptical as he's always let me down in the past. But i feel hopeful this time. Me and Robbie also sat down and explained it all to the kids and after a few tears/questions/fears they said they were happy enough and understood everything we said to them. YAY, how much better i feel now. I'm still abit down but i think this is mainly because of the stress of the last few days, i'm so tired.
Shouldn't be ranting so much now! lol. Nathan has been a star today, he's growing so fast, he's trying to pull himself up to sitting position all the time now! (help!) and he's alot more settled since he's been on solids.
Hopefully my mood will improve as the week goes on, time will tell,
Thanks for the chat this morning Natalie, you've been great through all this. Thanks
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Post by cheshire on Nov 14, 2005 21:54:09 GMT
Hi SarahJay Glad you feel progress has been made, that is great But get that rest, as you say you're tired - be kind to yourself Love, Hopefulx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 15, 2005 14:25:56 GMT
Thanks Hopeful, i had an early night last night and feel better again today, YAY. Sorry your'e still not feeling that great, i'm sure it'll happen for you soon though. Let me know how you get on at the Dr's.
Today i've been to the Mother & Toddler group with Nathan and Kirsty (she has a day off school today, in-service day!) Cameron was at an inter-sports festival until this afternoon. It was nice with the 2 younger ones as Kirsty kept Nathan amused while i chatted to the other mum's. I've only been going for a short time but i already feel comfortable and chatty with the other mums. Its nice to know its only taken this short time to get to know people. I just had to pluck up the courage to go in the 1st place!!! I'm still tired today but am going to have an early night again tonight and the kids are back at school tomorrow. YAY!! Like you say hopeful, i'm trying hard to be kind to myself, i even left my housework until after i'd been to the toddlers! which is a big achievement for me as i'm a cleaning freak!! lol. Hopefully the week will keep getting better and better............
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Post by cheshire on Nov 15, 2005 15:15:54 GMT
Hi Sarahjay, Glad your day has gone well I know what you mean about being a cleaning freak as I am a tidying freak -and like you, I'm trying not to do quite as much - and I do feel better when I'm kind to myself like this! I find chatting with other mums hard - I always have, so well done you. New groups/ new places take courage and confidence. I probably feel most confident with the only mum from school who knows I've got PNI - she didn't bat an eyelid when I told here and she obviously understands a bit about it from what she has said to me. Hope your week keeps moving in a positive direction Love, Hopefulxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 16, 2005 15:23:07 GMT
Hiya Hopeful,
Thaks again for your messages of support, i'm glad i'm not the only one who finds talking to other mums hard, daft isn't it when you think about it cos we are probably all thinking the same!! I know what you mean about feeling confident with the one who knows you have PNI, i was so surprised when i started telling people that i have it, how many other have said 'yeah i had/have that too' in fact, my ex told me the reason there have been so many problems at the moment is because his gf also has PNI, their baby is 8 months old. It definately changes things abit for me as i understand totally what she's going through although i know that has nothing to do with his relationship with the kids. It just makes me a bit more sympathetic towards her feelings. I'm not at all confident about our new arrangements, last night he wouldn't come and pick kirsty up when she wanted to see him and cameron was told to be home by 7.30pm (which his dad knew) and his dad let him go out with his cousin and Cameron didn't come home til 8.30pm!!! Me and Robbie have decided that maybe the only thing thats gonna make any difference is by moving away from the immediate area. We are waiting for a transfer to a bigger house and we were hoping to get a move to the other side of town near my mum and sister but that could take forever and wouldn't solve any problems so we are now thinking about moving to a town which is about 20 miles away. It is where robbie goes to college now so it would mean i would be able to have the car everyday and come and see my mum and sister as much as i wanted, although the thought of having to start all over again doesn't thrill me. I've just had to work really hard at making some friends and now i'll have to do it all again!! but if thats the price i have to pay for a quiet life then so be it!
Anyway enough moaning, i'm fed up of moaning! lol. Today has been a good day again (they are definately more often than the bad days now!) yay, i even let the kids come home for lunch from school, something i never normally do as they muck about so much! must be feeling better or maybe i've just completely lost the plot altogether!! lol. Had a nice walk with my mum after lunch to the town and back which was nice, we are starting to spend time together now without just talking about illness (she's just had an op!) which is so nice and i take that as a sign that maybe i'm really getting better?! what do you girls think? After reading all the posts in the last few days i've been a bit worried that i could have a major blip like some of you have been having but i'm trying to put it at the back of my mind, does it happen to everyone? Hopefully not eh?
Soon be the weekend and hopefully be spending some quality time with the kids and robbie. Keep smiling everyone.xx
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Post by cheshire on Nov 16, 2005 15:35:35 GMT
Hi Sarahjay Glad you had a nice walk this afternoon - I too went for a walk to the shops with my mum which was nice. We managed to stay off the topic too for most of the time and she knows which situations and places I find difficult and is able to reassure me without me having to say anything.. Don't worry about blips - I'm sure everyone's PNI experience is different - I mean there are people who signed up here when I did, who are now fully recovered...some recover quickly, for others it takes longer..so don't worry about blips, you might be past that stage already. Love, Hopefulxx
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Nov 17, 2005 5:28:55 GMT
Hey Sarah, It is so good to hear you sounding positive I really enjoyed our chat the other night, sorry i had to cut it short. It's a good sign that your posts aren't all about your ex. It shows your focusing on other things and trying to be happy...which is a great thing! It's great that you're not letting it bug you too much!!! I'm really happy that you feel like you're getting better! It's great! Well you take care of yourself and i really hope to talk soon! Love and Light, Natalie xxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 17, 2005 21:05:39 GMT
Thanks Natalie, I'm really trying hard to get on with things and not let my ex get to me (easier said than done sometimes though!) I enjoyed our chat too, don't worry about cutting it short, it's fine. Today i took Nathan and my neice Chloe to the Mother and Toddlers and it was great, i'm now chatting much more easily to the other mums and even put my name down for an hours bag-packing at our local supermarket (its for raising funds) on 22nd Dec!? I'm even getting to know the mums that i thought were 'snobby' lol. Shouldn't make judgements i know but thats how they've always come across!. Anyway came home to find Robbie had done all the housework, hoovered and mopped all the floors and done all the washing, made the beds etc,etc. To say i was pleased was an understatement!! I gave him a huge hug and big kiss and said thank you and he was grinning from ear to ear!! awwww he's so sweet sometimes. He said he knew how much i'd been stressing out lately and wanted to give me a rest! awwww, don't you just love him! (well me anyway) lol I also had the kids parents evening today, they both got fantastic reports! YAY, i was so proud of them, they are doing really well and they both love school. They are total opposites though, Cameron hates being centre of attention and Kirsty loves being it!! lol, she's very much a show off/know it all kind of girlie girl though, but god i love her to bits and cameron's very sensitive and quiet but he's so cuddly, he's my baby. I wonder what Nathan's personality will be like? Somewhere in between maybe? I just know i have 3 wonderful kids. And i'm now enjoying them soooo much. Feel like i'm rambling now! lol. Anyway have had a really good day, this week has just gotten better and better, long may it continue.........
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Post by cheshire on Nov 17, 2005 22:21:33 GMT
Hi sarahjay
Glad things are still on the up - sounds like you've had a good day! Ooo, your bag packing and fund raising made me just realise something - am I right in thinking it's 'children in need' tomorrow? I always mean to do something and then forget the date..oh dear.. Anyway, back to your diary..so glad you've had lovely help today, I think my hubby is helping more than ever at the moment too. Makes a difference doesn't it? Although at other times, I am more than happy to blitz the house myself. Find it therapeutic sometimes. Now I'm rambling...! But sounds like you're doing great - nice when parents' evenings go well isn't it? I always feel sooo proud!
Take care Hopefulx
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Post by susanneb1984 on Nov 18, 2005 11:12:01 GMT
Hiya hunni, How are you today? We'll have to actually get around to phoning each other at some point! lol Anyway, just a quick one to say hi, I didn't get the email about Nathans site either hun, so can you resend it please!?
Love to you , Robbie and the children xxxx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 18, 2005 21:00:41 GMT
Hi All, Thanks for your messages, Hopeful i know what you mean about cleaning being theraputic sometimes but sometimes i wish the housework would do itself!! lol. It was really nice of Robbie to do that but i've been wondering if he felt that he should do it because i had a go at him the night before about him not helping!! for the past week all he seems to have done is moan that he's got this and that wrong with him, nothing specific just general aches and pains which i know i shouldn't maon about but he really annoys me when he's like this!! If he feels ill he should go to the Dr's or take painkillers. Sorry i sound really bitchy about this, am not in a great mood right now. (Robbie again!) He knows we have literally no money at the moment and we worked out today that he spends about £25 per week on Cigarettes, which i know he needs as its an addiction but then he goes and asks me if i've got money for him tonight (its his turn to go out) we had discussed this earlier in the week and he agreed that he would go to his mates where he'd got some beer left over from last time as this wouldn't cost us anything. I just flipped and asked him if he would mind if i spent £25 a week on myself and then abit more if i needed and he just looked at me as though to say 'i don't think so'!!! Double standards or what??? I don't know if i'm being unfair or what??? i'm just so fed up of me having to scrimp and save and try and make our money stretch further and he just thinks because its his night to go out he can have money just like that!!! When i go out i have to do without, i only had a bottle of wine last weekend because i won it on the raffle at the kids school beetle drive night! It cost 50p each for entry and that included a strip of raffles!! so £2 for the 4 of us. Feel like i'm rambling about it now, why do men never see things like we do? or is it just my man?? lol Anyway, today was a good day, nice and relaxing and just me, Robbie and Nathan lazing at home all day. The HV came out to see me today (monthly support visit) and she weighed Nathan, he's upto 15lb 12 1/2 oz!!! My little chubby cherub, she was really pleased with his progress but was horrified when she found out i was giving him weetabix for breakfast!!! She started ranting and raving about you shouldn't give them wheat before they are 6 months and how this can cause allergies etc,etc. But it didn't do my other kids any harm and he loves it so i'll carry on, can't be doing with HV's that tell you that you can't do something, i know they have to work within and stick to certain guidelines but i think it would've been better for her to say 'this is the recommended advice and i'd recommend you follow it to minimise the risk of wheat allergies' but no, i'm not allowed to give him weetabix!!! OOOOOHHHHHH........Sorry bout that, i just feel so angry right now and all my grievances for today are coming out!......Next subject....lol, my mum also annoyed me today, she had asked me, rob and the kids to write a christmas wish list so she could get some ideas of what to buy us for xmas, which we did, and she phones me this afternoon and says that Camerons list is not very good, the things he wants are either too expensive or just rubbish!!! so what was the point of him doing a list for her? am i missing something here? she also told me that rob's was rubbish too as it didn't have enough things on it??? am i just being over sensitive today or what? why are things annoying me today? is it because rob's out tonight? ( i admit that i hate it when he drinks) but i quite like having the house to myself (the kids are in bed) oh i don't know...... I said today was a good day but after reading this back..............not too sure it actually has been. We are taking the kids to the cinema on Sunday to see Harry Potter 4, couldn't get tickets until then, its fully booked!. Am looking forward to it but wish i was going on my own!! need a bit of time out i think, don't know if i can wait until next friday night! Well am running out of steam now, feel tired today and kinda dreading the weekend incase everything kicks off again with my ex!? God i need a holiday.
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Post by cheshire on Nov 20, 2005 10:05:53 GMT
Hi SarahJay
How are you today?
Is it today you're going to see Harry Potter? I haven't seen any yet, but I do have one on DVD -might even watch it tonight .. Anyway, hope you have a good day.
Love Hopefulx
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Post by sarajay28 on Nov 20, 2005 21:08:49 GMT
Hi All,
Am ok today, went to see Harry Potter 4, it was ok, Kirsty was scared and i must admit there were a few bits that made me jump!! LOL. All the other films are quite 'light' and you just know they are aimed at kids but this one was quite dark and heavy and scary! Cameron loved it though and we all had a good time. Nathan stayed with Rob's mum so it was nice not to have to humph all his stuff about for a few hours. He gave me such a beautiful smile when we got home, i just melted..... This weekend has been a bit iffy, one minute things are fine and the next they are not. On saturday the kids went to their grannies for a few hours to see their dad and brother and they were home on time at 4pm!! (wow) My ex had phoned to say that he had my bit of paper with the times and days on it and would bring it up when he took the kids home, anyway i went to go out to the car when he came up and robbie said 'why do you have to go out to the car, they will bring it in' which i was quite upset about? did i over-react??? i told him i was upset about it and we had a row, surprise surprise??? today he was in a mood with me? so i told him to snap out of it cos he was upsetting everyone else and after we'd gone to the pictures he was alot better. I wish my ex would just disappear for good!!! i know thats never going to happen but hey we can dream can't we???
Am feeling pretty good tonight, we have got a new cockatiel (it was our neighbours and she was getting rid as she's scared of it?! so robbie wanted it) its lovely but not very tame so i'm going to get a book to learn how to tame it (well Robbie is!!) LOL
Hopefully things will starting getting better as we now know when the kids are going with their dad and we'll be able to start living our life instead of letting him be in charge all the time. YAY
Love to you all
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