Bit of a tough time, but getting through

[Vikki]

I have not been able to use the forum for a while,which has been a shame as I have been through the worst time ever in recent weeks.

I lapsed in to a severe phsychotic state and in the middle of this I had a memory of trying to strangle my baby.

Due to this disturbing time, I tried to kill myself, and when this failed, everything came pouring out to my CPN who came straight out to see me.

Social Services have now been involved and I had to go through the trauma of a Child Protection Conference to discuss if the children needed to go on the Child Protection Register.

Thankfully that did not happen, but the outcome was still that I would not be allowed to be alone with my children.

I have this week been allowed to be alone for up to half an hour, but it still really upsets me.

The memory I had of hurting Lydia has infact turned out to be a hallucination, but Social Services still think I am a risk to my children, so Lydia has to go to a childminder full time, which I have to pay for ( just great in the run up to xmas) and my mum has had to change her work hours to part time to make sure that someone is here with me all the time.

On the plus side though, I seem to have come through this remarkably well, and although some days are still a bit naff, I am so much better than I was a few weeks ago. In fact I don't remember a lot of what happened in those weeks, it's all a bit of a blur really.

I hope tht now things are sorted here, I will be able to use the forum again.

Vikki xx

[monica]

Dear Vikki

I so feel for you. It sounds as if you've been through a terrible time, but I so glad to hear y0ou're feeling better and I hope this is the start of your road to recovery.

I can imagine it must be so hard being told you can only have a short amount of alone time with your kids, but hopefully the better you feel the more it will be extended until Socail Services interest will be withdrawn. It sounds as if your mum and CPN are being good. I'm sure you'll get back on your feet.

I didn't have the any psychotic symptoms, but for few months I wasn't capable of managing even the simplest things on my own. My mum was over for at least 1 months, myboyfirend took time off work and his mother came over for 2 weeks. I hope you're getting the support that's needed and the take the time to lookafter yourself.

It sounds as if you're doign so well.

Love

Monica

[bam02]

Dear Vikki,

So nice to see you again you were and are an inspiration(sorry if too gushing) , but seeing your posts a while back made me think and feel that here is such a good place.

i hope you soon get the children more and more. Childcare is a worry when it ends up you paying. I needed My Sarah three in childcare - I used a Nursey- for two full days to get therapy and no financial help is availbel it makes me so mad. In your situation its even worse you have no choice. (I could refuse the help and not go).

I Hope you feel you can stay around - we need more people like you.

love

A-M

[cheshire]

Dear Vikkii

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a tough time, but I'm also glad to hear that you're now starting to feel better.

It sounds like you've got really good support from your mum and your CPN, so hopefully things will continue to improve.

I'm glad you'll be using the Forum again.

Take care
Hopefulxx

[Vikki]

I'm feeling a bit rough today, I am so stressed, but then I suppose everyone is this time of year.

I had a new carpet fitted today, and I spent the night worrying about being alone in the house with the carpet fitter.

I know that I am doing much better than I have been in a long time, but it doesnt seem to have much consolation when the tough times come.

sorry I have gone on long enough

[Veritee]

Hi Vikki

I ma just so sorry you were not able to use this forum when you might have needed support most.

I did not realize why you had not been on - I am very sorry.

I feel you have been through a nightmare but I do hope you are coming out he other end now.

I still remember quite vividly the period when I had hallucinations and weired thoughts and feelings - that I have talked to you about before - and it really is very scary.

I did not actually think I had hurt Caja - I just thought she was already dead and so was I - horrible .

The intervention I had by Social Services still upsets me sometimes too

But i got through Caja is fine and you will get through this too
We all have our own story to tell and hopefully although the details are different we can still relate to each other and offer support.

It does sound like you are getting there.

Please post if it helps I will try to keep the forum as safe as I can for you and all others

All the best

Veritee

[hannah457]

happy mothers day
love hannah xx