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Post by gizmoracer on Dec 27, 2005 23:45:36 GMT
I noticed this diary section quite some time ago and have decided now is the time to start. I am totally fed up with the person I have become and after a chat with my hubby today have decided that 2006 is going to be the year I become who I want to be. I don't think he still fully understands PNI but he is being very supportive neather the less, and after choosing to give up smoking himself 3 weeks ago, its now my turn. I've had this wreched illness for over 3 years and after having discovered that professional help is not easy to get, this site has helped me more than anything. So where do I start? Well it begins today (or should I say tonight). Why wait until the new year, its all a clichy and never seems to last. My aims: To regain control of my head To loose weight To become an organised person (and in turn family) To actually look forward to next Christmas. And to be happy, happy, happy again ;D My main obstical is that I feel as though I need a slap round the face with a wet fish. Just can't concentraite, even writing this is a struggle. I know what I need to do, but can't put it into practise. I am constantly thinking it over and trying to put it on paper to remember but it is never quite right. Together hubby and I have spent alot of time recluttering the flat before christmas. Good start, all I need to do is finish catching up with myself and keep on top of it. (Easy right ) I have been looking though a site about cleaning and as sad as it sounds have downloaded a cleaning checklist, tells me what to do on a daily basis, weekly, monthly etc. This should help. Have even written down a list of what to do tomorrow morning, along with realistic time limits. If I can physically get out of bed by 7.30 and pull my finger out, by the time my other half gets home from work at lunchtime all cold and miserable (its snowing and he's a postie) It should give the impression that I have had a cleaner in. I hope. Wish me luck, The diet will have to wait, there is too much food left and it would be unfair of me to expect him and the kids to have to eat all that chocolate without my help. Any tips would be greatly appeciated.
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Post by bam02 on Dec 28, 2005 0:20:00 GMT
Hey that website on cleaning sounds great!! Can I have it, thanks for encouragement!
A-M
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Post by cheshire on Dec 28, 2005 0:32:36 GMT
Hi,
Hope you don't mind us posting here - could I have the cleaning website too please? Thanksx
I think and hope that 2006 is my year too - here are some of my aims which overlap with yours:
Savour the moment and be happy Loose the 10 lbs which really don't suit me
We will get there, I am sure of it! Diet is my lowest priority too at the moment, just trying to stay calm and be happy is my highest.
It sounds like you're feeling good, I hope so and I wish you all the best for the New Year - HAPPY NEW YEAR !
Hopefulx
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Dec 28, 2005 10:33:39 GMT
HI Gizmoracer! Your post has been a true inspiration...you've made me determined to whip back into mummy mode and do the things i should be doing...like cleaning lol...I dont think i need to lose weight but i definately need to tone! So im going to the gym once a week (Again) and going for walks! I wish you all the luck for your goals and i'm sure you will be able to tick every single one off!!! You sound liek such a determined lady! Would love to be updated on how things are going for you!!! Take care sweety! Love and Light, Natalie xxx
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Post by cinders on Dec 28, 2005 11:33:35 GMT
Dear Gizmoracer,
I know how you feel about suffering this awful illness for three years. My daughter is also three and I'm still having rough times, but like you said 2006 is going to be the year....I have also written a list of things to aim for.... To regain control of my brain More time for me Join a club Make some friends Not to worry about what people say Enjoy life Stay calm and be happy!!!
I think you've made a great start in decluttering and having things to aim for...Positive attitude and all that. Well, I wish you luck flower and hope 2006 is your year and mine...Love n hugs Cinders xxx
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Post by gizmoracer on Dec 28, 2005 15:03:23 GMT
Hi everyone Thanks for your replies, I really needed them today. Soon after I put my post up last night the pair of them were up. My son is a terrible sleeper anyway, I was kinda hoping that by the age of 3 he would have learned to sleep thought the night, but alas, and to top it off my daughter is teething. So anyway I got up an hour later than planned and very bleery-eyed set to work on my list. My husband got home 2 hours earlier than I had predicted and I was 1 1/2 hours behind schedule On the plus side I did get a few things done, before slumping at the computor feeling defeated. Your posts have given me a boost, perhaps I was just feeling a little too ambicous when I wrote my list. Think I will start again now by ripping it up and writing down 2 things at a time, that way I can't fail so easily. I'm glad you didn't think I was a complete nutcase by looking up a cleaning routine, I thought I was The site is: www.howtocleananything.com
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Post by sarajay28 on Dec 28, 2005 21:01:44 GMT
Hi Gizmoracer,
I felt compelled to reply after reading your post, i bet so many of us have been thinking the same as you. That we need to regain control of our lives/minds and get back to how we used to be. I know i have and your post has inspired me so much. Try not to beat yourself up about 'failing'. Why not try to look at it in a different way, instead of thinking about how much you DID'NT do today why not think about how much you actually DID do? Just a thought that might make you feel better about your goals/aims?? Hope you don't mind the suggestion, your post was so inspiring i would hate you to lose your enthusiasm by thinking your somehow failing. Your doing great, please keep us updated. Love that website by the way!! LOL ;D
Loadsa Love
Sarah.xxx
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Post by gizmoracer on Jan 3, 2006 20:23:05 GMT
Thought I really should keep this diary up now I've started it. So I survived the first few days of this year. MIL was first to bug me (surprise surprise). I think Hubby finally got the picture of how desperate I am to get out. He arranged with his parents to have the kids new years eve and for his Dad to drive for me so we could go out for dinner and a couple of drinks. I don't suppose he will ever understand just how greatful I was for that, it seems such a small thing but it really meant alot to me. I went to bed in a better mood and got up feeling great. Had loads on the agenda including ripping down the rotten xmas decorations (humbug). But within 10 mins of me getting up MIL is on the phone cancelling the whole thing . To be fair it wouldn't have bothered me if she hadn't done the samething for both my birthday and our anniv. oh yeah and 2 weekends on the trot. Anyone see a pattern? So needless to say that put me back on my downer, where I blissfully stayed. Yesterday it all came to a head. We don't row and certainly not infront of the kids (I don't belive in it). He rows - I strop. But the kids were getting on his nerves (nothing unusual) I was obviously eating away at them to and so hubby decides he is gonna throw a tantrum. The thing that really got to me was I had just started to feel a little better and had started to get on with a couple of things, but oh no he can't see what is being done only what isn't. To cut a long story short it all got too much for me so I decided to take the kids out of the situation, but thats classed as running away - continue the slanging match - Now being accused of being a loasy mother (I already know that one) and its ALL my fault the kids are difficult and clingy to me. Like no-one else they have contact with makes any difference at all (yeah right). So I decide if he thinks he is a better parent than me he can damn well prove it and off I go barefoot to the car shaking with anger . If he hadn't have come outside with my youngest in his arms I'd have gone and to be honest I don't think I would have ever come back. But the look on her face broke my heart and the thought of my son indoors wondering where I was and if I was coming back almost killed me. So that was the end of that one there I sat with the kids wiping the tears away for the next 2 hours. Hubby finds some old cigars and starts smoking again (after 4 weeks of giving up). This morning (talking again, like nothing has happened) he asks me to help support him with the giving up smoking thing. So I agree to remind him to wear a patch and say I will go back to the GP so long as he supports me get though. What answer do I get "get through what ". Have you ever wanted to slap someone soooo hard. Are all men like this or has anyone found one that understands?
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Post by cheshire on Jan 4, 2006 9:56:39 GMT
Hi gizmoracer
How are things with you today? Sorry you've had a more difficult time lately...
I think it must be very difficult for men to understand - my hubby didn't really for ages...but this has gradually changed. He's talked to my GP about it and also watched the odd documentary and read a few posts on here. I think he does understand now that you can't just make it 'go away' or by thinking positively you'll just instantly 'get better' ...
But overall, I think why I like coming on here is that I know I will be understood without lengthy explanations and stuff. And we all seem to have so much common ground..
Anyway, I just hope this finds you having a better day
Hopefulxx
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Post by gizmoracer on Feb 10, 2006 0:01:42 GMT
First off Hopeful I am so sorry I didn't reply to your last post. Been really down and totally unmotivated recently, only been flitting on the site briefly. So anyway an update. I have secured myself one night a week (well 1 1/2 hrs actually). A friend and I started going to Pilate's, I really enjoy it. and the kids are staying with Dad problem free (so far). Started a few diets and ended them on the same day. About normal for me, I just can't find a way of fitting in extra work food wise in my already complicated and chaotic life. Plus my other half is underweight and snacking something chronic due to giving up smoking. It seems to cost so much more as well, which is not helpful when I have a husband who does nothing but spend and is making it difficult for me to go out and do my catalogs to earn some extra money. OK so I'll put my hands up to it, I'm having a everybody hates me week (month, year so far). I've started getting very paranoid again, having panic attacks about going out and keep dreaming about suicide, everything is such a struggle with no reward at the end, and I just don't see the point. For 4 weeks on the trot the in laws have been promising to have the kids Saturday evening so we can go out for a meal/drink. And every week without fail they have let us down. Its really starting to hurt now. On the plus side I have got a GP appointment in the morning (very early) Its the second one in 2 weeks, had to cancel the last one my son had an asthma attack. Not his fault of coarse but I had syked myself up for it. Now I can't sleep, it all keeps going over in my head. I don't really know my doctor. Have only been at this surgery for a couple of years and don't know how she is going to react to me. In the past all GPs do is dish out meds. But I know thats not the answer, yes it helps (well sort of, takes 3 mths to kick in, makes me feel constantly sick and gives a minimal pick me up). Think I could really do with seeing a counselor or something. Thing is I know I will have trouble talking to the GP and saying exactly how I feel. I normally either go in looking and feeling fine because I am so chuffed that I made it or I just collapse in tears and can't talk. Roll on tomorrow afternoon when it is all over with. Must remember to post how it went, I want to print and keep all this to look back on when I am all better or in the event that my daughter suffers when she is grown up, just so she knows I will support her and that she isn't a freak, like I feel right now.
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Post by yoyo on Feb 10, 2006 21:23:05 GMT
Sorry to crash on your diary Giz....
Just wanted to say we're here for you. You're not a freak and it's OK to feel how you do at the moment, it WILL pass but you must be patient with yourself. You have a horrid illness that WILL go away but you have to give yourself time to be ill. It's so hard and I really feel for you at the moment. Please tell us how things go at the docs. You're doing so well - trying to be positive even though you feel so bad. You are a very strong woman and WILL beat this illness once and for all one day x x x x Keep talking x x
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Post by gizmoracer on Feb 13, 2006 0:08:12 GMT
Thanks Yoyo. I needed that Feeling alot better today. Going to the docs was really embarassing, I knew as soon as I got in there I would burst into tears, and I did. I don't really know my doc that well but she seems really nice and understanding. She asked loads of questions and actually seemed interested in the answers, something no other doc has done. I am now on citalopram instead of prozac. Not sure what the differnce is. She wants to see me again in 2 weeks and made the appointment on the spot instead of sending me out to the receptionist. (think that was to make sure I came back). She also told me to ring her if I get any worse or feel like walking out or worse again. I have also had 2 fairly good nights sleep which helps and have got back into my cataloging, going really well this week nearly trebled my expected orders ;D We can eat tomorrow ;D. Anyway all in all feeling better, just wait til the tabs kick in, I'll be bouncing off the walls giggling
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Post by cheshire on Feb 13, 2006 12:00:22 GMT
Hi
I'm so glad you're feeling better today and that you feel that you've been 'heard' by your GP. She sounds really understanding...
Anyway,hope you have a good week Hopefulx
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Mar 26, 2006 11:02:02 GMT
happy mothers day love hannah xx
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Post by gizmoracer on Mar 16, 2007 10:34:14 GMT
OMG nearly a whole year since I posted on here. How good am I at keeping a diary . So an update. Where do I start. I was trying to remember why I stopped writing this. Everything got really manic, my FIL had a stroke and a very close friend of the family (Bobonne, she was like a Nan to me) died in Belgium, Mum had to go over and help out, exactly 1 week after she died her husband (Bompa) hung himself. Needless to say this really effected me. Mum was back and forth to Belgium at very short notice most of the year, it was really hard for me coz one minute she was here then the next she was ringing to say my Uncle was picking her up in the morning and she didn't know when she would be back. I've never been without my Mum before and it was like having something missing. I'm close to my Dad too but its no replacement. Generally though last year consisted of me merrily plodding along as usual on my personal little yo yo, the MIL continuing to aggravate me and hubby, and then Steve gave up smoking again, started again then gave up again... and so on. Did I loose any weight? come on... I am now another stone heavier than I was last year Trying really hard not to worry about that one at the moment, there is enough going on right now. So anyway 3 weeks before Christmas Steve goes down with Viral Meningitis Scared the life out of me, just glad I recognized it so quickly and it was Viral. There he is bedridden in the pitch black blissfully unaware of the world around him and totally delirious and I'm trying to figure out how on earth I tell a 2 year old, 4 year old and a 10 year old their Dad is dead just a few days before Christmas. Thankfully it never came to that Nothing like a distraction to slap the depression out of you Unfortunately though as he has started to recover I have started to get lower and lower. What doesn't help is he is getting very frustrated with how slow his recovery feels. He wants to do stuff but can't physically do it. Steve is on Citalopram as well now, he says it seems to be helping. Then on top of this his work are trying to get rid of him (don't think it will come to that, but its still added pressure). We have also had a huge cafuffle over my sons school place. Very long winded so I won't go into it but it is now sorted out, thankfully. So I am now seeing a different doctor, for no particular reason, its just that he has been treating Steve so it seemed to make sense. He has referred me to a councilor. Strange I remember thinking a year ago I desperately needed to see one but I guess I've got so used to chaos now that I feel like a bit of a fraud. She rang me a couple of days ago and arranged an appointment for the following day. That shook me a bit, hence the post I put up asking others for their experiences. To cut along story short, she is really nice, not sure what I got out of the first session it was more her trying to get a picture of who everyone is and how we get on. She did however give me a suggestion for Steve's interview on Monday and asked if I thought it was possible that Joey's inconsistency with Steve might have something to do with her staying with the in-laws ?? might have to look into that one. They stayed with MIL when I went to see the councilor and oddly enough Joey wanted nothing to do with Dad when she got home, but was all over him this morning. She may have just been tired? I think I have waffled enough for now, had a bit of sleep last night and a good chat with hubby about the session so am feeling more refreshed today, roll on the housework. Eww look at the state to this place
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