Katrine - taking some action

[katrine]

Annabel is now 14 months which is a long time to be walking around with PNI, especially since I haven’t really sought help until now. It makes me feel I have wasted a lot of time as I have known something was wrong since a few months after her birth.

But I’m stubborn as hell and don’t feel bad all the time. Most of the time I’m able to cope, going by the day to day grind of childcare (with all the pleasures that come with it as well). Not feeling great but able to get on with things.

Hence when I have a bad spell I feel like an impostor. I give myself a really hard time when I break down in tears without any reason and am too tired to do anything. Too exhausted to do things and too angry with myself for feeling that way that I can’t properly relax either. Nobody else is telling me to simply pull it together, thankfully, but that is what I keep feeling.

I went to see my health visitor last summer and she came by for a few visits but I didn’t feel ‘properly’ bad enough to join the postnatal depression group. Now she has retired and I haven’t built up a relationship with the temp. I saw my gp in October and have been on the waiting list for counselling since then but still have months to go.

It feels like it is getting worse. I try and intellectualise it, reason with myself and tell myself that I have reasons for feeling low. My family is in another country, we moved just before I gave birth so I’ve had to try and build up friendships in a new area, finishing university in the first few months of Annabels life and the shock of motherhood when I have to admit Rob was the one who really wanted children in the first place.

I can see why I feel bad but I feel so powerless that knowing this doesn’t make me feel better. I can’t control my feelings and mood swings and this scares me. But now, after having tried controlling it myself for almost a year, I’m coming to a place of accepting that maybe I can’t. Maybe we can re-prioritise money to see a private counsellor. I would like to stay of antidepressants but maybe I can try herbal remedies. I have to take some action. It has gone on long enough. I want to start enjoying life and motherhood more.

[hannah457]

hi Katrine.

welcome to the forum ;D

this site is a wonderful place
if you need advice and support you can p.m me or reply in my diary

thinking of you
were all here for you
love Hannah xx

[katrine]

Thanks Hannah.

I appreciate your comments and welcome all comments and advice. I think it will take some time to get all my thought straightened out but others' thoughts sometimes make it a bit easier.

Went to Holland and Barrett today and bought some St Johns Wort, 5HTP, ginseng and Agnus Castus to see if herbal remedies can make a difference. Now just a bit concerned whether you can take too many remedies at the same time. Have looked around online but so far hasn't seen anything so hopefully it will be ok.

Had a tricky day though. I really try to enjoy the time i spend as a family with Rob and Annabel but I find it quite stressful and end up getting impatient and angry a lot. Rob tries to be understanding but he is mostly finding it really hard. I feel for him but it still doesn't help where i'm at. I have a feeling it is becoming a scenario where he dreads coming home from work and I don't want to be the angry wife he doesn't want to come back to. I mostly want to deal with this for me but also because if i don't i can see my little family falling apart.

How cliche it might sound, am trying to take one day at a time....

[cheshire]

Hi Katrine,

Welcome againx

I had PNI after my 2nd child and despite being terribly ill, especially between 3 - 10 months after the birth, I didn't really get the help I needed until month 8/9 (well I did get help, but we didn't really realise it was PNI until I started being more honest with myself and the professionals working with me..)

I too had some good days but also, am as stubborn as an old mule. I always used to be extremely loathe to ask for help about everything - little miss independent -and just thought it would pass, but it didn't straight away at all. The support and understanding was what really helped in the end - most of which I found here.

I do remember the feeling of being an imposter - like a stranger in my own life?? Hard, I know. Whilst you're waiting for counselling, this site might help - I found it so great to be able to talk to the lovely ladies here who knew what I was going through.

Just remember that it is a real illness - it is not totally in your control at all (well that's what I think anyway! Obviously I'm no medical professional). Even my GP said something along those lines to my husband.

But we are here for you whenever - hope we can help you a little bit

Love HopefulXX

[katrine]

Just have to post again as I’m filled with anger, frustration, sadness and hurt. My partner has just shouted that he can’t live like this, that he can’t keep going the way things are. It’s not necessarily over, we have been together for years and manage to work things through but I feel betrayed.

Without necessarily wanting to he makes me feel a lot worse by making it very clear that he feels like he is the victim of my mood swings. I might be over interpreting but what it spells out for me is that he thinks I can just snap out of this if I only really wanted to.

He is all bloody talk ‘when he has the energy’ about wanting to support and help out, that he understands. The hell he does. Maybe I’m not appreciating how difficult it is being on the other side and not being able to help but I’m trying and it doesn’t seem to be good enough.

I just find it very difficult being made responsible for all that happens between us on top of what is happening within me. I find myself considering alternatives for a while but with family in Denmark and no friends close enough to want to stay with them for a little while, especially with the baby, I feel stuck. I don’t even know if that would be the best solution, to give us some space, I think I would find that more stressful than staying and fighting on. There is just only so much fighting one can do without crumbling.

[katrine]

Feel a bit better this morning. Looked at the men's part of this site last night and started to sympathise a bit more with Rob about being on the receiving end of PNI.

Hopeful, I read some of your husband's posts. He gives some excellent advice, I even printed some out for Rob. Can you say thanks to him for me?

Here's to a better day. The sun is shining, Annabel is toddling around in a good mood and I'll try.

K x

[monica]

Dear Karine

I'm sorry things are tough for you. Motherhood can be a very difficult and isolating experience, not to mention exhausting. I got PNI after my 2nd child and it is horrible. You can really change personality. And it much more difficult if you don't have close friends/family to lean on. I found the resentment quickly built up.

I hope your herbal remedies make a difference. My brother takes St johns wort and says it has helped. I tood anti ds and they were the turning point for me. From hating life and feeling so ill, I slowly began to enjly things adn stopped crying all day.

PNI is an illness. Partners often can't understand firstly due to thefact there is no physical evidence of being ill, just the changes in personality adn behaviour. My partner was awful to me but he now says he just couldn't cope with the person I became and that was his way of dealing with it.

Other things that helped me were having a bit of time to myself. It's easy to fall into the routine of being a mum/cook/cleaner 24 hrs a day but you do need a bit of 'me' time. Is it possible for you to have a break without Annabell for a couple of hours.

Exercise definately boosts me. It releases endorphins ' the feel good chemical' and make s a huge difference in mood. have you tried something like that?

I know all the above can be hard to do and I don't mean to shove allthese tips down your throat. I just know how crap this illness can make you feel and the above are thigns that helped me recover.

Love

Monica

[cheshire]

Hi Katrine

Oh, he'll be really pleased, I will thank him.
I think the process of my husband reading and writing those posts was quite an insight for me as to how he was feeling. Think it helped.

Anyway, how are you today?
Anger and upset was such a big part of this illness for me too, but it will improvexx

Thinking of you
HopefulXX

[hannah457]

hey katrine.
how you doing hunni.

love hannah xx

[katrine]

Hi Hannah, thanks for posting. I just read your post about self harm. Hope you are ok. Sending you a big hug darling.

i'm not too bad. Have been taking St Johns Wort and 5 HTP for a week now and though I can't say it has revolutionised my world as yet, I'm not feeling really low even though there has been some tension with my partner over the weekend.

Today has been a bit strange. I'm a journalist and doing some freelance work at a newspaper but this was the first time i went into the office to work with them instead of working from home. So i was quite nervous and it played a bit on my insecurities.

Later I went to my first appointment with a counsellor to talk things through. I have been on the waiting list for an NHS counsellor for 6 months and finally gave up and decided to go private. I talked to my GP last week and he recommended this woman who comes to the surgery and charges 35. As far as I know that's not too bad for private counselling.

it went quite well. I talked and talked and talked. For a first session we touched on some pretty good things but then again, i have been trying to analyse myself out of this illness for over 6 months so I have gone through some options about why i feel this bad. I feel pretty good about talking to her which is so important with a counsellor so hopefully this will help, along with the herbs.

There has been a bit of tension in the air today though. Rob was at home looking afer Annabel and I think he was a little resentful as it was me out doing things while he was at home with her. But I'm just gonna shake it off, it is not worth me getting really resentful at him in return. Too many times, I react too strongly to small incidents because of my emotional turmoil, I want to slowly gain some control. Hopefully, on the way.....

Kat

[cheshire]

Hi Kat

Just to say, I'm really glad the counselling went ok. I found it really useful XX

Hopefulx