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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 25, 2006 12:49:53 GMT
Thank you, Veritee, hope all is okay with you.
So, so, so tired. Katie got up at midnight and came to bed with me, I don't mind, I find her presence comforting. Neither of us slept very well. Looking forward to the pointed, "You look tired today, Katie" from her nursery teacher (directed at me) when I go to pick her up. David is giving Tommy some lunch and then both of them are off to bed. I said I'd get a bath and collect Katie. Better put a face on.
Drowning in washing and I just want to sleep for a very long time. The sky is dark.
I have thank you letters to write but find handwriting quite hard for some reason, lack of concentration.
Got upset by two elderly ladies discussing the young woman in Newcastle in the waiting room, yesterday, they kept repeating, "Hang her" over and over again.
Thinking of getting a new haircut and some new glasses and my eyebrows done.
Speak later, rambling today. xxx
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Post by sianyc on Oct 25, 2006 13:04:14 GMT
hi Sod the nursery teacher - sounds like a battle axe Hope you get to rest later x
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Post by cheshire on Oct 25, 2006 18:04:57 GMT
Hi Rosycheeks,
I agree with Sian - and as for those two elderly ladies - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
Anyway, how did you get on with the washing mountain? How was your day? XX
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 26, 2006 1:50:59 GMT
oh, I am fine just started the washing, should be finished by Christmas. Just written a long confessional to my Dr. Gave up tonight during Dingo Hour, but David stepped in and did the business. I'd give him a gold medal, if I could. xxx
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 28, 2006 0:54:19 GMT
FridayI feel strange this evening. I had a very stressful (well stressful for me ) afternoon where I agreed to take Katie to nursery, Tommy and I visited my mum, and then I collected Katie from nursery. Everything seemed to go wrong, from losing my car keys, to parking badly at the schools and getting stuck on a volvo's tow bar, to meeting cows on the road when I was running late. The kids have been so good. Tommy was in bed by seven and Katie is asleep beside me now after I let her stay up with me. David is at work, I guess I am treating her, while keeping myself company. I do feel odd though, I was so so so tired late this afternoon, I was shaking and feeling as if I had flu. Now I can't sleep. David is on night shift for the next three nights. I hope I'll be okay. Made the mistake of drinking a wee bit tonight and hope this doesn't leave me depressed and hungover tomorrow, I have loads and loads to do. Mum is having a leaving party for my sister on Sunday, she is going to New Zealand for a month, David is working, and I really don't want to go. Mum says "no.pressure" but I feel guilty. I just can't face the full on family thing on my own and returning to an empty house having to get two children to bed myself. I am confused, lonely and I have no concentration. I don't feel suicidal anymore I just feel frustrated that I can't get on. Wishing not to sound melodramatic I feel like a (I'd imagine) a person who can't work their body properly. I see things, I want to get on, get started, move, motivated I want to clean and garden and sew and cook. But I am physically and mentally so exhausted after every little thing, I can't seem to get anywhere. Goodnight. Hugs to you all, Jane xxxx
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 29, 2006 2:05:27 GMT
SaturdayWhat is the difference between being down and being hungover? I drunk a bit last night, not loads but enough. I felt like utter crap all day. I coped withe the kids and even did some housework. I am tired. Why can't I sleep? I miss David, he is on night shift. It seems if I admit I am a tiny bit better I get 150% of it handed back on my plate, with no support, no questions, no help. Being crazy is better than this. Having a bath, drinking and being on my own is my only escape. Jane xxx
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Post by rosycheeks on Oct 29, 2006 16:32:51 GMT
Sunday Today is a bad day. I can't see any humour and I want to sleep. I am a selfish cow, bad tempered, bad mother. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I AM SO LONELY .
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Post by cheshire on Oct 29, 2006 18:11:07 GMT
Hi Rosycheeks,
This illness is so lonely isn't it? But I hope it helps just a little to know that there are other women out here listening to you and understanding what you say & really hoping you have a good day soonx
Thinking of you Hopefulxx
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Post by Veritee on Oct 29, 2006 18:24:42 GMT
( my post crossed with yours hopeful)
I know that feeling of loneness -
and I have used alcohol - and still do when I am not on the case and go on the wagon - to drink the long evenings away to to cover up how lonely I can get when Barry is away at sea. Then the next morning I would feel even worse - a vicious circle really.
Barry is away at sea for up to 3 months at a time - its hell I have always hated it and always will!!!
What does David do? Does he do a night shift often? Did he work today Sunday, is he home tonight or on night shift again tonight?
Because Barry could not stay home from work however bad I felt when and refused to consider another job
When I had PNI I got so lonely I felt/was lonely even when Barry was home because he did not really take responsibility or understand what I was going through with PNI.....he did 'catch up ' with it later but not before I had gone through hell alone.
Is it like this for you or are you only lonely when David is working??
I know how well that a forum like this is not enough
But all I can offer is this forum is here 24/7 for you to use and even if no one responds at the time , you will get an answer as soon as we can
How are you now?
Love VeriteeXX
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Post by cazfletcher on Oct 29, 2006 21:00:08 GMT
you go girl!!! much love, caz & little cavan xxx
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Post by sianyc on Nov 1, 2006 21:41:12 GMT
hi We're all here for you. Alcohol was a big no no for me for a while. All it did was produce a string a down days to cope with. I stopped completely for a while cos it was easier to cope with ups and downs when I knew they weren't self-inflicted I've caught up on your posts from the last week or so and I recognised so much of myself from 9 months ago. I dreaded going anywhere without Gary as the back up and hated being on my own to bath and get the kids to bed. This has got loads better - hang in there Take care x
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Post by rosycheeks on Nov 2, 2006 17:32:40 GMT
Thank you, Sian.
I have never been a big drinker, but lately if I start I can't seem to stop. I really enjoy being drunk. Unfortunately, I realise that the downer is overwhelming. I am spending the whole day in bed and it is like I haven't taken AD's for weeks. I think I am going to have to knock it on the head for a while too. Thank you all for your helpful comments.
My CPN came yesterday and was really pleased at my positive reaction to the Venalflaxine. My mum commented on the telephone this afternoon, that she has been feeling ill today, but had go to bed and had peace and quiet all day, she said she thought, "I bet Jane would like to do this." - YES! I would! Glad she realises how hard recovery is when you can't get any real rest at all.
Veritee - thank you too, David is a paramedic and works random shift patterns. It is hard to get in a routine, but I enjoy having him at home for long stretches.
Today has been quiet, Katie kept us all up last night, refusing to go to bed and watching Shrek at full volume in the middle of the night, in turn waking her brother who screamed the house down. The TV has now gone from upstairs. She spent the day asleep on the sofa. David is working this evening. Early night for us all I think. Hugs to those who need them, Jane xxx
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Post by chica on Nov 3, 2006 10:47:35 GMT
Hi Rosycheeks, Did you manage to get an early night? I too can so understand when you say, how lonely and isolated you are, and as for motivation for doing anything, it was all I could do to get out of bed. I think I can safefly say I used to have to survive every day, I was not living but surviving, (hope that makes sense). Although now I am a bit frightened to say this, just in case it is tempting fate, but at last I am beginning to feel better about things, so hang on in there, if there is hope for me there is hope for everyone. L0ve and Hugs Chica
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Post by rosycheeks on Mar 3, 2007 3:06:41 GMT
Hello I just thought, I'd check in with you guys again and say hello. I am a bit scared to even look at my previous posts - like when reading a horror novel and you don't know what it going to jump off the page at you! But I wanted to say what has happened with me in the past months since I last posted.
I had a massive breakdown post Christmas, and luckily had loads of support from my family, doctor and psychologist, my husband, unknown to me was considering hospitalizing me, but luckily I managed to ride the horrible time at home with help. I have put my son into a private nursery two times a week so that he gets the socialisation, that I can't give him, because the thought of mother and toddler groups still terrifies me. I haven't gone back to work and have accepted I never will. Well, not to this job anyway. I applied for incapacity benefit today, something I couldn't have done for myself two months ago. I am hoping to start my own company at craft fairs and on the internet. We might lose our lovely house over this, but I know I can't possibly go back to working for local government. I am having a spate of extremely good days, I am being a good housewife and competent mother. Yesterday, I had a hideous day, when I screamed inside all day and just wanted to die. I cried for help to my mother and get the impression that people are seriously bored with my depression. I have now accepted (and so have my wonderful children) that Mummy has 'sad days'. I just write them off, and fight to look forward to the good stuff. I am probably drinking too much, and I am interested in how it reacts with my anti-ds, Venlaflaxine. I know a number of women who are struggling with this drug and booze. So, I would like to say, "Hi there, there is light at the end of the tunnel" but I do believe that the sooner you accept your depression is with you forever, but may hide it's ugly head for days. months, years at a time, the sooner you can get on with your life.
much love to you all suffering, I wish I could hug and drink tea with all of you. I am shocked to see how many new people have joined since me. It is so sad. Take care, you aren't alone. What a marvelous site. I'd love to win the lottery and donate tons of money to it.
Jane xxxxx
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Post by chica on Mar 3, 2007 10:28:48 GMT
Hi Jane, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have obviously been having a horrendouse time in these last few months, I have often wondered how you were getting on. But it sounds as if with a lot of help and support, that you are managing to take some control back in your life, and have reached some very important decisions. Hopefully now things will improve for you, but please remember try not to put any pressure on yourself to hurry things along. It is a very long process, we are all still here for you, so keep on talking. Sending you lots of love and hugs Chica
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