Post by kellykelly on Mar 31, 2007 0:18:17 GMT
Hope this will be able to help me make sense of how I'm feeling. I think I know what makes me feel better and worse but the days merge into weeks and I get so confused. May be this will help me remember.....
Positives
Today has been great, best day in months.
Don't know if it's the sertraline starting to work.
The sun was shining and I noticed.
Lilly has a tooth and I couldn't stop smiling!
Phoned home and didn't feel like a moaner.
Wrote up some lovely things in the much-neglected baby book and felt all loved up for my beautiful girl.
Wantonly sat on my arse and didn't do the housework even though the entire flat could feature on "How clean is your house?"
Beat up some dodgy looking characters on the Wii - had the energy and the inclination to be physical!
Read a bit of the newspaper and could concentrate! Yippee!
Went to the dentist on my own, walked back, felt fine.
Spent time actively playing with Lilly and really enjoyed it.
Only thought Lilly was going to die of food poisoning once and didn't even think about her drowning in the bath until I thought about it now!
Had a snoozy cuddle with Pete on the sofa for a whole 30 minutes (until Lilly woke up!) realised I haven't hugged him for more than a few seconds in months. We hug and give little pecks every day but nothing too long - I get panicky and push away. Mmm nice cuddle, must try it again soon.
Negatives
Even though Pete took Lilly out for 2 hours I didn't do any housework and this evening this is making me really anxious, can't even look in the direction of the kitchen without feeling edgy. There's one very clean space strictly reserved for preparing Lilly's food that only I know how to use (!?!) Pete can't even give her a cup of water without me hovering over him making sure it's sterile. He's very understanding but I can tell he gets very annoyed that have to "supervise"
Still forgetting to eat and I know it makes me feel even worse. Haven't cooked anything for Pete and he's at work all night. Cooked myself some pasta at 11pm. Had one cup of tea, not enough water and a chocolate bar and a horrible plate of leftovers that I scoffed standing up at the fridge and then felt very sick as I ate too quickly. Must make a plan of our meals. Have a plan for Lilly but not for us.
Phoned home and LIED about being at work when I'm not, how I'm "Really Great, Mum, honestly - just a blip. Don't worry. How are YOU?" Parents are not doing well. Feeling of dread that Pa is going downhill fast, nothing specific but ageing before our eyes. So sad, 64 is to young to be so old. Feel terrible. Still can't get used to these feelings being an illness, want to give myself a big slap and get my self together when I think how Pa is suffering.
Done too much. Have a great day then ruin it by trying to do "just one more thing", get my knickers in a twist and all the feelings flood back in. ARRGH! I just want to know that tomorrow will be a good day, is that too much to ask? I go to bed wondering every night if the next day will be ok and it's driving me nuts! Almost relieved when it's crap and then it can only get better, bad days after good are the worst. Supposed to be going out as a family so just hope it is a "good day" because we really need this. Just worried that all the friends at the match will want to talk. Today I haven't stopped talking but some days are silent days when I can't think, can't speak and feel so full of nothing at all. Don't want to cry in front of Pete's friends.
Remembered a whole bunch of stuff for work and felt like a flood gate had opened in my head. I love my job but I just can't face it. Been signed off for a bit more. Might be a good day but I can't even let myself go there, just thinking work makes my stomach cramp.
Had the chance to go out with Pete and Lilly and was too anxious even though I went out all on my own with no fuss first thing this morning. Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!! Supposed to be going out with Pete tomorrow but have sabotaged the plans already by not washing my "going out clothes". I have one outfit that fits and is remotely fashionable. As I don't go out I slob around in maternity clothes and pete's cast offs. Can't justify spending any money when I'm still this size.
Sabotaged things even more by staying up this late... but at least I've started the diary so that's another positive.
Let's see how tomorrow goes.
Positives
Today has been great, best day in months.
Don't know if it's the sertraline starting to work.
The sun was shining and I noticed.
Lilly has a tooth and I couldn't stop smiling!
Phoned home and didn't feel like a moaner.
Wrote up some lovely things in the much-neglected baby book and felt all loved up for my beautiful girl.
Wantonly sat on my arse and didn't do the housework even though the entire flat could feature on "How clean is your house?"
Beat up some dodgy looking characters on the Wii - had the energy and the inclination to be physical!
Read a bit of the newspaper and could concentrate! Yippee!
Went to the dentist on my own, walked back, felt fine.
Spent time actively playing with Lilly and really enjoyed it.
Only thought Lilly was going to die of food poisoning once and didn't even think about her drowning in the bath until I thought about it now!
Had a snoozy cuddle with Pete on the sofa for a whole 30 minutes (until Lilly woke up!) realised I haven't hugged him for more than a few seconds in months. We hug and give little pecks every day but nothing too long - I get panicky and push away. Mmm nice cuddle, must try it again soon.
Negatives
Even though Pete took Lilly out for 2 hours I didn't do any housework and this evening this is making me really anxious, can't even look in the direction of the kitchen without feeling edgy. There's one very clean space strictly reserved for preparing Lilly's food that only I know how to use (!?!) Pete can't even give her a cup of water without me hovering over him making sure it's sterile. He's very understanding but I can tell he gets very annoyed that have to "supervise"
Still forgetting to eat and I know it makes me feel even worse. Haven't cooked anything for Pete and he's at work all night. Cooked myself some pasta at 11pm. Had one cup of tea, not enough water and a chocolate bar and a horrible plate of leftovers that I scoffed standing up at the fridge and then felt very sick as I ate too quickly. Must make a plan of our meals. Have a plan for Lilly but not for us.
Phoned home and LIED about being at work when I'm not, how I'm "Really Great, Mum, honestly - just a blip. Don't worry. How are YOU?" Parents are not doing well. Feeling of dread that Pa is going downhill fast, nothing specific but ageing before our eyes. So sad, 64 is to young to be so old. Feel terrible. Still can't get used to these feelings being an illness, want to give myself a big slap and get my self together when I think how Pa is suffering.
Done too much. Have a great day then ruin it by trying to do "just one more thing", get my knickers in a twist and all the feelings flood back in. ARRGH! I just want to know that tomorrow will be a good day, is that too much to ask? I go to bed wondering every night if the next day will be ok and it's driving me nuts! Almost relieved when it's crap and then it can only get better, bad days after good are the worst. Supposed to be going out as a family so just hope it is a "good day" because we really need this. Just worried that all the friends at the match will want to talk. Today I haven't stopped talking but some days are silent days when I can't think, can't speak and feel so full of nothing at all. Don't want to cry in front of Pete's friends.
Remembered a whole bunch of stuff for work and felt like a flood gate had opened in my head. I love my job but I just can't face it. Been signed off for a bit more. Might be a good day but I can't even let myself go there, just thinking work makes my stomach cramp.
Had the chance to go out with Pete and Lilly and was too anxious even though I went out all on my own with no fuss first thing this morning. Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!! Supposed to be going out with Pete tomorrow but have sabotaged the plans already by not washing my "going out clothes". I have one outfit that fits and is remotely fashionable. As I don't go out I slob around in maternity clothes and pete's cast offs. Can't justify spending any money when I'm still this size.
Sabotaged things even more by staying up this late... but at least I've started the diary so that's another positive.
Let's see how tomorrow goes.
