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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 19, 2007 21:08:02 GMT
Absolutely shattered. Have a head cold and have dragged myself about all day at work. I am not a morning person. Just going to write what I did today to remind myself when I look back at this diary in months to come. 0530: get up boil baby's water for feed. 30mins to cool down as per instructions. 0535-0555 : Have shower get dressed for work. Attempt to eat something but gag it back up. Think the headcold taking appetite away. Mouth feels like a dry stick, have a Lemsip for breakfast. 0555-0645 :baby wakes up. change nappy, feed breakfast and bottle. Takes longer than normal cos he has the cold too. 0700: Leave for work. Drive 1 hr 0815: Drop him off at childminder. 0830: get into work. Have cry in toilet. Feel shattered.Face and sinuses really achy. 0830-1500: Out and about: team meeting(tiring and too much office politics), patients are the good bit. Write notes and pass on work to assisstant for next week when I am on holiday. 1600: Pick him up from childminder. £29.75 for 8.5 hrs( wonder how much it will be in a few years time?) 1630:Meet up with mum, go shopping at tescos then have something to eat. Still feel shattered, vision went in and out of focus at one point like if you were yawning. 1815: Drive home 1 hr 1915: Arrive home. immediate chores include in this order: Boil kettle, start baby's bath running, empty baby's dirty clothes from day bag and put then in the wash, change his bedsheets, stop bath, feed cats, bath baby, hang out baby's clothes,feed baby his supper and bottle, have a little cuddle ( baby not quite asleep but settled and not wriggling about for a change) 2020:Put baby to bed. Falls asleep immediatly. Looks adorable. I love him so much it makes it all worthwhile. 2030-2130 Change cat litter, wash dishes, empty bin and take it downstairs to outside bucket, put shopping away,load washing machine for tomorrows wash,clean shower and bathroom. 2130-2200 write diary. I had meant to do some more packing tonight but am just too weary. Wont see much of hubby this week, working long shifts so we are like ships that pass in the night. He hasn't phoned me today, seemed a bit off this morning when I popped my head round the door of the living room, maybe I've done something else wrong. Maybe he's just tired and grumpy. Hope I get over this cold tomorrow. Going to try and get some sleep.Feel so exhausted.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 20, 2007 13:24:59 GMT
God.What can I say? Hubby slept on the couch again when he got in from work about 0230. I got up at six and sorted the baby, usual routine, nappy, brekkie etc then put baby down to bed cos I still feel lousy with the cold. Hubby came into bed about 0730 but turned his back on me and wouldn't speak. Then I was sleeping and baby woke up and I was so knackered I left it a few minutes before I was going to get up, but OH grumpily got him up and brought him through and dumped him on me. So I got up and started trying to do the chores quietly, can't use the microwave etc cos it interferes with the TV in the bedroom.Plus keep baby amused. But it wasn't enough. Hubby got up about 1230, still not speaking to me. Everything I said got a sarcastic remark back so I gave up and just tried to keep out of his way. I said had I done something wrong and he said think about it, what had I been up to the past few days, he couldn't get it out of his head and was at the stage where he doesn't want to come home. I haven't actually seen him for more than a few minutes all week because he is working such long shifts. I don't think he is going to be able to move on from what happened on Friday despite what he said on Saturday. Is this what splitting up feels like? I can't relax or look at him or touch him, I know he'll push me away and reject me. I really miss him and need to be held. I don't think he trusts me anymore. He said on Saturday that what he felt the most was disappointment but I think that's turning into resentment now. He can't be more disppointed in me than I am in myself. Plus I've got a health visitor phoning trying to come see me since the police reported the domestic violence. It is the last thing I feel like. Can't believe that this time next week I am supposed to be in the process of moving house.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 20, 2007 19:16:26 GMT
Hi Sunflower
So sorry hun. Perhaps your OH just needs a bit more time to get over it? Give it a bit more time mate, or maybe try talking to him about what happened ans your illness again?
Thinking of you x
Winegirl x
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 21, 2007 22:25:49 GMT
Well this will be possibly my last post for a week cos we are supposed to be taking down the computer tomorrow in preparation for the move. He's still so angry at me. He said he has looked at help websites and that the bbc has a checklist and he had loads more than the two required ticks to indicate spousal abuse. He says he is sick of my bullying controlling behaviour. He has been made to do stuff he has not wanted to do for the past 6 months. He said what have I done all week, nothing nothing. I had promised him I would get help but have done nothing this week. Said that I couldn't get up out of my bed before 10 o'clock.(that's not true, I am up at 5/6ish to get baby's breakfast ready, but I couldn't contradict him) He is now saying that I have hit him three times now in the past month. He said he is the victim in all this and that if he had done the same to me he would be in jail and I would be in a shelter. He said if I could to that to him then it was only a matter of time before I hurt the baby. He told me he is working late shifts and oncall all next week apart from thursday which is when we move. He was supposed to be working tomorrow but said he is going to spend all day in the pub and he is taking his friend fishing on Monday the bank holiday unless his shifts change. So he'll be working, driving or sleeping next week. I said I just wanted someone to tell me everythings going to be ok, I couldn't stop crying and he said to stop putting a guilt trip on him by crying. I said does this mean you are giving up on me and he said I had given up on myself. I felt tired defeated and remorseful after he left for work, but I can feel myself starting to get annoyed now, he is getting out of a lot of things by using this against me. I have had to go to and from the motor trader 40 mile trip each way with the baby 3 times in the last week to get the car sorted while he hides behind his work not interested in getting any satisfaction or redress, just wanted to trade in the car for £1200 loss. Too much money for us to absord with the baby and move etc. So now he is going to be useless at helping pack this weekend cos all his free time's going to be spent in the pub or recovering enough to take the oncall back on Sunday night. So no quality family time there either. Told my sister and brother about what happened. They were very supportive but agreed that I shouldn't tell mum, she would worry too much. They both said that I was a wonderful mother and not to let my mum or Hubby or anyone else make me feel inadequate. My brother said I was too lonely and isolated and needed to try and get some interests. I explained that with hubby's changing shifts and oncall I can't do anything regular. I love looking after my baby, he gives me such joy and he is so smiley and happy and is always happy to see me and I don't need to try and anticipate his mood. It really hurt me to be accused of being capable of hurting him. Think I'll take baby for a trek out in the hills tomorrow if the weather's nice. Don't feel like being indoors alone waiting for OH to get home drunk. I actually hope he sleeps on the couch tonight when he gets home from work.
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Post by cheshire on Sept 21, 2007 22:56:32 GMT
Hi Sunflower
I have been catching up with your diary.
I'm going to Pm you
Hopefulx
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 22, 2007 13:37:41 GMT
Feeling better today, although still tired. Hubby in a better mood today which eases the tension. So he has gone to the pub to play darts. Baby sleeping, his meal is all set up. Am putting off packing boxes and dismantling Ikea bookcase by writing this diary. Just got Miss Marple on TV in the background. I find it soothing. Nothing to gruesome which seems to permeate TV these days. Will take baby out for a walk once he has woken up and been fed, cos the sun is still shining outside and can't miss an opportunity. Thanks Hopeful for the PM.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 23, 2007 7:09:09 GMT
Am so tired. Hubby went to pub yesterday so I took baby for a walk in the papoose up a local hill. Was a lovely evening. Just getting outside for an hour really cleared my head. I realise I can still do things by myself. If he doesn't want to come then there is nothing to stop me taking baby myself. What made me sad was that there were two other couples with babies the same age as mine taking their babies out as a family. I felt a bit like a single parent, but it was nice to talk to people and pass the time of day. Got home. Hubby drunk, wanted to talk and talk and tell me how hard things have been for him. How he loved me but didn't trust me anymore the trust was gone. He told his mum what happened and now she says that it is up to him what he does. Great. She will be just loving this. Was knackered and tried really hard not to have an argument which was very difficult. This is what I mean. The times when I have been drunk and he has been tired he doesn't take me on at all and gets verbally abusive about me disrupting his precious sleep. Yet when he decides to communicate I have to listen to him. He just doesn't understand I am ill and need help and understanding. Which would involve realising I am having difficulty getting to sleep these days and so when I am tired I only have a short time to try to sleep before I miss the opportunity and wake up. He is sleeping now. I have got up and fed baby. Think I'll try sleeping on the couch.
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Post by cheshire on Sept 23, 2007 12:38:49 GMT
Hope you did get a bit of a restx
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 24, 2007 10:46:05 GMT
Got some rest, felt not too bad yesterday. OH decided not to go scouting the countryside for fishing spots with his pal and had a family drive instead. Was quite nice, went to a german market and then for a long drive to the seaside. Talking ok in the car. Went to Largs and the Vikingar! which was good. Baby in great form as usual. Only had a wee cry in the car on the way home before falling asleep. More motivated today. OH on night shift tonight. Feel like I could actually get into packing more boxes of stuff. So will cut this diary short here. Hubby now wants to read this diary. Read today's entry and corrected it.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 24, 2007 12:58:23 GMT
Hi Sunflower
Glad things have imprved for you a bit x Hope you managed to get some of that packing done? Thinking of you x
Winegirl x
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 24, 2007 21:32:17 GMT
Slowly getting the packing done. Hubby away fishing all day, lucky baby was his usual good little self and I am organised with frozen home made meals in ice cube trays for his dinner this week. Need to take the pictures down and depersonalise this place. Need to phone the health visitor tomorrow and arrange a visit. Feeling generally more calm today. Hubby says he'll help me pack for a bit tomorrow before he goes to work.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 25, 2007 21:31:26 GMT
Shattered. At mother and toddler group today. Hubby took down the computer and did a load of packing. I'm still doing the kitchen and the bedroom. Think I'm almost at the stage of chucking things in black bags and to hell with sorting, boxing and labelling! Hubby still having mood swings, can't say a pleasant word to me all day and now he has sat for two hours watching tv he seems to have chilled out a bit more. roll on Friday. Really need to speak to health visitor tomorrow.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 26, 2007 4:48:23 GMT
Well today is the last day I'll be here in this flat. I should be more sad to leave it but recently it has been filled with such bad memories I am quite relieved. Can't wait to get away from this town. Slept on the couch last night. Can see the appeal for OH. Will probably sleep there again tonight.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 26, 2007 15:45:07 GMT
Good luck for Friday hun. x Hope you managed to speak to HV today?
Winegirl x
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 29, 2007 21:25:29 GMT
Thanks winegirl. Spoke to HV on Wednesday, she was very understanding. Cos I'm to stay with my GP till I am properly settled into the new house the HV says she can talk to me and provide counselling service. But I still feel like big brother is watching me and I can't have a drink or lose my temper ever again. Generally feeling more like how I used to be, maybe the Setraline is working?
The move went without a hitch, we were moved and into the new house by 2pm! The cats have settled in really well. Baby a bit more unsettled and grumpy though, not sure he likes his new room.Feeling quite energised. The new house is great. A few blips, we need to buy a new washing machine because the one the old lady left is broken, but it is a minor thing.
Hubby had a crash in the car this morning, he got a bad fright and waited till the afternoon to phone me. He swerved to avoid a tractor and lost control of the car. It made me realise I still love him and need him despite all our recent problems.
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