Sunflower's Diary

[winegirl]

Glad the move went well! Baby may just need a few days to adjust to the new settings I guess.

Sorry about your hubby's accident. Was he ok? Did the car get much damage? Funny how these things can throw things back into percpective sometimes.

I hope you enjoy your new home hun!

Winegirl x

[sunflower2007]

Hubby's car prang least of my worries today. Had all the relatives over,the whole tribe and I lost the plot when my sisters in law started reorganising my kitchen cupboards. Started shouting and swearing and one of my sisters in law was shouting and swearing back. My mum was there too and she didn't help.The other sister in law had a go at mum in the street and mum has a heart condition.
How embarrassing in front of all the neighbours as well. What must they be thinking, only two days in and already causing a fuss.
My sister phoned later on and told me I need to buck myself up and try to control my anger against Mum, Hubby and the inlaws. Or else get help.I need to be careful in case they report me and the baby ends up on some sort of at risk register. I'd been feeling so good recently too. I suppose it is a culmination of all the years of biting my tongue and yet now I don't seem to be able to hold it in any more.

[sunflower2007]

Cant sleep, keep going over what I would like to say to inlaws in my head. Feel remarkably unremorseful, and a sense of freedom after saying what I like. This must be how my sister in law feels all the time. Righteous. Hubby got me to agree I would phone them to apologise tomorrow if they didn't phone me first. I suppose I have to, in order to keep the peace. But it still feels very unfair that they can be so rude and ignorant all the time and I have to put on a smiley face and listen to all their pontificating. I am fed up with them bullying, intimidating and walking over me. I am prepared to be civil for my husband and baby's sake but surely I am allowed to try to keep some semblance of self respect? I feel like Michael Douglas in "Falling Down" when he said "When did I become the bad guy?"

[winegirl]

Hi Sunflower

When we first moved in to our house I had a friend doing something similar with resorganising things like furniture in my house and I lost the plot at her too. I think you were right to say your piece!

I think you do need to try to keep the peace to keep them on side a bit, but certainly wouldn't let them walk all over you!

I hope today is a bit more settled for youx

Winegirl x

[gizmoracer]

Ooooo the anger phrase of PNI. I'm an expert at that one ;)lol, especially when it comes to in-laws.

Its really hard I know, all I can say is try and vent as much of it as possible on here, if you take a nose through the search you might find a post I started back in Aug '05 ish when my hubbys grandad died and I got so irrate with the in-laws over their behaviour it was unreal.

In so saying that though don't let anyone walk over you, you are a mother now and you have your own family to look after and protect. If that means loosing it with people once in a while then so be it, just make sure its a worthy cause. I found the anger was a big part of my illness and it is still the first thing to crop back up on a bad day, I think its to do with an overwhelming need to protect your child.

Hope you don't have to eat too much hummble pie.

[sunflower2007]

Phoned and apologised, was awkward but ok. Hubby is just totally on their side saying that I am the one who lost it. Phoned Relate and was told they will put us on the waiting list. Why do I have to do everything. He refuses to contact the counsellor or doctor says it must be me because I am the one with the problem. But he is watching me the whole time and I am walking on eggshells. I feel as if I have been put in my place with regard to his family. When I said I had phoned the sister I argued with he said that that was diplomacy on her part, actually holding back even though you dont like the person for the sake of the family. He can go to Christmas with his family himself this year. I am not strong enough to keep control of myself in front of them anymore. I will go see my sister in Barcelona with the baby. Like hell will I let them get their hands on him. Hypocrites. Hubby is still feeling angry and wronged. He is punishing me verbally now, constantly asking what I am doing in a nasty tone of voice. I feel constantly under attack and have to justify my every action. I just want to keep things civil. But I feel we are both at the point where we could walk away. There are always other options. My brother said that he doesnt like the way hubby talks to me and has always put me down in front of everybody. He said I am just under tremendous stress and my confidence has been gradually chipped away over the years. My Mum said his family treats me as if I am invisible they take over and bully me and yet I have more qualifications and a better job than all of them. These things upset my Mum, sister and brother. The only answer I can think of just now is to stay away from the inlaws totally. Forever. Then I won't be "put in my place" or have to compromise to keep them happy. I think other people do it. It cant all be me, it takes two people to make an argument. Hubby, I dunno, for someone who says he loves me he makes me feel like a piece of rubbish, why would he do that if he loved me?

[Syn]

Hi Sunflower thankyou for the help on colic. I couldn`t help but reply on the part of being spoken to like rubbish, I completely understand how you must feel. Im spoken to like rubbish and shouted at on a daily basis which I find extremely hard as I am one of those people that would retaliate straightaway and would not stand crap from anybody but for some reason I take it from him. I admit I retaliate sometimes but it makes it worse so I just leave it, turn away so he can`t see the tears fall down my face. My most recent ones 'your f**king stupid', 'unfit mother', 'are you 'f**king deaf' and so on. It hurts because they are suppose to love you and support you not make you feel worthless. I really hope things improve between you and him and his family. Things would be so much more simple if we had a magic wand to make things perfect.
Take Care
Syn xxxxx

[sunflower2007]

Went to the doctor today. She has upped my meds to 100mg. Says I am doing all the right things, exercising, looking for social activities locally, organising counselling with relate. I have to stay off the booze - no problem there. I don't trust myself anymore. She hopes we may come out stronger as a couple after all this. Forgot to tell her about the dizzyness and feeling faint.
Has been good to have a couple of quiet days. Hubby was feeling randy last night so I got it over with quickly. I think he could tell. He got his new car today, they gave him even less of a trade in when they saw what he'd done to it hitting it off that wall. Well he will just have to do more overtime to make up the money. But at least he is happy now. I got my new house and he got his new car. So we are quits now.
Went shopping with baby after seeing the doctor. Bought myself some trousers and got baby a suit to wear at my friends wedding next Friday. He will look great. Went for lunch with baby at a local meditation centre that has all sorts of interesting classes and the tearoom is vegetarian. They are doing a firewalking workshop soon. I have put my name down for the African drumming workshop on the 14th. I used to be into all that sort of thing before I got married, it would be good to do it again.
Went swimming on Wednesday while hubby stayed at home and looked after baby after he came back from the pub. My sister phoned and he apparently had a really good long conversation with her. I'm glad. He was quite drunk on Wednesday night and was saying how I was his best friend and he would be lost without me, that he needs reassurance and love as well. As I looked at him I realised I do love him though I felt the responsibility of it all crushing me like a coke can in a vacuum. I shouldnt over analyse things.
Cut my grass for the first time yesterday and pruned the overgrown shrubs in the front garden. Felt really good. Not just the sense of achievment but proud that it was my grass and I was cutting it. Hubby planted some bulbs and baby was in his buggy. Lovely family evening.

[sunflower2007]

Forgot to say: Baby doing OK at the new nursery, though they are not the same as the childminder. I preferred the childminder but nursery is closer and hubby can occasionally drop him off and pick him up. I thought he had a couple of bruises on his feet today after being at nursery yesterday but hubby says it is just his veins. Maybe I am being paranoid but I am going to keep an eye on it. I'm sure his feet didn't look like that after the childminder.

[sunflower2007]

Hubby at the pub, baby in his cot having a wee sleep, dinner all organised so am writing this instead of washing the windows and putting washing away. Spoke to my sister she said that in the talk with hubby he talked but didn't listen. He asked her what he had to do to make my mum like him, she answered stop smoking and drinking in the pub. he apparently replied "apart from that, what should he do?" He doesn't want to change and so he wont.

Went to a craft fair in the village hall. Ate too much home baking and tablet, but it was nice to talk to people who are friendly. I feel happier here. I think I can still live with hubby but make a life for myself without expecting anything from him. He used to do so much more than smoke and go to the pub but now it is who he has become. I just wish he could see that it is not giving me any kind of break from the baby. So he shouldn't give me such a hard time when I get so protective, because the baby is constantly with me I cant let go of the responsibility. I can't wait for the counselling appointment to come through.

My sister says I should change the doctor and not take the higher dose of medication, she thinks it will just dope me up more. But I have to do what the doctor recommends.I don't know how much Serotonin the body normally makes in a day so to go from 50mg to 100mg might be quite a lot. I don't know. I've got a week of the 50mg dose left, I'll maybe try to speak to one of the other Dr.s in the practice.

[winegirl]

Hi Sunflower

I think it is sensible to get a second opinion on upping the dose if it concerns you. I am sorry you haven't had mch support from your OH, can you arrang a couple of nights a week with him where he has bambino and you can go and have a break? If you try to tie him down to some specific dates he might realise how much you need a break?

Hope the rest of your evening goes ok?

Winegirl x

[sunflower2007]

Hubby making a real effort tonight. Said I wanted a quiet night in. In the flat he would have got bored and gone back out to the pub and left me in the house alone. So far he has stayed in since coming back from the pub this evening at 6.45pm. He met our next door neighbour and had a couple of drinks with him.

He wants to take the baby up to his Dad's on Mull in November for a long weekend. I am unsure if I could be away from the baby for a weekend like that. He also said that his sisters pointed out that we are always together, that they do not see him or the baby on their own without me being there. I know I have to trust him and the only way he can build up that trust is by getting experience looking after the baby on his own. I still feel a bit paranoid about him and his family taking my baby away from me. I know I said I wanted a break but I am finding it so hard to let go and trust when I think they are all against me.

Can lack of Serotonin make you paranoid? Maybe I should go on the higher dose. Why can't I stick up for myself in a reasonable, controlled way instead of screaming and yelling like a maniac?

[monica]

Hi

I think paranoia, lack of confidence, anger etc can all be part and parcel of PNI, evenif you didn't hae these things before. So where as beofre you would havebeen able to deal with a situation and had the confidence to believe you taken the right course of action, with PNI the self doubt can start to creep in. That can make you feel angry, lose self control etc. It's this illness and not you. Over time, things will regulate themselves and you will become more confident.

Your falling out with oh's family sounds very stressful. Can you minimise seeing them? At least inteh short term, then you wont' get wound up and angry. One of my firends never got along with her in laws, but would go and see them quite often and they would come round, critising her, taking over her house until she walked out of their house one day. Now her oh goes with their son and she stays at home. There is no aminosity between her and her inlaws just they minimise their time together.

I hoep relate does both of you good. Sometimes a third neutral party can point things out and suggest ways of imrpove things. I think my partner is more likely to listen to someone else suggesting things than me.

Please try not to doubt yourself, though. It sounds liek your oh's family are trying to bully you. Youmetnioend that they want to see baby and oh on their own without you, well in my opionion that's wrong. The three of you are a unit after all and instead of tryign to nurture that they are also having a divisive role in that.

How ar eyou today?

Monica

[sunflower2007]

Thanks Monica. You are absolutely right when you said "I think my partner is more likely to listen to someone else suggesting things than me. " My husband is the same.

The problems with his family have always been there, I just used to be able to be polite to them. But now being in their company and being expected to listen to all their rubbish and have my opinion dismissed and not listened to is something I can't tolerate anymore. Especially now I am back at work and have so many people asking me for my opinion and acting on it.

With regard to only seeing OH and baby without me, both his and my family are guilty of that. But we tried early on to limit the effect it was having on us as a couple. As he says, when we are on our own we are mostly fine. But with family there, whoever's family it is forces them to choose at some point during the visit.

Had a really good day today. Hubby conked out on the couch last night, so I left him there cos I didn't feel like a torrent of verbal abuse if I tried to bring him upstairs. So when he came crawling in at 0630 frozen, moaning that I hadn't woke him up I just said he had been too grumpy and he accepted that! Wow!

We got up and out the door fairly early this morning and went to the Safari Park down the road, had an excellent time. The sun was shining, it was busy and the time just flew by. Hubby and baby were really happy, despite baby having another cold. I think its the new germs from the nursery instead of the childminders. Felt nice and normal, and was good to be with so many other parents. So many children in one place would have bothered me when I was single but it made me feel like I belonged today.

[winegirl]

Hi Sunflower

So pleased you had a good day today! Sounds like a really lovely family day to have! I hope there are tons more of these on the horizon for you.

Winegirl x