Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
|
Post by Bobyn on Nov 12, 2007 13:06:55 GMT
This is the second time I've had PNI but I didn't find this site the first time. I always felt through that time that I was on my own and a rubbish Mummy as I didn't know anyone else that felt the same. Consequently I never really told anyone the truth about how I felt and never felt any closure when I started to recover. This time round I'm determined not to make the same mistakes and my best friend told me about the site so I've decided to start my own diary to get all my feelings out and make sure I tell someone how things are going. It's also a bit easier as I now understand that this horrible illness affects other people too and that it's s struggle for everyone to get over it. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone the fact that my best friend has gone through it and is now coming out the other side means that I have someone to phone this time when I have 'bad days'.
Today is an ok day. Number 1 tyke is at nursery all day and number 2 is currently sleeping. She's got a swimming lesson later that I'm looking forward to taking her to and the sun is shining outside. I've had a few tears this morning after reading through my friend's diary but in a good way as I've soooooo happy for her that she's finally starting to see beyond the grey clouds.
I'm also accepting help this time and trying to tell my husband when it's a bad day. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. He starting to realise that the PNI isn't about him directly and that he can't fix it. But he also knows how long it can last for which I think scares him alot. The lack of physical attention is also starting to annoy him I think but the mere idea of it makes me want to run away. I need to go and get some lunch now before Bobs wakes up but I'll try to keep this up every few days just to give me some space in which to be me, rather than Mummy, Chef, Cleaner, Daughter or Wife.
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Nov 12, 2007 14:32:59 GMT
But you make such a lovely chef :-)
Seriously though, I'm glad you found the site and I really hope it helps you. I saw you first time round after monster number 1 and your whole approach to being ill is different this time. Keep fighting lovely x
|
|
|
Post by chica on Nov 12, 2007 15:20:07 GMT
So know what you mean about all the heads we have to wear! What about the few you missed.... chauffeur, housemaid, nurse/doctor, sex goddess.... hee hee. Sorry I am only teasing, but when I read your post, it was just like I was reading about me. Seriously though, hope you dont mind me hopping in on your diary, it really does help to get things out. Rant and rave as much as you want, or need to. I also found it helpful to keep looking back on, it was another way of realising how far I had improved. Love Chica
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Nov 12, 2007 18:49:17 GMT
Welcome to the forum Bobyn I hope you do not mind me posting to you here It is great that you have found us, but of course I wish you did not have PNI for the second time but you have come to the right place. Please feel free to post in any section at all and to respond to any post. Many do find the diary section helpful, not only to get feelings out but also as an ongoing record of how you feel and what has happened in your days. As this can help to discover what helps and what does not, what your triggers are and your worst and best times of the day or week or even year. I too found my husband wanted to 'fix' me just like he could fix the car or re-build a wall, but of course he could not and was terrible at emotional support as he did not seem at first to understand what that was or how to do it Bu he too got better and in time understood it was not about him. Anyway I hope this space is useful to you Veritee XX
|
|
Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
|
Post by Bobyn on Nov 12, 2007 19:23:35 GMT
After starting my diary on here this afternoon the day went slowly downhill. I think writing on this website made me sit up and recognise that I really do have PNI and it's not all going to go away by me pretending to be ok again. I told a friend I was having a bad day and accepted her help for an hour to be able to eat lunch. Bobs has reached the point of crying when I leave the room and I think today she was unsettled as we had the in laws staying this weekend and she was fed up of being passed around people that she really doesn't know very well. As long as she's sitting in my arms she's happy which is fine but doesn't help when you're trying to make something to eat!
I struggled with the in laws being here too and the burden of being 'well' all weekend. The last time a member of the family visited I lost the plot completely as the doctor had suggested halving my medication. Clearly not a good plan as it culminated in my hubby calling the police at 1am to come find me as I was suicidal and thought the girls would be better without me. The meds have now kicked back in but the thought of feeling like that again scares the hell out of me and makes me realise how awful this illness is. Anyway, it meant that this weekend I needed to be on best behaviour so that they don't think my hubby married a crazy lady!
So, now my awful day is over. Tomorrow will be a new day and there's no reason it shouldn't be a good one. At least this time round when I have a bad day I can recognise that the next day is a different kettle of fish entirely and go to sleep relieved this one is over and looking forward to a fresh start. Something a very good friend told me is that 'Everything is a phase' with children. Unfortunately that applies to the good phases as well as the bad but it helps at the end of a bad day to repeat that mantra to myself.
Thank you all for your supportive posts. I feel like I've started a really positive thing in finding this site and being brave enough to start to open up. xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 12, 2007 20:01:57 GMT
Hi Bobyn
I love the fact that you can look at every day as a new one hun. Something that took me a while to do with PNI! But that sort of attitude should help get you back on the mend pretty quickly!
Here's to your fresh start hun! xxx
WG x
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Nov 12, 2007 22:27:39 GMT
Yes - it really helps to try to see every day as a fresh start. Do not worry if yesterday was a bad one and today could be good. We used to say in here:
take it slowly - little baby steps one at a time and tomorrow is always a new day
This is a good way to look at it I think - it has helped me with my PNI and with many other things in my life
Veritee XXX
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Nov 13, 2007 8:40:02 GMT
Hi Bobyn,
How are you today hun?. It's a good idea to start each new day with a clean state and see what it brings. Just because you are down one hour/day, doesn't mean that the next hour/day will be the same.
As you will remember, recovery has many ups and downs until the downs become less intense and subside altogether. You will get there a second time Bobyn, you did it once before.
Keep talking hun.
Love and hugs for a pink day today
Scarlet X
|
|
Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
|
Post by Bobyn on Nov 13, 2007 16:27:06 GMT
My clean slate plan seems to be working out ok for me today. I started out with a difficult morning and Bobs wouldn't be settled at all, but then she exhausted herself and had a 2 hour nap at lunchtime giving me time to collect myslef together. A new friend popped over this afternoon for coffee and we talked about a group I'm setting up with the children's centre for 2nd time Mums, Mums with PNI and anyone else who is struggling with children under 5 in any way shape or form. I'm quite excited about it and hope that meeting other people in the same situation closeby will allow us to support each other through the bad days. It always feels a bit better when there are other people around especially that dreaded teatime when both children seem to want a part of you and you're exhausted after hours of caring for them...
Any ideas for the group would be welcomed, thank you all for posting on my diary and reading it. Just the fact that other people are reading and caring enough to write back makes me feel less worthless than I did I few days ago. x
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 13, 2007 16:36:18 GMT
Hi Bobyn
Glad your day worked out good hun! Brilliant what you are doing with the support group! Would come myself if I was further south!
If there is anything we can do to help please just give us a shout x
WG x
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Nov 15, 2007 11:53:49 GMT
How are you doing Bobyn,
The group sounds like a great idea, getting together with other mums will make you feel less isolated and lonely. There was another lady who set up a similar group (Spaj) maybe you could get some tips from her..
Let us know how you get on hun.
Scarlet X
|
|
Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
|
Post by Bobyn on Nov 16, 2007 14:10:18 GMT
Just a quick update of the last few days while one is asleep and one is being kept amused by my Mum. Mum arrived Wednesday and that day went ok from what I remember of it! I was a bit annoyed by next door's continued noise and plans for putting a noisy macerator toilet and bathroom unit into their cellar. What a joy that will be to listen to while we eat our Sunday lunch! But I didn't get too upset that day nor feel down. Yesterday was ok from a PNI point of view but awful otherwise as I spent the morning with Robyn and her consultant in hospital. She's lost weight yet again and she's been put onto a third different medication and I've been asked to make my diet dairy free.
She has severe reflux and is slipping down the growth charts from above the 75% at birth to below the 25% now. She feeds well and sleeps well at night so they said she's not hungry but it could be that the relfux is being aggravated by a lactose intolerence so I'm starting a dairy free diet today. After years of laughing at my old housemate for being a vegan I'm now going to be begging for her recipe ideas. Isn't it funny how these things have a habit of coming back and biting you on the bum!
This morning has just been one of those days. I feel ok in myself, just very tired from worrying about Robyn I think and the usual running round after 2 children. Mum is still here thankfully as Robyn reacted to the medication this morning and started being sick again. I was able to get Freya to preschool and then spend an hour with a friend talking about things without any children around as Mum stayed with Robyn. That really helped. When I got home though the washing machine had broken! And Mum had broken her glasses and we had no food in the house for lunch, arghhh. I'm soooo my Mum was here!
Good news though - Homestart called and said they think they might have a volunteer available for me on Friday mornings... fingers crossed. Other good news, despite all the worry of Bobs and the aggro of the washing machine I've still only had a few tears which I think anyone would have done after the hospital yesterday. I really hope this dairy free thing works as the next option of an operation to investigate fills me with dread...
|
|
nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
|
Post by nishka on Nov 16, 2007 14:49:15 GMT
Hiya
Just wanted to pop in your diary and say well done for getting your feelings out - for me a diary is very helpful and helps me to make sense of my feelings. I hope you can find the same satisfaction in getting it all out!! Take care xxx
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Nov 16, 2007 14:51:49 GMT
Hi Bobyn,
Sorry to hear that LO has reflux – I’ve no experience with this, but hope the dairy free diet helps a bit.
Good news about Homestart BTW, hope it starts soonx
Hopefulxx
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Nov 16, 2007 17:43:47 GMT
I think I've got some vegan recipes from Slimming World. I've have a look through the books later once the monkeys are asleep
|
|