Post by newwie on Feb 10, 2007 22:19:28 GMT
Hi
When i was pregnant i totally distenced myself from the whole thing.
I never accepted i was pregnant yes went to the appointments with the midwife but it never actually connected that i myself me was pregnant.
When i went for the first scan i thought and felt like it wasnt me like i was watching a film of someone else. I never actually connected it with me and never felt any emotion at this point at all.
When people asked weather i could feel the baby i used to say oh yes but actually i didnt feel it at all and i was glad i never. I later found out this was due to teh fact that the placenta was at the front of my tummy. But i continued through not accepting it.
I went for the next scan and felt the same and the midwife kept sending me to the hospital for checks on the baby's movements and i never once felt aggitated or upset or anxious nothing like it was just something i had to do to please others i wasnt bothered at all.
When i was then two weeks over i was due to go into hospital to be induced but earlier that day i went into labour naturally myself.
I ignored this as it started at approx 10am on the monday and i went through till 11pm that night then decided that something maybe i needed to get checked. I didnt went to my parents as i told them i thought was in labour later that night 4am went to hospital and they checked me 4cm dilated. I then went home as they said would be ages yet no pain relief or anything.
I went home to my parents and then through the day tried to push it back i just went about as normal backed some cakes and read the paper in between contractions. I realise now i was totally pushing this back out of my mind anything but think about it all.
Went back into hospital at 4pm that day and was told i was 6cm dilated i was devastated i was exhausted and in extreme pain now and wanted the pool that i was promised earlier that day. They then said that there wasnt enough staff but even told me that if i had stayed in i would of had it the room with the pool, i was furious.
I then gave in and asked for a epidural. I waited and waited many hours for this. Eventually the man came and tried to get his epidural in he said ok all done and walked away. I was in excurciating pain and couldnt understand it neither could the midwife she kept saying to me press the buttn, and i replied i am you stupid cow.
She then went to find the man again he returned three times and said he couldnt understand why i was in so much pain.
Oh yes i always tell lies me when im not in pain.
But anyway he left again and by this point was examined and told i was 9cm anyway and to late to re administer the epidural again in excuriating pain.
I started to push inhaling as much gas and air as possible and after two hours of pushing i finally gave birth to g. Who by teh way was the wrong way. She was back to back nice one thanks midwife.
Afterwards i had a littel tear and was told that i would be fine. They then went onto give g to my parents and let my father give her a first feed off a bottel without asking me what i wanted to do.
I then was told that i could get a shower as the epidural hadnt worked. The bloody thing hadnt been inserted properly, it was hanging out.
Then i was taken to the ward and left.
I was then told that my daughter wasnt feeding properly and was left alone with this thing i couldnt even bear to touch.
But then this is the start of the pni and all the symptoms that go with it.
The visions, thoughts,crying,lack of anything with my daughter, the lack of any emotion at all really.
Still not accepting that i had given birth.
The following morning 8am i got up still hadnt touched my daughter through the night at all and hadnt fed her or changed her or dressed her nothing had a shower got myself dressed and then asked to leave.
It was then that they asked me to bath her i was devastated and couldnt of done this so made an excuse that they could use her to show the other mothers all ok they never even flinched. They then took over her feeds and gave her them as she had no sucking reflex anyway so they forced it down her. Then i was allowed to leave, oh yes the nappy thing i just said i hadnt changed her when the midwife came round and she did it for me anything adn any excuse to get out of it at all. I even still im afraid so this now any excuse not to do things for her and i will try it.
But anyway another story now which im sure you are all aware of.
Newwie
When i was pregnant i totally distenced myself from the whole thing.
I never accepted i was pregnant yes went to the appointments with the midwife but it never actually connected that i myself me was pregnant.
When i went for the first scan i thought and felt like it wasnt me like i was watching a film of someone else. I never actually connected it with me and never felt any emotion at this point at all.
When people asked weather i could feel the baby i used to say oh yes but actually i didnt feel it at all and i was glad i never. I later found out this was due to teh fact that the placenta was at the front of my tummy. But i continued through not accepting it.
I went for the next scan and felt the same and the midwife kept sending me to the hospital for checks on the baby's movements and i never once felt aggitated or upset or anxious nothing like it was just something i had to do to please others i wasnt bothered at all.
When i was then two weeks over i was due to go into hospital to be induced but earlier that day i went into labour naturally myself.
I ignored this as it started at approx 10am on the monday and i went through till 11pm that night then decided that something maybe i needed to get checked. I didnt went to my parents as i told them i thought was in labour later that night 4am went to hospital and they checked me 4cm dilated. I then went home as they said would be ages yet no pain relief or anything.
I went home to my parents and then through the day tried to push it back i just went about as normal backed some cakes and read the paper in between contractions. I realise now i was totally pushing this back out of my mind anything but think about it all.
Went back into hospital at 4pm that day and was told i was 6cm dilated i was devastated i was exhausted and in extreme pain now and wanted the pool that i was promised earlier that day. They then said that there wasnt enough staff but even told me that if i had stayed in i would of had it the room with the pool, i was furious.
I then gave in and asked for a epidural. I waited and waited many hours for this. Eventually the man came and tried to get his epidural in he said ok all done and walked away. I was in excurciating pain and couldnt understand it neither could the midwife she kept saying to me press the buttn, and i replied i am you stupid cow.
She then went to find the man again he returned three times and said he couldnt understand why i was in so much pain.
Oh yes i always tell lies me when im not in pain.
But anyway he left again and by this point was examined and told i was 9cm anyway and to late to re administer the epidural again in excuriating pain.
I started to push inhaling as much gas and air as possible and after two hours of pushing i finally gave birth to g. Who by teh way was the wrong way. She was back to back nice one thanks midwife.
Afterwards i had a littel tear and was told that i would be fine. They then went onto give g to my parents and let my father give her a first feed off a bottel without asking me what i wanted to do.
I then was told that i could get a shower as the epidural hadnt worked. The bloody thing hadnt been inserted properly, it was hanging out.
Then i was taken to the ward and left.
I was then told that my daughter wasnt feeding properly and was left alone with this thing i couldnt even bear to touch.
But then this is the start of the pni and all the symptoms that go with it.
The visions, thoughts,crying,lack of anything with my daughter, the lack of any emotion at all really.
Still not accepting that i had given birth.
The following morning 8am i got up still hadnt touched my daughter through the night at all and hadnt fed her or changed her or dressed her nothing had a shower got myself dressed and then asked to leave.
It was then that they asked me to bath her i was devastated and couldnt of done this so made an excuse that they could use her to show the other mothers all ok they never even flinched. They then took over her feeds and gave her them as she had no sucking reflex anyway so they forced it down her. Then i was allowed to leave, oh yes the nappy thing i just said i hadnt changed her when the midwife came round and she did it for me anything adn any excuse to get out of it at all. I even still im afraid so this now any excuse not to do things for her and i will try it.
But anyway another story now which im sure you are all aware of.
Newwie
