Just want to moan

[flobob]

Hello
I am feeling OK, but I just want to get something off my chest and thought I'd put it here as it isn't a real problem and just "chatting" to my friends.

My OH has been ill today and it has made me furious with him. He works away all week so if I'm ill in the week I just have to keep going for LO because there is no-one else here to take over. But he comes home on Friday night and if he feels grotty at the weekend he just expects me to deal with LO and disappears off to the bath or bed. He doesn't even ask if I am OK to look after LO!

But I feel guilty for moaning on because actually we all went out this morning because I had an opticians appointment and I wanted him to come with me to give his opinion on new glasses - I hate choosing glasses! So he did come and didn't moan about all that hanging round. Then after lunch I went out to maternity yoga class (which I started last week). Now normally he'd be looking after LO at that time, but LO was asleep, so he just laid on the sofa the whole time. Oh bliss! When LO sleeps in the afternoons in the week, which is such a rare thing anyway, I always feel SOOOOO guilty if I don't get on with chores that I rarely just lie down - maybe I should? But the guilt!!!!

LO slept for 3 hours this afternoon! Then got up about 20 mins before I came home. When I got home OH was giving LO his tea in front of the TV - which I have asked him not to do, because it drives me mad when kids take hours to eat because they're so engrossed in the TV - my friend's little boy used to do that! Yes, yes, it's not important. Anyway I know it aint important so I didn't say anything or moan about that.

OH was telling me how bad he was feeling - it's just earache. But I told him that I have real difficulty feeling any sympathy for him because of what I said earlier about no-one taking over from me in the week. And as soon as he starts telling me about how bad he's feeling I just know what's coming - that he'll soon disappear to rest - and that just gets me riled instead of sympathetic.

LO has been ill with a cough for a couple of weeks. The first week it also made him physically sick. So I was dealing with sick boy and clearing up sick on my own. Completely gross and difficult because LO wants holding but the sick needs to be cleared. He was generally sick in bed at night so of course that involved change of pyjamas and bedclothes. And because he's ill he's been waking in the night.

Friday night was the first night that LO slept through the night for a fortnight. But OH bl***dy woke me at 3am to tell me that he was feeling so bad and was going to have a hot bath to make him feel better. Gee thanks! Actually I didn't go mad in the night, too dopey to even be angry at that time. And I even managed to say "have you taken some painkillers?"

Then this morning LO woke at 6am with lots of crying and wanting milk. Normally he's a ray of sunshine when he wakes up! I went downstairs to get him milk, but I didn't fill the bottle enough for his liking and he moaned and cried about that too. All through this OH slept - or pretended to! And that drives me mad too? When he did wake up I asked him why he didn't help me earlier and he said because he hadn't slept in the night. Welcome to my life! I don't sleep at night - proved by how often I'm on here at 3am - and yet I still have to get up with LO at whatever time he graces the world.

But after all this moaning, in fairness to my OH, he did look really dreadful this afternoon. And I should be more sympathetic but I just can't be in my head. And I can't even pretend to be sympathetic outwardly when my head is so angry. Because all this time whilst I was ill - our LO has just turned 2 - he didn't give me the sympathy or support I needed. So why should I care about him is what my head shouts at me! And the answer is of course because I love him. But that doesn't help because he didn't support me because of love.

Last Thursday night, after LO being ill for 4 days, OH came home from work a day early. That is the first time in 2 years that he has taken a day off to come home to help me. And then he was great on the Friday ... but I had to do some work myself so didn't get any rest. And then on the Saturday he turned in to moody sod and moaned on about the fact that there was no food in the house - yeah, like when was I going to go shopping with ill LO and all my own work to do? So I get one day of support and sympathy and then back to being moaned at.

God, haven't I gone on? I would love to hear from you as to whether I'm just a moany cow or what. But please be gentle with me.

FloBob

[gizmoracer]

No it sounds about right to me

Its just part of being ill and stressed and a mum I guess. I used to be just as bad and even today I have had a huge dig at my OH who is in serious pain right now. I do feel guilty about it but there have been times in the past where all I could think about was 'welcome to my world' whenever something wasn't quite right. Maybe its jelousy that he works and I'm stuck at home, I don't know. What I do know is that anger is a big part of my PNI and is always the first thing to rear its ugly head when I'm feeling stressed or put upon wheather its in good reason or not. Best thing to do really is try and know when you are doing this and if you've been sharp at him apologies after wards.

[littlelotty]

When I read this it sounded something like I could of written and similar to my diary today!!!

I am just the same and snapped at OH yesterday because he had toothache and kept going on about it and I had no sympathy. I said take some painkillers and stop going on about it. I often feel I have to be the strong one and the one that sorts everyone out. God knows how this place would run if we weren't here!!!

I too felt so much resentment towards my OH for a year or so cause his life had not changed at all with having our LO in fact it had got better - he was still able to play football, watch football, go out with his mates and much more. Yet I was stuck at home with a baby that I felt nothing for and couldn't go out with my mates or do anything for myself.

We have been going to relate for the last 7 weeks now and it has helped so much. He understand now what I felt - we actually split up for 6 months cause of the way I felt. I now go out once a week with my mate and play squash. and OH only goes out with his mates when I am with him now. He also helps with LO alot more although it took 6 months apart and him having LO on his own for days and nights that he realised how hard it really was. He has told me that after looking after her from 5pm sat night through to sun at 6pm when I used to pick her up he used to be so tired that he went to bed!! If only they did a whole week! He said he never realised how hard it was. I guess they just dont have the maternal bit and the worry that we have!

Anyway just wanted to add that you are far from alone - all of my mates say the same as me!

Hope your hubby is feeling better today - mine isn't!!!

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx

[flobob]

Hello Gizmo and Littlelotty
Thanks for your replies - it is normal then? Cheers!

Littlelotty - that's good that you're both seeing Relate. I did ask my OH to do that with me in Dec. They have a phone service for people that are apart, and because he works away I thought that might work for us - both be on the phone to Relate together but in different towns. First of all he said he'd think about it and look at the website to see what it was about. But then he didn't. And 2 weeks later he told me he wasn't going to look at the website because he thought it was a waste of time - didn't think it could help! I felt completely let down that he lied to me in the first place about going to look at the website and then didn't feel doing anything would be worthwhile if it saved our marriage. He just doesn't "believe" in counselling. And I do wish we could do that and grow together again.

I would give anything to hear my OH say that looking after our LO is difficult. But you know he always makes out like it is easy and that I'm just making a fuss. He's never said that it is difficult or tiring.

But the thing is he doesn't do the looking after in the same way as me ... if he wants to do something then he does it and LO is either put in front of the TV or just left to his own devices. Like the other week, he spent Saturday afternoon mowing the lawn - I just wouldn't be comfortable doing that - what if LO ran in the road because I wasn't watching him properly? What if LO tied himself in a knot round the cable? What if LO put his hand in the mower? So many fears LOL!

I literally had to beg my OH not to use the hedgetrimmer when he was looking after LO the following Saturday afternoon (I go to yoga class) because I have a huge fear of those things (always have done - they chop so fast and have so many jagged teeth) and I was so scared that LO would put his hand near the thing and get his fingers chopped off in the most horrifying way. OH didn't think it was a problem at all. But you can't properly look after a toddler if you're in charge of a hedgetrimmer! The hedge got cut on Sunday when I was home

Cheers ladies, you both made me smile. FloBob

[winegirl]

Oooh Flobob you sound like me! I am just the sam and cant even leave LO in the room on her own to go and do the dishes as my head is full of what ifs??

I also worry that other people are to relaxed about looing after her which really stresses me out. Glad its not just me really!