Post by Vikki on Jul 4, 2008 12:51:32 GMT
Hi All,
I used this site during 2006/2007 when I was ill will PNI. I suffered with psychosis due to the PNI and after looking back at previous posts I made, I realise I was very poorly.
I just wanted to share my recovery story with you, as I know when you have PNI, it is very difficult to see beyond the moment you are trying desperately to get through.
I think my recovery began in my darkest days. I was having audio and visual hallucinations. I saw a demon in the TV, who I believed was casting a spell on me, I heard the voice of a woman trying to get me to kill myself. This was when others around began to see what I had been hiding from them. I also believed my children were evil and the worst children in the world.
Pni is a cruel illness, the guilt and the shame felt by women with PNI means that most do not seek help. I can not stress enough that you should not suffer alone. Try and find someone you can talk to. For me it was my HV, she saw what was happening, I couldn't hide from her, she even spoke to my GP on my behalf to explain what was happening to me. These were the steps I needed to finally get the help I needed.
My parents were the also instrumental in my recovery. My Dad accompanied me to the GP, and encouraged me to print off my posts from this forum and write down what was happening to me, I couldn't verbalise what was going on, if anyone asked me if I was ok, I would say I was fine, even though inside I was screaming for help. My GP, although had told me I was a tired mum when I first visited him, this time he took action straight away. He was straight on the phone to the Peri Natal Mental Health Team and I was referred to a specialist. I was also put anti psychotic drugs. I had been taking ad's for over a year, I had tried 17 different meds due to a violent skin reaction, it turned out I was allergic to the generic white powder in tablets and capsules (this only happened when I had PNI, I take tablets fine now) so I was dubious of the new drugs, but they almost immediately helped, it took some time to adjust the dosage as they really dulled my brain, but at least I could finally get some sleep, I had been existing on less than two hours sleep in short bursts for nearly 18 months (sleep deprivation can do awful things to you) just getting uninterrupted sleep made the whole world seem a better place.
Things went on for a while, but then I started to have side effects from the meds, I had severe muscle twitching, my periods stopped, and I started to lactate again.
The psych reduced my dose, but the hallucinations came back. It took a while to adjust my meds and start on Cognitive behaviour therapy to ease things.
Things ticked along fine for a while, but then the summer holidays began, the stress and strain of three small children took there toll and I became very ill again, again I tried to hide it. I was placed with an intervention team. They visited every day to check I was still live and kicking. I think the trouble started when I was being transferred from the peri natal team to the Adult mental health team. After 12 months post birth, it was not deemed to be PNI, and I was at 18 months and still no better. The new team were office hours only and my support felt like it was being taken away.
The hallucinations were back and this time they were worse, I thought I had strangled My youngest, I called my CPN and within hours, social services were at my house. I can't say I wasn't petrified, I thought they were going to take the children away. It was hard, and although I was no longer allowed to be alone with the children and we had to go through a conference to see if the children should be placed at risk, I think ultimately Social Services helped. The children were put into childcare, which we got no financial aid for so me and thankfully my parent helped to cover the cost, my mum also took time off work until I was able to be left alone during the day. Gradually I was allowed to spend more time with the children and by the end of November I was no longer under the care of Social Services. It had been a difficult 3 months, but finally I felt stronger. I had got through it.
I even managed to get through Christmas unscathed, things were finally turning around.
During this time I was dismissed from work, I was in no state to work, and I couldn't fight it in a tribunal, so I accepted it.
I continued working with a CPN and psychiatrist. ECT and Lithium were discussed as was an admission to hospital. It was frightening, but I thought finally these people are here to help me, and thankfully none of that was necessary.
As the weeks went by, I knew I was getting better. The long tunnel suddenly began to yield light.
I had been through depression, insomnia, hallucinations, self harm, OCD, intrusive thoughts, and I suddenly thought, hey, I'm still here. I'm made of strong stuff.
In march I thought it was time to start looking for a job, and because I received incapacity, I went to see a employment officer who specialised in getting disabled people back to work. I was embarrassed at first, I didn't think of myself as disabled. She really helped me, she knew when I was getting anxious about interviews and really helped. Someone would even accompany me if I needed it.
I went for a few interviews, and was unsuccessful. The penultimate interview was between me and another girl, I lost out out as she had specific experience, and I was gutted. I applied for a job online late at night and thought no more about it. The next morning bang on 9am I got a call asking me to attend an interview the next day. I agreed and visited the Air Traffic Control Centre the next day, I was met by a panel and I coped well. The job sounded good and I was ready to give it a try. I was offered the job that day and began 2 days after. The job meant a 150 mile round trip every day for 6 weeks, again I coped. It gave me a boost. I had 2 days training, and then was put in the deep end.
During this week, one of my best friends died in a car accident. I was devastated, and if I didn't have my work, I would have fallen to pieces, but I had something to focus on, and I was good at it. We said our goodbyes, and the next day I was back at work.
I soon met one of my colleagues, and we became close friends. She still knows when I am having a bad day, and how to calm me down.
I soon started traveling with work, and I managed to juggle the children and work with ease.
Soon my role expanded and I was taking on a more demanding workload, and I can't pretend I wasn't stressed, but I enjoyed the stress. It was different. I wasn't getting bogged down.
That changed when I started being bullied by a colleague. I worked in an occupational health department, and she was a nurse. She knew my background as she cleared my health questionnaire. I think this is why she targeted me. I put up with the harassment for 5 months, and then I did something about it. I made a complaint, and she resigned in the end rather than face an investigation. Others soon said that they had been afraid of her too. So I felt vindicated.
Soon after a new colleague joined the team, it was my job to train and supervise her. She didn't like this and started to make life hard for me. No one would do anything about it because she was disabled and they feared a discrimination case (this was plainly admitted to me) no one would stay in the same room as her for more than 2 minutes and other staff would avoid her (even senior management) but I was stuck in an office with her, no escape.
Also around this time, my marriage fell apart. I felt relieved rather than sad, and I felt I could start my life again. I started dating and for the first time in my life, I felt attractive. I stayed civil with my husband, and he began to take them for the weekend. I felt alive again, time to be a grown up again. I am only 27, and for the last 9 years I have been a mum and although I wouldn't change it for the world, I feel as if I am catching up on what I missed.
In October I met my fiancee, he has been a tower of strength, and knows about my history, but he motivates me, and keeps me sane I think.
I carried on with work, but by now I was hating it. I even won an award for my work, but it felt hollow. At Christmas, my first Christmas alone I had a dip. I couldn't face work, I couldn't work with that women. I saw the doctor who prescribed Ad's again. I didn't take them, but I stayed off work, I thought a break over Christmas would sort me out. I planned to go back to work after Christmas. I went to work, and everything seemed fine, but I was met my my union official (thank god I joined the union). Work said I was to stay off work on paid leave. I saw an Occ health doctor and did everything I had to do, but they offered me redundancy as long as I didn't sue them under the DDA or about four other things. I took the money, it was a good settlement, and it left me the opportunity to set up my own business.
The feeling even though I had been supremely stressed, was I AM STILL STANDING. I had been through so much and everything was fine.
I had so much to focus on, I forgot about the things that had worried me so much only 12 months before.
There are always things in life that will test us. it's how we react that I think is a measure of our recovery.
I feel like my life has begun begin, I am happy with my new man. He has a son who will eventually come to live with us, and although the 4 together are ahandful, I feel prepared. We have even discussed having a baby together in the future. He knows I am apprehensive about it. With him I don't feel so scared. There is no pressure, we would just like to share the experience with each other, so who knows, maybe one day, maybe not, we will see what the future brings.
I still feel a bit low sometimes, but I can't say that it is anymore than anyone else. Sometimes life is hard, the difference is, now I know I can be happy. I may feel a bit low for a day, but the next day is a new one and brings back my smile.
There are a few left over bits. My strange aversion to green cups, have no idea why, but I find it quite amusing really. I am still not good in crowds, a bit of a shame as I love live music, I can still go to gigs as long as I can see the exit is near by. Most of all though, the kids stress me out, but now I realise ALL mums get stressed. Even my perfect sister tells me the kids drive her up the wall sometimes.
My CPN told me something I will never forget, she said it ok to be and ok Mum. I was striving to be perfect, and no one is perfect. It is unobtainable. As long as the kids are loved, you will always be a super mum. Even if you think you don't love them, or you can't bond with them, you will realise that you do love them. Your illness hides it from you, but when it comes it will make even think horrendous illness worth it.
You will recover. It will get better, but sometimes you just have to look back to realise it.
I used this site during 2006/2007 when I was ill will PNI. I suffered with psychosis due to the PNI and after looking back at previous posts I made, I realise I was very poorly.
I just wanted to share my recovery story with you, as I know when you have PNI, it is very difficult to see beyond the moment you are trying desperately to get through.
I think my recovery began in my darkest days. I was having audio and visual hallucinations. I saw a demon in the TV, who I believed was casting a spell on me, I heard the voice of a woman trying to get me to kill myself. This was when others around began to see what I had been hiding from them. I also believed my children were evil and the worst children in the world.
Pni is a cruel illness, the guilt and the shame felt by women with PNI means that most do not seek help. I can not stress enough that you should not suffer alone. Try and find someone you can talk to. For me it was my HV, she saw what was happening, I couldn't hide from her, she even spoke to my GP on my behalf to explain what was happening to me. These were the steps I needed to finally get the help I needed.
My parents were the also instrumental in my recovery. My Dad accompanied me to the GP, and encouraged me to print off my posts from this forum and write down what was happening to me, I couldn't verbalise what was going on, if anyone asked me if I was ok, I would say I was fine, even though inside I was screaming for help. My GP, although had told me I was a tired mum when I first visited him, this time he took action straight away. He was straight on the phone to the Peri Natal Mental Health Team and I was referred to a specialist. I was also put anti psychotic drugs. I had been taking ad's for over a year, I had tried 17 different meds due to a violent skin reaction, it turned out I was allergic to the generic white powder in tablets and capsules (this only happened when I had PNI, I take tablets fine now) so I was dubious of the new drugs, but they almost immediately helped, it took some time to adjust the dosage as they really dulled my brain, but at least I could finally get some sleep, I had been existing on less than two hours sleep in short bursts for nearly 18 months (sleep deprivation can do awful things to you) just getting uninterrupted sleep made the whole world seem a better place.
Things went on for a while, but then I started to have side effects from the meds, I had severe muscle twitching, my periods stopped, and I started to lactate again.
The psych reduced my dose, but the hallucinations came back. It took a while to adjust my meds and start on Cognitive behaviour therapy to ease things.
Things ticked along fine for a while, but then the summer holidays began, the stress and strain of three small children took there toll and I became very ill again, again I tried to hide it. I was placed with an intervention team. They visited every day to check I was still live and kicking. I think the trouble started when I was being transferred from the peri natal team to the Adult mental health team. After 12 months post birth, it was not deemed to be PNI, and I was at 18 months and still no better. The new team were office hours only and my support felt like it was being taken away.
The hallucinations were back and this time they were worse, I thought I had strangled My youngest, I called my CPN and within hours, social services were at my house. I can't say I wasn't petrified, I thought they were going to take the children away. It was hard, and although I was no longer allowed to be alone with the children and we had to go through a conference to see if the children should be placed at risk, I think ultimately Social Services helped. The children were put into childcare, which we got no financial aid for so me and thankfully my parent helped to cover the cost, my mum also took time off work until I was able to be left alone during the day. Gradually I was allowed to spend more time with the children and by the end of November I was no longer under the care of Social Services. It had been a difficult 3 months, but finally I felt stronger. I had got through it.
I even managed to get through Christmas unscathed, things were finally turning around.
During this time I was dismissed from work, I was in no state to work, and I couldn't fight it in a tribunal, so I accepted it.
I continued working with a CPN and psychiatrist. ECT and Lithium were discussed as was an admission to hospital. It was frightening, but I thought finally these people are here to help me, and thankfully none of that was necessary.
As the weeks went by, I knew I was getting better. The long tunnel suddenly began to yield light.
I had been through depression, insomnia, hallucinations, self harm, OCD, intrusive thoughts, and I suddenly thought, hey, I'm still here. I'm made of strong stuff.
In march I thought it was time to start looking for a job, and because I received incapacity, I went to see a employment officer who specialised in getting disabled people back to work. I was embarrassed at first, I didn't think of myself as disabled. She really helped me, she knew when I was getting anxious about interviews and really helped. Someone would even accompany me if I needed it.
I went for a few interviews, and was unsuccessful. The penultimate interview was between me and another girl, I lost out out as she had specific experience, and I was gutted. I applied for a job online late at night and thought no more about it. The next morning bang on 9am I got a call asking me to attend an interview the next day. I agreed and visited the Air Traffic Control Centre the next day, I was met by a panel and I coped well. The job sounded good and I was ready to give it a try. I was offered the job that day and began 2 days after. The job meant a 150 mile round trip every day for 6 weeks, again I coped. It gave me a boost. I had 2 days training, and then was put in the deep end.
During this week, one of my best friends died in a car accident. I was devastated, and if I didn't have my work, I would have fallen to pieces, but I had something to focus on, and I was good at it. We said our goodbyes, and the next day I was back at work.
I soon met one of my colleagues, and we became close friends. She still knows when I am having a bad day, and how to calm me down.
I soon started traveling with work, and I managed to juggle the children and work with ease.
Soon my role expanded and I was taking on a more demanding workload, and I can't pretend I wasn't stressed, but I enjoyed the stress. It was different. I wasn't getting bogged down.
That changed when I started being bullied by a colleague. I worked in an occupational health department, and she was a nurse. She knew my background as she cleared my health questionnaire. I think this is why she targeted me. I put up with the harassment for 5 months, and then I did something about it. I made a complaint, and she resigned in the end rather than face an investigation. Others soon said that they had been afraid of her too. So I felt vindicated.
Soon after a new colleague joined the team, it was my job to train and supervise her. She didn't like this and started to make life hard for me. No one would do anything about it because she was disabled and they feared a discrimination case (this was plainly admitted to me) no one would stay in the same room as her for more than 2 minutes and other staff would avoid her (even senior management) but I was stuck in an office with her, no escape.
Also around this time, my marriage fell apart. I felt relieved rather than sad, and I felt I could start my life again. I started dating and for the first time in my life, I felt attractive. I stayed civil with my husband, and he began to take them for the weekend. I felt alive again, time to be a grown up again. I am only 27, and for the last 9 years I have been a mum and although I wouldn't change it for the world, I feel as if I am catching up on what I missed.
In October I met my fiancee, he has been a tower of strength, and knows about my history, but he motivates me, and keeps me sane I think.
I carried on with work, but by now I was hating it. I even won an award for my work, but it felt hollow. At Christmas, my first Christmas alone I had a dip. I couldn't face work, I couldn't work with that women. I saw the doctor who prescribed Ad's again. I didn't take them, but I stayed off work, I thought a break over Christmas would sort me out. I planned to go back to work after Christmas. I went to work, and everything seemed fine, but I was met my my union official (thank god I joined the union). Work said I was to stay off work on paid leave. I saw an Occ health doctor and did everything I had to do, but they offered me redundancy as long as I didn't sue them under the DDA or about four other things. I took the money, it was a good settlement, and it left me the opportunity to set up my own business.
The feeling even though I had been supremely stressed, was I AM STILL STANDING. I had been through so much and everything was fine.
I had so much to focus on, I forgot about the things that had worried me so much only 12 months before.
There are always things in life that will test us. it's how we react that I think is a measure of our recovery.
I feel like my life has begun begin, I am happy with my new man. He has a son who will eventually come to live with us, and although the 4 together are ahandful, I feel prepared. We have even discussed having a baby together in the future. He knows I am apprehensive about it. With him I don't feel so scared. There is no pressure, we would just like to share the experience with each other, so who knows, maybe one day, maybe not, we will see what the future brings.
I still feel a bit low sometimes, but I can't say that it is anymore than anyone else. Sometimes life is hard, the difference is, now I know I can be happy. I may feel a bit low for a day, but the next day is a new one and brings back my smile.
There are a few left over bits. My strange aversion to green cups, have no idea why, but I find it quite amusing really. I am still not good in crowds, a bit of a shame as I love live music, I can still go to gigs as long as I can see the exit is near by. Most of all though, the kids stress me out, but now I realise ALL mums get stressed. Even my perfect sister tells me the kids drive her up the wall sometimes.
My CPN told me something I will never forget, she said it ok to be and ok Mum. I was striving to be perfect, and no one is perfect. It is unobtainable. As long as the kids are loved, you will always be a super mum. Even if you think you don't love them, or you can't bond with them, you will realise that you do love them. Your illness hides it from you, but when it comes it will make even think horrendous illness worth it.
You will recover. It will get better, but sometimes you just have to look back to realise it.
