Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Oct 24, 2008 22:23:21 GMT
I was called molliesmummy on here. But something happened and I couldn't bring myself to use it. Ive been off here for about a month I think, and I cant type. So I wanted to start afresh. I'm not a different person, butIi want to start my life again. Even though I'm still in the same situation Ive been in since my daughters birthday. My professional life is taking off. But my personal life is going downhill. And the dosage the doctor insists on putting me on simply does not work. Professionally, things couldn't be going better. I have a photo shoot at the end of the month for www.katespinups.com and then every week in November I have something on, and the second week in December my troupe gets its go. But personally, I'm stuck in a rut. Mollie couldn't be doing better. Shes amazing. A true angel. Shelley had Brandon early and I may be meeting him tomorrow, pending whether this cold goes or not. Brandon has already had a cold and I don't want to give him flu as well. I know Rik will be reading this most probably, but things between me and him are chaotic. His temper, attitude- everything, just seems to worsen each day. And with each day, a new excuse for the reason why he acts the way he does. I have men falling at my feet- yes, seems the coolest thing, but its not. Alot of these guys are meant to be my friends. Leave Rik, leave Rik, leave Rik everyone says. I got the courage to do so, and we talked about it. But things don't go according to plan do they. I'm terribly confused as to what to do. My moods are worsening. i feel weak, sad, angry, upset... I cant fight anymore. I'm sick of fighting. But I have to. I have to make another doctors appointment next week so she can see how Ive been on meds, and Ill let her know how dissatisfied I am. Id like to feel some sort of happiness!! I have a lodger too. She pays £50 a week and thats it. Rik insists on the money going all to him, but I need money too. Sometimes we think shes taking the piss but I think its because shes younger than me and Rik thats all. we're settled, shes a free spirit... We have her to help us get out of the debt we got in at the end of august. Mollie loves Lucy. And shes in my troupe ;D Theres alot of decisions I have to make and Id like to make them before new year so I can have a new year new start but it all boils down to one thing, I'm afraid. Poor Mollie doesn't need parents who argue all the time. Theres nothing that will change Rik. No meds. Nothing. Its the wanting that changes someone, but he doesn't want it enough its obvious. He claims its because I need to change too, but it really is tit for tat. You cant just break someone down and still expect them to honor you. I'm still left in the house with no money, and nowadays its no phone as well, and no credit because Rik either wont or doesn't pay the bills. I might add later before I go to bed. Maybe tomorrow...
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Oct 24, 2008 23:35:21 GMT
Ive had a think about what I need to put in here, I realized that I didn't use it entirely correctly last time, well I know I used it how I could but I need to put more thought into my illness and what I say on here. Ive not noticed any real patterns, but I have noticed how Ive been if that makes sense. Ive closed up. When I'm sad I block people. I only speak to chosen people, if anyone. Ive been pushing Rik away, deliberately because Ive wanted to leave him for a long time, but am too scared to go it on my own. But real friends have understood! I apologize every now and again, letting them know I'm sorry but I'm depressed and I cant talk to people when i am. Ive been sleeping alot too. Dangerously sometimes, but I'm too alert for my own good, again if that makes sense. I don't think I'm paranoid entirely, but I do think Sure Start need to back off. They keep ringing asking how I am, coming round, giving me leaflets for me to leave Mollie with their creche for a couple of hours a week, but I'm like, err no, i enjoy my child's company!! And when I do go to my Wednesday ''Young Mums'' group, we get to cut out and draw and get taught how to raise our kids!! I'm sorry to offend anyone but who gets pregnant not knowing the skills as a parent you need to pass on to your children? When I was pregnant I made sure me and my partner agreed on rules and discipline and so on, and the maternal instinct kicked in also. Its common sense. Some of the girls in that group talk about 'shagging' about and smoking weed. When they have kids. And nobody has reported them yet! Maybe it is paranoia, but I dont understand why theyre so interested in looking after my child for me while i have a 'rest'. She is MY responsibility, MY child. Leave me to it. Everyone is amazed at how happy a child Mollie is, so theres nothing wrong lol Saying that Jenny, the lady who runs the group is trying to get me councilling as my doctor is too bone idle to do it.
I sleep on my own too. I refuse to sleep in the same room as Rik let alone the same bed. Im preferring my own company through and through. Im sad all the time, Im going through phases of not sleeping, at all, for sometimes way longer than a week, no lies. I think Ill leave it at that for tonight and carry on again tomorrow, Ive lost track of what I origionally wanted to say x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 25, 2008 8:17:01 GMT
Oh Rachel I am so pleased you are back, i have been struggling to get on facebook and have missed you babes x You sound very clear in your thoughts, like you know exactly what you need to do to make life good again. And now you just need to do it, you know if there is anything i can do to help I will. Rik is holding you back, and you know it. This is no life for you or Mollie. As for the mother baby groups, well they are clearly not what you need. But something where you could sit back for a bit and let Molli play with the other kids wouldnt be a bad idea, some independant mother baby group or something, not arranged bu sure start. You guys would benefit from the odd hours break from each other... As for the troupe, well I am so excited for you. Let me know the date and venue for the notts gig and I will come along. Second time lucky! Always here xx WG x
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Oct 25, 2008 21:30:35 GMT
i know what i have to do im just scared about actually doing it. and with having no phone, i cant badger the council. there is now a girl in helsinki who wants to join my troupe! and i might be doing a show in london on new years fingers crossed. but im totally (almost) at deaths door with this flu, im coughing and my stomach is killing me something chronic, because its being tensed so much with the coughing. i nearly tipped over the edge this morning. i am so ill, i barely have an immune system, and rik knows this, and he was so evil and conceited, and refused to let me go into another room whilst i had a coughing fit. mollie was just being mollie, wasnt doing anything wrong, and he was winging at her to shut up, he was having a go at me... eventually at about half nine he got up and went for a cig, a poo (its gross i know this, he has to announce it) and complained he hadnt had anything to eat. and that he was tired. and never gets to rest. and wants time to himself. so ive been trying very hard to not cough in mollies direction while i gave her her breakfast etc played with her, and i was then allowd to go for a short nap, which was interrupted by rik putting mollie in her cot stating she was misbehaving. poor girl was in a state, misbehaving or not shes a one year old, and rik needs to be a bit more sensitive around her. so i got dressed and e went to tescos, for our shopping. really feeling the crunch... rik went mental when we got home so i tried taking mollie in the other room. but since shes gone to bed things seem to have calmed down. hes getting too wound up around her and hes not doing anything about it. hes refusing to calm down in front of her. i cooked dinner, but not apparently fast enough, and hes playing his games. complaining im on here. but hes playing his games. what else am i supposed to be doing?? i know the only thing that could make him change would be the shock of me leaving but... i cant do anything. im tired and broken. its two extremes. my professional life is taking off, like i said before, but the rest is going downhill. im shattered, the lemsips are knocking me out,i mean really knocking me out. but when mollies been awake i really have to push myself to stay awake its better that way, i dont get shit for wanting to rest. im counteracting the drowsyness with caffene i have this massive cappucino cup, so ive been putting two tea bags in and four sugars lol! but now mollies asleep im having a cola and then im hoping to have a bath without gettin shit, and then have a lemsip n drop off asleep!
it is nice to be back on here and i do feel better having a different name and a new account etc. will write again another time x
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Oct 25, 2008 22:24:44 GMT
Back so soon i know... but ive been looking up manic depression/bi-polar disorder, i know veritee has said studies show pni has alot of similar symptoms but im worried now. im noticing my moods. no real patterns but im noticing how i am. www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/manic-depression-symptoms-faq.htmhad a look on here amongst other sites and im not looking at the symptoms and going- oh i have that or oh im going through that or whatever, im saying, yes, ive had that, no not that not that etc, and then thinking well, lately, thats been happening... if you get me. i think im going to go sleep
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Post by bean on Oct 26, 2008 9:54:29 GMT
Hi Kitty You'vedone great getting all that down,I can relate to the way you close down especially with Rik,I dothe same. You sound like a fantastic mum, and thanks (you have helped me decide to get advice from the domestic section (more private - scared).
I hope you managed to get sleep hun. by the way what is your troupe? Take care, hope youre ok Beanx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 26, 2008 10:05:27 GMT
Hey Rachel
Do not look at these symptoms on the web. If you take these symptoms and put 10 people in a room probably 8 could say they have those symptoms from time to time. You are not suffering bipolar, you are suffering PNI and stress which presents itself in many symptoms similar to bipolar...
Concentrate ow on the troupe and getting away from rik. He aint never changing and is bringing you and mollie down - you have to start a new life without him for you and mollie...
How are you doing this morning? You still feeling poorly? I am full of bugs too and just wanna crawl into bed but home alone with LO so no chance...
Sending you huge hugs mate (())
WG x
P.s. you take any slightly overweight uncoordinate girls in your troupe? LOL x
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Post by winegirl on Nov 4, 2008 18:40:15 GMT
Rachel
if you read this please get in touch, I am worried about you, Replied to you on facebook but not heard back. Let me know you are ok??
WG xx
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Post by monica on Nov 4, 2008 20:39:02 GMT
Hi
Hope you are getting over your really bad cold/cough - maybe you need to get yourself down to the drs to get it checked out. When I was in the depths of PNI my immune system went to pot and I had tonislitis for about 3 or 4 mths and couldn't shift it. My dr recommended echinaecea to boost my immune system - might be worth a go but make sure with pharmacist it's ok to take. Hope you got yoru drs opionion on meds. If they're not working, maybe a different type would be better.
You do have a lot on your plate with your partner etc. I'm glad yoru professional life is going well - maybe it's a bit of escapism from yoru troubles at home. What sort of troupe do you belong to?
Love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Nov 10, 2008 22:01:02 GMT
Rachel
if you come on here and see this please get in contact...
WG xxx
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Nov 16, 2008 20:51:53 GMT
im sorry ive not been online. things have been chaotic. my troup0e is a burlesque dance troupe. and we accept all types. my step-dad or ex step dad i should say i guess is paying for it all now. hes been admitted to a psychiatric unit and is getting 24hr help, and is being watched constantly. but hes homje now and is drinking heavily. who cares eh? the pervert should pay. no sympathy for him. then things with the troupe went funny. kate got some sort of jealousy, over-protectiveness?? very controlling and took over everything, and told two members they were out without my saying, one member whos been living with me. and then she turned. went evil out of nowhere. asked for money back she gave me, and hacked into everything apart from my facebook and this. she changed everything, posed as me, sent lies out to everyone saying id said those things about them. then the abusive emails came to me then. saying i deserved to have lost the baby, and once id told her id contacted the police, she changed how she typed and accused me of stealing from her. i couldnt handle it and took an overdose. mollie was at my mums, because she was looking after her for a few days while me and rik got over our flu. rik was dropping some extra clothes off at my mums for mollie and i took the overdose then. i felt there was no way out for me. this girl was ruining my life. rik came home to find id taken all his pills, and called an ambulance. i spent a few days on drips and finally saw a psychiatrist and now the crisi team visit me. asking me silly things. i have no intention to do it again. but on tuesday night, i called my mum, i was still in hosp. i was getting suspiocious as to why she was so keen to look after mollie, and asked her eventually, if she thought mollie was in danger. she didnt say yes so i just went for her. me and rik went to hers, but she wouldnt let me in. f**king hypocrite. ive had a lifetime of her taking overdoses, and drinking and so on, i do it once and she takes my daughter from me. at least i didnt go awol, or drunk-drove, or take a bunch of pills in front of my kids!!! its irresponsible i know but at least i knew mollie was in safe hands. so i called the police, and lost the battle. they said i was to go back to hospital and mum was to carry on looking after mollie for the night. the next day rik picked mollie up. she said she was trying to help me. as f**king if. she could have gone about it more than a different way- like, by not kidnapping my daughter. shes sent me a message on facebook but ive not replied. ive cut my family off completely. f**king scheming hypocrites. but im in a differnt mood now, ive got mollie- who ate her first non mushed meal tonight- and her first roast at that|!! she did really well too. ;D dont know what slse to write so ill wait a bit and write in a bit i guess
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Post by littlelotty on Nov 16, 2008 21:11:09 GMT
Hi Kitty
Sorry you have had such a bad week or so. Sounds like you have a lot on and other people arent helping as best as they could to say the least.
Are the crisis team still coming around and supporting you??
How do you feel since taking the overdose?? I can understand how you get to that point of feeling there is no way out. I have taken two overdoses this year and it was the most difficult time of my life. I will be honest and say that i wasnt on my own with my LO after them for quite a while and not cause they thought i would hurt my LO but i was so low that it would tire me out just looking after her and i also didnt want her to see me crying etc all the time.
I hope you have some support around you? How has Rik been?
Take care hun and we are all here for you.
littlelotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 17, 2008 10:27:04 GMT
Hi Mate
So pleased to have heard from you x
Your mother may have thought she was doing the best thing at that time, but like you say very hypocritical and totally out of order.
Hows things been with Rik? How has he handled it all?
And how are you feeling now? You know we are always about and you only have to shout x
WG x
p.s. good news on Mollie's food! Turning into a big girl now...
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Nov 17, 2008 17:16:25 GMT
the crisis team are due to come around this evening. i know for certain- im not doing it again, i cant hurt mollie like that. riks been insane, because it was his meds he took, and hes refused to go to the doctors because he doesnt want to let them know what happened, and so is being hard to deal with to say the least.
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Post by winegirl on Nov 17, 2008 21:34:47 GMT
Huge hugs babes (())
How did it go with the crisis team??
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