PNI After-effects

[HintOfSunshine]

I feel daft posting as I’m through the other side and have been well for a year. The past year has been about coming alive again, really enjoying life and putting it all behind me. But I feel so down and fragile today (not depression) and can’t stop crying – which really isn’t like me! I can’t talk to anyone about it as they put up with the illness for so long and they’ll just say it’s all over now anyway. I know it’s not PP anymore, it’s just the after-effects of it and trying to come to terms with it. I just didn’t realise it’d go on for so long!

I think what’s triggered it is my friend’s just had a baby which has bought back horrendous memories and I can’t go near her. I’ve tried so bloody hard to move on, but I’ve started to feel resentful & angry and can’t stop asking the ‘why me’, ‘how did it happen’ questions. I want answers that just aren’t there. I feel so damm jealous that for some people motherhood is as it should be – what the hell did I do?!

I thought I was all healed but I guess not. Sorry, I don’t mean to be self pitying, I’m normally pretty strong, I’m just struggling today. Has anyone got any tips or advice on laying this to rest once and for all??

[sarajay28]

Oh Andrea, i;'m with you all the way hunni. I had PNI after my youngest was born and he is now 3 (will be 4 in july) and although i would say i;m recovered from PNI i still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks which i think is very common.

I wish i had answers too, i often wonder things like you mention 'why me? how did it happen' etc etc but usually this is when i'm having a bad day!

I don;t know if we will ever find the answers, i think the best we can do is to try and accept that it did happen but we are better and it is over and we can move on!! (easier on some days than others to tell myself this)

I can say though that i had PNI after my 2nd child was born and eventually i did get completely over it with no after effects etc so i know it can happen!! i think it just takes time.

Hope this helps (even a tiny bit)

Sarah.xxx

[HintOfSunshine]

Thanks loads for your reply Sarah, I'm sure you're right and it's just a bad day and it probably needs more time - it's reassuring to hear that!

I guess once you've had it, you'll always be effected by it in some way - I'm fighting to make a lot of positives come out of my experience and not dwell on any negatives. It's just that the anger and resentment get in the way sometimes.

Anyway, I'm off to karate tonight so I'm hoping a good run round will sort me out!

Love Axxx

[sarajay28]

Yep, yep and yep!! and i know we aren;t the only ones Andrea, many many women feel this way after suffering this terrible illness (you only have to read some of the posts on here!!) but i think what is important to remember is that it IS an illness and it does take time to recover, just think how long it takes to recover from a broken bone/cancer/flu???

Glad you went to Karate though, even though it didn;t help in the way you thought it would. Its so easy to get dragged down isn;t it? but keep on pulling yourself back up and you will get there one day and stay there! and like you said 'Tommorows a new day'

Thanks for posting, its nice to have some positivity around even when your feeling a bit down and fed up of it all!

Sarah.xxx

[smiley]

Hi Andrea

I just read your post and its sooooo like me at the moment. I feel I am recovered and then get a stab of anxiety or resentment kicks in and I feel wretched and feel I am still ill and not over it. Its so hard to give yourself time isn't it. I too visited a new mum afew weeks ago and felt angry and resentful and the 'why me' questions were triggered. I suppose memories are easily triggered good or bad and they will take time to fade and be so strong. Sounds like you are doing sooo well - how old is your LO now. Mine is 20 months and I am broody for another but scared I am nto totally recovered.

Smiley

[HintOfSunshine]

My LO is 2.5 now, I love this age! I certainly don't think I'll ever feel broody again but good luck to you if you decide to go for it! It's sooooooo good to hear that these feelings are part of the normal healing process, I'm not ill anymore but I guess it just takes a bit longer to come to terms with it!

Things are looking bloomin good though ;D

Thanks for that Smiley,
Axxx

[Bookwormprincess]

I know this thread was written over half a year ago, but I've just read it and I can really identify with what you were feeling back then Andrea. I would say I am 99% recovered from PP, but it's since I've been better and off the meds that I have felt so resentful of getting PP, angry even. It just feels so unfair that I should have got it when so many other Mum's I know who gave brith within 6 months of me, were fine and could enjoy their babies. I was looking forward to joining their "club" and felt robbed when I became ill instead. I feel like I have gone through enough heartache and pain in my life with suffering from a chronic pain illness since the age of 14 that I didn't need anything else to refine my character if you know what I mean.

I am struggling to find good to come out of having got PP, and I applaud all women with PNI who have gone onto better themselves and help other women in similar situations. I envy women on this forum who say they feel stronger for having had PNI. I hope one day I will be able to do and feel the same.

The thing I find hardest to deal with and often question is why I was susceptible to a psychosis. I didn't even know what being psychotic meant before it happened to me. Having my mind messed with like that by a chemical imbalance has made me feel so fragile and I will never again take for granted a stable mental state.

I have overcome depression related to chronic pain before with the help of meds and counselling and I have felt a better person for it, stronger even and more compassionate, but this illness, this horrific PP, has just baffled me. It completely knocked me down and overwhelmed me before I even knew what was happening. To come out of it I just had to let time and patience heal me. I was so out of touch with myself and my emotions in the aftermath of PP that I just had to take each moment as it came. It wasn't the kind of depression where counselling would help as I couldn't talk about my feelings, let alone analyze them.

However, now I am better, I keep feeling the need to talk about what happened to me. It's as if now I am myself again I need to process the illness and make sense of it. Trouble is, I don't think PNI, especially PP, is something you can always make sense of. Perhaps it is just an illness that just happens to you, out of the blue, so to speak. Although we now know there are genetic predispositions towards PP, which answers some of the "why me?" question.

Do you know what I also resent about having had PP? It's when I see new Mums and they ask questions about what my son was like at their baby's age etc. and I just have to almost make something up or dredge up from memory something my husband told me because I was either on a psych ward at the time or emotionally absent and detatched that I don't really have a memory of my son at that stage. It just makes me so sad and resentful. I really hope when I have another baby I will get to experience them properly without having to be shrouded in PP.

Sorry if my post doesn't sound all that positive. I'm not feeling down today or anything, it's just that the resentment has obviously not healed yet.

[naomi]

Hey BWP

Just wanted to say that I too felt very cheated of the first part of my little one's life by PP. For me it fees like 2 further years down the line I am getting a better bank of memories of fun with Anya and the pain of not remembering when she first smiled, or cut her first tooth or what she had as her favourite toy is lessening each year.

I still feel aware that my mental state can be fragile too, and get a bit panicky if I start not sleeping or getting a 'racing brain' - usually just because I'm enjoying life or getting passionate about work! It's hard to be faced with vulnerabilities in my emotional state which I might have to be mindful of in the future... However I do feel more resilient and less worried about psychotic/depressive relapses as each year of being well goes by.

Thinking of you x N

[HintOfSunshine]

Hi BWP & Naomi,

It really does effect us all for such a long time afterwards doesn't it? I think I'll always be effected in some way now but as time goes on it'll still get easier (especially coming to terms with only having one child). It's comforting that we all feel the same, feeling fragile at times.

I've been fine for the past year with just the occassional few days of anger and resentment etc. That anger has now really turned into sadness for the lost times but it doesn't surface too often luckily. I have really struggled the last few days though, as the training for Mums4mums (particularly the suicide module) bought back a few raw memories. I've completed the training now so I won't have to do that again and can get started as soon as they've matched me with a mother, yay!

All the best to you both,

Axx

[bean]

Hi Andrea
I can understand why looking into the suicide thoughts would be really hard, you sound great, you have overcome this and done the training,and now ready to help others. What a star!!! What is Mums4mums? Im sure you will be great, its good to hear stories like yours.
luv bean x

[HintOfSunshine]

aaaw, thanks Bean, that's lovely to say so.

The Mums4mums thing is a research study that they're trying in our area. It's a peer telephone support service for PNI sufferers provided by non-proffessionals (just women who've been there) based on a successful Canadian system. If it works well they hope to roll it out to the rest of the UK! I really hope it goes well as I know how lonely I felt when I was ill, and just chatting to someone who'd felt the same would've made it far less scary and feel more normal. Fingers crossed!

All the best to you hun xx

Axx

[Bookwormprincess]

Hi Naomi and Andrea,
It's good to know that we all feel similar after PP, even though we are way over the worst of it. I'm glad the worries about a further psychotic episode get less as time goes by. I definitely worry about my mental state when I don't sleep, as I've been having a lot of insomnia bouts lately, although thankfully they only last for one night at a time, maybe once a week or 2 weeks. It's coming off the meds that's triggered that think.

Andrea, have you definitely decided not to risk another child then? I know a lot of Mum's who've had PNI make that decision too. Did you see Coronation street today where Claire talks of her relief that she miscarried because she was so ill after her last baby with PND? I bet that touched a lot of nerves for some women. I certainly identified with the fear she said she felt about realising she had been pregnant, even though I want another and am trying to conceive I am still very scared about it. One lady I know told me 5 years ago she was never having another, but then now her son is 9, she is pregnant again. I guess she must have changed her mind. Perhaps the fact that such a large amount of time has passed means there is less chance of her getting ill again - I wonder if there is any truth in that?

Mums4Mums sounds great. Well done for braving the training, especially about suicide. I'm sure you'll be a great help to others in distress. I hope it gets the goahead for the rest of the country as it sounds brill. Wish I'd had something like that while I was ill. All the best.
N x

[HintOfSunshine]

Hi BWP,

Yes, we've definitely decided not to have anymore children because of PP. I was told it was 40% chance of getting PP again for me, but even if they'd said 5%, this is just too much. I do actually believe that I'd be unlikely to get it again though, but the risk is just too great and I can't risk my life again.

This is a hard decision to make as at one time I would've loved a brother or sister for Jake, but for me this is the right decision. I'm happy with the decision now but it still hurts a lot when I see small babies though, but I know this'll fade.

Jake is just so amazing and I love being able to give him all my time, just concentrating on him makes me not dwell on 'what might have been'. He's all I could ask for. x

It's a personnal decision and whatever we choose will be right for each of us, good luck with your descision.

Take care loads,

Axx

[Bookwormprincess]

Hi Andrea,
I can understand why you feel it's not worth the risk with such high odds.
Jake is very lucky to have such a loving and devoted Mum.
Take care,
x