Post by Bookwormprincess on Jun 9, 2009 13:51:10 GMT
Hi everyone,
I thought I’d tell you all a bit about my story with PNI and how I have recovered.
My son was born 18 months ago, after an agonising 19 hours in labour. I found childbirth very traumatic, even though my midwife assured me that I had a straightforward vaginal delivery. There was nothing straightforward about it to me! I was physically incapacitated after the birth because my muscles cramped up and I could hardly walk or hold the baby – this was due to my pre-exiting condition of fibromyalgia flaring up big time. Emotionally I was a wreck too. I began having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of harming the baby within 2 days, and then became psychotic after 5 days. After a stressful time at A&E (we didn’t know where else to turn to) I was admitted to a psychiatric ward and given anti-psychotics and diagnosed with Puerperal Psychosis. I was completely out of it for 2 weeks, but then finally came to. I was kept in hospital for a further week feeling extremely depressed so was given anti-depressants at that stage. My family fought to have me home with them rather than go to a Mother and Baby Unit, and so I was discharged a week later, with visits from the CAT team (who are like a mobile hospital). A few weeks later I was then handed over to the Early Intervention in Psychosis team, who would visit me about twice a week to check on my progress, and would keep me on their books for 3 years.
I spent a month living at my parents with my husband and son, where I learnt how to care for a baby from my mum and husband. 2 months after my son was born I finally went home. My husband was signed off work because of the stress at home, and so was able to take care of the night feeds and early mornings with our son so that I could get some sleep and keep my stress levels down. At this stage, I was very numb and was unable to feel love for my son, even though when he was born I immediately fell in love with him. I did everything for him on auto-pilot and would just count down the hours till I could go to bed and be baby-free, as the nights were my husband’s domain. When my son was about 3 months old, I hit rock bottom again and confessed to my husband in tears that I thought we would have to have our baby adopted because I just couldn’t cope and couldn’t see a future for us as a family. I also used to fantasise about running away and living with my parents while my husband brought up our son.
Slowly, over time, these feelings and fears faded. I began to feel more confident with looking after my son, although I didn’t find any enjoyment in it. Each new development or milestone was a cause of anxiety to me, especially the process of weaning. I was shocked when I discovered that I actually enjoyed giving him his first spoonful of baby rice, but he soon starting refusing to eat and then that was not so enjoyable anymore. When he was 11 months old I went back to work part-time, but I couldn’t find any enjoyment in this either because the pace of the job had greatly slowed while I was on maternity leave often leaving me with no work. However, I was proud of the fact that for two mornings a week I was able to cope with looking after my son on my own while my husband was at work. Some days, I even enjoyed my son’s company, but I still wasn’t confident enough to take him out of the house on my own so I still felt very trapped. However I began to realise that I was bonding with my son and I was feeling love for him again.
I was dreading his first birthday, in case it brought back horrid memories of his birth and my stay in hospital, but it reality it was ok. We had a little party for him at my parents’ house and I was very proud of him that day. I was still often very low, and I felt numb and distant most of the time, but the negative thoughts about my son were no longer around and I was a lot more relaxed with him. I could enjoy reading and watching TV again, and I was also beginning to think I would like more children one day, but my sex drive was non-existent so I didn’t know how I’d get around that to conceive again. However, our son was not sleeping well and staying up till we went to bed and then sleeping with us, so I was starved of time for myself or time for my husband and I alone. I did resent the baby a bit for this, but I also learnt to enjoy the special cuddling time in bed with all three of us, something I never thought I’d be able to do.
My self-image was also very low. I didn’t really know who I was anymore. I didn’t feel like a good wife or a good mother, despite my husband telling me otherwise. The anti-psychotics were making me put on weight and by this stage I’d put on 3.5 stone, so I felt fat and frumpy and very depressed about it.
The turning point in my recovery came when I was able to come off the anti-psychotic medication when Ellis was about 16 months old. Within a few weeks of stopping them, the numbness I had felt ever since my stay in hospital disappeared. I could laugh and cry again (something I rarely did throughout my PNI). And the best thing of all, was I felt an overwhelming sense of love for my son. It was as though I was seeing him for the first time again. Finally, I could enjoy him and enjoy being a Mum.
These last 2 months have been so good. I almost feel like the old me again, and people have commented that I am so much better. I am still on anti-depressants and taking sleeping tablets short term. I have joined Weight Watchers and lost 13lb, so have 2.5 stone left to lose to get back to my normal weight. I feel like I have recovered from PP now and although I have my low days I actually feel happy again. I am quite suspicious of this foreign happiness and a little scared if I get too happy, in case it could be the PP rearing its ugly head again as one of the symptoms I had was feeling euphoric one minute and despair the next. My sex-drive still hasn’t returned, but my husband is very understanding. We still haven’t had sex since before Ellis was born, but I’m building myself up to it and just waiting till we’re both not too exhausted. I would also like to have another baby, but am very scared about how it will affect my mental health again. I am determined though, because I do not want my son to be an only child and I don’t want the experience of PP to rob me and my husband of our dreams for a big family.
I think the main factor in my ongoing recovery from PNI has been time and patience. And also a very supportive husband. He has been my rock, as I have not had anyone else to share my thoughts or feelings with. Also, knowing how much he still loves me and loves our son has been a great medicine. Whilst in the midst of my PNI I didn’t want to go online or read books about it, so I didn’t have the support there either. However, now that I am in recovery ( dare I say recovered?) I feel a strong need to research my condition and seek out other women who have had PP or PNI. I am also having to write down in detail what happened to me (currently I’m at 13 pages, and that only covers the first month!). I do get flashbacks about what happened, particularly of the first week after the birth as it was so traumatic. They often haunt me at night and stop me sleeping. I am hoping with time, that those thoughts and feelings will fade.
I hope that in reading this, you can see that there is life after PNI and that you will get better. It changes you, but for the better I think. The happiness seems sharper somehow and the love deeper. Of-course the best thing to come out of it all is our precious children, who thank God, seem unaffected by the hell their mothers had to go through to bring them into the world.
My son said "Mummy" for the first time the other day and my heart just melted. He's been saying "Daddy" for ages and I have felt very jealous about this. One of my fears, perhaps unfounded, is that he is not as attached to me as he is to his Dad because I wasn't with him for the first month of his life and was emotionally absent for his first year. I can't tell you how good it feels when he comes up to me voluntarily and gives me a hug or if he chooses to get comfort from me rather than anyone else when he is hurt or upset. It feels good to be needed by him as it reinforces my role as a Mother and makes me feel that I am important to him. I'm hoping that these insecurites I feel, after effects of the PP no doubt, will one day be non-existant.
I thought I’d tell you all a bit about my story with PNI and how I have recovered.
My son was born 18 months ago, after an agonising 19 hours in labour. I found childbirth very traumatic, even though my midwife assured me that I had a straightforward vaginal delivery. There was nothing straightforward about it to me! I was physically incapacitated after the birth because my muscles cramped up and I could hardly walk or hold the baby – this was due to my pre-exiting condition of fibromyalgia flaring up big time. Emotionally I was a wreck too. I began having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of harming the baby within 2 days, and then became psychotic after 5 days. After a stressful time at A&E (we didn’t know where else to turn to) I was admitted to a psychiatric ward and given anti-psychotics and diagnosed with Puerperal Psychosis. I was completely out of it for 2 weeks, but then finally came to. I was kept in hospital for a further week feeling extremely depressed so was given anti-depressants at that stage. My family fought to have me home with them rather than go to a Mother and Baby Unit, and so I was discharged a week later, with visits from the CAT team (who are like a mobile hospital). A few weeks later I was then handed over to the Early Intervention in Psychosis team, who would visit me about twice a week to check on my progress, and would keep me on their books for 3 years.
I spent a month living at my parents with my husband and son, where I learnt how to care for a baby from my mum and husband. 2 months after my son was born I finally went home. My husband was signed off work because of the stress at home, and so was able to take care of the night feeds and early mornings with our son so that I could get some sleep and keep my stress levels down. At this stage, I was very numb and was unable to feel love for my son, even though when he was born I immediately fell in love with him. I did everything for him on auto-pilot and would just count down the hours till I could go to bed and be baby-free, as the nights were my husband’s domain. When my son was about 3 months old, I hit rock bottom again and confessed to my husband in tears that I thought we would have to have our baby adopted because I just couldn’t cope and couldn’t see a future for us as a family. I also used to fantasise about running away and living with my parents while my husband brought up our son.
Slowly, over time, these feelings and fears faded. I began to feel more confident with looking after my son, although I didn’t find any enjoyment in it. Each new development or milestone was a cause of anxiety to me, especially the process of weaning. I was shocked when I discovered that I actually enjoyed giving him his first spoonful of baby rice, but he soon starting refusing to eat and then that was not so enjoyable anymore. When he was 11 months old I went back to work part-time, but I couldn’t find any enjoyment in this either because the pace of the job had greatly slowed while I was on maternity leave often leaving me with no work. However, I was proud of the fact that for two mornings a week I was able to cope with looking after my son on my own while my husband was at work. Some days, I even enjoyed my son’s company, but I still wasn’t confident enough to take him out of the house on my own so I still felt very trapped. However I began to realise that I was bonding with my son and I was feeling love for him again.
I was dreading his first birthday, in case it brought back horrid memories of his birth and my stay in hospital, but it reality it was ok. We had a little party for him at my parents’ house and I was very proud of him that day. I was still often very low, and I felt numb and distant most of the time, but the negative thoughts about my son were no longer around and I was a lot more relaxed with him. I could enjoy reading and watching TV again, and I was also beginning to think I would like more children one day, but my sex drive was non-existent so I didn’t know how I’d get around that to conceive again. However, our son was not sleeping well and staying up till we went to bed and then sleeping with us, so I was starved of time for myself or time for my husband and I alone. I did resent the baby a bit for this, but I also learnt to enjoy the special cuddling time in bed with all three of us, something I never thought I’d be able to do.
My self-image was also very low. I didn’t really know who I was anymore. I didn’t feel like a good wife or a good mother, despite my husband telling me otherwise. The anti-psychotics were making me put on weight and by this stage I’d put on 3.5 stone, so I felt fat and frumpy and very depressed about it.
The turning point in my recovery came when I was able to come off the anti-psychotic medication when Ellis was about 16 months old. Within a few weeks of stopping them, the numbness I had felt ever since my stay in hospital disappeared. I could laugh and cry again (something I rarely did throughout my PNI). And the best thing of all, was I felt an overwhelming sense of love for my son. It was as though I was seeing him for the first time again. Finally, I could enjoy him and enjoy being a Mum.
These last 2 months have been so good. I almost feel like the old me again, and people have commented that I am so much better. I am still on anti-depressants and taking sleeping tablets short term. I have joined Weight Watchers and lost 13lb, so have 2.5 stone left to lose to get back to my normal weight. I feel like I have recovered from PP now and although I have my low days I actually feel happy again. I am quite suspicious of this foreign happiness and a little scared if I get too happy, in case it could be the PP rearing its ugly head again as one of the symptoms I had was feeling euphoric one minute and despair the next. My sex-drive still hasn’t returned, but my husband is very understanding. We still haven’t had sex since before Ellis was born, but I’m building myself up to it and just waiting till we’re both not too exhausted. I would also like to have another baby, but am very scared about how it will affect my mental health again. I am determined though, because I do not want my son to be an only child and I don’t want the experience of PP to rob me and my husband of our dreams for a big family.
I think the main factor in my ongoing recovery from PNI has been time and patience. And also a very supportive husband. He has been my rock, as I have not had anyone else to share my thoughts or feelings with. Also, knowing how much he still loves me and loves our son has been a great medicine. Whilst in the midst of my PNI I didn’t want to go online or read books about it, so I didn’t have the support there either. However, now that I am in recovery ( dare I say recovered?) I feel a strong need to research my condition and seek out other women who have had PP or PNI. I am also having to write down in detail what happened to me (currently I’m at 13 pages, and that only covers the first month!). I do get flashbacks about what happened, particularly of the first week after the birth as it was so traumatic. They often haunt me at night and stop me sleeping. I am hoping with time, that those thoughts and feelings will fade.
I hope that in reading this, you can see that there is life after PNI and that you will get better. It changes you, but for the better I think. The happiness seems sharper somehow and the love deeper. Of-course the best thing to come out of it all is our precious children, who thank God, seem unaffected by the hell their mothers had to go through to bring them into the world.
My son said "Mummy" for the first time the other day and my heart just melted. He's been saying "Daddy" for ages and I have felt very jealous about this. One of my fears, perhaps unfounded, is that he is not as attached to me as he is to his Dad because I wasn't with him for the first month of his life and was emotionally absent for his first year. I can't tell you how good it feels when he comes up to me voluntarily and gives me a hug or if he chooses to get comfort from me rather than anyone else when he is hurt or upset. It feels good to be needed by him as it reinforces my role as a Mother and makes me feel that I am important to him. I'm hoping that these insecurites I feel, after effects of the PP no doubt, will one day be non-existant.
It knocks you out ah? How long have you been off them now? A part of me is scared encase I go manic again!!!! It was so frightening.
