Post by HintOfSunshine on Jun 12, 2009 14:49:56 GMT
I've not put the full version my story of PP anywhere yet, but here it is. It's really long but it does have a happy ending! ;D
Four days after Jake was born, I started to get feelings of extreme anxiousness and panic. I went to bed feeling something was very wrong & within hours, very dramatically, I had turned into a complete gibbering wreck. I was repeating “get mum, need sleep, get mum, need sleep,” over & over. My mind was racing so fast I couldn’t think or talk properly, I was extremely confused and totally manic. It was total mental and physical meltdown.
I was rushed to hospital & admitted to a private room with Jake, in the labour ward of my local hospital. I believed that if I went to sleep, my baby would die so I forced myself to stay awake even though I hadn’t slept at all for 4 days. I was also convinced I was having labour contractions, the pain was very real & frightening as I was reliving it.
I was given antipsychotic drugs & sedated & was closely watched 24hrs a day due to the danger to myself & Jake.
My mind was jumping around & racing so fast I developed a stutter for 2 weeks and could barely talk. I definitely couldn’t read or watch TV as I just couldn’t follow the story.
I was terrified I would be locked away or have Jake taken away at any minute so kept repeating, ‘I’m not a nutter, I’m not a nutter!’ over and over again hoping they’d believe me.
Everything had to be done very slowly, I felt like a toddler learning to walk, talk & feed myself all over again. I had to really concentrate to do the simplest tasks. It would take me 2 hours to send a text. The only visitors I had were my husband & my mum as I couldn’t cope with any others. People had to move & talk very slowly otherwise I couldn’t understand them or went into a panic.
Although I was terrified of looking after my son on my own, I pushed to be released from hospital after 2 weeks as my husband’s paternity leave was finishing & he hadn’t spent any time with his new son. I was then assigned to a ‘Crisis Team’ & treated at home.
A specialist Psychiatric Doctor, CPN and my Health Visitor regularly came to visit me for treatment, assessment and to bring me medication. I also had a Nursery Nurse visit regularly to help with the bonding. After 6 months I was treated by a clinical psychologist to help with the severe depression that had developed.
The depression was like a physical pain that was there every minute of every day. Sleep was the only release I got, I wanted to go to sleep & not wake up. I often slept up to sixteen plus hours a day and struggled to just get out from under the covers.
Despite every effort, it took me over a year to bond with my son. I saw my son as nothing but a chore, there were no feelings or emotions at all. I just looked after him, nothing else. I would fantasise about putting him up for adoption. This is such a cruel illness, it robs you of those precious first years.
I went back to work for three days a week but I worked in a male environment where my employers were not considerate or understanding at all and contributed greatly to the stress. Due to the medication. I was permanently drowsy and my eyes would sting so I’d close them for a few seconds. I was suspended from work for a week as they said I was asleep at my desk, which I certainly wasn’t.
I thought of nothing but suicide for months. Every time I drove I would grip the steering wheel really hard & had to concentrate so that I didn’t drive in front of a lorry. On 5th Feb 2007, I went home for lunch and decided that I couldn’t live any longer feeling like that. I wrote a note then got everything ready to end it all. At the last minute I thought of my son without a mother and ran out of the house. I ended up in a heap at my mums. She called the Crisis Team & they sent a CPN round. She said to me that luckily that day, the will to live was greater than the will to die.
It was a strain for my husband as he had to take on most of the household chores and running of the house. It was so hard for him to see me like that as I was a shadow of my former self with no emotions other than deep despair.
I was scared to go out of the house & even popping out to the local shop would fill me with crippling fear. Just going in to town alone with Jake was a huge challenge. I lost touch with most of my friends. My mum eventually took me to Tai Chi classes to get me to go out. I managed to go to a local toddler group each week which although very difficult, was a lifeline.
I didn’t listen to music, drink, read a book or magazine or wear makeup for two years. I couldn’t enjoy anything that I used to do.
I was taking antipsychotics & anti depressants for 2 years. I thought that I’d never know happiness or feel normal again. I had this feeling for 2 years.
Once the depression cleared, I felt mentally strong enough to get fit again. I was desperate to feel normal as I had put on 3.5 stone due to the medication & depression. I bought a child seat for the back of my bike & cycled everywhere. I finally plucked up enough courage to go back to my beloved karate which due to PP, I had to give up. My friends welcomed me back & were very supportive. Once I’d put my mind to getting fit again, the weight came off pretty quickly.
Finally, I lost 3.5 stone & got my 3rd Dan black-belt back. I now have a REALLY special bond with Jake as we’ve been through so much & enjoy every single minute with him! The first year after 2years of PP was amazing, the best year ever! I've now put all the anger and resentment from what PP did to me well behind me and have moved on. This illness is definitely life changing, I’m now far wiser & stronger and know the true value of life and happiness! In fact I've never been happier than this before!
There is definitely hope, PNI does end & life will definitly happen in colour again!
Axx ;D ;D
Four days after Jake was born, I started to get feelings of extreme anxiousness and panic. I went to bed feeling something was very wrong & within hours, very dramatically, I had turned into a complete gibbering wreck. I was repeating “get mum, need sleep, get mum, need sleep,” over & over. My mind was racing so fast I couldn’t think or talk properly, I was extremely confused and totally manic. It was total mental and physical meltdown.
I was rushed to hospital & admitted to a private room with Jake, in the labour ward of my local hospital. I believed that if I went to sleep, my baby would die so I forced myself to stay awake even though I hadn’t slept at all for 4 days. I was also convinced I was having labour contractions, the pain was very real & frightening as I was reliving it.
I was given antipsychotic drugs & sedated & was closely watched 24hrs a day due to the danger to myself & Jake.
My mind was jumping around & racing so fast I developed a stutter for 2 weeks and could barely talk. I definitely couldn’t read or watch TV as I just couldn’t follow the story.
I was terrified I would be locked away or have Jake taken away at any minute so kept repeating, ‘I’m not a nutter, I’m not a nutter!’ over and over again hoping they’d believe me.
Everything had to be done very slowly, I felt like a toddler learning to walk, talk & feed myself all over again. I had to really concentrate to do the simplest tasks. It would take me 2 hours to send a text. The only visitors I had were my husband & my mum as I couldn’t cope with any others. People had to move & talk very slowly otherwise I couldn’t understand them or went into a panic.
Although I was terrified of looking after my son on my own, I pushed to be released from hospital after 2 weeks as my husband’s paternity leave was finishing & he hadn’t spent any time with his new son. I was then assigned to a ‘Crisis Team’ & treated at home.
A specialist Psychiatric Doctor, CPN and my Health Visitor regularly came to visit me for treatment, assessment and to bring me medication. I also had a Nursery Nurse visit regularly to help with the bonding. After 6 months I was treated by a clinical psychologist to help with the severe depression that had developed.
The depression was like a physical pain that was there every minute of every day. Sleep was the only release I got, I wanted to go to sleep & not wake up. I often slept up to sixteen plus hours a day and struggled to just get out from under the covers.
Despite every effort, it took me over a year to bond with my son. I saw my son as nothing but a chore, there were no feelings or emotions at all. I just looked after him, nothing else. I would fantasise about putting him up for adoption. This is such a cruel illness, it robs you of those precious first years.
I went back to work for three days a week but I worked in a male environment where my employers were not considerate or understanding at all and contributed greatly to the stress. Due to the medication. I was permanently drowsy and my eyes would sting so I’d close them for a few seconds. I was suspended from work for a week as they said I was asleep at my desk, which I certainly wasn’t.
I thought of nothing but suicide for months. Every time I drove I would grip the steering wheel really hard & had to concentrate so that I didn’t drive in front of a lorry. On 5th Feb 2007, I went home for lunch and decided that I couldn’t live any longer feeling like that. I wrote a note then got everything ready to end it all. At the last minute I thought of my son without a mother and ran out of the house. I ended up in a heap at my mums. She called the Crisis Team & they sent a CPN round. She said to me that luckily that day, the will to live was greater than the will to die.
It was a strain for my husband as he had to take on most of the household chores and running of the house. It was so hard for him to see me like that as I was a shadow of my former self with no emotions other than deep despair.
I was scared to go out of the house & even popping out to the local shop would fill me with crippling fear. Just going in to town alone with Jake was a huge challenge. I lost touch with most of my friends. My mum eventually took me to Tai Chi classes to get me to go out. I managed to go to a local toddler group each week which although very difficult, was a lifeline.
I didn’t listen to music, drink, read a book or magazine or wear makeup for two years. I couldn’t enjoy anything that I used to do.
I was taking antipsychotics & anti depressants for 2 years. I thought that I’d never know happiness or feel normal again. I had this feeling for 2 years.
Once the depression cleared, I felt mentally strong enough to get fit again. I was desperate to feel normal as I had put on 3.5 stone due to the medication & depression. I bought a child seat for the back of my bike & cycled everywhere. I finally plucked up enough courage to go back to my beloved karate which due to PP, I had to give up. My friends welcomed me back & were very supportive. Once I’d put my mind to getting fit again, the weight came off pretty quickly.
Finally, I lost 3.5 stone & got my 3rd Dan black-belt back. I now have a REALLY special bond with Jake as we’ve been through so much & enjoy every single minute with him! The first year after 2years of PP was amazing, the best year ever! I've now put all the anger and resentment from what PP did to me well behind me and have moved on. This illness is definitely life changing, I’m now far wiser & stronger and know the true value of life and happiness! In fact I've never been happier than this before!
There is definitely hope, PNI does end & life will definitly happen in colour again!
Axx ;D ;D
