What's the best way to tell someone you've had PP?

[Bookwormprincess]

I'm seeing a friend from my NCT class in a few weeks who I haven't seen since we were pregnant. I want to tell her about the PP but I feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed and don't really know how to talk about it.

Any ideas on what the best thing to say is?

I feel really let down by the NCT classes as they seemed to make everything about birth seem really rosy and were very negative about all forms of intervention scaring us all about pain relief with all the things that can go wrong. Also they didn't talk at all about any form of post natal illness or how to look after a newborn (other than a class on breastfeeding). It's the worst £120 we've ever spent.

Some people do the classes to create a support network which is why my midwife recommended we do them, but the other couples all lived in the next town (apart form one couple) and I don't drive so the friendships didn't take off. And then being ill afterwards just isolated me even more.

I am touched that this mum has got in touch after a year and a half and am pleased to meet up with her. She's offered to drive over to me. I just hope I can tell her how hard it's been having PP without it being awkward.

It's also bringing up feelings of resentment again that I thought I was getting over. Since it reminds me of how happy and excited, although nervous, we were while I was pregnant and totally unaware of the horror that lie ahead. And it also makes me question again "Why me?" and it just seems so unfair. Sometimes I feel like it's just one hardship after another in my life, and it's always something that nobody has heard of like when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and then PP. ...
... sorry for that moan. It's just I know you ladies will listen and understand.

[HintOfSunshine]

Hi BWP,

Yes, it’s a difficult one, telling people about PP. I’ve always been honest and open about it but at the same time not going into too much detail. I went into far more detail with my close friends, but to others I said I suffered with a severe form of PNI called PP and gave a brief explanation about the ‘high’ episode as well as the ‘low’. They just can’t be expected to understand the full horrors of what you went through and probably wouldn’t want to know anyway.

As for anti-natal classes, mine were a joke too! They also never even mentioned PNI, made you feel like a failure for wanting pain relief (which if I’d had some, things may’ve been different!), or anything useful about how to deal with a newborn baby! I fully understand that thinking about those times bringing up the resentment – for me it’s best not to dwell on it. The ‘why me’s and resentment are so hard to deal with; they still rear their ugly heads for ages afterwards! For me it’s getting less frequent now and I do try not to think too much about what happened. You might think this daft, but here’re some words that help me not to dwell on the horrors of PP:

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done,
we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.
So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,
but in wisdom, understanding and love.

I hope it goes really well for you with your friend, I’m sure it won’t be as awkward as you think. PP is nothing to be ashamed of, you should be so proud that you've survived it. I’m also sure the resentment will fade quickly.

Big hugs,
Axx

[winegirl]

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done,
we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.
So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,
but in wisdom, understanding and love.


Andrea - those are the most true words ever spoken - thank you for sharing them, i will use them in future if you dont mind xx

[Bookwormprincess]

Thanks Andrea,

I love that quote! Where did you read it?

Yes, I went into too much detail with a friend and she just looked completely shocked so won't make that mistake again. You're right noone can really understand unless you've had PNI. I will just try to introduce the topic gently, but I don't want to pretend everything was ok afterwards. I'll let you know how it goes.

[tears]

Dear Princess,

Its 100% up to you who and what you tell about your experience of pp. I suppose a positive slant on you telling your friend in detail about what you have been through is that you will have increased her awareness and mindfulness of other peoples experiences. I personally would rather be educated about whats going on around me and if i was your friend i would feel priveleged to be let in on your experience.
I tend to approach every individual differently about my experience of severe depression. I only tell people i really trust to understand but i respect people who are more open about their experiences than myself. When i was first disharged from hospital i remember meeting up with my antenatal group. They all knew i had been in hospital for depression. I couldnt explain my absence from their meets other than being honest with them. One of them remarked that maybe 'it was just because all the fuss surrounding the birth had died down and i wasnt getting as much help from visitors that i had got depressed!!!!!' Bear in mind that i had severe depression! I just couldnt believe their ignorance.
I really respect how you say you dont want to pretend everything was ok after the birth. I wish i was a bit more brave like you

Tears
xx

[Bookwormprincess]

Tears, thanks for your reply.
I think you were already brave meeting up with your antenatal group so soon after being in hospital. I could not have done that and meeting this friend 21 months later will be the 1st time I have met them for me. I cannot believe that that woman said what she did to you - it shocks me that people can be so ignorant and insenstive sometimes, but it's unfortunatley the case that many people who have had no experience, direct or indirect, with depression in any form, just think it is like "being a bit down in the dumps" and that you can "snap out of it". Makes me so angry sometimes.

I guess I will just have to see how the visit with my friend goes and hope I have the courage to say something.

Thanks everyone for your support.

[HintOfSunshine]

Hi BWP,

That quote was written by Jennifer Edwards, who is an American actress I believe. Strangley, I came accross it on a Buddhist quotes page after doing some research for my martial arts. She definitely seems to sum it up in a lovely way!

Take care,

Axx

[tears]

Your welcome princess

Let us know how you get on. You never know your friend may have been through experiences of her own if she is just getting in touch now.

Tears
xx

[tears]

p.s it is frustrating that some people are so ignorant about mental health. Mind you in other ways maybe their naivety just reflects the fact theyve never come up against mental illness-lucky them-wish it was me.

Tears
xx

[naomi]

Hi bwp

Hope this meet up goes really well for you - I don't think there's any best way but just being honest about having a serious form of postnatal illness and being open to any questions the person asks you... Often I've been surprised by how people really do want to understand more, despite it taking a while to explain that it's very different from deep depression.

Pretty much none of my friends had heard of PP but most have been very interested - especially after a few glasses of wine, I must say I think I might have shared a bit too much detail about my Matrix obession and odd behaviour such as forward rolling in the hospital then

Humour (?) it it seems appropriate can often lighten people's response to such an unknown illness... But it's personal whether you feel this applies to your situation. For me, some parts of the psychosis were really quite silly so it's easy to take the mick out of myself a bit, this might not be the same for you.

Fingers crossed for you - I hope this lady is a responsive listener and you feel you've shared the right amount for your own comfort levels

xxx N xxx

[Bookwormprincess]

Just saw my friend today and it went well. She asked questions and listened which was nice. I did gloss over it a bit though, it just wasn't easy to convey the horror of what happened without scaring her off. She confessed to finding the first 3 months tough and said she didn't even enjoy her baby then and wanted to give her up one time, but she admitted it was nothing like what happened to me and only a mild touch of PND if that since she was fine after that time.

We're hopefully meeting again which will be nice.

Aside: felt really bad because I gave Ellis some sweets because he'd been really good while I was cleaning this morning (he doesn't have them everyday by any means) nd she wouldn't let her daughter have any as she doesn't like her eating sweet things.

[tears]

Hi,
My wee boy is called Ellis too! So glad it went well and well done for gauging a comfortable depth of information re: the pp for both yourself and your friend. I wouldnt worry about the sweets if i was you. I always notice it at parties the variation between what different parents allow their kids to eat. Some kids are allowed cake, some arent. Others are allowed sweets others arent. I always let Ellis have a bit cake and i dont feel bad for it but i respect other people for choosing not to give their kids cake. As long as they are generally well cared(e.g shown warmth and love, hygiene, nutrition etc) for then i think issues such as chocs,tv viewing etc are subject to the individual preference of the carers.

Tears
xx

[cheshire]

Sept 24, 2009 19:39:18 GMT tears said:

As long as they are generally well cared(e.g shown warmth and love, hygiene, nutrition etc) for then i think issues such as chocs,tv viewing etc are subject to the individual preference of the carers.

Tears
xx

That is definitely my view also. Trust your instincts and try not to worry about what other mums decide to do

Hopefulxx