Hurt & Detatchment

[kittykatt]

I am now in recovery after 8 months of hell with PND after what should have been 10 months of maternity leave with my first child. I've battled with thoughts of being a paedophile and going over my whole life's regrets etc. However, lately, after hearing about a lady with psychosis/PNI who had so many thoughts about strangling her child and doubting/testing herself that she actually started to do it but caught herself just in time, I am in and out of a new turmoil that, if this person could do it, what if I tested myself so much that I could carry out one of my horrific thoughts?

Also, I have started to try testing myself around family and friends' children and have images of me strangling, punching, throwing the children and that I would enjoy this and this is disturbing me terribly. Although I don't actually have these with my own child and the thought of doing this to my own child disgusts me.

Also, whenever I have a low day, I can immediately feel myself detaching from my son and not wanting to be around him/having little patience with him and this is awful as I know I never feel like this on a good day and the guilt and regret that follows this haunts me and feels like it will forever! I try to tell myself that this is the illness at work and not me but I never seem to be able to when I'm living these bad days - I just feel like an evil mother!

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Please help!?

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Firstly, dont panic. Testing yourself mentally is not a bad thing as it shows you are trying to push yourself into recovery.

What you read about the lady strangling her child is VERY RARE. I can tell you know that thousands of women have the same thoughts that you do, but 99.9% do not act on them. Unfortunately it is the alramist cases that we hear about, and so it is no wonder we get scared about our own actions because of these.

You are NOT an evil mother. You are going through hell, but will come out the other site relieved and ready to embrace your time with LO. Hang in there hun, this will get better xxx

WG x

[tabbysmum]

Hi Kittykatt

Like you I suffered with horrific harm thoughts around my child, anything and everything made me think of a way I could harm her with it, strangling, pushing her head under water, throwing her out of the window, hitting her with a bottle to name but a few, these were constant day in day out and never went away. When I did start to feel better I found I was deliberately introducing new thoughts, i believe because the old ones were no longer bothering me and I was testing myself with new ones, to start with the new ones would trigger it all again but it just doesn't happen anymore. I'm not saying I don't have the odd wobble and there are still things that I avoid but on the whole things are pretty good now.
You're not a bad mother, if you were you wouldn't feel so afraid of these thoughts. Your anxiety is what's making you feel detached and snappy with your son and that applies to all of us all the time - it's human nature. Please don't beat yourself up over it, it does get easier - and I thought I would never say that. OCD thoughts are the pits, OCD is just a bully and the more you let it bother you the more it will come back - easier said than done I know, i've been there twice and both times recovered . Things will get better and you'll find you have more good days than bad, the gap between the two get wider and one day you realise you're ok, it takes time but I promise you will.

Take care

Tabbysmum x

[kittykatt]

Thanks so much WG and Tabbysmum for reassuring me I appreciate it lots! I think it's because I know it is on the horizon that I will be discharged soon and I'm trying to test myself with the old obsessive thinking/thoughts to make sure I am ready as don't want to slip back to how I was before admission but, obviously, this has a detrimental effect on my mood and it is too soon to try this!

Thanks so much Tabbysmum for explaining that the anxiety makes me snappy and detached as, at the time, I just feel like I am disinterested/don't care about him and even sometimes don't want him/hate him and this kills me!

KittyKatt. xx